Work Text:
So, here's how it starts, it's the end of the year and they're just two kids sleeping in Clarence's top bunk,
It's any night, except then Sumo's foot had hooked around his ankle. Such a nothing moment, right?
Jeff spent hours not moving, not closing his eyes, just staring at the ceiling, the whole world boiled down to the focal point of skin on skin. He wondered, if he could hazard a look, would Sumo be watching him? Was he doing this on purpose? Could he fathom what he was unleashing in Jeff?
It's a core memory. Thirteen years old and nothing had ever felt this- much, his heart pounded in his chest and there was a buzzing in his ears.
As the sun was coming up Sumo had rolled away, the contact disappearing like a bubble popping inside of him.
He's different after that, but he's not entirely sure how.
-
But no- maybe things had changed before that, maybe it was spinning together, looking at Sumo and seeing someone he'd never seen before.
Realizing he'd been there the whole time, so buried under a layer of grime that Jeff never noticed, now he can't not notice, can't not have every second of Sumo's time that he can grab for himself.
-
Then before you know it they're fifteen and Jeff didn't even want to come to this party.
He thought he was ready. Clarence was right, this isn't the fun kind of party, the house smells like skunk and yeast, everyone's laughing but nothing seems to be funny.
Worst of all, he's seen multiple people spill on the carpet and make no attempt to clean it up (he did, but that's not relevant)
He needs to go home, he needs to find Sumo.
The main areas are just a throng of people, pulsing music and writhing bodies, he does a cursory check of the crowd, planning to try again if he can't find Sumo elsewhere.
It's weird, with Sumo he's always at the very middle of a group or tucked away at the edge. Jeff's noticed a lot of things about Sumo, things he's pretty no one else has ever noticed, or at least wouldn't bother to catalog.
He has a cluster of three freckles behind his left ear, he's double jointed in five places, he bites his nail beds when there's too much noise and he's not the one making it.
Then hides away, so that's where Jeff's going to look, Belsons house has a bunch of spare rooms Sumo could retreat to. If he'd thought about why someone might go to a spare room at a party-
Well, he'd think it was for a quiet moment or conversational privacy, but that's exactly why he needs to leave this place. This is not a Jeff appropriate zone.
He doesn't even consider waiting before he walks in.
There’s a girl, one he vaguely recognizes from picking Sumo up at his school, her head is thrown back, mouth hanging open and-
Sumo's face is between her legs.
The first room he checked too, that's lucky right? He's a lucky guy.
"Oh god." Jeff freezes in the doorway, brain attempting to process what he’s seeing.
Her head snaps up, expression panicked. “What the fuck-”
Sumo starts to look over and Jeff runs, the world going black around the edges, he doesn't know where he's going, just that he needs to go.
He stumbles into the nearest room he knows has a lock, not caring who he has to push past to get a solid piece of hardwood between him and his problems.
Ugh, he can almost hear the joke Sumo would make.
He ends up in the bathroom, people are knocking but it's distant, his ears are ringing, lead weight crushing his chest.
Calm, he needs to calm his breathing the way his moms taught him, deep breathes in through the nose, out through the mouth. Longer on the exhale, focusing just on the sound and feeling of diaphragm expanding, he’s safe he’s okay he’s-
"Jeff?" Sumo calls from outside.
His heart jumps into his throat, pulse thrumming.
"...no?" Jeff responds unconvincingly.
"Can I come in?"
"No." He stands on shaky bambi legs, unlocking the door.
Sumo comes in, people are yelling, he frowns and yells back. "Pee outside, it's not a big deal!”
"It is for girls!" A girl yells.
The door shuts and locks again, except Sumos on this side of it. Jeff looks straight at his mouth and it's not wet, but it's red like he scrubbed his dirty flannel across it.
Their eyes meet and Sumo definitely noticed him looking, but his eyes look huge and scared. "I didn't mean for you to see-"
"It doesn't matter, it's not a big deal." Jeff says, voice sounding like a school recorder.
"Okay." Sumo eyes him skeptically. What does he know? What can he tell?
"We're just- we're too young, we're- we're not ready." It sounds weak even to his own ears.
"You're not ready, guess I am." Sumo shrugs, his eyes are soft, like he feels sorry for him, Jeff wishes he could hate him.
"It's unhygenic." He tries, a last ditch effort at- something, he's not sure what exactly.
Sumo laughs, but it's not mean, with another guy it might be mean. This is why Sumo gets away with so much. "That's why it's fun."
Jeff makes a face, shakes his head. The people outside have stopped slamming at the bathroom door, now it feels too quiet, just him and Sumo. His breathing is still too fast, he feels too cold and too hot.
"You want a taste?"
Jeff blanches, heart dropping in his chest like when you miss a step. "You mean?" He can’t mean-
"I kiss you and you get to know what a girl tastes like." Sumo says, like it's simple, like it's something people just say to their friends.
