Chapter Text
Jocelyn Knight. Maggie couldn’t believe her eyes. She had looked away and back again, just to make sure she wasn't hallucinating, but it really was the QC. Jocelyn bloody Knight. Standing there in her flats and her father’s Barbour. As if no time had passed. She was immediately reminded of that night. The night that had changed her brain chemistry forever. The night she was still angry about. Because no matter whom she had been with since, her mind had always compared them to Jocelyn and the what-could-have-beens in her head. All the daydreams, that had built up during the year they had exchanged letters, until Maggie had lost hope that Jocelyn would ever put her, Maggie, before her work.
If anyone asked - which no one did because no one knew about how deep their connection went - they had just lost contact, like most friends and acquaintances did at some point. But the truth was, Maggie had been so disappointed (and heartbroken), she had stopped writing. The letters had been nice, yes, wonderful even. Full of talks about their life and all the things they could do. But it had always stayed hypothetical and had never taken the step further she had needed for her to feel like, they were on the same page. Maggie had suggested she could come and visit Knight in London, had even suggested concrete plans. But the QC had never committed to a certain date. Yes, she had said she'd delighted to host her, but never once given her a time and date. Radcliffe had to force herself to accept that it would never be more and hence never be enough for her. Jocelyn hadn’t reached out either and so their contact had just stopped. But Maggie had never been able to forget her. Though, Jocelyn had certainly tried to make it easy, every time she was in Broadchurch she did her best to avoid the journalist.
And now, here she was, at the fair. A place she had told her, she’d never go to voluntarily. Well, it didn’t look like anyone was forcing her in that moment. And it made Maggie almost angry, because she could remember everything. How Madeline had introduced them. The hike, the fair and how long it had taken her to convince her to come. The day afterwards, when she had seen Jocelyn off at the train station. Every little unimportant detail, she could remember. How Jocelyn had promised back then how she’d return to the fair, so they could dance together again with a glint in her eyes. That had never happened. Maybe it had never been a promise. Maybe it was always been just in her head.
Maggie kept watching Jocelyn, to make sure she was there alone. That she really was at the fair and wasn’t waiting for her mum or something like that.
In all those years since, Jocelyn had made sure to avoid Maggie. And Maggie had known about it and played along. Veronica had always been oblivious to their tension and happily told Maggie about when her daughter would visit and their plans. Which helped Maggie to just not be at those places either. If Jocelyn didn’t want to see her, she sure as hell didn’t need to see her. So her, standing at the fair as if this was nothing made her blood boil. How dare she? This was not what they had unspokenly agreed upon. This was unfair - she could at least have had the decency to not parade around like that. Leaning on the wall next to the main entrance. She must know she would be seen. It was rude of her. So rude. And yet, her heart still skipped seeing her. Maggie rolled her eyes and decided to get herself a drink.
After five minutes, Maggie had kept watching Jocelyn in the corner of her eye, the anger was back and it needed an outlet. Her thoughts were far from rational and if she dragged any harder on her e-cig, she was sure the filter would fall out.
“Jocelyn Knight. Can it really be?” She asked, trying to not sound as furious as she was feeling. She didn’t know what she was doing, but she needed this confrontation. Hoping this would finally bring her the closure she had been missing for eleven years now. No make it twelve. Ever since that damned night at the fair.
“Maggie, hi. What are you doing here?” Jocelyn asked, taken by surprise. Rolling her eyes at her own stupid question. Of course, she should have known the editor of the local newspaper would be here. She had been so far away with her thoughts, she has forgotten about the real world for a while and this made her negligent in her actions.
“I live here. What are you doing here?” Maggie replied, letting her know she agreed, with her mimic, it had been a stupid question.
“I live here.” Jocelyn repeated the answer, lacking a better one. She wasn’t prepared to see Maggie. She had enough to deal with, interacting with Maggie hadn’t been on her agenda, which in hindsight was a mistake. It was her turf now, she should have known she’d be here.
“Since when?” Maggie asked, her anger leaving her by the sheer surprise of the statement. Oh, how she hated her mind, how it betrayed her. She wanted to be angry at Jocelyn, give her a proper bollocking for her behaviour, but something in Jocelyn’s eyes made her soft. Now, she just wanted to take care of her and the worries, which were clearly present, away. “Because of Veronica?” She asked, when she saw Knight was having a hard time finding an appropriate answer for the setting. The thought let her grow soft immediately. She cared for Veronica a lot. The former professor used to be very active in the community and Maggie had witnessed how the disease had taken over. She could only imagine how hard it must be for Jocelyn.
“No. Mum’s been in a home for a few months now. I couldn't give her the care she needs. I actually retired.” Jocelyn replied, settling for most of the truth. She sounded too nonchalant. As if this was nothing. As if this was normal.
