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Today, Felix, Hyunjin and Changbin had gone to film a dance challenge with this newer group called XLOV. Felix hadn't heard of them prior to finding out they were filming together, but he really enjoyed working with the newer groups, he always felt it helped them improve and develop seeing how unique and diverse the groups were. And XLOV were definitely a unique group, with their genderless concept. Felix really enjoyed working with them, and seeing how they didn't let the harsh gender binary of K-pop confine them, with their songs, dances and visuals toeing the line between masculine and feminine. The idea that there was now a group out there that felt they could do that, could push the boundaries and break through the barriers was honestly inspiring. Felix was appreciative of them, since they were a new level of representation for K-pop fans, helping more people feel seen. He hoped that Stray Kids was that for that for their Stays.
Despite this feeling of appreciation and joy at seeing a group expressing themselves to their fullest, Felix couldn't shake a slight tightness in his stomach that hadn't left since they'd left XLOV for their next commitments. He couldn't figure out what was causing this feeling, he really only had admiration for XLOV, so it wasn't any sort of hatred or anything like that. Maybe it was some level of jealousy for the freedom their concept afforded them. Felix did enjoy going for a more androgynous look, but their concept didn't always allow for that, that might be what it is. But even that didn't seem to cover the extent of his feelings. Was there something else that came up whilst they were working together that could have brought on these feelings. They hadn't really spoken much, just got on with learning the dances each group had prepared to do together. They'd all greeted each other, and then gotten straight into it. That hadn't left much room for anything else, so, whilst they were courteous, they didn't really speak much other than helping each other with the dance. He really couldn't place his feelings.
"Felix," someone called from outside his door, knocking as they did, pulling Felix from his thoughts.
"Come in," Felix sat up, watching as Chan walked, closing the door behind him.
"How was the dance challenge filming today?" Chan came and sat next to him on his bed "Changbin said you seemed to enjoy yourself."
"Yeah, it was quite fun trying their style of dance, since theirs felt closer to a girl group dance, but not quite." Felix had really enjoyed working with the groups choreo, it wasn't too hard, but not too simple, with a lot of finer details involved in it. He quite liked getting to do a dance that allowed him to focus on the details.
" From the stuff I've seen of their performances, you got the easy part."
"Really?"
"Yeah, did you not look at some of their performances before going to work with them," Chan sounded surprised, which was probably fair since they were all usually quite good at looking into the new groups they work with.
"I was going to do it last night, but I kinda just crashed once I finished my day," Felix did feel a bit embarrassed about this, but he really had just gotten back and immediately fallen asleep.
"Well, better late than never, and their stuff is pretty cool anyway," Chan said as he got up to leave.
"I will," Felix was already getting out his phone to look them up, "Night Chan."
"Night."
Once Chan had left, Felix turned his attention to his phone, and pulled up YouTube, searching XLOV. The first video that came up what their music video for Rizz, the song they had done today for the challenge. He clicked on it, the opening showed what looked to be an abandoned amusement park, before cutting to a shot of a place that looked familiar. After a second Felix recognised it as the location of their first music video. A wave of nostalgia crashed over his body, remembering the stress he went through at the time, now knowing how far he's come.
He continued watching, the video starting with a very impressive move from all of the group, but especially Rui, who did a back bend before dropping into the splits along with the rest of the group. He was happy they didn't do that part, Chan was right, they did get an easy section. Watching the video, he noticed how individualised each of the members styles were, with their levels of femininity and masculinity varying between each of their looks, in a way that Felix hadn't really seen done before. Noticing this tightened the feeling in he stomach more. He still couldn't figure out why, but he continued watching.
After he had finished watching the music video, he decided to watch some more videos of XLOV. He started with their music videos and dance practices, and XLOV's style enthralled him, leading to him seeking more content of them, so he started watching some of their interviews. He found one were Wumuti spoke about how he will dress how he wants when he wants to and will present how he wants to. This, for some reason, really hit Felix. He wanted to hear more about it. So he continued watching stuff about them. As he went through he saw a the members were often referred to using a range of pronouns, which lead him to finding multiple things of each of the members saying they were okay with it. Their open expression of their gender made Felix very happy, he enjoyed seeing people be able to live as their true selves, but the tightness persisted.
At one point he found a video made by a fan, talking about how he would fit in so well with XLOV's image. Felix's heart brightened at this notion, enjoying the idea of being able to play with a more gender neutral image in a way that wasn't so limited by Stray Kids' style. That made him feel a bit bad, he shouldn't begrudge his group, but sometimes the limited freedom they got made Felix feel less like himself. Maybe he should explore more styles at some point. Maybe tomorrow, he had a free day. Yes, he'd do that, tomorrow.