Jeff curls his nose reflexively. "I don't want to know what a girl tastes like."
He should, right?
"Then find out what my spit tastes like I guess." Sumo leans on the counter.
He's so casual, too casual. How can he be so casual?
"I don't-" he hesitates, it doesn't sound like the worst thing in the world, Sumo close and warm and putting all of his focus on Jeff. It sounds nice in a way he can’t think about too hard or he’ll pass out. "I'm too young. We're too young. I'm not ready."
Sumo shrugs. "That's cool too, want to blow-"
Jeff chokes and Sumo grins. "-off this party? Go watch TV with Clarence?"
"More than anything."
Sumo smiles. The world feels like it’s just them.
.
Jeff tries not to think about it, spends two entire years trying not to think about it.
And god it's a long two years, Sumo gets tall, taller than any of his brothers, tall enough that when he stands beside Sumo he feels small, but in a way Jeff kind of likes? It's confusing.
He even puts on the barest hint of muscle, enough to make his sleeveless shirts fit in a way that has Jeff feeling kind of dizzy sometimes. And his hair? It's blonde, oh my god it's so blonde, he lets parts of it grow and somehow it doesn't get matted it looks so good.
And girls like Sumo, girls really like Sumo.
Jeff's moms wait for him to come out and he wishes he was just gay, this is way worse.
He thinks about Sumo's face between his legs, going at him with the single minded intensity that he approaches everything that matters to him, not relenting until he has Jeff making embarrassing noises like that girl was. When he finally gives in and touches himself to the thought it’s electric, nothing like his unimpressive attempts before this.
He’s not sure what his Mom’s know, just that an unscented lotion and tissues arrived in his room about a week after the party.
-
It's just the two of them, since The Incident it's not usually just the two of them.
It wasn't on purpose or anything, he didn't think so at least, but they were a trio and with Sumo at a different school and taking AP classes they didn't have as much time with him as they used to.
But now it's just them.
Alone. In Jeff's room, and his moms aren't even home.
"You ready yet?"
Jeff freezes, those words 'I'm not ready' have been echoing in his head for years now, but they've never mentioned it, and what was it? An offered kiss? That's nothing. To people who aren't Jeff, it's nothing. "What?" He chokes out.
"We're going over to Clarence's, right?" Sumo tilts his head, his hair spills into his eyes and Jeff resolutely doesn't reach out to tuck it behind his ear.
God he's so blonde, it's not even bleached he's just… his brain unhelpfully supplies the word: sunkissed. Just like his skin. Bronze. It looks like- oh god focus man!
Jeff lets out a nervous laugh. "Oh! Yeah, Clarence's of course."
Sumo’s eyes look sharp, like they do when he's messing with him. "Let's go then."
They don't move. Jeff has no idea what this is. "I've been ready for a while actually."
It's true, they've just been sitting on his floor talking for over an hour since he packed for the night. Jeff had been having too much fun to call it, having Sumo to himself felt like stealing time.
"Oh yeah?" Sumo's voice sounds weird in a way he can't quite recognize, Jeff looks away.
"Just waiting for you at this point." Still ambiguous, not a strange energy in the air at all.
His breath is unsteady in his chest, is he imagining this? He has to be, there's no other explanation.
"Yeah?" Sumo says, sounding incredulous, but still restrained, casual. "You coulda' just told me."
Jeff shrugs. His throat feels tight, he can't move, can't make a noise.
It's too quiet, Jeff would probably run if he wasn't locked in place. Fight, flight, fawn, freeze.
Sumo touches his shoulder, Jeff flinches and Sumo pulls back. "Dude chill out, it's just me."
"Haha yeah, of course." Jeff's voice is reedy, like it's coming out of a tiny little gap in his throat.
"We could go to Clarences whenever-” he pauses, the pause seems heavy. -”or not." Sumo shrugs, like it doesn't matter.
Jeff feels sand slipping through his proverbial fingers. "We could stay here?" His voice is at a pitch only dogs could hear.
Sumo grins, expression slipping out of fake casualness and into something else Jeff can’t quite read yet. "Oh yeah dude, I'm sure we could, uh, stay busy."
Jeff nods frantically, heart pounding, ringing in his ears.
They don't move. "We uh-" Jeff forces his voice out of his throat. "We could start, um, staying here. Now."
Sumo laughs, he sounds nervous and that makes Jeff feel a little more relaxed. “No time like now, right?” He moves slowly so he's facing Jeff, his eyes are huge.
Jeff swallows audibly, he leans in.
Sumo pulls away, eyes like discs. "I-"
Oh god he's changing his mind.
Jeff panics. "We should go." It comes out before he can stop it. "To Clarences."
"Oh." Sumo looks whiplashed, like maybe he had just been leaning back and- and Jeff had just assumed he was being rejected and- it doesn't matter, okay? It's over. The moments passed.
