Work Text:
February 2018
Ethan slammed back into wakefulness with a sudden and intense awareness of his whole body radiating pain. He opened his eyes and let out a groan when his surroundings failed to come completely into focus, still the sterile quality and whitewashed walls were enough of a giveaway. Hospital, that explained it. He blinked and tried to relax from where he’d tensed up and was gratified to feel the pain shrinking back into a more manageable ache. He let out a loud puff of air and winced as the moment pulled sharply against his ribs.
“They had to sedate you to transport you safely to Srinagar.” A familiar voice said, “I’m sure that now you’re awake they’ll be able to give you the good stuff again.”
“Benji?” Ethan recognised the shape of the man leaning against the door frame with his arms folded and blinked until he could make out his expression. Benji was smiling.
He pushed off the door frame and walked over to the side of Ethan’s bed where he picked up Ethan’s left hand and held it in his own. Ethan frowned when he saw that there was still an intravenous line stuck into the back of his hand but Benji didn’t seem interested in that. Instead, he fiddled with the discreet silver chain that was permanently fastened around Ethan’s wrist and flicked the secret switch inside the charm. Then he, very gently, placed Ethan’s arm back atop the bed covers.
Ethan guessed that Benji had been turning his emergency beacon off, rather than on. He had vague memories of struggling with the small switch himself with freezing, shaking fingers on the top of the mountain. He remembered being grateful for his marriage bracelet, and the emergency tech it contained, for he knew that that alone had been his only lifeline and his only chance of making it off the mountain alive. He could imagine the sense of alarm that his loved ones would’ve felt upon receiving that notification, but also knew the comfort that the GPS tracker could be when you had nothing left to cling to. He wondered how long they’d been worried for.
“I’ve updated the twins on your situation and everyone will be thrilled to hear that you’re awake again.” Benji continued with a soft smile, “And I imagine that Simon will appear at some point. He seemed worried.”
“Simon’s… on a job…” Ethan struggled with the words as with each inflation of his lungs they pressed against his ribs painfully. Almost certainly broken.
“Yes,” Benji nodded, “but he said, and I quote, ‘goddamn it, not again, I’m on my way.’ So I think it’s safe to expect him.” He laughed, “I must say, I wasn’t expecting everyone to be so efficient but Luther’s designed a good system-”
“Thank you…” Ethan interrupted, drawing a painful breath that wheezed out of his throat, “I’m so glad you’re part of it now Benji… feels right.”
“About time too!” Benji exclaimed. Ethan’s stomach dropped but it must’ve shown on his face because Benji hurriedly held up his hands. “Joking! I get why you didn’t ask me before. It’s an honour, by the way-”
Ethan held his hand out. Even lifting it proved more difficult than he’d been expecting. Evidence of his scrap with Walker was cut across the back of it with marks that extended further up his arm than he could see. Benji took his hand again and Ethan took another painful breath.
“Feels good to know you’re looking out for Simon…” He wheezed.
Benji rolled his eyes, “And you, you lummox!” He replied as he patted Ethan’s hand gently. “You’re the one we hauled off a cliffside unconscious earlier! Ilsa was brilliant, she commandeered a helicopter and flew me and Julia out to find you. I told them you still had a tracker in you from London. Ilsa’s fine by the way, she’s gone back to England-”
Ethan’s stomach turned again as he registered Benji’s words. He wrenched his hand out of Benji’s grip and tried to use it to push himself upwards out of bed.
“Julia-?”
“Relax, lie down.” Benji scolded him and pushed his shoulder gently to encourage him to fall back against the pillows with a pained huff. Even that little movement had almost been too much.
“She’s around here somewhere.” Benji continued, “She’s safe. Everyone is safe… Luther has personally taken charge of the plutonium cores but Sloane is at least listening to him this time…”
“Benji-” Ethan coughed. There was a sharp tightness in his chest and a feeling of nausea was rising within him, neither of which had been there before he’d tried to move.
“And Brandt is coordinating things stateside.” Benji continued, oblivious, “With the Secretary dead that makes him top dog for a while… let’s hope it goes better than last time eh, but Sloane seems to have taken it on the chin. I think she’s a bit embarrassed about Walker pulling the wool over her-”
“Benji-” Ethan repeated, as loudly and forcefully as he could manage. This time Benji looked round.
“Yeah?”