“Fine, then. We don’t have to have a conversation. I’ll just leave you alone.” Maggie rolled her eyes, mad at herself that she had even tried to talk to her. But she didn’t need to be lied to. She could draw her line at some point. She couldn't believe she had just gone soft on Jocelyn again. She decided to give Jocelyn one angry look, before walking away, to let her know how mad she was, when she saw that woman was serious. “You, retiring." She was flabbergasted. "No, that can't be true. Those are not some words I would have used in a sentence any time soon. Or ever. I’d always figured the only way to get you away from the Old Bailey was in a body bag. Well, congratulations, I guess. And welcome back home.” Maggie muttered, her feelings running wild. Anger was present, but she could see Knight was holding something back, which kept her anger at bay. She wanted to know what was going on, wanted to help and at the same time that made her even angrier. Angry at herself that she still cared, angry at the situation angry at Knight for having everything forced out of her. It was as if she was incapable of having a sane conversation. She wanted to punch something.
“Thanks.” Jocelyn nodded, avoiding Maggie’s eyes, there wasn’t anything she could possibly be congratulated for, but there was no way she’d say that aloud. Forcing herself to not let this end in a sparring match with Maggie, although she was quite sure she’d enjoy it, she kept to herself. There was a good chance Maggie would figure it all out.
“There’s no need to be embarrassed to see me, it’s all good.” Radcliffe chimed in, when she noticed how Jocelyn was avoiding her eyes. In fact she looked uncomfortable, even having to talk to her. Oh hell no, Jocelyn was not the one who got to play the hurt one, so she pushed it. Just because she could. Probably to prove to herself, that she was not dependent on the QC's reaction.
“I’m not embarrassed! It’s just been such a long time. Hard to believe we’re back here.” Knight replied stubbornly. Playing her own game. There was enough going on in her life, she did not need this, whatever this was, looming over her head as well.
Maggie nodded, deciding to let it go, she could see there was something bigger going on and she wanted to know the whole story. Hoping this would help her make sense of this situation. So, she tried her best to not make this about them. “So, where’s Veronica?” Radcliffe asked, her body refusing to leave, before she knew what was going on. There was this small hope creeping in Knight had come because of her and she needed that destroyed, before she could fall back into the rabbit hole that was Jocelyn Knight.
“In her home. I wanted her to come, but the last few weeks, her mind has declined. She can’t remember me at times. It wouldn’t be safe. I can't risk her getting hurt, just because I want to relive moments that won't be anymore.” Jocelyn tried to explain, again not really wanting to go into details. Watching the disease take her mother from her, was hard enough, she didn’t need to talk about it as well.
“Then what are you doing here?” The question was out of Maggie’s mouth, before she could find a polite way to phrase it.
“I just told you, I moved back.” Knight replied, a little confused by the accusatory tone in the other woman’s voice.
“I meant, here, here. At the fair. I remember you telling me you didn’t come to the fair voluntarily.” Radcliffe explained, while trying to get her emotions back in check. “I remember having to drag you here.”
“Right, that. I don’t know. I saw it was in town, when driving home from visiting mum. I just came by.” Jocelyn shrugged not having an answer. Honestly, she had just come by, not thinking any more about it. She had gone for a walk and stopped by. The fair was something familiar, it reminded her of the good times in life. She needed that reminder for a moment. But she wouldn’t tell that to the journalist or anyone.
“Stop being so enthusiastic to be here and see me. One could think you’ve missed the time when you danced with me.” Maggie tried to tease, but it fell flat. It hurt, even now, that Jocelyn didn't mind coming now. The memories were still hounding them both. The way Jocelyn looked up in surprise, let Maggie know. And it made her angry. It would have been one thing, if this had been one sided. If Jocelyn had never felt the same. But she could see, she knew exactly what Maggie was referring to. “Was it worth it? Your career, I mean. Severing all ties that connected you to Broadchurch?” She asked, allowing Jocelyn to know just how hurt she was. Both knew that she didn’t mean Broadchurch, that she was talking about her. Maggie decided to screw it and be honest, knowing there was nothing left to lose. “Because I miss the time you danced with me. I never forgot about your promise about going out for dinner at Christmas.”
“Worth it, is not the right way to describe it. But all things considered, my mistakes don’t matter much.” Knight answered cryptically, wisely ignoring the second part of her statement, it drove Maggie nuts. But she’d be meeting up with some of her friends in a couple of minutes, she didn’t have time to get into this now.
“Well, it was good to see you. I’ve got to go, meet up with a couple of people. I guess, I’m right to assume you don’t want to join us?” Maggie asked, trying to calm her voice and her heart. Also, she needed to not stare at Jocelyn and try to figure out what was going on. It wouldn’t be worth it.
“Quite right.” Jocelyn smirked, happy about how well she still knew here and entertained by the thought alone that someone could think she’d want to mingle.
“I’ll see you around then?” Maggie asked in lieu of a goodbye, waving, before turning around. Not wanting Jocelyn to lie to her out of politeness.