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Mitsuru sat perched on her favorite couch in the lounge, balancing a novel in her left hand. It was a surprisingly quiet evening– Akihiko was training in his room, and her four Kouhai were studying for upcoming exams. (well, three of them were.) Aside from reprimanding Iori’s subpar discipline, the crimson-haired senior hadn’t seen much of anyone all night.
Of course, this was a good thing– It was important for everyone to keep up with their studies. But ever since a particularly nasty incident in Tartarus a week ago, Mitsuru has been worried. Though perhaps that word choice was an understatement.
They had all gone to the tower as per usual, and Shiomi had selected her for that night’s exploration team, alongside Takeba and Akihiko. It was a team the younger girl seemed to favor, and Mitsuru couldn’t help feeling prideful in being one of her default choices. The four of them headed to the teleporter, and things proceeded as usual.
Until they veered as far away from routine as possible.
As the team proceeded up a floor, there was a sudden flash of light, and Mitsuru opened her eyes to find herself alone in the winding hallways. Fuuka only confirmed what she suspected– they had been separated.
Finding each other again wasn’t difficult, but they– but Mitsuru– allowed herself to be distracted when they reunited. Thanks to her negligence, the party was attacked by a powerful shadow unprepared. Kotone was as confident as ever. “Alright, this one’s weak to Garu.” She turned to face Takeba with a smirk. “Think you can knock it down for us, Yuka?”
Her oversight was Takeba’s health. While the four were separated, the archer had faced a gaggle of enemies using Zio attacks, and she was already worn down from it. Here was Kotone Shiomi’s fatal flaw when it came to leading the group; She was far too comfortable in battles, causing her to undermine risks. Mitsuru could see her thought process– get the battle over with quickly, and patch everyone up afterwards. But this mistake led to the other girl getting seriously injured.
Ultimately, all ended well. Takeba was revived with ease, and the enemy was vanquished. But since then, Kotone’s demeanor felt off.
Mitsuru may have been worrying over nothing, seeing threats that weren’t there. But she couldn’t help herself when she saw the strained smile the girl had been wearing as of late. After all, Mitsuru had been the one to pick her. As the head of S.E.E.S., it was her responsibility to support Kotone when she was clearly in distress.
Mitsuru closed her book with a snap. She couldn’t focus on anything else tonight. She’d have to confront Kotone about it, lest they both be burdened. As experience proved, a sharp focus was required for battle. She rose to her feet, turning to leave the room, when she came face-to-face with just the girl she wanted to see.
As if summoned, Kotone Shiomi stood before her, arms crossed across her chest, with a slightly startled look in her eyes.
“M-Mitsuru-senpai…! Is something the matter?” The girl stammered.
“Ah…” Well, yes, but Kotone looked frazzled herself. Judging by her appearance– auburn hair loose and in her face, dark bags under her eyes, wearing a long-sleeved yellow sweater and shorts– she had rolled right out of bed for some reason. It must be urgent.
Mitsuru shook her head. “That’s… not important right now. Do you need something?”
“Right, uh…” Kotone looked to the side sheepishly. “Do you know if we keep… bandages around the dorm?”
“You’re hurt?” she blurted. It came out less refined than she intended. When did that happen? Surely she wouldn’t hide an injury she got in battle, right?
“Well, yes, but…! It’s really not that bad, so-”
Mitsuru shook her head. “Nonsense. Show me the wound.”
Panic dashed across the girl’s face for a second before she could correct it, fixing her features into a slightly exasperated smile.
“Senpai, It’s really not that serious! I just accidentally re-opened something from a shadow the other day, It’s really nothing to worry about!” Kotone emphasized her point by gesturing with her left hand, though Mitsuru noticed the right arm stayed folded across her torso.
She tried to soften her tone. Scolding would only make her more defensive.
“...If it was from a shadow, then… I’d really like to see it. Something could be preventing it from healing properly.”
“Senpai, It’s fine.” Kotone huffed. “You worry too much, y’know?” She tried for an easy-going smile that didn’t reach her scarlet eyes. She must’ve seen on Mitsuru’s face how unconvincing this act was, and slowly, she let the smile deflate. “Listen, I- I’ll just head back to my room. I can stop by the pharmacy later.”
Kotone averted her gaze and turned to leave the room. Mitsuru watched for a second, trying to think of what to say that would convince her to stay, when something caught her eye. Kotone had relaxed her arms, revealing a bright red mark on the front of her sweater. Blood.
Panic spiked through Mitsuru’s nerves, and without a second thought she reached out and grabbed the other girl’s wrist. To her shock, Kotone flinched, inhaling sharply in pain.
Mitsuru gasped. Why? Why did Kotone feel the need to hide something serious like this?
Looking down at Kotone’s arm, Mitsuru could see more blood seeping through her sleeve. More than she expected. Somehow, she tore her eyes away from the gruesome state of her friend’s sweater to look at her face.