-
It doesn't come up again.
-
Sumo gets into a good university, and when he tells Jeff it’s three states over something in him shatters.
"Come with me." Sumo says, like it's obvious and Jeff is oblivious.
Jeff's breath sticks in his throat.
Something one of his Mom’s told him once. "You know Jeff some things are forever, some are just for a season. Then you have to let them go."
It had been about a plant then, he was five and struggling with the fact that it was seasonal. But he thinks about Sumo.
He lets him go.
Sumo has places to be, Jeffs realizing every day he doesn't have the guts to go anywhere.
They plan to stay friends, still talk, but life gets in the way, y'know? And years just slip away. Who hasn't heard this story? Why even tell it.
Jeff gets his teaching degree at a local community college, and Sumo-
Whatever. Who hasn't had an ex-boyfriend become an astronaut?
And yeah, okay, maybe he misses him, maybe it's a step removed from a physical hole in his side.
But everyone has the one that got away, it's normal, it's why adults are broken.
-
"Clarence?"
"Sumo wanted me to give this to you!" He holds out a letter with a wide smile.
-
"Jeff,
This is stupid, but I always thought that you and me-
The next part is scribbled out to the point of illegibility.
and that maybe you felt it too? I don't know, you know I can't say this stuff. But I'm going into space tomorrow and if I don't die maybe we can get a drink? Or you can tell me to fuck off? Either one.
I told Clarence to give this to you, sorry I pussied out on telling you in person, but I'm in Florida and launch is tomorrow and maybe this is my last shot.
Hope I don't explode or something!
Love, Sumo"
"Love Sumo" Jeff traces the words with his fingers even as he grinds his teeth in fury.
-
Jeff spends the next few weeks furious, he leaves 36 messages on Sumo's answering machine.
-
Jeff opens the door, his heart stops. "Hi."
Sumo has a wide smile. "Hi, crazy."
Jeff glares. "Thirty-six messages aren't nearly as deranged as what you did, what kind of stupid movie shit is that? A fucking letter? And what looked to be a first draft letter?"
Sumo's smile impossibly gets wider. "It worked though."
Jeff wants to hit him, he wants to kiss him. Fight, flight, fawn, freeze. He hesitates, then pulls back and socks Sumo in the stomach. Sumo makes a satisfying oof.
It hurts, it feels like maybe he has abs under his ratty t-shirt. Jeff crosses his arms to hide his red, pulsing hand.
"Nice." Sumo heaves out, smile no smaller.
"Why are you wearing a shirt with holes in it? Don't you have NASA money now? Buy new clothes." Jeff glares, hurt and frustrated and definitely messing this up.
Sumo laughs, looking at him in a way Jeff can only read as fond. "You buy them for me, take my NASA money and dress me right."
He blinks. "Okay."
Sumo reaches out a hand, puts it on his crossed arms. "And organize all my important NASA papers."
"...Yeah?"
Sumo nods vigorously. "And clean out my fridge."
Jeff barks out a surprised laugh. "Is this you flirting with me?"
"Yeah, it working?"
Jeff hates to admit that it is. "Maybe."
Sumo steps forward and kisses him like they've done this a million times, but Jeff sees the way the hand on his arm shakes.
Then he doesn't see- or think- or breath for a few weighty seconds as Sumo's lips touch his. His brain struggling through an embarrassing boot loop.
Sumo pulls back at the lack of response, eyes wide like Sacagawea dollars.
"I have a collection of Sacagawea dollars." Jeff blurts out, loop broken but still brain dead.
Sumo stares at him for a long second, before barking out a half crazed laugh. "Yeah I know you do dweeb, I went with you to the coin show remember? They had that sweet Lincoln penny on display."
Jeff fucking jumps him, hands going into Sumo's hair, mouth open and eager.
It's gonna be embarrassing in hindsight, literally making out on the door stop of his Moms old house (they've taken up RV living and are living their best life across continents).
Right now? It's static in his mind.
Sumo laughs against his mouth, pulls back just slightly. "That's what does it for you? Coins?"
"Shut up." Jeff yanks him back in with genuine force.
Sumo grins, then before Jeff knows it he's in the air, his legs find their way around Sumo's waist.
Jeff pulls away. "Show off."
Sumo grins so wide.
Jeff's breath hitches, how many years has his breath done that when Sumo smiles? So many, god so many.
Sumo walks them into Jeff's house, effortlessly.
"Close the door."
"Bossy." Sumo retorts. But he closes the door.
Sumo's kissing his neck, and it's hard to think about anything other than Sumo kissing his neck.
“Take me to the bedroom.” Jeff's not sure what has possessed him, all he's sure about is that this is happening now.
