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"What's this?"
Remus turns to see Sirius holding his old stuffed bear Ralph in his hands, tilting his head to the side as the bear's floppy head droops. He's bigger than the average stuffed bear, and older, patched in places, rips stitched with care in others. Remus' heart leaps to his throat, shame burning through him. He's eleven years old—far too old to be toting around a stuffed animal, but he couldn't leave him behind. Even if he just stayed tucked in his trunk all year, at least Ralph was there; at least Remus wasn't completely alone.
Sirius raises an imperial eyebrow at the bear, then looks at Remus. "Is this a toy?"
Fully expecting Sirius to tease him, he feels a bit tripped up about the knees at the question. "Surely you've seen a teddy bear before?"
Biting down on his bottom lip, Sirius deigns not to answer and returns his gaze to Ralph. "It's soft."
"He." Remus could kick himself.
Sirius hesitates, then amends, "He's soft."
Hedging a little closer to the posh boy, Remus tentatively reaches out and rescues Ralph from his hold, tucking him to his chest and wrapping his arms around him protectively. "He's older than I am."
"Why do you have him? What does he do?" Sirius asks, looking genuinely curious.
"Nothing. I mean—I guess he's comforting. Someone I can talk to that doesn't talk back; who holds my secrets for me."
"Have a lot of those, do you?" Sirius asks with a small teasing smile, and Remus flinches, tucking his face against Ralph's head. When Remus looks up again, he sees Sirius watching him, eyes soft and a wistful look on his face. "I wasn't really allowed toys, 'specially not ones without purpose."
Remus feels a little pang of sympathy for the posh boy who looks like he hasn't seen the sun in years. "Well, if you ever need someone to talk to, Ralph's a good listener."
With a soft huff, Sirius' mouth twitches. It must be the right thing to say, because he takes a seat at the foot of Remus' bed and begins to ask questions about his scruffy, mundane things as Remus continues to unpack. Sirius' own trunk, Remus has noticed, has remained firmly closed.
In the morning, at breakfast, Sirius receives a letter from a terrifying and regal eagle owl that pecks at Sirius' hand the minute he reaches for it with trembling fingers. Before the mail, he'd been laughing with James about something, giggling over some mischief they'd already caused. Remus tries to keep his head down and his focus on his potatoes, but there's a void of sound to his right where Sirius is sitting once he's opened the letter, and a stillness that he didn't expect.
When he glances over, Sirius' gleaming eyes are dull, his face somehow paler, his mouth a firm line. He folds the parchment and stuffs it inside his robes, and when he looks up their eyes meet.
"What?" Sirius snaps. "Mind your business, Lupin."
Ducking his head, Remus mutters an apology and keeps his eyes on his plate for the remainder of breakfast.
"Here."
Remus jumps as a bar of Honeydukes chocolate is tossed into his lap, Sirius sliding onto the foot of his bed a moment later, arms folded and eyebrows rising imperiously. Remus reaches for it, then sees that one of his bandages has unraveled beneath his sleeve from when he'd been worrying at it and hides his wrist instead, tucking it to his belly beneath his covers. He straightens up slowly, trying not to wince in the ache in his spine, but he must not succeed because Sirius' hardened expression melts.
"Sorry. Let me." Sirius picks up the chocolate, unwrapping it with careful fingers, breaking off a piece and holding it out for Remus to take.
Classes must have let out for the day, though Sirius is the only other one in the room; Pomfrey had ordered him strictly to go back to his dorm and rest until dinner; a rule he hadn't meant to follow but as soon as he'd arrived his bed looked so comfortable and he was just so tired. He blinks at the chocolate, at the softness in Sirius' grey eyes that remind Remus of starlight, and reaches out his other hand, taking it and nibbling on it.
"Thanks," Remus says, swallowing the last of it and licking the bit that had melted off his fingers. Sirius breaks off another piece, handing it off, and watches Remus with a look of gentle affection Remus isn't sure what to do with. Sirius isn't gentle—he's all hard edges and explosive and if you get too close he has the tendency to bite. But then he does things like this and it's so confusing. Far too confusing for a twelve-year-old.
