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Morning. Kel is so exhausted, and not very appreciative of his mom lecturing him for being late again. But whatever, he can sleep in tomorrow, because tomorrow is Saturday! And Hero might be coming over too!!
When Kel's offered breakfast, he remembers Hero told him to eat it at the end of their call. But...
DON'T EAT DON'T EAT DON'T EAT
Something in him really doesn't want to. But his stomach hurts so much, and he told Hero he'd try, so...
...He only eats about a quarter of his food before throwing it away while his parents aren't looking and pretending he ate it. He knows he really should eat it all, that he really needs to, but... it's just so hard. Which is weird, eating isn't supposed to be a hard thing to do. He's just stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
He thought that after that phone call with Hero, he'd get better instantly. Clearly that's not the case, honestly now it just feels like it did nothing. He's still stuck in this endless exhausting downwards spiral. He almost feels hopeless again. Almost. There's still something to hold onto. Something he's very nervous about.
He needs to talk to Basil today.
— — — — — — —
Period one, period two... and period three...
He casts nervous glances at Basil throughout the class. He doesn't want to distract Basil during class time, so he'll talk to him at lunch. But he's not sure how to bring it up. How will Basil react? Will Basil hate him? No, Basil doesn't hate anybody. But what if Kel's the exception? What if Basil hates him? What if- what if the whole class hates him? The whole school??
He already knows Aubrey hates him. Do his parents hate him? Does Hero hate him??? DOES EVERYONE HATE HIM?? No no no no no he's so useless and stupid and annoying and a waste that everyone must hate him. They hate him they hate him they hate him they hate him they hate him. He needs to cut to make them not hate him. He needs to he needs to he needs to where is a knife knife knife knife knife—
He's thinking about it again. Why can't he stop thinking about it? It's like this intense need, because it'll fix the problem it'll fix everyone hating him. He doesn't know how it'll fix it but it will. So he needs to. He needs to...
No, no, no. What did Hero say again? On the phone call, he said whenever Kel felt like doing that again, he said- he said...
"Try to distract yourself, ok? Remind yourself of how much people love you. And if you need to, you can call me, and I'll help you get through it, too."
People love him? No, no they probably hate him, he needs to cut to make sure they don't—
Distract himself. Distract himself. What's the teacher saying? Maybe he can make himself pay attention for once. No, that's boring, his mind will wander back to that if he tries. Maybe- maybe he can doodle and try to listen to the teacher at the same time?
...Huh! Somehow, this helps him pay attention better, too! Maybe he'll try to do it more. Not around the strict teachers, though, they're mean...
He doesn't fully understand what the teacher's saying, but at least he's following along!
— — — — — — —
Lunch time. He's pretty anxious about this.
He was so sure that after the phone call with Hero last night everything would instantly get better. But today's been just as sucky as all the others before. Wait, he thought that exact thing this morning, didn't he? About how it's not instantly better? Whatever.
But maybe... maybe after he talks to Basil... maybe...
He walks up to Basil before he leaves class. Basil's still putting his stuff away.
"Hey, um, Basil?"
Basil turns to look at him, giving him a "Hm?" of acknowledgement before turning back to zip up his backpack.
"I wanted to talk to you about something during lunch, if... that's ok."
"O-Oh! Um..." Basil sounds nervous. "Sure!"
This is a bad idea... He's just going to make Basil uncomfortable.
He stands there awkwardly while Basil gets up. He wasn't sure if he should turn around and leave and find him later, or wait for him, or...?
Basil speaks. "Um, d-do you want to go to the cafeteria first? To get your food? I brought my own lunch, so I don't need to if you don't want to, unless you do, and I can walk there with you, if you want, but if you don't want-"
"Nah, it's fine." Kel cuts him off, he knows he wouldn't eat the school's lunch anyway. If he could only eat a quarter of his breakfast, he definitely wouldn't be able to eat any of the sludge from the school cafeteria, that's for sure. Part of him says he doesn't deserve to eat anything anyway, so that part of him is getting what it wants, he guesses.
"A-Alright... Um..."
"We can sit wherever you want to, I don't mind," Kel reassures.
