Chapter Text
“What do you mean, Lucifer’s gone?”
The words made no sense to Trixie. Well, okay, they made sense, but she couldn’t understand why she was hearing them now. Or at all. Not again. “He can’t be gone. You just said… I thought…”
Just a few minutes ago, Mom had sat her down to tell her she was going to be getting a baby sister, and now this? It couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t. She had to have misheard, maybe.
There was simply no way Lucifer had left again. It just…
No, it really didn’t make sense.
“We need to talk, monkey,” Mom had said. “About some important things.”
“Okay,” Trixie had said. She’d sat next to Mom on the couch in their living room, wondering what it was about. So many things had been changing lately. What else was going to change?
Braced to hear more bad news, Trixie was caught by surprise when Mom said, “I just found out a couple weeks ago that I’m pregnant, Trixie.” She took Trixie’s hands in both of hers. “There’ll be someone new in our family. Your baby sister.”
“Really?” she exclaimed. It took another second for it to sink in. Your baby sister. “You’re really having a baby?”
“Yes. I know it might not be easy to hear, but I just want you to know that we’ll all be a family together, okay? Even though things will be changing now, you’ll always be just as important.”
Wow. A baby. She was going to be a sister, when she never thought she would be. Her mom had said she wouldn’t be having any more kids, and since it’d never happened, Trixie had believed her. “You don’t have to give me the ‘I love you both equally’ speech,” she said. “I know.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah! This is awesome.” Any worry had disappeared, excitement taking its place. This was good news, right? Babies always were. There’d be that much more love in her life. “And that means Lucifer will officially be part of our family now, too.” She wasn’t a little kid anymore. She knew Mom and Lucifer were dating and loved each other, and that if Mom was having a baby, it was because of that.
Mom smiled, but not like one of her real happy ones. It was a bright beam undercut with sadness. “Yeah. But…” The smile faded as quickly as it’d appeared. “There’s something else we need to talk about. The thing is… the thing is, Lucifer can’t be here with us anymore. He had to leave for work.”
Trixie frowned. “But he works with you. And at Lux.” She didn’t understand what Mom meant, why she was making it sound like Lucifer had to go on a long business trip or something. She guessed maybe that was it…
“He had to leave for a different job,” Mom said. “Like when he was gone for a couple months before.”
“But then he came back. So—”
“I know, but, monkey…” Mom swallowed, like she was struggling to keep a calm face, the same way she’d done when she’d been sad because of Lucifer before. “He isn’t coming back this time. He’s gone, and we’re going to have to carry on without him, okay? We’ll still be a family, it’s just… he won’t be here with us.”
Wait. Wait, that—that couldn’t be right. Not the part where he’d left, not the part where he wasn’t coming back, none of it. Lucifer loved them. He wouldn’t just… just leave forever. She had to be misunderstanding something. “What do you mean, Lucifer’s gone? He can’t be gone. You just said… I thought…” She looked down at Mom’s belly. “I thought he would be her dad…”
“He is,” Mom said, her hand drifting to her stomach. That look like she was trying to hide how upset she was only grew.
“Doesn’t he know?”
“Yes, he knows.” She took a deep breath. “He wants to be here, Trixie, he does. But he can’t be with us right now.”
Trixie just stared at her, trying to understand. Yes, Lucifer had left once before like this, and she’d been angry with him for it, but he’d come back. He’d made up for it. They’d been happy, Lucifer and Mom especially. Just two weeks ago they’d been at Maze’s wedding, and Trixie had seen how much Lucifer loved her mom in the way they’d looked at each other. She’d thought… she’d thought that they might even get married themselves, soon.
But even if they didn’t want to get married, he was still supposed to be around. He wouldn’t have just left.
What could she have missed? Mom had just said Lucifer wanted to be here. What kind of job even required him to leave permanently? It was just Florida.
Trixie shook her head. “He wouldn’t leave. He wouldn’t leave us unless he had no choice, he—”
“It’s complicated, baby,” Mom said, briefly closing her eyes.
Then Trixie finally realized what did make sense.
Lucifer wouldn’t leave for good unless he had no choice, just like her dad wouldn’t have left unless he had no choice.