Sirius, thirteen for all of two months, who has the tendency to lord it over their heads, tilts his head to the side, holding out the next piece for Remus to take. "Was it a bad moon?"
A surge of terror seizes Remus' heart, his breath stopping in his lungs. He sits up too fast, his back protesting and a wave of dizziness sending the earth spinning. Gripping the bed, he makes a small noise. Deflect.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Remus says, proud his voice doesn't waver.
Sirius rolls his eyes, wiggling the chocolate in Remus' face. It's melting over his fingers, but Sirius doesn't seem to care. "Look, it might have taken me over a year to figure it out but I'm not stupid, Remus."
Stupid is the last thing Remus would ever accuse Sirius of being, but he'd hoped that he'd been too mundane, too out of the way to be bothered with. Of course, of course it was a mistake to have friends. He should have just kept himself hidden, been more boring, whatever he had to do. Instead Sirius had come to him with polite curiosity about his things and his books and his—everything—and Remus had been so elated. Stupid. He was stupid.
"I won't tell anyone," Sirius says, but Remus barely hears him.
"What do you think you know?" Remus asks, curling his arms around his legs. When he refuses to take the chocolate offering still held out between them, Sirius stuffs it in his own mouth, sticking his fingers in his mouth to suck the melted chocolate off his skin and making Remus' stomach do a weird swoopy thing.
"You're a werewolf, obviously," Sirius conversationally, like he's not pulling Remus' entire world apart with each syllable.
"'Obviously'?" Remus repeats voicelessly, searching Sirius' eyes for any hint of disgust or horror.
Sirius raises his eyebrows again, a smirk on his face. "I'm right, aren't I?"
With a ragged inhale, Remus descends into panic, throwing the covers off himself and swinging his legs over the edge. He clenches his jaw around the pain and starts picking up his things, beginning with Ralph, gripping him by one soft furry arm and meaning to toss him in his trunk.
"What are you doing?" Sirius asks, lunging for and grabbing Ralph before Remus can, swiping the bear right out of Remus' trembling grasp.
Remus can't look Sirius in the eyes, just busies himself with the next thing his hands can grab: his stack of books on his nightstand. "I'm packing."
"What, why?" Sirius' voice is sharp and loud, and Remus flinches, the sound making tears well in his eyes.
"The rules were clear, Sirius," Remus says, more harshly than intended because Sirius reels back, arms wrapping around Ralph. Remus wipes his eyes with the heel of his hand and a frustrated noise. "No one can know or I have to leave."
Sirius' breath hitches, and he vaults off Remus' bed, attempting to yank the next thing Remus tosses toward his trunk out of the air and hold that too—a knit jumper that he also hugs to his chest. "No, no no no. You can't—I won't tell anyone Remus, I swear it."
Remus jerks his head. "Doesn't matter. It'll come out anyway. If you figured it out already then it's just a matter of time."
He goes to pick up his records and has to stop, back twinging so hard he can hardly bend over without going weak at the knees. Sirius grips Remus by the arms, gently pushing him back to sit on the bed and pooling his bear and his jumper in his lap.
"I'll take an unbreakable vow if I have to," Sirius says in a rush, holding Remus by the shoulders firmly. Remus twitches, fully expecting Sirius to yank them away, to wipe his hands like he's disgusting, anything. "You don't have to go. You can obliviate me if you want."
With a harsh laugh, Remus shakes his head. "I don't know how to obliviate."
"I'll do it to myself, then," Sirius says dismissively, and that makes Remus lift his gaze to meet Sirius' eyes, finding nothing but sincerity and desperation there.
"You'd probably knock all your memories out of your head," Remus says.
"Good riddance," Sirius shrugs a shoulder with a small quirk of a smile. "Don't like most of them anyway."
That pulls a small, genuine laugh from Remus. "You're crazy."
Sirius nods. "Yep. Born and raised." He sits next to Remus, patting Remus' messed up bed until he finds the remains of the chocolate bar. "Now get back into bed you dolt, and let me feed you the rest of this."
Remus' heart swoops, releasing a choked off sound, and does as he's bid, hugging Ralph to his chest.
"Moony!"