“I don’t… feel well…”
Ethan sucked in another half-breath and then screwed his eyes closed as the pain blossomed again. Vaguely, as if from a distance he could hear Benji calling his name but it seemed too far away to be of importance to him. With a final sigh Ethan slipped towards the peaceful, painless call of unconsciousness… and passed out.
“How are you feeling Doctor Thorne?”
Ethan opened his eyes. This time there was no sharp stinging pain. This time it felt as though he were floating.
“What?” He huffed, finding that the energy to speak was less forthcoming than usual.
“You’re on some pretty strong pain medication, Doctor.” A serious, bearded face appeared in Ethan’s vision and suddenly he remembered everything all at once. This was Julia’s husband. Ethan groaned.
“To say you have pretty severe whiplash would be a bit of an understatement,” the man said, “but they’ve done a good job of patching you up here. Broken ribs will take a while and your ankle looks sprained. One of the local doctors will come in later to explain it all to you in more detail.”
“Oh.” Ethan said. He couldn’t quite understand why this man was still here.
“I’m going to go and chase up your x-rays, see what we’re dealing with…”
“Okay.”
Ethan wanted him to leave. The drugs were keeping him tired, subdued. He wasn’t in pain but he also didn’t have any energy and the last thing he wanted to do was spend his brainpower on watching his tongue around this man. The bearded face smiled above him.
“I’ll leave Julia here to look after you…”
Ethan’s breath caught in his throat. The man moved out of the way and there she was again. The woman whose life he’d ruined.
“Julia.” He croaked, too full of emotion to be able to identify which ones he was feeling.
Julia came towards him and perched herself on the side of his bed, causing the mattress to dip. She slipped her hand over his.
“Ethan.”
Her voice sounded kind and reassuring, just as it had when he’d woken up back at the camp. She looked just as beautiful as she’d always been, and hadn’t appeared to have aged a day in the years they’d been apart and yet she seemed more settled and content in her own skin. Ethan remembered the brief conversation they’d had back at the camp, when the world had been ending and he’d thought he’d gotten her killed again, and then, later, when she’d reassured him about her life.
Ethan twisted his hand so that he could lace their fingers together and squeezed her hand gently.
“I’m glad you’re happy, Jules.” He murmured.
“I am, Ethan.” She smiled, “I am, very happy.”
The band of guilt that squeezed heavily around his heart, one that had been there for so many years that it had become familiar, eased a little more. He let out a long sigh.
“That’s good.”
“It’s a good life.”
But still, Ethan wanted more. Now that the weight of the guilt had started to ease he was suddenly aware of the sheer amount of it left. He wanted to know… needed to know…
“Your husband…” He said, almost phrasing it as a question.
“Erik.” Julia reminded him.
The thought of him hurt, even though he had no right to feel that way. It wasn’t jealousy, but rather concern, the idea that Julia could be hurt again by another man. Not when she deserved so much more. Ethan had to know.
“Is he…?” He asked slowly, “Is he a good man Jules? Does he look after you?”
Julia’s eyes softened with love but Ethan could tell that it wasn’t an expression for him. That, more than anything, reassured him. She had once looked at him that way… a long time ago, when he hadn’t deserved it.
“Yeah he’s a good man.” Julia replied, “He’s kind. He loves this life too, and he loves me.”
“Do you love him?” Ethan asked but he knew the answer, he could see it shining out of her.
“I do. Ethan, I really do.” She squeezed his hand, “As much as I loved you.”
Another wave of guilt crashed around him. Ethan felt a tickle across his cheek as a tear escaped his eye and ran down his face. He felt he needed to confess but how could he tell her that he’d only been with her because he’d been running away from something better - that their whole relationship had been because he was scared.
“Listen.” He said, although it came out as more of a sob. “When I married you… I’m sorry… it wasn’t fair.”
Julia’s face, still smiling, tilted in confusion.
“What are you talking about?”
“I lied.” Ethan confessed, “About who I was, about everything…”
She laughed. It wasn’t cruel or mocking, but kind and gentle. “Ethan, that was over ten years ago. It’s in the past.”
“I’m sorry.” Ethan brought her hand up to his face and kissed the back of it. “I’m sorry.” He whispered again, and it felt as though he were begging for forgiveness.
“You don’t have to apologise.”
She smiled, and with her other hand stroked through his hair, being careful not to aggravate any of the cuts and scrapes that were hidden in his hairline. Ethan melted into the touch, needing her forgiveness for the way he’d wronged her.
