Chapter Text
Spamton was going to stay as the Dealmakers forever.
After his latest adventure with the $!$? Squad, he was never turning back into a puppet. Hearing his ex partn- cohost! Hearing his old, outdated cohost calling out for him, only to not recognize the puppet and call him a…… Well it left him wishing he could turn into a lifeless stone statue like the pointy-head boy had, but he’ll take being a pair of bicolored glasses instead. At least that made him invaluable to the Lightners as their most powerful ITEM in the INVENTORY, and that was the best deal he was gonna get.
Currently, Spamton was resting on the dresser of Kris’s blue bedroom. They had carelessly thrown most of their inventory in the closet, but that little sponge had known he was special and placed him on the dresser! Truly Spamton had known Kris was too smart to fall for the false advertising that CRT spewed. Just another reason to help them achieve FREEDOM, to become a BIGSHOT!!! But until he was needed, Spamton was perfectly content counting the stars on the wall for the 42nd time in a row.
He was about to begin the 43rd star count, when the door slammed open. The sudden noise had Spamton launching himself in the air out of surprise and clattering back on the dresser, upside down but facing the door. There was just enough time to see a clownish figure in the doorway before it was zipping over, picking up the glasses, and screeching, “PUPPET! COME OUT AND PLAY, PLAY!!!” juggling the Dealmakers with the energy of a sugar filled toddler. Heaven help him, the last person Spamton wanted to see now was Jevil. The damn clown was supposed to be with the fluffy boy, why was he here?! Spamton unfortunately knew way too well that ignoring the clown would only make things worse. The torment would never stop until Jevil got what he wanted. Reluctantly, Spamton returned to his puppet form in Jevil’s hands, waited a moment for the world to stop spinning, then shouted, “WOULD U [Cease and Desist!]!!!” The clown’s smile stretched and he jovially shouts, “WE’LL PLAY GAMES! GAMES!” before he tossed a disoriented Spamton over his shoulder and ran out the door.
Jevil twisted around the corridor with ease despite Spamton’s glitched thrashing. When they passed through the castle’s giant entrance, Spamton felt Jevil start to go even faster. The puppet struggled enough to turn and look over his shoulder to see where the speed demon was going. Fury turned into horror, as he saw the top of the castle’s staircase rapidly approaching. Spamton felt a glitch shudder through his entire system right as Jevil leaped from the top step. Spamton screeched and Jevil cackled as they defied gravity for a moment before it began to pull them back down. The puppet’s glasses slid off his face, but he was just barely able to catch them in his fist while airborne. Blurrily seeing the ground approaching, Spamton shuts his eyes and clenches the Dealmakers tightly, expecting to splat on contact. However, he felt them bounce of the ground like a toy ball and continue to bounce away. The puppet opened his eyes and could barely make out that Jevil was merrily skipping away with his captive still on his shoulder.
Without his glasses on, the world around Spamton passes in a bouncing blur. Since seeing where the cackling clown was prancing to was useless, he chooses to put full focus on screaming and trying to kick Jevil in the head. Just as he aimed the perfect kick to knock the grin off that clown’s face, Jevil abruptly drops him face down on a padded floor. “WE HAVE ARRIVED! LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!”
Spamton flips over, slaps the Dealmakers back on, and prepares to launch a few choice Word Bullets into the clown’s face, when he hears a raspy voice.
“Oh my! What an entrance.”
Realizing they aren’t alone, Spamton whips around to see an old raggedy cat holding a deck of cards in their stuffed paws, sitting at a table set for three. There is a teacup and a dark candy placed in front of each seat. “It looks like I was right to prepare for more players,” they softly say, just barely heard over the cards they began to shuffle. “Would you sit down then and play a round with us?”
Now that he can look around, Spamton notices he is in the dimly-lit backroom of a store. He swivels his head around to see shelves lining the patchwork walls, filled with dusty books, glowing candles, useless knick knacks, and admittedly useful healing items. There is a curtain instead of a door separating the front of the store from the back (there must be no doors otherwise Jevil would have taken the opportunity to slam them earlier). That wasn’t good for security, any old virus could come in and mess with the wares. In fact, this entire store could use some updates so it didn’t look so old and stitched together. Spamton was just opening his mouth to offer much needed advice (and wares) when Jevil bounced past him to sit at the table.
“DO NOT BE COWARDLY PUPPET, LET US PLAY PLAY!”
“I DO NUT PLA Y [Game Night] W1TH [Cheatcodes For All Your Games] LIEK U.”
“BOO HOO, BOO HOO, THE PUPPET IS NO FUN.”