The hissed nickname sounds to Remus' right, somewhere behind the nearest shelf of books. Remus' head shoots up and he squints at them, certain that the only people who call him that have recently been banned from the library for the week for misbehavior, despite their loud protests. Remus mouth firms up to keep it from twitching into a smile, and he gets up, leaving his homework and bag and sidling over to the side of the shelves closest to him, pulling out a book.
Familiar grey eyes greet him on the other side of the shelf, between the crack created by their books, sparkling with intent. As soon as Sirius lays eyes on Remus, a real, excited smile crawls across his face. "Come with me."
"You're going to get caught," Remus warns, glancing around for Madam Pince or other Prefects. It's always quiet in Remus' back corner though, which is why he likes it.
"Eh," Sirius shrugs, smile turning devilish. "What's she going to do, make me put books away?"
"Just don't knock over all the shelves again." Rolling his eyes, Remus packs up his things, throwing his bag over his shoulder and scooting to the far side of the shelves, away from Pince's eagle eyes.
Sirius grabs Remus' hand with a flash of a smile—god, and if that doesn't make Remus' heart swoop—pulling him along through the stacks and overcrowded shelves until they get to the stretch of emptiness before the door.
"Did you bring the cloak?" Remus asks, staring dubiously at the door, so close yet so far.
"Nope," Sirius says, popping the 'p'. He pulls his wand out of his sleeve and flicks his wrist wordlessly, sending a flurry of shadowy birds toward Pince's desk. She exclaims in alarm and Sirius grabs Remus again, dashing for the door. They collapse on the other side of the corridor as soon as they're out scot free, giggling.
"You've gotten better at that," Remus comments, gaze flicking to Sirius' wand. "Wordless magic."
Sirius hums, shrugging a shoulder. A shadow passes over his face, but it quickly scatters, and Sirius grins at him. "Follow me, Moonpie. I want to show you something."
Always helpless in the face of those eyes, Remus follows Sirius outside into the damp late October weather, wet ground squelching under their shoes as Sirius pulls him to the edge of the Black Lake until the castle is just out of sight. Craning his neck, Sirius glances around them, then turns back to Remus with a brilliant smile.
"The others will kill me for showing you early, but I can't wait," Sirius says, holding Remus' biceps and gesturing for him to stay where he is, taking a couple steps back.
"What are you—" Remus' voice trails off when Sirius disappears in front of him and a massive black dog stands in his place, shaggy tailed and pointy eared and gorgeous. "W-what. I—what?"
Remus takes a step back, and as he does his heel loses traction in the mud, sliding out from under him. He goes down in a heap, slamming his sore hip into the ground with a choked off noise. The dog—no—Sirius—is on him in a moment, whining and nuzzling his face.
"I'm fine," Remus grouses, burying his hands in the coarse long fur and pushing him back. Sirius licks his face all over until Remus pushes him, then he hops off him and transforms back, doubled over with laughter.
"Fuck, sorry Moons," Sirius gasps around his giggles, reaching out a hand to help him up. "I just wanted to surprise you."
"Yeah, well. Mission successful." Remus huffs, taking his hand. With a mischievous grin, he yanks, overbalancing Sirius and pulling him down into the mud with him. Sirius goes with a yelp, stumbling over Remus' body and crashing to his side.
"You fuck—" Sirius gasps pushing himself up and throwing himself on top of Remus, striding his hips and pushing him down into the mud as Remus laughs in unrepentant glee, staring up at Sirius with his wild hair and wicked smile and the stripe of mud over his cheek. It's unfair how good he looks even with mud slicked through his hair and coating his robes, how nice it feels to be beneath his body and—ah, shit.
Remus shifts beneath Sirius, laughter fading as he stares up at him, all the blood in his body rushing south as his fifteen-year-old body reacts way too fast to the position.
"You—an animagus, really?" Remus asks, breathless.
Sirius hums, sitting back and scrubbing his fingers through his hair, trying to shake mud out of it and just making it worse. Remus' mouth twitches as a bit sticks up, heart giving a twist as his inconvenient crush flares its head.
"Surprise!" Sirius says, breathless, waving his fingers and flicking mud everywhere. "You'll never have to be alone during fulls again."