“What about you?” She asked gently, “Do you have someone looking after you?”
“Ethan, there you-!”
The sound of the door opening suddenly had them both look around. Simon had stopped dead in his tracks, staring at Julia with a look of clear recognition on his face which, before Ethan’s eyes, was turning to hurt and horror.
Ethan felt Julia’s hand retreating from his hair and the other she pulled away from where it had been pressed against his lips, but without letting go of their clasped handhold.
“Hi.” She said confidently, smiling at Simon. His eyes darkened.
“Simon.” Ethan croaked and only then did his husband look at him.
“Am I interrupting something?” Simon said coldly and Ethan’s heart twisted in his chest.
He tried to draw a breath, to tell Simon everything, to let him know how happy he was to see him, but speaking was difficult and Julia got there first.
“No, no, not at all.” Finally Ethan felt her hand slipped out of his and she stood up from the bed, “Hi, I’m Julia-”
Simon eyed Ethan’s ex-wife with a faint sneer on his face. “I know.”
“Simon-” Ethan tried again but now Julia was frowning.
“Oh?” She said, “I don’t think we’ve had the pleasure.”
“Oh believe me, it’s no pleasure at all.” Simon shot back with a simpering, patronising smile which turned into a smirk when Julia recoiled a little in surprise.
Ethan felt like there was a huge weight sitting on his chest, preventing him from drawing all but the shallowest of breaths. He pulled in as much air as he could, wincing at the stabbing pain that it produced in his ribs, and opened his mouth.
“Sim-” He started but was interrupted yet again.
“‘Scuse me mate.” Erik emerged from the corridor and pushed his way into the room, past Simon, without so much as glancing up at him, in favour of staring at some large plastic sheets that he held in his hands. “I got your x-rays back Doc! Jules, you’ll want to take a look at this-”
“Erik-” Julia said, her large eyes fixed on Simon, full of worry with just a touch of fear. Ethan’s heart twisted again and he tried to interject again but Erik spoke over him.
“I’ve never seen so much legacy damage! The sheer number of healed breaks in these ribs! You must lead quite a life-”
“Erik!” Julia snapped and finally he looked up from the x-rays in his hands.
“Hmm?”
Julia grabbed his arm and tugged until he was standing right by her side. She wrapped her arm around his waist. Then, as if imbued with a new sense of confidence, she stood tall and addressed Simon.
“This is Erik. My husband.”
Ethan raised his hand and held it out towards where Simon was standing by the door in clear invitation. Simon himself was still staring at Julia and her husband with suspicion and so Ethan clicked his fingers in order to try and get his attention.
The action sent a painful spasm up his arm and Ethan moaned in pain as the bones and muscles of his arm protested. Simon’s head snapped round in concern, and when he saw Ethan with his hand outstretched, he rushed over immediately.
Ethan grasped Simon’s hand with as much strength as he could muster and held it up for the other two to see.
“Jules,” he wheezed, “this is Simon… my husband.”
“Oh.” It was more of a breath than an utterance but Julia’s noise of surprise was the only sound in an otherwise deadly quiet room.
But Ethan didn’t have eyes for her. Instead he was transfixed by his husband’s face and the way that the moment his words had registered Simon had seemed to soften back into an expression of love so pure it took Ethan’s breath away.
“Hi sweetheart.” Ethan whispered.
“How are you?” Simon asked gently, “Benji said you went off on your own and they found you unconscious on a mountainside.”
“I did what I needed to…” Ethan wheezed, “we didn’t have much time.”
“This is starting to become a habit,” Simon replied softly, “this is just like Mumbai all over again.”
“Not as bad as that.” Ethan squeezed his hand in reassurance, “Looks worse than it is. I promise.”
Because they were looking into one another’s eyes, Ethan caught the moment that his husband glanced back up to where Julia and Erik were standing, and immediately stiffened.
“What?” Simon demanded.
Ethan followed his husband’s gaze to see Julia staring at them both, her mouth open in surprise. Erik, meanwhile, had gone back to studying the x-rays in his hands.
“I’m sorry…” Julia shook her head as if to clear it before meeting Ethan’s eyes, “I had no idea you were… I mean, it’s none of my business….”
“The black turtleneck didn’t give you a clue?” Erik muttered under his breath and Julia wheeled around on the spot instantly.
“Honey, could you give us a minute?” She said firmly.