And that was exactly what’d happened. Dad had left, because he’d had no choice.
“Is Lucifer dead?” Trixie asked, her voice suddenly much higher than usual. “Are you lying about him having to work so I won’t be upset?” That had to be it. Mom knew how much it’d hurt when Dad had died—of course, she knew, she’d been just as hurt herself—and so she was trying to protect Trixie, like she tried to protect her from other difficult things.
Flashes of memory ran through her mind like images in a flip book. Mom’s face when she told Trixie that Daddy was gone. Maze, crying. A coffin covered in an American flag. The picture of her Dad looking out over his funeral. That was all she’d have of him now, pictures and memory, because he’d died and she wouldn’t be able to see him again for a long, long time.
What if it was the same with Lucifer?
Mom’s arms around her shoulders broke her out of the sudden panic. “Trixie, no. I promise, he’s not dead. He’s okay.”
She realized she was breathing too fast and tried to calm down as the words sank in. Not dead. Lucifer wasn’t dead like her dad. It was okay.
Except it wasn’t okay at all.
“Then why can’t he be here?” Trixie asked, calming down enough to pull away. Mom let her go, but she didn’t look much better than Trixie felt. “Why can’t we go with him? He’s just in Florida, right?”
Mom shook her head. “No, he’s not in Florida this time. He’s not… he’s not anywhere we can go.”
“Why can’t he visit, then? Why does he have to just be gone?”
Gone. Gone.
Daddy’s gone.
Lucifer might not be dead, but he was still gone.
“He just can’t,” Mom said. “But he still loves us, Trixie, and—”
She cut her off, realizing something else that didn’t make sense. “Wait. He really… he really already left? And I won’t see him again?”
Why wasn’t Lucifer telling her this himself? Why wouldn’t he say goodbye?
He hadn’t last time, either, but he’d come back after only two months. It was different now. This was forever, and he was their family, and he was leaving before his daughter was even born—
“Yes, Trixie,” Mom said. “He had to leave right away.”
Trixie barely heard her. “No. No, this isn’t right. He has to still be here. I’ll tell him why he can’t leave—”
Mom wrapped her in a hug again, a tighter one this time. “He’s gone, Trixie. I know it’s hard. But he’s already gone.”
Gone. Gone. Gone.
She started crying then, heat flooding her eyes and spilling down her cheeks. This was supposed to be a happy change. Not something that broke her heart.
Or her mom’s heart. Pressed against her chest, Trixie could feel Mom’s breath hitch, the tightness with which she held on to Trixie. Her voice betrayed how close she was to crying, too. “It’ll be okay,” she whispered, one hand coming up to stroke Trixie’s hair. “It’ll be okay.”
Gone. Gone.
It was never okay.
Trixie clung to her mom and cried, the way she had so many times before these last few weeks. She cried for Lucifer, and for Mom, and for her dad all over again, the pain welling up just as strongly as ever. She’d only just started to be able to work around it, to push her grief down deep where it wouldn’t consume her, but she couldn’t keep it contained right now.
She missed her dad, so much. Wanted him back with them. It still seemed so impossible sometimes, how he could just be taken away from them in an instant. How he’d never hold her like this again, or take her to the beach so he could teach her to surf, or wear stupid feather boas to win at Unicorn Army just because it was fun to play together.
And now this. Now Lucifer had also left.
He’d hugged her like this after Daddy died too. Comforted her while she’d cried on the way back from the hospital. He’d been the only one to get her to smile again at first, the way he’d always been able to make her smile before. He’d spent so much time at her house with them that Trixie couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to never see him step through the door again.
It wasn’t fair. How could this happen to someone else close to her, so soon?
No. No, Trixie wasn’t going to accept it. She hadn’t been able to save her dad, but she could fix it this time. She could convince Lucifer to stay. Or at least to come back.
She didn’t care what Mom said, because she knew Lucifer wouldn’t leave them like this. Not when they were finally starting to be happy again. Not when Mom was going to have a baby.
Trixie couldn’t even really think about how she was going to have a sister right then. She needed to fix this first.