An unexplainable, overwhelming emotion wells in Remus' chest, sending a warmth that feels like gold through him from his fingers to his toes, making his tongue tingle and his eyes sting. "Are you serious?"
Sirius grins, eyes sparkling. Remus groans, rolling his eyes at the unspoken joke. "Fuck off. I can't believe—what the hell—James and Pete?"
"Yeah," Sirius says, actually preening. "But you'll have to wait to see what they are. I'm not ruining their surprise. I'm the best one though."
"Hm," Remus narrows his eyes. "You could get hurt."
With a shake of his head, Sirius leans back on his haunches, fingers playing with the flaps of Remus' robes. "Nope. You said yourself, the wolf could care less about other animals. If you can make friends with rabbits you can make friends with us."
Vision blurring, Remus blinks rapidly, shaking his head to get the tears out of them. It's no use, they stream down his cheeks, and he makes a soft, pathetic sound.
"Moons?" Sirius' voice is worried over him. "Fuck, are you okay? Am I hurting you?"
He makes a motion to get off him but Remus grips his sleeve, keeping him in place. "No," Remus chokes out. "You're not hurting me, Sirius. You're—I can't believe—why?"
He blinks the tears out of his eyes just in time to see Sirius tilt his head to the side in a very dog-like gesture, a smile curling over his lips. "Because you're our Moony, of course. There's nothing I—um, we—wouldn't do for you."
With a breathless laugh, Remus reaches up, cradling Sirius' face in his hands, wincing a little when he streaks mud over his pale skin. It doesn't stop him from holding him, thumbs brushing over his high cheekbones. Sirius makes a small noise, eyes fluttering closed. At once, Remus is terrified of the over-large feeling welling in him all twisting together in a soup of so much love, disbelief, joy, and far too much arousal at having a best friend on top of you than is respectable. He shifts beneath Sirius' hips, freezing when his erection brushes against Sirius' crotch.
They both inhale sharply, and Sirius' pupils dilate before Remus' eyes, cheeks flushing. Sirius bites down hard on his bottom lip, hands fisting in Remus' uniform.
"I, um." Sirius' shifts on top of him. He inhales sharply, eyes closing for a moment before he opens them again, mouth set into a determined line. "I have something else to tell you, Moons."
Remus licks his lips, gaze flicking down to his mouth and then back up to his face. "Yeah?"
With a swallow, Sirius nods, tilting his face until his mouth is pressing into Remus' palm. "Yeah. I—"
"There you gits are!!" James' loud voice shatters the moment. Remus gasps, thrashing beneath Sirius and throwing him off him.
Sirius goes with a loud yelp, crashing into the mud at Remus' side for the second time. Remus scrambles to his feet, chest heaving. He stares down at Sirius, eyes wide and fear clamping down over his throat. He releases a strangled noise, taking a few steps back.
"I—sorry—I—" Remus shudders, their safe little bubble bursting and sending the world crashing back down over his shoulders. He can't do this, not to Sirius, not to anyone. He tears his gaze away from Sirius, turning on his heel and grabbing the bag he'd dropped on the ground, fleeing without looking back and ignoring Sirius' 'wait!'. He breezes by James, who shouts after him, and then takes off over the open ground as fast as his broken body can take him.
"I told you not to come."
Remus has back to the door where he can hear the familiar click of nails on the rough floorboards of the shack. The building creaks around them from the wind, howling through a cracked window somewhere. He aches all over, from joints to bones to heart, and he closes his eyes when there's a soft, canine whine behind him.
He turns, mouth set, to see Padfoot on his belly on the floor in the doorway, head low and ears back. He looks skinnier than the last time he'd seen him, his sleek coat duller. His grey eyes are large, pleading, and when their eyes meet his tail gives a hopeful wag. It sends a wave of frustration and fury through him.
Remus whips off his jumper and chucks it at him with a canine-like snarl. Padfoot leaps up, dodging it with a startled yelp that makes Remus' heart clench even more. "Leave, Sirius," Remus growls, fists clenching. "I don't want to see you."