"O-Ok!" And Basil starts walking.
Kel follows, and they sit together outside on a stone bench. Basil takes out his food and starts eating.
This is awkward and weird. He's just sitting here watching his (former?) friend eat while he does nothing. Why did he do this again?
"...S-So?" Basil looks questioningly, but also very nervously, at Kel, "W-What... did you w-want to t-talk about...?"
"OH RIGHT!" Riiight that's what he was gonna do. "So, uh..."
"Um..."
God, how is he supposed to talk about this without sounding like a moron.
"I wanted to... ask... why you seem... uncomfortable around me, I guess? I don't know I just- I um, I noticed you get stuttery and shaky around me now, ever since... Sunny... you know..."
"I stopped trying to sit with you at lunch and hang out after school and stuff because I didn't want to make you uncomfortable and like... I dunno, I've been feeling kinda lonely recently, so I talked to Hero on the phone last night and he said I should try to talk to you and ask why you're uncomfortable? Like, with me?"
Basil looks super nervous. He's looking at the floor. Oh no, Kel's just making it worse.
"I- I'm sorry if I make you uncomfortable or something! I-I-We don't need to be friends again or anything you can just tell me to go if you don't want me here-"
Basil interrupts, "N-No, no, it's ok! Really!!"
He's quiet, probably trying to think of what to say.
"I... Just... I-I'm worried you hate me?"
Kel's surprised by this. "What!? I don't hate you!!" He thought Basil was the one who hated him.
Basil continues. "A-After... After Sunny told you guys what w-we did... I just... I thought you'd h-hate me for it. Y-You should..."
"But you kept acting so- so friendly to me so soon afterwards and I-I thought you were... just pretending to like me or something. I just don't understand why you'd still want to be f-friends with me after... knowing what I did..."
"Basil, I..."
Kel doesn't really want to think about this. Much less talk about it. But it's hard to get around it now. He speaks slowly, thinking about each word before it leaves his mouth.
"...I didn't... like finding out what you did. But, we've been friends for so long, and we were just starting to hang out more, and I didn't want anything to get in the way of that. You're still... you're still a really kind person, even if you... didn't make the best decisions in the past. I still want to be your friend."
Honestly, Kel's still not sure how he feels about the whole thing. He really, really doesn't want to think about it. It changes a lot about what he knew of Basil and Sunny and Mari and... everything. It changes everything. So, he tries to pretend it didn't happen. When he talks about it, he imagines it like it's just a story, a game, a play. Because he doesn't think he can face it being real.
Kel's words seem to reach Basil anyway. Basil's tearing up, though he still can't muster himself to look at Kel.
"Th-Thank you..."
"Of course!" Kel makes himself grin. "So... does this mean we can start hanging out after school and stuff again...?"
Basil wipes his eyes with his arms, and looks at Kel with a still nervous smile. "I mean, i-if you want to, sure!"
This time, Kel smiles naturally. Oh gosh, he did it! He actually did it! He talked with Basil and now he has someone to hang out with!!
And then his stomach growls, reminding him of the constant pain that he's grown quite used to. Basil notices the growl - because of course he does, it was pretty loud - and he grabs something from his lunchbox.
"Oh! Um, i-if you're hungry, you can have my sandwich! It's just a normal peanut butter and jelly sandwich."
Kel tenses up a bit as he looks at the sandwich. He doesn't really want to eat. But he should...
DON'T EAT
He gets nauseous looking at the sandwich. He has no appetite. And something in him is screaming not to, like he'd die if he tried to eat it. Even just the thought of eating is making him a bit lightheaded, and his heart is racing...
"N-No, I'm good, thanks...!" Kel says with a shaky voice. His intense reaction caught himself off guard.
"Oh... a-alright." Basil looks at Kel questioningly. He probably picked up on the weird way Kel reacted.
And then Kel remembers something. "Oh! Uh, also, Hero said he might be coming over this weekend! So maybe you, me, and him could hang together!"
"Really? Y-Yeah, that'd be nice!" Basil's eyes widen, remembering something. "I-If, um, H-Hero's ok with it... A-Actually maybe i-it's not the best idea..."