Sumo pulls back, Jeff tries not to whine at the lack of contact but it still comes out just a little, he has the same wild eyed smile on his face that Jeff remembers from being kids. “Are we gonna fuck in your childhood bed, Jeffery?”
He huffs out a laugh. “It isn't literally the same bed, I'm an adult now I needed something with more spine support. Spine health is increasingly important in your thirties-”
Sumo looks so fond it stops him in his verbal tracks.
“What?” Jeff asks, hating how nervous his voice sounds.
“I'm in love with you.” Sumo says, like it's not the first time he's said it to his face, like he wasn't raised to be more emotionally stunted then Jeff.
And he knew, the letter said “love, Sumo”, but to hear it is something entirely different. His breath chokes in his throat, he makes a gurgle of a noise and Sumo's smile deepens. He has crows feet, so does Jeff.
“Oh my god you can't say that.” Comes out before he can stop it.
Sumo laughs, shifting onto his other foot and holding Jeff with one arm, opening and closing the bedroom door like it's no big deal.
Jeff 'eeps'. What a fucking show off.
Sumo walks them backwards, still holding him with one stupid arm, he brings up a hand to trace his fingers over Jeff's cheek. “Too late man, it's out there, no take backsies.”
In one swift motion Sumo throws him onto his bed. He once again 'eeps’.
Before he can think, try to get some sort of upper hand and maintain his pride, Sumo is on top of him, lips close but not touching his, Jeff notices for the first time that Sumo must have brushed his teeth before this.
Both thoughtful and presumptuous.
“Sumo.” He breathes out, not able to get enough air into his lungs for his brain to have the capacity to be embarrassed, or make any coherent things to say.
“Besides, you said it in voicemail twenty six.”
“I said…?” His brain is fuzzy, it's hard to follow any conversational thread.
“”I love you Sumo, you stupid piece of space trash.”” Sumo supplies, cheshire cat grin, how is he so calm?
“I was drunk for a lot of those.” Jeff admits.
Sumo laughs, bumping their noses together, Jeff's heart skips. “Yeah, I could tell.”
“But I do.” Jeff blurts out before he can second guess himself.
“Yeah?” He asks, soft and nervous, warm breath across his face.
Jeff can only manage to nod but it seems to be enough, Sumo's smile shines out of him and Jeff swears he can feel the warmth on his skin.
-
After:
The only sound is their heavy breathes, anxiety hasn't crept back in yet so they're just basking in the afterglow.
"It wasn't the first draft of that letter.” Sumo breaks the silence. “I've been rewriting it since I was thirteen."
Jeff’s heart skips. Thirteen? They could have had so much more time. "And you never considered telling me in person and skipping all this bullshit?"
Sumo hides his face in the pillow. "Ugh. Scary. Whatever."
"I'm sorry I forgot you're emotionally constipated because of your upbringing."
"Can we not talk about my upbringing after sex? Please?" He peaks up at him with a face that says 'duh'.
Jeff grins. "Sorry."
“Besides, you still haven't even said it.”
Jeff feels his face go red, god had he really not? “I do.”
“Say it then, pussy.” Sumo props himself up on his arms above Jeff. Stupid astronaut stamina and recovery time.
“Or what?” He's not sure why he's fighting, just a bone deep instinct to slap fight that he’s only ever had with Sumo.
Sumo grins, in an instant he's up on his knees, fingers digging into Jeff's ribs in a way that makes him screech like a barn owl.
How does he remember exactly where to get him? Rat bastard.
He squeals and shrieks, arms curled up to protect his pits, he writhes helplessly, barely able to catch his breath. Fight, flight, freeze, fawn.
Apparently his body picks fight, human instincts taking over he slams his knee into Sumo's stomach, years of tickle fights kicking into high gear in him.
He shouldn't be as satisfied as he is at Sumo's grunt, it's not nearly as bad as it would be if he didn't have a stupid six pack.
He takes advantage of his moment, jamming his fingers into the divots at Sumo's hips, something's never change and Sumo howls
“You!” Sumo shrieks. “You kicked me!”
Jeff has had other partners over the years, other friends, but something about knowing a guy in your formative years really does something to you. “You started it!”
He tickles him unless Sumo is gasping and begging against his neck.
“Jeff!” He manages to get out between choked off gasping laughs. It’s so hot.
Jeff tickles him until Sumo begs him to stop, which, yes, is also hot.
“Woah dude, are you hard?” Sumo asks as soon as he gets a breath, propped up on his elbows and looking down pointently.
Jeff feels caught. “Uhh-”
“Can I suck it? Please?” Sumo almost sounds like he’s begging.
Jeff's ears ring, he nods frantically.
-
After, again:
Jeff buries his face in Sumo’s neck, wonders how he ever thought he knew what safety felt like before this. “I love you.”
Sumo’s grip tightens, holding him like they could meld into one if they just tried hard enough. “I love you too, dweeb.”