Erik looked up, shrugged, and made for the door. He took the x-rays with him. The moment he was gone Julia rounded back towards the bed with her hands on her hips. She looked upset, judging by the expression on her face.
“Is this what you meant about lying?” She demanded and Ethan saw that it was more than just being upset, she felt hurt. “Have you been gay this whole time?”
“No, Jules…” Ethan didn’t reach for her, but he wanted to. He wanted to reassure her. “I did love you. That was real.”
On his other side Simon snorted. Ethan rolled his head over on the pillow and looked at his husband imploringly.
“Simon, please-” he begged, but Julia interrupted him. He rolled his head back to look at her.
“And he knows? About your work?”
“I know.” Simon’s voice was clear and confident.
“Simon is… he’s one of us Jules…” Ethan still felt compelled to explain. “He knows everything. I couldn’t make that mistake twice. I couldn’t lie to him.”
Ethan squeezed Simon’s hand again as he spoke, a silent declaration of love, and was relieved when he felt an answering squeeze in return.
“Are you happy?” Julia asked seriously. Her hands were still on her hips. She only ever used to stand that way when she meant business. Ethan recognised the expression as well, she was boxing up her own feelings for later so that she could remain practical and impartial.
“What is this, twenty questions?” Simon asked. Ethan recognised his tone without even having to look at him. Simon was being defensive and more than a little possessive.
“Sweetheart, please.” Ethan shot another imploring look at his husband before turning back to his ex-wife. “I am happy. We’re happy. Very happy.”
“And he looks after you?” Julia demanded, nodding her head towards Simon.
“I try.” The thief replied, low and serious.
“Yeah.” Ethan replied, not looking at his husband but squeezing his hand once again. “He does. He’s been good for me.”
“Good.” Julia nodded and finally her hands dropped into a more relaxed posture.
Ethan breathed a sigh of relief. It was only fair that she ask him the same questions that he had demanded of her. Perhaps, with both of them remarried and happy he would finally be able to let go of the guilt that had kept a tight grip on him for all these years. Not entirely, of course - he knew himself well enough to know that he could never truly forgive himself for what had happened - but perhaps, now he could move forward a little easier.
Ethan was just considering whether to tell her more when the door burst open again and Benji came barrelling in.
“Ethan, I-” He stopped as the door swung shut behind him and broke into a wide smile. “Simon! You made it!”
Abruptly Simon let go of Ethan’s hand and strode over to their friend.
“What the hell happened to you?” He demanded, placing a hand on Benji’s shoulder and bending a little to peer at him. Ethan’s heart began to race.
“Oh nothing, I’m fine,” Benji waved but Simon didn’t seem convinced and Ethan certainly wasn’t.
“Benji’s hurt?” He said, struggling to try and push himself up in the bed.
“No I’m not…” Benji held up his hands, “I’m-”
Simon cut him off.
“He’s got a bloody great bruise right across his neck as though he’s been garrotted!”
“How?” Ethan succeeded in pushing himself upright just as Julia swooped in to help him, rearranging the pillows behind him to keep him supported.
“Honestly, it’s nothing.” Benji protested, “Lane, he-”
“Lane?” A cold feeling of dread cut through Ethan’s heart. With all that had gone on he’d almost forgotten that Lane might still be in the wind. Two nuclear bombs would do that to you. But again, he felt guilty that he’d left Benji once again in the hands of that madman, and apparently he’d been hurt.
“Sloane has got him.” Benji reassured, “He’s in custody again. Can’t hurt anyone else.”
Ethan swallowed, “But he hurt you. I’m sor-”
“Has anyone taken a look at you Benji?” Julia asked, once again businesslike and professional. Benji shook his head. “May I?” She asked.
Benji nodded.
Simon returned to Ethan’s bedside and sat down on the edge of the mattress, just as Julia had earlier. In the background Ethan could see Julia ushering Benji into a chair and beginning to examine him, but the sparkle of his husband’s grey eyes pulled his attention back.
“Tom sends his love,” Simon said quietly, “and said something about you crashing a funeral in London.”
Ethan blinked in surprise, “How does he know about that?”
Simon smiled and cupped the less injured side of Ethan’s face in his hand. His palm felt warm and strong, and Ethan nuzzled into the touch.
“You can ask him yourself when we get you home.” Simon’s voice was soothing, “I thought we might pop over and see him for a bit, if you’re free to.”