Oh right. Hero's... not exactly fond of Basil. He's nowhere near being aggressive or even rude to Basil like Aubrey is, but he's told Kel he has very conflicting feelings about everything. Which makes sense. The best way to put it is he's pretty uneasy about Basil for now.
"Hm... I'll ask him if it's ok, then. But he'll probably say it's fine!" Kel adds the last sentence to try to reassure Basil.
"Alright." Basil smiles.
They sit together for the rest of lunch, chatting and catching up.
— — — — — — —
Kel's home now. It's 6:30 P.M., or, well, it was whenever he last checked. All he knows is it's around supper time, and he knows he isn't going to eat anything. He's on his way to his room.
He passed out during basketball practice again. This time the coach noticed the signs ahead of time. He was able to stop the game and catch Kel before he fell. Kel had to sit out for the rest of the period. He felt so useless, just sitting there and watching his teammates play. He is useless. Of course he's useless. Can't even... play basket...ball..... correctly......
He's in the middle of the staircase, not sure how far up he made it, when his head starts feeling fuzzy. His vision blurs a bit. Fuck. He's fainted enough times recently to recognize this now. He tries to quickly make it to the top before falling, but only manages to bring a shaky leg up one step.
For a short moment he's aware of the feeling of falling.
And then pain.
Very sharp pain. On his forehead, his jaw, and his tongue. He feels the cold of the stairs under him, and tastes something metallic in his mouth. He can guess his teeth bit down on his tongue when he fell and tore it. He also guesses he broke his forehead open, maybe broke his jaw, too.
He lays there for a minute, gritting his teeth (after moving his tongue out the way). And once some of the pain subsides, he pushes himself up. Blood mixed with spit falls out of his mouth - ew - but he doesn't see any other blood. He lifts his hand to his forehead, and he doesn't feel any liquid. His jaw is sore, but fine. However, he can feel a small rip in his tongue. Well, one out of three correct guesses is better than a hospital visit, at least.
His stomach hurts so badly. His tongue hurts so badly. He wants to cry, or throw up, or put himself out of his misery, or maybe all three of those things.
Should he go back downstairs and tell his parents that he ripped his tongue...?
...
Best not to bother them.
He continues up the stairs.
— — — — — — —
Can't sleep.
Hungry, hungry, hungry.
He's so hungry.
And yet he's so nauseous at the same time.
He wants to get up to get food, but he feels like if he gets up he's going to vomit. He can't even get up anyway, his body aches in fatigue, it feels almost impossible to move.
He feels horrible. He wants to die. It's not even that he thinks he deserves it or whatever this time- though that's still part of it. He just wants his misery to end.
What's that thing again? Mercy kill? Or like, how people will euthanize sick animals in pain? He wishes he were a dog. Maybe he'd be put down. But no, he's forced to suffer.
If he weren't a fucking coward he could be the one to kill himself. Why is he wishing for someone else to do the hard part? Selfish.
Just make it end, make it end, make it end, please.
He shuts his eyes. Maybe he can just make himself fall asleep. He can't be in pain when he's asleep.
...
He focuses on breathing.
He daydreams again while waiting to fall asleep. He imagines he feels perfectly fine in the morning and he's happy and everything is ok.
He tears up, painfully aware that will not be his reality.
— — — — — — —
Kel is vaguely aware of the blanket around his body, the pillow under his head, and the fact that his room is just a bit brighter than it was before.
His mind drifts between random things, thinking of weird sentences and scenarios that feel like they make sense but they don't.
He's not sure how long he stayed in his bed while half asleep, but eventually, after a long time, he hears the door to his room open.
Oh. Time for school. His mom is going to come over, and rip the blanket off him, and tell him to get ready "right now or else." He's going to go back there, and be tired and in pain, and he's going to gag at the school's lunch, and...
But that doesn't happen. The person who opened the door closes it lightly behind them. Kel hears walking. It gets further away, and then something gets set down. The sound of someone sitting on a mattress, and then unzipping something.
Kel doesn't wonder what those noises mean, or who's in his room. He's just waiting to get the blanket pulled off him. And after he realizes that won't happen, he relaxes, and dozes off again.