Padfoot releases a high keening noise, the heart-wrenching sound only a crying dog can make. Remus blinks back tears, a knot in his throat. The moon is rising, Remus can feel the shift beginning, his joints locking up. He still has to finish undressing or he's going to shred his favorite joggers.
"You can't manipulate me into letting you stay," Remus snaps. "Fuck off, Sirius. You should have thought about how much fun you have during moons before you broke all your promises."
Pain is shooting up his spine now, his fingers starting to go numb. Sirius is still in the fucking room. Truly how dare he come up here as Padfoot and pull at his heartstrings after building him up and giving him hope—hope he could be a person to someone—only to put him in his place and remind him of what he's always known: he's a monster, and always will be.
"Leave," Remus orders, pointing to the door, meeting Sirius' eyes and holding the gaze until Sirius droops and begins to slink toward the door, looking back on the threshold. "Now."
It's a terrible moon; the worst in half a year. The wolf doesn't understand where his pack is or why he's trapped in the shack again, and takes it out on their body, shredding his underbelly with his claws so badly Remus nearly bleeds out before Madam Pomfrey finds him, holding his guts in with his bare hands. He's bedridden for the longest two weeks of his life, unable to move for fear of ripping open the tender wounds.
James and Peter visit, shooting the shit and making him laugh, cheering him up with their antics, but he still feels a void in his chest, a cavernous thing that's worse in the mornings, the scent of Sirius' specific cologne, cigarette smoke, and a bit of wet dog still in the air. He wakes to a lingering warmth on the skin of his hand and a bar of chocolate on the nightstand, tucked next to his glass of water and the pain potion he's supposed to take if he wakes during the night.
He isn't dismissed until the morning they leave for summer break, and even then he's on strict bed rest when he gets home. He's so fucking lucky that O.W.Ls happened before the moon or he'd have missed them altogether.
He's packing, bones creaking and muscles straining, when he realizes with a start that Ralph isn't tucked in the bottom of his trunk like he has been for the last few years. Remus' heart sinks, wondering where he might have gone, feeling the loss of the old bear harder than he should. He releases a wet breath, blinking hard to keep tears from his eyes, then sets his school books inside and slams the trunk closed, getting to his feet with a groan.
The door opens behind him and he glances toward it, expecting James or Peter. His throat closes up when he sees Sirius frozen in the doorway, one hand still on the doorknob. He looks like a wreck, paler than usual with heavy bags under his eyes, his normally shiny hair dull, just like his canine form.
"Oh," Sirius gasps in surprise, dropping his gaze to the floor immediately. "Sorry, I didn't realize—I thought you were still—" he makes to leave and close the door.
Remus clears his throat, jerking his head. "It's your dorm too."
Sirius laughs, a thick, hoarse sound, and enters tentatively, padding silently past Remus to his trunk, shoulders raised over his ears. Remus watches him rifle around a moment, tossing things into it unceremoniously with a carelessness only a rich bastard could have. It's quiet save for the rustling, and it's not long before Remus can't stand it, heading for the bathroom.
"M-Remus?" Sirius calls, voice soft and unsure in a way Remus has never heard it. Remus tenses, turning toward Sirius, and he inhales sharply at the wave of anger when he sees Sirius cradling Ralph in his arms. He opens his mouth to snap, or perhaps yell, but then Sirius jerks his head in a nod. "I know, I'm sorry. I have no right, I just—he's a good listener. Here."
He sets Ralph carefully on the top of Remus' trunk and steps back, wringing his fingers together. Remus stares at the bear, gritting his teeth. The last time Remus had looked at Ralph he'd had a little hole in his foot, stuffing poking out of it, and the bow tie on his neck had been faded. Now, the tear has been repaired and it looks like he's been given a new tie. He even looks a little more vibrant than before. Remus feels a sudden surge of jealousy over the bear, wishing Sirius had taken even a fraction as much care with him.
"Keep him," Remus says, clenching his jaw. "I'm sure you'll need someone to talk to this summer that's not batshit crazy."
Sirius releases a wet, bitter laugh, shaking his head. "If someone finds him…"
Remus shrugs a shoulder. "You'll keep him safe."
He retreats to the bathroom, and by the time he's out, Sirius is gone, and so Ralph.