Kotone wouldn’t meet her gaze. She looked down, and even with her hair in the way, Mitsuru could still see her expression. Ashamed, scared, almost. Why? In Tartarus, Kotone would hold off on letting anyone heal her ‘till the battle ended, sure, but she was never ashamed of getting hurt. It just wasn’t as high of a priority. Like Akihiko. Surely, Takeba wouldn’t let her walk away with a wound like this. Did she… do this herself? Mitsuru couldn’t put any of her writhing emotions into words now. She took a deep breath.
“...I’ll get the first aid kit, and head to the command room.” Mitsuru didn’t need to verbalize what was mutually understood. You’re going to wait there for me. When she let go of Kotone, the girl hesitated, looking her in the eyes for a second, before dashing to the stairs, fleeing like a rabbit.
Mitsuru clenched her teeth, crossing her arms and digging her fingernails into her skin. She drew in a breath, and released it, along with the rest of the tension in her body. I need to help her. But how? She thought bitterly. Mitsuru Kirijo was a brilliant person, capable of keeping S.E.E.S. running whether they had two members or ten on top of being the student council president, among many other things. Her most glaring weakness was situations like this. She couldn’t soothe someone, or talk them town from an edge. She was reminded of when Shinjiro stopped coming to school. To think her first instinct was to lecture him…!
Mitsuru sighed. Kotone was harming herself and all she could do was panic over her own mistakes. For Kotone’s sake, she would do her best. Approaching the situation clumsily was better than ignoring it, after all, especially considering that she didn’t know if anyone else was aware of this. With another grounding breath, Mitsuru made her way to the kitchen to find the first aid kit.
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Naturally, Mitsuru picked the Command room for the lack of cameras. When she eased the door open and stepped into the room, the first thing she noticed was the low lighting. Kotone must’ve shut off the overhead light, leaving the glow of the computer to illuminate the room. As she approached the plush furniture sitting in the middle, she saw Kotone, looking smaller and sadder than she’d ever seen her, sitting in the armchair at the head of the table. She was hunched over, with her arms crossed and resting against her legs. She didn’t seem to notice Mitsuru’s presence yet, and really, it didn’t seem like she was looking at anything at all. Mitsuru had never seen S.E.E.S’s field commander look so… distraught? …No, that wasn’t the word. She looked like a puppet whose strings had snapped.
How to approach this… There was a conversation that needed to be had, obviously. But for now Mitsuru’s top priority was taking care of any open wounds. She made her way across the room, setting the first aid kit on the table and popping it open. She pulled out the gauze, the roll of elastic bandages, and the antiseptic. A glance at Kotone showed no change in her demeanor, so Mitsuru, trying to gently get her attention, walked around the length of the table and kneeled by the chair. Still nothing. Mitsuru wondered how often this happened, and how nobody had noticed yet. After a second of consideration, she placed a hand– ice cold since awakening her persona– on the other girl’s knee. Kotone gasped, eyes flicking to meet Mitsuru’s.
“There you are.” Mitsuru murmured. “I… know you don’t want me to, but I’m going to have to see the damage.” Was that too stern? “...I’ll take care of you.”
“...You don’t have to.” Kotone replied. “I’m sorry. I- I should’ve known better. You shouldn’t have to deal with this.” Mitsuru must’ve looked dumbfounded, because the girl gave a dry chuckle. “... and for the record, senpai, It’s not like I want to die, or anything. You don’t have to worry about me.”
“I…” What the hell? How was she NOT supposed to worry when Kotone spoke like that!? She shook her head. “You’re… no. I want to deal with this. Please.” after a moment’s consideration, Kotone nodded ever so slightly. “...Okay. Just… Please, don’t tell anyone.”
“Of course not.” Mitsuru assured, finding herself back on her feet to grab the medical supplies from the other end of the table. As she made her way briskly back to Kotone, she noticed the girl had been watching.
“Where do we keep all that anyways?” She asked. “I already tried here, and the bathrooms…”
“...Secret.” Mitsuru replied, sitting at the edge of the table. This way, she was directly in front of Kotone, who rolled her eyes. “I guess that’s fair.” she said with a sigh. Mitsuru waited a beat. Kotone knew what she wanted, but didn’t expect her senpai’s next move. Mitsuru took Kotone’s right hand in her own.
“Is it okay if I…?”
Kotone nodded, though dread snaked its way through her blood. She tensed up as Mitsuru, with her other hand, took the edge of Kotone’s sleeve and slowly pulled the fabric up to her elbow. She wanted to escape. Mitsuru’s expression was about what she could’ve guessed- a little shocked, pitying. Guilt stabbed into her like a million tiny needles. How could she be so selfish? Mitsuru had more than enough to worry about already, and now this? So much for being the dependable one. Kotone tore her gaze away, focusing instead on her own nails digging into the chair cushion. She could feel Mitsuru’s icy fingers ghosting along her skin, silently tracing the cuts. She stopped part way.
“This one’s deep.” She noted, voice a little hoarse.
“...I know.” Kotone mumbled in reply. “It’ll heal all the same.”