Then after another who knows how long period of time, Kel fully wakes up. He stretches. His body still aches, but he has more energy now. He pushes himself up and looks at the clock. 10:28 A.M.
Wait, he's late to school! He's surprised his mom didn't make him get up, did she forget? Well, actually, he's pretty happy that she did. Maybe he can skip school today?
...
Wait, no, today's Saturday. That's why she didn't wake him up. No school today, yay!
Hang on, Saturday... that means it's the weekend! HERO MIGHT BE COMING OVER TODAY!!
The morning brain fog instantly dissipates as he remembers. He feels a lot more energy than usual, though no amount of excitement will get rid of the soreness all around his body.
He looks over to Hero's side of the room. There's a gray backpack by his bed, and the sheets seem to have been moved.
Was... Was Hero already here!?
Kel pushes himself off his bed and heads down to the living room. He notices his legs feel shaky, so he makes sure to take it slow, especially while on the stairs.
He sees his dad on the couch. He looks over in the kitchen. Standing there, holding a fresh plate of breakfast by a counter, is...
"Hero!"
Kel's voice is rough. His throat feels dry. When's the last time he drank water?
Hero turns to look over, smiling. But when his eyes reach Kel, he freezes, and his smile drops. He looks Kel up and down, then stares at Kel's bandaged arm. He quickly tries to cover his change in expression, and forces his smile back.
"Morning, bedhead. Forgot to brush your hair before coming down?" He teases.
Kel suddenly notices all the hair that's in his face, looking tangled and unkempt.
"Oh..." Kel giggles, pushing some hair away from his eyes. "Whoops!"
"This is for mom," Hero says, gesturing to the plate he's holding, "but I can make you something while you get ready. How does chocolate chip pancakes sound?"
Once again, Kel tenses up at the thought of eating. He knows his stomach has been absolutely killing him lately, and he probably keeps passing out due to lack of food, but...
"Oh, uh, no, thanks. It's fine, I'm not really hungry."
Hero frowns at Kel. "What about scrambled eggs?"
"Nah. Really, it's fine."
"I could get you Orange Joe to go with it?"
Wow, did Hero really just offer to get him Orange Joe? He's always tried to discourage Kel from drinking that, is he really that desperate for Kel to eat? ...Why? Wouldn't he be happier if Kel starved-
Doesn't matter. Kel really can't handle the thought of eating right now.
"M-Maybe later. Anyway I'm going to go brush my hair," he adds quickly to stop Hero from continuing, and walks off toward the bathroom. Which is up the stairs again. God damn it.
After a minute to sit down and rest his legs from the stairs, he brushes his hair, brushes his teeth, and does his business. He looks in the mirror, and is startled by how visible the eyebags under his eyes are. He also feels like his face and body look a little different, but he's not sure why. He goes to his room and gets changed out of his pajamas, then goes back to the living room again.
His mouth waters as he smells the familiar scent of a certain caffeinated orange soda coming from the dining room. He hesitantly walks in. Hero and his parents are all sitting down and eating. Next to an empty chair is a plate of scrambled eggs with an opened can of Orange Joe beside it.
Hero looks over at Kel as he comes in. "I know you said you weren't hungry, but I made something for you just in case."
His mom glances at Kel. "Your brother set aside the time to make it for you, so you better eat it. You know how good his cooking is."
Hero looks away, a bit flustered. "Ah, thank you mom, but really it didn't take that long. It's just a couple of eggs."
Kel tries to ignore how forceful his mom sounded and goes to sit down. He still doesn't want to eat, but Hero seems to really want him to...
Hero and his parents talk. Talk about how things have been, what's been going on at Hero's college, any fun events, yada yada. Kel's quiet, not really listening. Not just that he doesn't really have much to say (aside from talking with Basil yesterday, everything's felt like the same old shit), but he's also lost in thought with his food. He drank the Orange Joe, he couldn't resist that tasty soda, but the eggs are a different story.
He knows how Hero makes scrambled eggs. And he loves them. They're great! Just like everything else Hero makes. So why doesn't he want to eat it now?