She pushed away. “Trixie—” Mom started to say, but she didn’t stop. She just went over to her room and shut the door.
Sitting on the bed, she wiped at her face with her sleeve and waited. There was no point crying about Lucifer leaving, because she was going to put a stop to it. He wouldn’t stay gone.
The tears stopped and her face dried and still she couldn’t hear Mom getting up from the couch. Trixie remembered what it’d been like for both of them the last time he’d left. How she’d been upset with him, but Mom had just been so sad, even though she’d tried her best to hide it. Just like she was trying to hide it now.
She pictured Mom staying right where she’d left her, face in her hands, crying silently to keep Trixie from hearing. How many times had she caught her doing that before, or seen her quickly wiping away the tears as Trixie walked into the room? How many more times was she going to see her mom crying now if she didn’t fix it?
She couldn’t wait any longer, even if Mom heard her. She took her new phone—one she’d only just gotten recently so she could always call if she needed something—and some of the allowance she’d saved up, putting it all in her jacket pocket. Then she climbed out of her window and set off down the walkway, heading for the street.
One taxi ride later, paid in cash, she got to Lux.
It was closed. She’d never seen it closed before. Empty, but not closed, the doors locked, even though it was the middle of the afternoon.
It didn’t matter. She knew how to get in; Maze had shown her the side entrance to the parking garage that they never bothered to lock. She’d taught her how to sneak in, small and unnoticed, part of the games they liked to play. Trixie didn’t need to sneak in now, though. She just walked straight through and over to the elevator.
The penthouse looked empty when the doors opened, which wasn’t exactly surprising. If he’d left, of course he wouldn’t be here. But she’d hoped.
“Lucifer?” she called out anyway, just in case. She walked over to the bedroom. “Lucifer?”
It was empty, too. Trixie checked everywhere, but he wasn’t there.
While she was looking, she noticed something else—everything here was exactly the same as the last time she’d seen it. All the furniture, all his clothes, all the things in the bathroom. Nothing was packed up or put away; it just looked like he’d stepped out for a moment. He couldn’t have moved out yet, right? So maybe he really hadn’t left yet. Maybe he’d be coming back up for his things and she could talk to him then.
Walking back into the main room, she pulled out her phone and called him. The sooner they talked, the better.
A harsh vibrating sound hit her ears, loud and sudden in the quiet. She jumped, eyes going straight to the source.
A phone on the piano, lit up with an incoming call. Her call.
Trixie smiled in relief and hung up. See? He hadn’t left. Obviously, he hadn’t left. He would’ve taken his phone with him. So he had just stepped out and would be back soon.
She went to sit on the couch to wait, but paused just before she got there as she realized that he’d never answered her calls the last time he’d left.
What if… what if he hadn’t taken his phone then? What if he had to leave it behind now too?
No. No, that couldn’t be it; he’d just been busy before. This was different. He’d be back for the phone, she knew it.
So she settled onto the couch to wait.
At first she played with her own phone for a while, going through the games Mom had let her add. But she couldn’t concentrate, and eventually she just gave it up and sat there.
The penthouse stayed as silent and empty as it’d been when she’d arrived. Each minute passed so slowly with the ticking of the clock, the only real sound besides the ones she made herself. It felt eerie.
Trixie had never been alone here before. She’d been coming over more and more frequently, but Lucifer was always there, or Maze, or her mom.
She looked down at the rug, where they’d played games the last time she’d been here. She was pretty sure they’d let her win, but for once, she hadn’t cared. Mom had been smiling as she leaned against Lucifer on the floor, his arm around her while he gloated over how well he was doing before he made the mistake that cost him the game, and Trixie… Trixie had felt like maybe she would be okay, after all.
That’d been earlier this summer. The week before she’d gone to camp, even though it’d felt ridiculous to do it. They’d signed her up a long time ago, and Mom had said it might help to go anyway.
Camp had ended a week ago. She hadn’t seen Lucifer since Maze’s wedding, she realized. It hadn’t seemed weird to her—it wasn’t like she saw him every day.