"Effie'll kill you if she catches you smoking out here."
Remus doesn't twitch from his spot on the Potter steps, taking a slow draw from his cigarette, exhaling slowly and watching the smoke disappear up into the night air, eyes catching on the bright stars beyond. Sirius sits down next to him a moment later, keeping just enough distance so they don't touch. He's still moving slowly, wincing as his movements jostle his still healing ribs.
"So'll James, but that's never stopped us before," Remus says, glancing at Sirius.
He takes in the still healing bruise on his cheek, the split bottom lip, the way his once long hair curls over the tips of his ears, windswept and messy in an artful way that James could never manage. From what Remus has picked out of what happened, Walburga had petrified him the moment they got home, lobbing off his hair until it was as short and respectable as Regulus'. Sirius was tight lipped about the rest of summer, but James had said he'd heard nothing from him until he turned up half-dead on their front stoop with just his wand and the clothes on his back.
Remus and Sirius haven't been on speaking terms, but the moment he received James' panicked note he'd tossed himself through the floo to the Potter's anyway, hardly able to leave Sirius' side as he twitched and whimpered his way through nightmares and pain and who knew what else. He'd woken just that afternoon, gasping and jerking upright as though he'd been under water, and tore a bunch of Mrs. Potter's stitches thrashing around.
"Should you even be up?" Remus asks, but holds out his cigarette anyway.
Sirius stares at it for a moment too long, long enough for Remus to begin to draw it back, and then he reaches out with trembling fingers and takes it carefully, lifting it to his lips.
"I'm going to go crazy if I have to sit in bed any longer," Sirius grumbles, exhaling and handing it back. They pass it between them until it's gone, and then Sirius vanishes the butt wandlessly and wordlessly. A surge of jealousy rushes through Remus.
"Showoff," he mutters.
Mouth twitching on one side, Sirius twitches. "Wally took my wand and kept silencing me. Had to figure it out."
Stomach twisting, Remus looks at him, taking in the bags beneath his eyes, the ashy pallor of his skin, the way his eyes don't seem to stop moving, twitching at every little sound. There's a tremor to his hands he can't seem to help, and while Remus hasn't seen his back, he did see the way blood soaked through his shirt. A wave of guilt shoots through Remus, and he redirects his gaze to the stars, swallowing the lump in his throat.
It's quiet and still, a cool breeze caressing Remus' skin despite it being late July, and it feels thick and weighty with unspoken words between them.
"Remus?" Sirius breaks, voice far too hesitant.
"Mm?" Remus looks back at him, taking in the set of his mouth, the way he wrings bruised wrists.
"I'm sorry."
Remus stares at him, fingers twitching with the urge to dig out another cigarette. He stays quiet, waiting to see if Sirius will say anything else.
"For everything. I know it doesn't mean anything, but I really am sorry, and I miss you so fucking much. All the time, and I know it's not fair of me and I don't deserve to but I just—" his voice cracks and breaks, releasing a small noise. "Could you ever forgive me?"
No matter how angry Remus is at Sirius, he also can't see himself without him. The last few months have been torture for him too, a cavern in his chest that Sirius is supposed to fill. When he received James' letter all thoughts had flown out of Remus' head aside from making sure Sirius was alright, forgetting everything else in an instant.
Remus gently nudges their knees together with a small smile. "All is forgiven, Padfoot."
"Oh, I—don't. I, um." Sirius swallows, scrubbing a hand through his hair, dragging his nails through the short back of it. There's a long pause, and then Sirius sags, voice thick when he confesses softly, "I lost Ralph."
Of all the things Remus expected him to say, that sends him so off-kilter that giddiness swells in him and he breaks into laughter—real, true laughter that reminds him of muddy fall days and sneaking out of libraries and pranks and Sirius' hand warm in his.
He reaches between them, gently twining their fingers together, watching Sirius to make sure he doesn't twitch or bite; Sirius stares instead, eyes wide and biting his lip. A burst of bravery has Remus lifting Sirius' knuckles to his mouth, and he presses a kiss to his cold digits.
"Guess you'll just have to tell me your secrets instead, then."