His stomach pangs. He feels nauseous. He pokes the eggs with his fork. He doesn't understand why he's looking at these delicious scrambled eggs as if he was just offered a rotten apple. Just like how he doesn't understand why he thought he looked different in the mirror, like how he doesn't understand why he can never sleep well, like how he doesn't understand any of those damn math problems in his homework. He doesn't understand anything, does he?
Stupid. He's an absolute idiot. Worthless, useless piece of garbage. He can't even eat food. Is he that damn dumb? Just put it in his mouth, chew, and swallow, it's not that hard! Yet here he is, a dumbass who can't even handle lifting a piece to his mouth—
"Kel?"
Hero's voice snaps Kel back to reality. He lifts his head. He realizes his parents have left, they probably finished their food. Hero's looking at Kel with an expression of concern.
Kel realizes his throat feels tight. His eyes aren't tearing up yet, but they feel close. His left arm is tightly wrapped around his stomach.
But Hero wouldn't want to know about Kel's stupid problems. If he's gonna be a moron, the best he can do is keep his mouth shut to not bother others.
Kel clears his throat. "Oh, uh, s-sorry!" He forces a laugh. "I guess I'm just really not hungry right now! But I'm sure the eggs are great!"
Hero looks really nervous. Guess Kel wasn't convincing enough.
"Kel..." Hero starts hesitantly. "Can you tell me... when was the last time you ate a full meal?"
"Uhh..."
Kel thinks back to the day before. He skipped supper, he didn't have lunch, he did eat some of his breakfast, but not all of it, so it probably didn't count as a full meal. He's pretty sure he also skipped supper the day before that, and lunch too probably, and... His memory starts to get blurry.
"I can't remember, sorry."
"What do you mean you can't remember!?" Hero suddenly raises his voice, wide-eyed. Kel flinches.
Hero seems to notice Kel's reaction and instantly lowers his voice back down.
"Sorry- Sorry, it's just..."
He takes a deep breath. He's silent for a bit, staring at the table.
"I need to do something. I'll be at my desk in our room if you need me." He gets up and walks away.
Wow, that was a very awkward ending to their conversation. Kel's only ever seen Hero talk like that when he doesn't know how to handle a situation. Which is fair, because Kel wouldn't know how to react to himself right now either. He'd probably laugh at himself, though, for being so dumb he can't eat.
He stares at his food, the only plate left on the table, and not a single bite taken out of it. He scrapes the eggs into a trashcan and puts his plate in the kitchen sink.
He goes outside to play with Hector.
— — — — — — —
Kel had decided to take Hector out to the park, playing catch and running around, and now he's exhausted. He probably should not have run so much when he's been fainting so often. It was a struggle to keep himself conscious just on the way back home.
He's walking up the stairs to his room, and tries to lightly bite his tongue to keep himself awake. But then he freezes as suddenly a sharp pain shoots up from his mouth. Right, he forgot his tongue was still messed up. He presses his eyes closed, waiting for the pain to fade, and then continues up.
Going into his room, he sees Hero still at his desk. He has a laptop open, seemingly one he brought from college. Kel can tell Hero's looking at some sort of article, but can't really see what it is. He goes up to Hero.
"Whatcha reading?" Kel says, not expecting to sound as breathless as he did.
Hero looks over his shoulder. "Oh, I'm just looking into something. You ok?"
Kel inhales and then lets out an "mhm." Unsurprisingly, Hero isn't convinced by that.
Kel's head starts to feel fuzzy again. Uh oh. At least he's not on the stairs this time, falling on them hurt like hell.
He needs something to press his weight against. He's vaguely aware that Hero stood up. He tries to take a step forward, but his leg shakes under him. He almost falls, but is caught by Hero. He tries to speak, but his body feels too heavy to move, and his vision gets blurry, and then...
...
Kel feels bed sheets under him. Did he fall asleep? He blinks his eyes open. The first thing he notices is the bedsheets are blue. Did he fall asleep in the wrong bed? Then he remembers he fainted, and he guesses Hero put him there.
He pushes himself up, and looks around. Hero isn't there. How long was he out for?
He looks back towards Hero's laptop, which is still open to the article he was reading. Kel knows he should respect Hero's privacy or whatever, but he's curious. So he takes a peak.