“EXCUUSE YOU [Clown Around Town], IM [Fun For All Ages!]. THE L1GHTNERS WILL BE N33DING ME FOR THEIR NEXT ! ! [[BIG]] ADV3NTURE!”
“Now, now you two,” interrupts the cat. They are no longer shuffling the cards, now beginning to deal them out face down at each of the three seats. “ While it is true you are valuable to that little trio,” Spamton puffs up in recognition, “But it will be some time before they return, why not play a round or two?”
Well, that is true, Spamton thought. Even though the time between the lightners’ adventures in Cybercity and TV World was short, he felt that it was caused by special circumstances rather than being the norm. That and he got the impression that the kids needed time to recover from seeing…… From seeing how much of an incredible asset Spamton was to their team. Right! Its not as if the $!$? Squad could forget or leave him behind! They needed the Dealmaker to make the big bucks from battles and more importantly reduce all cat attacks by 40%. That was integral. Plus, the lightners would want to bring Jevil for some reason as well. Worst case scenario, they get distracted playing cards and the lightners will have to look for them both for a bit.
With that in mind, Spamton marches up to the table swiping up his cards so no grinning clowns or one-eyed cats can see them.
“ALRIGHT! LETS GO LETS GO [Play The Ponies]!”
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After several rounds of playing cards with a clown and a raggedy cat, Spamton was about to lose it. He had not won a single game. By now at least one of his fool-proof cheats strategies would have worked by now despite Spamton not knowing what they are playing. They have to be cheating, there's no other explanation. He doesn’t know Seam that well, he only just found out their name today when the cat left to speak with a customer (frustratingly, peeking at his cards when they left hadn’t helped Spamton win). The only other thing Spamton had figured out about them was that the cat has more than enough magic to put Jevil in his place and an expert at cards. So Seam could be using magic to win but glancing into the elderly cat’s empty eye socket and all-seeing button, Spamton feels like making that claim would not end well. Jevil, on the other hand, he knew that psycho was cheating. Clearly up to something by the way he was grinning.
Another round ended, with Spamton losing once again and he could feel himself turning red and vibrating with small glitches. Just as he was about to snatch all the cards and start a new card game called 52 Card Pickup, Seam began to speak.
“You should not feel too badly for losing, after all Jevil and I are from Card Castle. We have had a lot more experience with these games than most,” the cat attempted to soothe.
“ GEEEEEEEE. I HADNT [Get A Slimmer Figure] TH4T [OUT],” he gritted out. Of course two magic users from Card Flippin Castle would be experts at every game of cards. Hearing Jevil giggling, Spamton snaps his head to glare at him better. Jevil’s giggling only turns into roaring laughter when Spamton flings the last card he had hid up his sleeve, only for it to graze a bell on the clown’s cap. Without dropping his glare at the devil, Spamton shakily grasps for the remaining cards on the table only to grab his empty tea cup. He turns back to the table in frustration, just to see Seam has swept the cards away and was putting them back into their little box. Smart.
“OF COARSE, [[SCAMMERS]] L1KE U 2 WOULD NOT NOT [Talk About These Deals!] UNTIL TIL THE [Free Games!] WAS OVER.”
Spamton could barely get the words out without blowing up. In fact, he was done entirely. Spamton shot up and began stomping towards the curtain that would lead him away from this torture and back to Kris’s room so he could begin counting the wall stars again. He’d only really seen Castle Town once since coming from CyberCity, having received a tour on top of Kris’s head. It’s not like it’d be hard to find his way back though, look for the giant castle and go through every room until he found Kris’s. If he took a few souvenirs to lighten his mood, who cares? If they missed whatever he took so much, then Spamton could sell it back to them. The thought of potential customers alone was already making him feel better. He’d made it about halfway to the exit curtain before Seam continued speaking.
“Well isn’t that funny, you sound just like those colorful little advertisements that came in earlier.”
Spamton stops moving. His body begins to vibrate and heat up once more. How dare they. How dare this raggedy cat bring THEM up. He snaps his head around, body still facing the curtain to his freedom.
“DONOTDONOTNOT [DARE To Resist Drugs] TO COMPARE-PARE-PAIR-[Brand New Pair Of Shoes!] M3 TO THOSE [[SLIMES]] THOSE [[TRAITOROUS SLIMES]]!!11?!!! WE-WE-WE- I. AM. NOTHING. LIKE THEM AT-AT-AT-AT-” Spamton jerks the rest of his body around to physically slam his jaw shut. He holds it for a minute, before opening to finish.
“I. AM. NOTHING. LIKE. THEM. AT. ALL. DO. NOT. TALK. ABOUT. THEM.”
Panting, he turns to leave just as Seam speaks again, “Of course not, I only brought them up because they kept losing so terribly.”