She realized Mom had been sad that entire time, too. She’d said she was just tired, or not feeling well, and Trixie had believed her. She’d thought if Mom was sad, it was because of Dad, and hadn’t ever thought it could be because of something else.
But what if she’d been sad because of Lucifer? Because he’d left already, and she just hadn’t wanted to tell Trixie right away?
What if Lucifer really was gone? And he hadn’t taken his phone, because… because wherever he was, whatever this job was, he couldn’t use it.
What if he’d just decided to abandon it here? To abandon the whole penthouse? To abandon—
No.
She’d just have to wait.
Another half hour passed in silence. It felt like forever.
Trixie was cold, too. She’d never thought this place was cold before, but it was now. The couch was cool to the touch, and there was no warm air hitting her skin, despite the warmth of the August day outside.
She glanced at the phone again, still resting on top of the piano.
It just didn’t make sense. Where would Lucifer even go? Why would he have to leave so permanently like that? And if he didn’t have his phone, did that mean he couldn’t even call?
It was just like her dad. If Lucifer was alive but couldn’t be with them, couldn’t talk to them… what difference did it make?
Trixie could only think of one explanation, but she hated it. She didn’t want it to be true.
The chime of the elevator had her jumping up again. Finally. “Lucifer—”
Her voice died just as fast. It wasn’t Lucifer; it was Maze.
“There you are,” Maze said, clearly relieved to see her. “What are you doing here?” She strode out of the elevator, hand dipping into her pocket.
A lump lodged itself in Trixie’s throat. She stayed where she was, disappointment washing over her. “Aren’t you on your honeymoon?”
“We got back yesterday.” Maze brought her phone to her ear, scanning Trixie from head to foot. “Yeah, she’s here,” she said to whoever was on the phone. Trixie was guessing Mom. “She’s okay. We’ll wait for you.”
Maze hung up. “Your mom is on the way,” she said. “I was closer and came to check if you were here. She’s frantic. She thought you got kidnapped. You can’t do that after—” Maze broke off, as if she hadn’t meant to say that. “Never mind.”
Trixie couldn’t even say anything to that. She knew they’d be mad, but this was important. Didn’t they get that? Did Maze not know?
Maze took her hand and sat her down on the couch, perching next to her. “So,” she said. “Why’d you run off this time?”
“I need to talk to Lucifer. So I’m waiting here until he gets back.”
Maze sighed. “Your mom said she told you. Lucifer, he—”
“He’s in hell, isn’t he?”
Maze gaped at her for a moment. “I…”
“Mom said he’s gone. And that he can’t visit and he’s not coming back, and nothing about it makes sense except if he went back to hell. That’s it, isn’t it? That’s why we can’t go with him. Why he left his phone. Because it won’t work there.”
Maze followed her gaze to the piano and sighed again.
Trixie didn’t want to believe it, but it was the only thing that made sense. Lucifer was the devil, and he had to go back to hell.
She just didn’t understand why. He’d moved to Earth. He lived here now, in this very room. He loved her mom so much. Loved Trixie, too. He didn’t say it, but she knew. So why would he want to leave? What could be more important there than staying here with them?
They never really mentioned him being the devil, not in a serious way, so Trixie had always thought it just didn’t matter. He came from hell, but so what? Everyone came from somewhere. He just did normal stuff with them now, and she’d thought he was happy here. She’d thought it was so cool that out of everyone, they got to have him.
Even if there was some reason he needed to leave that she just didn’t understand…
Why couldn’t he at least have said goodbye?
Did they think she wouldn’t understand, about hell? She knew most people didn’t believe he was the devil, but Maze did. She was a demon. She’d tell Trixie the truth.
“You really believe the truth about us, huh?” Maze said.
“I’m not some little kid who can’t handle things. So just tell me.”
“Yes,” Maze finally said. “It’s the truth. Lucifer really is the devil, and he had to go back to hell.”
“But why?” she burst out. “He’s supposed to be here. With us. We’re his family. Why does it have to be forever?”
“It’s something he needs to do,” Maze said slowly. “It’s important, Trixie.”
Another person trying to keep things from Trixie. “That’s not an answer.”
Maze shook her head. “Your mom told me not to say anything about it.”
“But you know.”