Silence. Kotone risked a glance at her superior, only for their eyes to meet. She was used to Mitsuru’s expression defaulting to a serious, clinical look. Even in the heat of battle, she had a certain composure. All sharp edges, that Kirijo-senpai. So to see her now, wearing an expression of anguish, was…
“Why…? You said you didn’t want to die.” She sounded miserable. What kind of friend was Kotone, to do this to her? She dropped her gaze again, looking instead at the dusty fabric of the chair. She really didn’t know how to verbalize something like this. Kotone wasn’t a girl who talked about her own struggles. Being forced out in the open like this wouldn’t change that.
…At the same time, if she didn’t reply, she was just burdening her senpai even further. The thought of dragging someone down with… This…
She would try. If only for Mitsuru’s sake.
Kotone took a deep breath in, releasing it slowly. As she attempted to gather her thoughts, Mitsuru let go of her hand to pick up the antiseptic and a gauze pad. Popping the cap open, she held the gauze to the opening and flipped it upside down for a second, getting just the right amount of the chemical seep in. Thanks to years of dealing with Akihiko’s recklessness, dressing wounds was muscle memory for her.
Before anything else, Mitsuru looked back to Kotone. She seemed busy thinking, else lost in her own head again, so she drummed her fingertips along her kouhai’s hand to catch her attention. “This will sting.” She warned. Kotone nodded. With her left hand, Mitsuru held up Kotone’s arm- gently as not to harm her any further, but enough to keep it steady. In the right was the gauze, with which she gently dabbed at the cuts. The pain, paired with the sound of fizzing, seemed to have a grounding affect, and Kotone started to speak.
“I don’t really… remember when I started doing this. Sometime in middle school.” She started, watching Mitsuru work. “I don’t know. I was… lonely, and didn’t have a way to let out all the stress, I guess.”
Mitsuru paused, looking back up to Kotone. “You didn’t have any friends? That’s a surprise.”
“Oh, no. I did.” Kotone smiled sadly. “None of them noticed… I- I think my idea was, that if someone were to see this, they’d see… something was wrong?” she chuckled. “...It was selfish. And now, this is just a part of me.”
Mitsuru squeezed her hand– trying to be comforting while not interrupting. That earned her another empty little laugh. “Hey, don’t be like that. I know you’re worried, but I don’t need pity. It’s nothing more than what I deserve.”
The last bit was said as if repeated- the intonation like quoting a poem, or a teacher. Mitsuru’s heart ached. How long has she been telling herself that? It was appalling that the girl sitting in front of her could think of herself in this way. That she hadn’t noticed Kotone was like this underneath the happy-go-lucky facade. The mask itself wasn’t hard to identify, but Mitsuru… she hadn’t tried to see what was beneath that, had she? “You can’t mean that. You’re nothing but a positive influence in our lives!” Blinking back tears, She set down the gauze and picked up a half- empty tube of Orinine, twisting the cap off between her thumb and forefinger. She didn’t want to let go of Kotone right now.
As she was applying the ointment, Kotone continued. “...No. I’m not.” she dug her nails into her thigh. “I hurt Yukari. I know you remember it. Because I’m the leader, I-”
“Stop. please.” Mitsuru said. Abandoning the ointment on the table, she caught Kotone’s other hand, smoothing her fingers back out. “Yukari-san was injured in battle, sure, but even the strongest leaders can have lapses in judgement. It doesn’t make you irredeemable!” she cried. “How many times have both of you caught me making a mistake? Do you resent me for it?”
“...No. Of course I don’t.” That, she sounded certain of. Mitsuru squeezed her hand.
“Is Yukari-san upset with you?” she asked, entwining Kotone’s fingers with her own. Kotone scrunched up her face. “...she isn’t.” The smaller girl trembled. Was she crying? Mitsuru surprised herself by automatically reaching up, brushing away a stray tear with her thumb. “...There. Nobody is angry. Don’t punish yourself for it.” She murmured. “You won’t do anyone a favor by suffering in silence.” Kotone nodded, curling in on herself. “Now, I’m going to get back to taking care of these. But, if there’s anything more you want to say, I… I’m listening.”
Mitsuru proceeded with the Orinine, and swapped it for the roll of bandages. Beyond Mitsuru requesting to be let known if they were too tight, neither of them spoke very much, but the silence felt more comfortable now. Less tense. Kotone seemed to have calmed down, and she could feel her crimson eyes watching as she wound the bandages around her wrist. When she finished, she set the medical supplies aside, and clutched Kotone’s hand between both of her own. Neither of them could meet the other’s gaze.
“...I know you wanted to keep this a secret, but I’m glad that I know,” Mitsuru started. “And, furthermore, the next time you feel the need to… hurt yourself again, then please. Seek me out instead. Talk to me.” She swallowed. “Kotone… I don’t want you to feel alone.”
“Even if it’s the middle of the night, and you’re trying to sleep?” The younger girl humored.
“Yes. It doesn’t matter what time it is.”
Kotone looked down at their hands, and back up to meet Mitsuru’s eyes. “…Okay. I’ll keep that in mind, Mitsuru.” she said. “...Thank you.”