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First Date. Check.
Dinner and a movie. Classic, but effective. A little small talk over pasta, a little paw-holding during the previews. It didn’t take much schmoozing to get our digits intertwined, though. Amelia and I had hit it off fast, our overlapping tastes in movies, music, and food making the whole thing go off without a hitch.
I even scored a quick smooch when I dropped her off. Reserved, but I knew that was just a taste.
A couple of texts back and forth later, and a second date was secured.
This time, though, there was a catch. She wanted something more adventurous.
I tried to fish for details, but Amelia wasn’t having any of it. She wanted a surprise.
It felt like a test.
I was up for the challenge.
I Yoogled, engineered the ideal ChatPCP prompt, and scoured the 5chud boards until I found a perfect plan: hiking. A little more digging and the location was set. Granite Ridge, a scenic stretch of winding trails just twenty miles south of Old Hampshire. Options ranged from a quick loop around the base to a summit hike dotted with gorgeous overlooks. Any of them would make a perfect spot for some canoodling.
I was on my way to her to pick her up now, snacks packed, teeth brushed, and fully decked out in all-new, black thermalwear. The mountain wouldn’t be that cold this time of year, but the athleisure wear was multipurpose: functional and slim-fitting. It’d no doubt give her a generous view of these cheeks.
I pulled up to her house and shot her a text that I’m outside. A couple of minutes later, out walked the raccoon girl of my dreams.
Amelia bounced toward the car with an exuberant little wave, her poofy, striped tail swaying like it had a mind of its own. Her mask-like face framed her bright, curious eyes and an adorable nose. A heartwarming smile adorned her cheeks, the kind that made her look permanently high on life. Each and every step was light and bubbly, beautifully matching her casual yet cute outfit of a skirt and white top.
She opened the passenger door, and her expression instantly transformed. Her eyes glowed with excitement as they walked up and down my outfit.
“No way!” She squealed, feet following along with happy taps. “This is amazing! Ok—just give me a second, I’ll be right back.”
She slammed the door shut and bolted back inside, a girlish screech fading away as she disappeared.
I sat in the driver's seat, my head cocked in confusion. Still, her verbal whiplash didn’t bother me, and there wasn’t a chance I’d smother that enthusiasm. The date hadn’t even started yet, and this already felt like a win.
Another minute passes, and suddenly it all made sense.
Amelia emerged once again, now clad, from tip to tail, in black. Tight, sleek, and unapologetically form-fitting, the new outfit hugged her curves and bust perfectly. It almost made me jealous how her cheeks rivaled mine. Almost.
Regardless, matching outfits on a 2nd date? An excellent sign.
She skipped back to the car with even more giddy energy than before and hopped in.
“Ready!” She beamed.
I smiled and pulled away from the curb.
The drive felt like heaven. Tunes blasted from a playlist I’d spent hours assembling from our shared tastes. We shimmied in our seats, belting out choruses from the top of our lungs, as the mountains slowly rose in the distance.
Then, just a few miles short of our destination, it hit me.
Marshmallows.
What’s more romantic than roasting s’mores atop a mountain, sun painting the sky as it dipped behind a lovely couple? That alone had to be worth at least a dozen smooches.
I couldn’t help the little grin that spread across my face as I glanced over at her. She giggled, and my heart nearly melted clean out of my chest.
Down the road, I spotted a lone gas station at the corner of a four-way stop. I flicked on my blinker and pulled in, parking right up against the building.
“Here?” She asked, tilting her head. “You sure?”
I shrugged. “I figure it’s as good as any other place.”
We stepped out and headed toward the entrance
“Oh! Almost forgot—here you go!” She laughed, tossing me a black hat.
I caught it, kneading the fabric curiously. “Not that cold, don’t you think?”
She waved a paw dismissively as she slipped on a matching hat of her own. “You’re so silly.”
I hesitated, then shrugged again.
Eh. Matching outfits are cute.
I pulled it over my head, mildly confused by the extra fabric, and stepped inside. As I tugged the material down my face, it finally clicked.
The hat had eye and mouth holes.
I froze.
My gaze drifted across the store. Two patrons and a cashier stared back at us, eyes wide as deer in headlights.
I turned to Amelia. Her tail wagged furiously, and her grin beamed through her own mask’s cutouts.
Then she pulls a pistol from her pants.
BANG!
A shot cracked into the ceiling, ringing violently in my ears. I cowered instinctively, along with everyone else.
“Alright, nobody move!” Amelia’s sweet, shrill voice took the stage. “Hands where I can see them! Purses, wallets, jewelry—I want all of it! Cooperate and nobody gets hurt!”
My head spun wildly, thoughts scattering like loose marbles. I tried to take a second to gather my bearings, but a white canvas bag was suddenly tossed into my hands.
“I’ll talk to the cashier,” Amelia giggled. “Would you mind helping our friends in the aisles?”
Before I could even form a response, she was charging across the store toward the register.
“Did I stutter?!” She snapped, slapping away a display of energy shots. “Hands where I can see them!”
Tears poured down the poor man’s face as he punched his shaky fingers into the till. Ding. Amelia vaulted the counter in one swift motion, shoved the man aside, and began stuffing her pockets with bills.
I still hadn’t moved, watching her work with equal parts terror and awe.
She looked up, tossing me sweet, encouraging gestures with the gun toward a trembling female dhole near the freezers, silently mouthing, “Go on. You’re doing great.”
Autopilot kicked in. I shuffled toward the quivering canid with wobbly knees. It took me nearly half a minute to approach, and by the time I reached her, my brain had completely shut down.
We stood there, my fingers limply wrapped around the edge of the bag, our knees knocking so hard you could practically hear bone clack against bone.
“M-money…” I choked out. “In the bag?”
Footsteps rushed up behind me.
“Oh, honey, no,” Amelia cooed, her paw gently rubbing my back in tiny circles. “That won’t do at all. Here, let me show you.”
She plucked the bag from my hands with a sweet smile and turned to the dhole.
THWACK!
Amelia smashed the grocery basket clutched in the canid’s paws. It hit the floor with a sharp, plastic crack, spilling its contents across the linoleum.
“Are you deaf?!” She screamed. “Purse! In the bag! Now!”
The woman snapped out of her terrorized trance, dumping her purse and gold necklace inside.
“See?” Amelia nuzzled my arm. “Just needs a little more confidence.”
She grabbed my hand and dragged me toward the final patron, a marmot crouched behind the chip rack. As we rounded the corner, he fell to his butt, paws covering his face, sobbing frantic pleas for mercy.
She turned to me, offering the gun. “Wanna try again, babe?”
All I could manage were tiny, rapid shakes of my head.
“Oh, alright,” she grinned, giving my arm a sweet caress.
She racked the slide.
The rodent broke into chaotic cries. He clawed for his wallet, throwing it wildly at us, before curling up into a pitiful puddle of fear.
“It’s so funny,” she chuckled. “They all hate that sound.”
Her fingers laced with mine as she tugged me toward the exit, waving cheerfully at the cowering patrons.
“Thank you!” she called out.
We sprinted to the car, dollar bills fluttering in our wake. I jumped in, twisted the ignition, and floored it. Tires screeched as we tore down the road, my heart trying desperately to escape my chest.
Suddenly, she gripped my head and pulled me into the sloppiest smooch of my life. My eyes strained to keep the road in view as her tongue explored enthusiastically.
Eventually, she pulled away from the kiss with a wet pop.
“Now that’s how you land a third date!”