Spamton pauses, his anger vanishing.
“THEY DID? OF COARSE THEY DID! TH3Y ARE TERRIBLY AT [Everything 20% OFF!] HAEAHAEAHAEAHAEAH!!”
“Hee hee. Yes but unlike you they did not lose their temper, they just couldn’t stop adding to the pot trying to win.”
Choosing to ignore the first part, Spamton latches onto the second. “NO! NO! THEY DID KNOT [Lets Go Gambling!] WITH U!?!! HAEAHAEAHAEAHAEAH!!!!” His plastic grin has never felt bigger. Maybe the old fluffball isn’t that bad. Exit fully forgotten, Spamton scampers back to his seat to listen. “WHAT DID THEY LOSE?!!1$! [Please Update]!!1!!”
Seam grinned mischievously throughout the tale Seam told of those pathetic Addisons trying and failing~ to win Seam’s little Sheap, betting everything they had in their store, to then betting their store, to betting the clothes on their backs! The desperate fools! Spamton couldn’t remember a time he had felt this happy and had HAEHAE’d at many points in Seam’s story. The fact that Seam gave everything back didn’t dampen his good mood as he imagined his sib- those Addisons’ faces as they were about to lose it all. Nothing could ruin that for Spamton!
“Actually that reminds me,” Seam interrupts his own story by getting up and strolling over to a box on one of the lower shelves. “One of those colorful little Ads forgot to take this with them when they left.” He pulls out a plain black sweater from the box and turns back to Spamton. Holding out the sweater, “I was hoping you would be a dear and return this to them.”
“NO.”
“Oh come now-”
“[@#$%] NO.”
“Not even a short visit?”
“I SAY [@#$%] NO [Raggedy Ann]!1!!!”
Its not as if the thought of visiting them again hadn’t occurred to him. When Spamton had officially joined the Lightners, he let himself toy with the idea of confronting the Addisons. Finally being able to rub it in their faces that he’d truly made it BIG. BIGGER than any Darkner could dream of because he, Spamton G Spamton was working WITH the Lightners instead of begging for their attention like everyone else. But after TV World….. after…..what is that some kind of creature…. events, Spamton felt nauseous at the notion. The puppet was aware how... different he looked now, but he had always believed that it was temporary. That it would all be fixed once he had the power of NEO. So Spamton focused on making back alley deals and breaking into the manor to seek his salvation. He never thought that he’d miss how Swatch and his Swatchlings were too polite to insult Spamton’s new and unimproved body.
Spamton turns away from Seam, suddenly not being able to stand the cat’s one eye staring at him. He tries to find something at the wall of goods and trinkets to focus on so he can finish this conversation. His eyes skip over to Jevil who had begun screwing around with something on Seam’s top shelves since storytime. The second they make eye contact Spamton looks down, and unfortunately his eyes lock onto a small mirror.
The puppet’s dark hair is a mess, sticking up untameably in a few places and his white roots were beginning to peak out. His skin was bleach white and sickly looking, which made his jarringly red cheeks stick out even more. The glasses he wore covered his eyes but did nothing for the forever uncanny and unmoving smile right below them. And ….. his jaw. The second his eyes landed on it, Spamton wrenched himself away from the mirror. But just a glance was enough to make it ache and his stomach flip. It was the worst part of him and he could do nothing about it.
Spamton could cover his eyes with his glasses, he could put makeup on to color in his face, and he could add more garbage gel to his hair to slick it back and turn it black. But his jaw….. There was nothing that could be done about it. All of his best features had been exaggerated until they were his worst. Until Spamton himself was unmarketable.
“....I CANNOT [Specil Debut] LOOKING [Like This Article?].”
“Ah so it is your appearance that troubles you...” Seam drawls, rubbing (petting?) their chin. Spamton answers by shutting his jaw with a loud CLACK!
“THEY HAV NOT [See These Deals?] ME SINCE MY [[BIG SHOT]] DAYS. THOSE [Slimes] W1LL 1LL EITHER NOT [Recognize These Brands?] OR [Have The Whole Family Laughing].” He huffed, crossing his arms over his chest despite his stiff joints.
“Well if thats all that is stopping you, then I may have a way to fix that.”
Spamton’s head swivels back to glare at the ragged doll, “IF YOU ARE ABOUT TO [Suggestions] A [[MASK]]. SHUT. UP.”
“Not at all little puppet, I was merely going to offer a little spell.”
“………..[Click here for more information]?”
“If you are willing to make a short delivery trip for me and return this,” Seam holds out the sweater with one paw, “then I can temporarily change your appearance back to, how did you say it? Big short? No that was not it. Ah, your Big Shot days.” Seam shakes his empty paw with a little jazz as he finishes speaking.