“I do. You’ll find out later, Trixie.”
“But you told me he was in hell when Mom didn’t. Why can’t you just tell me this, too?” Trixie felt close to crying again. Her eyes were burning, in hurt and frustration. She had to know the reason why everything was changing. Why Lucifer had to leave his family when they were adding to it. “Why does he have to be there? He can’t want to, right? Does he have to? Just because he’s the devil?”
“He…” She hesitated. “He just has to, Trixie.”
“I thought we were friends. But you won’t tell me when I need to know.” She didn’t care if she was whining. This was all so wrong—so much worse than the last time he’d left.
It was only then that she realized she’d been hoping Maze would say it wasn’t that bad, that he’d be back soon. But those hopes were disappearing as quickly as everyone around her was.
“Is he really not coming back?” she asked, her voice breaking.
“Maybe someday,” Maze said. “But not… not for a long time.”
“Are you going to leave?” She was a demon, and Lucifer already had to go back. What if Maze did, too? When would she lose her best friend?
Who else was going to leave?
Maze said, “No. No, Trixie, I’m not going anywhere. Promise.”
But Trixie wasn’t sure she could trust it. People left, even when they didn’t mean to.
“Is my dad in heaven?” she asked. She’d never questioned it before—of course, her dad went to heaven—but Lucifer was in hell when he shouldn’t have to be, so why not her dad?
“Yes,” Maze said, and Trixie let out a breath in relief. At least there was that. “Yes. He’s there with Charlotte. Waiting for you.” She put an arm around Trixie’s shoulders and squeezed. “It’s going to be a long time, because you deserve a long life. I don’t want you to be waiting for them too. But it’ll be okay, Trixie.”
If Maze really thought so, then maybe it would be. It had to be.
She couldn’t take it if it wasn’t okay.
The chime of the elevator again. This time, Trixie didn’t even bother to look.
Mom ran over and bent down to wrap Trixie in a hug, clutching her tight. “How could you just run off like that?” she said. “I thought you knew better.”
She didn’t care if it’d been wrong. She just hugged her back. “Sorry,” she said anyway, because she knew Mom must be just as upset as she was and she didn’t want to make it worse. “I thought I could fix it.”
Mom sighed, letting go. “There’s nothing to fix, monkey.”
That wasn’t true. But Trixie was too empty to say anything. She was suddenly so tired; all the energy that had driven her here was gone.
“Come on. Let’s get home.”
Trixie followed her into the elevator, Maze behind them. She turned to look as the doors shut, taking in the empty penthouse.
It had been abandoned, after all.
The doors finished closing, sealing it from view. She wondered what would happen to it, now that Lucifer was gone. Wondered if she’d ever see it again.
Wondered if she’d ever see him again.
How could things be okay, when everything kept turning into a nightmare?
They went home and ate dinner in quiet. At least, she and Mom were quiet. Maze had decided to come back with them, and she talked the whole time, but Trixie was still so tired. She barely got in a few mouthfuls before she pushed her food away and went to her room.
When the door was closed, leaving her alone where no one could see, she sat on the bed and awkwardly brought her hands up in prayer. She’d had to do it a few times when visiting family, but it felt weird to her. Especially since this time, she was trying to pray to the devil, and she had no idea if it would work.
Lucifer, she thought, closing her eyes, I don’t know if you can hear me, but I have to try. People can pray to God and saints, so why not you, right?
She paused, putting her thoughts together.
Look, I know that adults have to do things even if I don’t understand it. I know there’s something going on with hell and that’s why you left. But if you can hear me… please, come back. Find another way to do it. Mom needs you. I need you. My sister… my sister will need you. It’s not right. So please just come back and then we can fix it.
Trixie waited, running out of words. Her throat felt tight again, making it hard to think.
Please come back, she thought again.
Her hands dropped onto her lap. The moments passed and still, nothing happened.
She wasn’t expecting him to show up later.
Trixie had a nightmare that night.
How could she not? She had them sometimes, and she’d had them almost every night the last three months. Now that she had even more bad news, it wasn’t surprising she had one again.
Lately they’d been about her dad dying. This time, Lucifer joined him.