He can't tell what the article is about. There's a list of food, and the article talks about flavorful food and favorite foods and stuff. Eh, Kel guesses that it's just some cooking thing Hero's looking into. Even though he stopped cooking as much since Mari's passing, everyone can tell he still really enjoys it.
Kel looks over at his side of the room. Oh lord, he didn't realize how messy it was... His side has always been messy, but he's usually aware of when things aren't in their right place and just forgets to fix it (he says to himself he'll clean it later, and then he doesn't). But now, he's not even sure what half the stuff on his floor even is. There's a lot of papers, he can guess they're either homework or drawings, but he doesn't really know.
Eventually, Hero opens the door and comes back into the room. He's holding a cup with a bright orange drink.
"How long was I out?" Kel asks first thing.
"Oh, don't worry, it hasn't been that long. I just left the room to get you something. I'd guess less than a minute."
Hero puts the drink on his nightstand, slightly pushing his clock out of the way. "I made you an orange smoothie, I know it's probably been a while since you had one."
Kel's mouth waters. He loves orange anything, and orange smoothies are pretty high up there. Definitely not better than Orange Joe, but still.
As Kel takes the smoothie and drinks it happily, Hero looks at Kel while rubbing his arm anxiously. "Has that happened a lot recently?"
Kel takes his mouth off the straw and swallows. "Has what happened?"
"You fainting. I'm pretty sure that's the first time I've ever seen you faint, but you seem like you're used to it..."
"Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I- um... Yeah I've been fainting a lot lately."
Hero frowns at Kel. Again. Man, Hero's been frowning at him a lot. Probably because he's stupid.
He starts drinking again, and Hero stays silent, looking away. Then Kel remembers something, and opts to stop the awkward silence.
"Oh! By the way! I talked to Basil yesterday and it turns out he wants to keep being my friend too, so we're on good terms and stuff now. Uh, would it be ok if he came over? So you, me, and him could hang out together!"
Hero looks a little uncomfortable. Kel continues drinking while Hero talks. "I'll... think about it. It might just be better if you two hung out together without me, maybe I'll go walk around or something while he's over. But it's great that you have someone to talk to now!"
Suddenly, Kel hears loud slurping, and realizes that he finished his smoothie. That was fast! And tasty. He kind of wishes he could have more, but he feels too full.
Wait, he feels full? He hasn't felt full in a while... Is him feeling full a good thing? He doesn't know anymore.
Anyway, Hero was talking to him, he should probably respond.
"Yeah! It's fine if you don't wanna stay while he's over, I know you don't have the best thoughts on him ever since-" Kel pauses, remembering he probably shouldn't be talking about that more than he has to, especially around Hero who is really sensitive with this kind of stuff. 'This kind of stuff' referring to anything that relates to Mari.
"-Uh, ever since, you know. ANYWAY! That smoothie was really good!" Kel grins naturally. He'd think he could count the amount of times he's smiled without forcing it lately on one hand, but he can't, because his memory is shit. He's sure it's a low number though.
Hero smiles as well. "I can make more for you later. Maybe next time you're hungry."
"Mmm, yeah I'd like that." Kel stretches contently.
Kel looks back to his side of the room.
His mind wanders. He thinks about Basil, and how he's going to hang out with him more. And Hero, while he might not be staying for more than a day or two, Kel can get to hang with him, too, and relish in what he missed so much.
Hero cares so much, he went out of his way so many times just to help Kel. And Basil... Basil cares too. He asked Kel if he was ok when he could tell something was wrong, and kept pushing even when Kel denied it. Sure, it was annoying in the moment, but it was because he cared.
"A lot of people love you, Kel. I love you. Don't ever forget that, ok?"
Hero loves him.
Basil loves him.
There are people who love him.
He is loved.
His brain likes to lie to him, he noticed. He gets this overwhelming sense that he's hated, and it must be true, and he has to hurt himself to fix it. And yelling at it doesn't seem to make it stop, even thinking logically doesn't help, but...
But he'll be okay. He's not alone. And the people who love him can help him.
He's going to get through this.
He's going to live.