Ignoring Jevil up top now cackling “BIGSHORT! BIGSHORT!” Spamton swivels the rest of his body to face Seam again.“CAN YOU YOU CAN MAKE ME A [Real Boy]?!?”
“Temporarily.”
“REALLY? THERES [No Strings Attached?] FOR [Real Deals!]??? ILL BEE A [[REAL BOY]]?!?!!!”
“Temporarily a “real boy.” They add, making air quotations with their paws.
While the “temporarily” put a damper on the offer, the chance to go back to what he was before was too good to pass up. Spamton scrambles back to the table and leaping onto it. He raises his plastic arms up.
“ALR1GHT!!! HIT IT D0LL LETS [[ACT NOW!]] MAK3 ME A [[REAL BOY]]!!@!1!”
“Spamton get off my table.”
The puppet flips off the table, landing on his feet with his plastic arms raised in the same pose.
“GIMM3 [[Transform Your Body!]] !!1!!12!
Seam chuckles, shaking their head as they round the table. The raggedy cat holds out their paw, humming a little tune as purple glittering magic begins to gather at their fingertips. Spamton starts to wonder how long its going to take as his raised arms begin to strain, creaking at the joints. Just as his plastic arms start to shake, purple magic bursts from Seam’s paw, bathing the dim room with blinding light. Spamton moves to cover his eyes and cringe away just as the magician hurls the magic towards the puppet. An eruption of purple sparkles surround Spamton, most of the blinding light partially blocked out by his segmented hands.
The sparkles dissipate, but Spamton didn’t feel any different. He looked up and realized he had turned away from Seam and now faced the mirror again. But the face of a puppet wasn’t there looking back at him. Spamton blinked as the Big Shot in the mirror blinked and stared back at him in awe.
His hair was black, sleek, and shiny as if he had just put his expensive hair gel through it. His cheeks were a rosy red, soft and smooth flesh were stiff plastic had once been. The Dealmakers remained over his eyes, but his eyes looked just as good as they had been back in the day. Spamton shifted his eyes down to look at the part of his face below them.
His jaw hung open but not the way the puppet body had done, unhinged and barely hanging on by invisible strings. Spamton’s jaw was seamlessly connected to the rest of his face and his mouth- his mouth! He had a mouth! His gaping, toothy smile was gone and Spamton had lips opened in awe and he could just barely see the teeth hidden behind him! Spamton slowly, reverently reached up to touch his cheek where his jaw had once been barely attached-
Only to recoil, his hand feeling the hard plastic hinge of his jaw. Spamton watched as the Big Shot in the mirror flinched and his lips shut in a grimace, at the same time he felt his jaw clench shut mechanically and his teeth loudly clack as the plastic harshly met.
“WHY DO I [Feel The Summer Sun]-” he cuts off. His voice hadn’t changed either. Spamton turns his head slightly to look at Seam for an answer.
“Oh, I’ve spent many years perfecting my illusions, but at the end of the day…. That is all they are, mere tricks for the eyes.” they softly explain.
“AH.” So this was all he’d get. “WELL, EVEN 1F ITS NOT [Get The Complete Set!] [Audio Compenents], THE [High-Definition] SURE IS SUMTHING!” he tacks on cheerily. Turning fully back to the mirror, he tries to move his face as if the muscles were still there. Despite his real face remaining rigid underneath, the Big Shot in the mirror was actually expressing the smile. A real award winning smile. One that could stretch into his cheeks, crinkle his eyes and charm everyone around. The puppet tries for a frown, and for the first time in years, the corners of his lips bend downward. It's almost overwhelming, but the puppet refuses to stop and turn away from the mirror. He attempts to take the Dealmakers off to get a better look at his face, only to be reminded by his blurry vision that he still needed them. Despite this, Spamton tries a few more expressions, restraining himself from touching his face this time, not wanting to ruin the illusion again.
“Spamton.”
“HM?”
“This spell will only last an hour.”
“OH”
“......Spamton.”
“YEAH?”
“Spamton you have been staring in the mirror for over ten minutes.”
“OH [#%&@]!!!1!!”
As Spamton turns to bolt out the shop, Jevil leaps down and lands in front of him. He forcefully shoves something in his “new” hands.
“WHUT TH3 HE-“
“YOU NEED SOMETHING TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE TIME, TIME!!!!”
Spamton hastily shoves whatever it was into his pocket and scrambles past the grinning jester. He hears Jevil cackle out a “BYE-BYE!” as Spamton scampers off into the night to sell his greatest scam yet.