The next day Felix woke up, excited to experiment with his look a bit more. He started with his makeup, trying to use it to give himself a softer, more feminine look, and added some glitter too, inspired the almost angelic looks XLOV went for sometimes. Once he was done, he took a minute to look over the work he'd done. He loved it. Honestly he looked almost like a woman with this style of makeup, but with a hint more androgyny. This only spurred him on to try a different outfit.
His wardrobe was, however, lacking slightly in more feminine clothes, as the women's clothes he wore where usually loans from various companies. But he tried his best to fashion an outfit he though XLOV might wear. He found a skirt he must have accidentally taken from an outfit a while back, along with some ripped jeans to pair them with, and a top that he felt he could sacrifice to make a cropped top out of. He quickly pulled the outfit on looking forward to seeing how it would come together. He hoped it would work as well as the makeup did for him.
Once he had the outfit on, he hesitated to look in the mirror, the tightness from the day before coming back. What if he just looked how he normally did. What if he didn't like it, and he had gotten dressed like this for nothing. Gotten his hopes up for nothing. But eventually he did look in the mirror, and he loved it. The way the skirt contrasted with the more masculine jeans, the way the cropped top accentuated his waist in a way that felt inherently feminine. He loved that the makeup moved the look even further away from the more masculine style Felix was used to seeing himself in. The tightness released, and it felt like he was starting to see his true self, like this was him. He couldn't look away, letting himself take in the full look, letting himself take in all the feelings he had about it. He felt free. But there was still an underlying tightness in his stomach, almost as if he hadn't quite figured out his true self, but this felt pretty right, so what could it be.
"Felix." Someone knocked at his door. Someone needed him, and he was stood there in makeup and a skirt. He didn't want anyone to see him like this, not before he could talk to someone about it, and the tightness in his stomach.
"I'm busy, what do you want," He shouted back, whilst trying to extricate himself from the skirt and shove a jumper over the cropped top. He hoped they wouldn't try and barge in, but you never knew with his group.
"We all are always, so, unless you're doing something I don't want to see, I'm going to come in." It was Chan, he would probably go away if Felix properly asked, but Felix didn't want to worry him. So he really needed to figure out where the hell he'd put his makeup remover.
"Give me like 2 minutes," Felix called back, for once hoping it would give Chan the wrong impression, and afford him the extra time to sort himself out. He found some old makeup wipes, that would hopefully do.
"Felix, whatever you're doing can't be that bad if you only need 2 minute, I'm coming in." So Chan walked in whilst Felix was halfway through removing his makeup, luckily Felix had had enough space of mind to turn to face away from the door, "Felix removing makeup is not a real reason to not let me in."
"I know, it was just… really bad." Felix quickly tried to wipe the last of the makeup off before turning to face Chan. "So, what did you want?" In lieu of a response, Chan just stared at him. "What?"
"Felix, do you have glitter on your face?" Chan walked toward him and swiped his finger over Felix's face and pulled it back to examine it, "It is glitter."
"Uhmm." Felix couldn't think of a suitable response to this, what was he supposed to say, 'Oh you know the group that we did a dance challenge with yesterday, apparently they awakened something in me, so I decided I needed glitter on my face and a skirt on my waist'. Whilst Felix fumbled for an answer, Chan decided it was now time to look around Felix's room. This would mean he'd probably spot the skirt he's discarded in the corner behind the door, in hopes that they wouldn't be spending much time in his room.
"Felix where did you get a skirt from?"
"I'm not sure?" He didn't sound all that sure, despite him actually not knowing when he got a skirt. Maybe it was the anticipation of what the following question would be.
"Okay…" Chan looked like he was trying to formulate his next sentence with the precision required to do brain surgery. "Why is it currently in the corner of your room?"
"Because that's where I put it."
"Right. Why did you put it there?"
"Because I haven't put it away yet."
Chan takes a moment to process this, once again, clearly carefully formulating a response. "Felix, were you wearing the skirt?"
Felix didn't answer, not really seeing a way out of this one.
"Is that why you didn't want me to come in?"
Felix still didn't say anything.
"Felix, please, say something."
"I…" Felix couldn't quite get it out of his mouth. He couldn't quite get himself to admit it. Seeing his hesitation, Chan decided to snake his arms around Felix, pulling him into a hug. He melted instantly in Chan's arms. He felt like he was in the safest space he could be in that moment.
"Felix I don't care if you were wearing a skirt," Chan whispered where his face was in Felix's hair. Felix pulled him closer, letting himself find a home in the crook of the other man's neck.
"It's not just a skirt." Felix said quietly, hoping Chan wouldn't hear, so he wouldn't have to face him. He hadn't quite figured this out himself yet.
"Do you want to tell me about it then?" Chan let Felix stay against him, not forcing him to do anything.
"I'm not really sure what else past that point," Felix mumbled into Chan, "other than the skirt felt like me."
"That's okay." Chan pulled him in closer. "Can I ask, what made you want to try on the skirt?"