Ethan sighed, “Yeah, should be alright, once I’ve debriefed. It would be good to see Ice… there’s something I need to tell him.”
“Oh?” Simon raised an eyebrow.
Ethan relaxed into a tired smile. “Helicopters don’t handle at all like fighter jets.”
“Really!” Benji interrupted from the other side of the room, “that’s what you’ve taken from this experience?”
“Shush, keep still.” Julia admonished him and Benji settled back in his seat.
Simon turned back to Ethan, “I think most people would be able to tell you that helicopters and fighter planes are not going to handle the same way.” He said with a wry smile.
Ethan pouted, “What do you know about it?”
“Well they’re different shapes for starters.” Simon answered teasingly.
Ethan chuckled as softly as possible so that it didn’t hurt his ribs “I know which one I would choose for my next dogfight.”
Simon blinked, and then his face became stern. “Are you trying to tell me you had a dogfight in a helicopter?” He said, his tone cautious but a little judgemental.
“Yeah,” Ethan smirked, “give me a Tomcat any day.”
“Sorry,” Benji interrupted again, “Since when do you know how to fly a fighter jet?”
“Alright. All done.” Julia patted Benji on the shoulder and stepped back.
“What’s the prognosis?” Ethan asked her, his voice croaking with the effort of making himself heard across the space of the room.
“You’ll live.” Julia addressed her patient rather than answering Ethan directly, “Just go easy until the bruising has gone down but if you have any difficulty breathing get yourself straight to a hospital.”
“Thanks Julia.” Benji smiled, “It’s good to see you again.”
She smiled back at him, “You too Benji.”
It warmed Ethan’s heart a little to see them together. There had been an extremely brief period of time after the horrendous events in Shanghai, when Julia had gotten to know Benji and Luther a little. Back when they’d still been processing what had happened and before they’d decided to go their separate ways. Now, seeing them in the same room once more, Ethan could see that Julia and Benji might’ve become really quite close friends, had they been given the chance. Another reason for him to feel guilty. He’d robbed them both of that.
Benji hopped out of his chair and, oblivious to Ethan’s internal musings, approached his bedside.
“Ethan, could I have a mo?” He asked.
“Sure, Benji.” Ethan rasped.
Simon leaned in close and pressed a brief kiss to Ethan’s uninjured cheek. “Don't think I’m letting you off the hook for the helicopter dog fight…” he murmured as his lips brushed past Ethan’s ear.
Ethan shivered. “Wouldn’t dream of it.” He whispered.
With a smirk, Simon stepped back and he and Benji swapped places.
“Thanks,” Benji said as he passed, “Now Sloane wants your opinion on a couple of things before she leaves the area…”
Ethan followed Simon with his eyes as his husband retreated to a far corner by the window, whilst allowing Benji’s words to slip past him. Then he watched as Julia approached and heard her call out “Simon?” before the thief turned.
Benji could’ve been telling him anything. Ethan watched like a hawk as his husband and his ex-wife conversed in low voices by the window. His heart was in his mouth as he kept a look out for any clue as to the nature of their conversation. Both seemed stiff, too formal, on edge. Julia seemed overly cautious in her mannerisms whereas Simon looked defensive, and yet the conversation seemed to flow pretty equally between the two of them.
Then Simon drew himself up to his full height, towering over Julia in the process. For a horrible moment Ethan thought the worst and then Simon stuck out his hand and, with a smile, Julia shook it. Then they both looked around and caught him staring.
Julia’s smile softened and she nodded towards him. Get well soon, she mouthed before crossing the room and slipping unobtrusively out of the door. Simon leant on the windowsill and folded his arms and it was only then that Ethan noticed that Benji had stopped speaking. He looked up at his friend guiltily.
“You weren’t listening to a word of that were you?” Benji accused.
Ethan grimaced, “Sorry Benji.” Then he looked across to his husband, “What did you say to each other?”
Simon sauntered over and pressed a kiss to Ethan’s forehead. Ethan closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of his husband’s soft lips on his skin.
“That’s between us.” Simon replied softly. “Now be a good little secret agent and listen to what Benji has to say. I’m going to go and ring Tom to update him, and I’ll pick up something to eat on the way back.” He smiled, “I love you.”
Ethan pulled his husband in for a proper kiss. “I love you too.”
He watched as Simon left, and only then turned his attention back to the man sitting at his bedside. “Alright Benji,” he croaked, “fire away.”