She’d been hugging him at the funeral when the gunfire went off. At first, she thought it was the salute Mom had told her about.
But then Lucifer fell. Collapsed right there out of her arms.
When she looked down, she was standing over his coffin, too, black with a red pentagram in the middle.
She looked up again. Vincent Le Mec was standing there, pointing a gun at her next.
Trixie had woken up after that, a strangled scream stuck in her throat. Her breath came short and fast as she scrambled up to sit against the headboard, fingers fumbling for the lamp until light bathed her bedroom. She hugged her knees to her chest, taking in every inch of the room, until she was able to reassure herself that she was alone and Le Mec was dead.
She’d read about it, a week ago on the last day of camp.
“Look!” Isabella said. “There was this huge prison breakout and some scary murderer got free. They caught him again, though. Well he got killed, but still. I thought the police were supposed to be better than that?”
Trixie crowded around her along with a few other girls, looking at Isabella’s phone. She was playing a video even though they weren’t supposed to be doing that right now, but no one was watching them.
Isabella turned the volume up. A reporter was talking about the breakout, how the cops were apprehending the last person still on the loose. She said he wasn’t considered as dangerous as Vincent Le Mec, now confirmed dead.
A photo replaced the reporter on the screen. Trixie went cold. “Him?” she said.
“Yeah, why?” Isabella said, completely unaffected. Of course she wasn’t concerned. She hadn’t been near Trixie the other day when a random guy, claiming to be a cop and her dad’s friend, had stopped to talk to her.
The same person looking back at her on the screen now. Who was most definitely not a cop. “This guy is a murderer?”
“Yes…”
Some dangerous murderer had found her to talk about… to talk about her dad…
“What did he do?” Trixie asked, breathless. She snatched the phone up.
“Hey!” Isabella protested, but Trixie ignored her. She exited out of the video and scrolled down the news article.
There it was.
Among other suspected crimes, Le Mec had been arrested and was awaiting trial for the recent murders of Jonathan Donnelly, Brooke Frier, and homicide detective Daniel Espinoza…
“Trixie?” Mandy said. Her voice sounded weird, like it was coming from far away, even though they were standing right next to each other. “Are you okay?”
No. No, she wasn’t. But she couldn’t speak. She just kept staring at the screen, at those same words.
Isabella tugged on the phone again, annoyed, but Trixie barely noticed. She was clutching it so tightly she couldn’t let go.
Her dad’s… her dad’s killer had found her, out in the open in the park, had talked to her and… and taunted her about her dad…
She felt like she was going to be sick.
Isabella finally yanked the phone away. Mandy said, “Maybe we shouldn’t watch this…”
Trixie spun around, looking all over the room, trying to see every single face. They were inside today, and she knew that guy was dead, but still, she couldn’t help it.
She’d talked to the person who’d killed her dad. Told him she loved her dad, that he’d been a great father.
He could have killed her too.
Trixie heard Mandy whispering to the other girls about what’d happened. Isabella said, “Sorry, Trixie, I didn’t know. But can you please not tell anyone?”
She swallowed. He’s dead. It’s over.
It was never over, though. Her dad was dead too and always would be.
And she couldn’t tell anyone about what’d happened.
“I won’t,” she said. They were all looking at her like they didn’t know what to do with her. “It’s fine. Can we just go back to what we were supposed to be doing?”
So they did. And Trixie tried to forget about it.
She’d mostly managed to stop being freaked out about it. Mom hadn’t told her that her dad’s killer broke out of jail, and she had to have known. There was no point telling her; he was dead and Trixie was fine and it could never happen again. She hadn’t wanted to worry her mom before, and she certainly couldn’t tell her now, on top of everything else.
But she still stayed awake all night with the light on, clutching her purple stuffed sea otter and trying not to cry again. Her eyes still hurt from crying so much yesterday, and she felt sick to her stomach again. She felt that way a lot lately.
Trixie still didn’t feel great the next morning, but Mom didn’t seem to notice. She didn’t ask if she’d slept okay, didn’t ask why she was only poking at her cereal instead of eating it.
Her own eyes were red and puffy, too.