"I thought the style of the group we worked with earlier, XLOV, would work well for me too, so tried it," Felix responded, "and apparently it worked too well." For some reason this made him want to cry harder.
"Felix, you're allowed to like the skirt, clothes aren't limited by gender, you're allowed to wear what you want," Chan comforted him, "well, the company may have something to say about it, but that's their problem."
"Chan," Felix's mouth started to speak before his brain caught up to what he was saying, "What if its not just the skirts that I like?"
"What do you mean?" Chan finally pulled him back, trying make eye contact, but Felix resolutely avoided his eyes, "Felix, is there something else to this?"
"No, I don't think so, but when I saw myself in the skirt, and the makeup, it felt right, but there was a slight tightness in my stomach, which I also felt when I watched XLOV's videos. I don't know why, but it still felt like something was missing, like I hadn't quite figured out what this meant to me." Felix rambled, letting the words just fall out of his mouth, hoping maybe speaking it out loud would help. "I felt more myself, but it was like I hadn't fully grasped what that version of me is, and how to express it."
"Do you think its just about the clothes, or more about how you see yourself?" Chan asked, trying to lead Felix in a hopefully more constructive direction.
"I don't know Chan, and its kind of scaring me, that it feels like I can't figure out this part of myself, when its part of me. Shouldn't I know what I am, shouldn't I be able to figure this out for myself?" Felix hadn't really thought that hard about all of this prior to this conversation, and now he was seemingly having a full on crisis over it. At least he had Chan for it, because he was an incredibly comforting presence.
"No one is born knowing everything about themselves, and maybe this is something you don't have the words to describe yet." Chan pulled him back in, holding him close and tight. "Maybe talking to the XLOV members would help, since they started this. If not that entirely, then I have a feeling they'd be more actual help than me right now, since this isn't really an area I have experience in."
"That may help," Felix liked having a possible direction to look in.
"I can get their contact sent to you."
"Thank you, Chan."
"Any time, Felix"
Later that day, Felix got a notification on his phone. It was from Chan.
Chan
Here's XLOV's contact, I'm fairly certain it goes to their leader Wumuti.
Along with that he sent the contact. Just looking at it gave him some level of anxiety, most likely from the idea of possibly finding out answers that he may not want. But he opened a chat with the new contact.
Felix
Hey, this is Felix from Stray Kids, is this Wumuti
As soon as he hit send, he felt a wave of nausea wash over him. How was he even going to start this conversation, what should he even ask? He hadn't thought this far ahead.
Wumuti
Hi Felix, this is Wumuti
I want to say, thank you for filming with us yesterday
Felix
Well, thank you for inviting us, I really enjoyed it
Wumuti
That's good to hear, we're always worried other idols won't enjoy it, especially with our unique concept
Felix
On the topic of your concept, can i ask you a question
Wumuti
Go ahead
Felix took a second to compose himself, and really think about how he was going to ask this question.
Felix
Why do you have a genderless concept
Wumuti
Would you like the PR answer or the real reason
Felix
Both, i guess
Wumuti
Officially, it about creating a unique group that isn't confined by boundaries, which is obviously part of it, but also none of us sit within the usual spectrum of people found in the K-pop industry
Felix
How so
Wumuti
I'm only to speak for myself here, because it is better you hear each member's reasoning from them
But I am queer both in terms of sexuality and gender, so the genderless concept was a way for me to express myself whilst still getting to be an idol and perform
Felix
What do you mean queer in terms of gender
Wumuti
For me it means I don't like the idea of conforming to a specific gender identity or gender expression, but the term gender queer means different things for everyone
Felix
That's cool
Wumuti
I know
Can i ask why are you asking me these things
Felix
It's kind of a lot
Wumuti
That's okay, I still want to know
Felix
Okay
After yesterday's dance challenge, I had this weird feeling, so i looked into you guys more, and really enjoyed the concept and styles you guys played with, so i decided to give it a try, and then kinda had a panic about if, because it felt so right, but it also felt like i missing something in the equation, like i needed to do something else, but i couldn't figure it out. So Chan suggested you might be of help
Wumuti
I see
Now i don't want to overstep, but this sounds quite similar to when i figured out i was gender queer, so maybe you should look into other gender identities
Felix
Maybe i should, thanks
Wumuti
You're welcome
You're also welcome to talk to me any time, about this or anything else
Felix
Thank you
Now Felix had something else to think about. Maybe the part he was missing was his gender, which could make sense. He had never really felt that attached to being man, so maybe, but then how was that going to work with being an idol. He didn't have a nice genderless group to work with, he was in Stray Kids, which, whilst quite accepting, isn't exactly known for their more gender neutral looks. Okay, one problem at a time, first, Felix needed to figure out how he actually felt about gender.
He started just by simply searching, gender queer, which brought up a website that simply described it as a label for anyone who felt they experienced gender in a way outside of the gender binary. That made sense. It also felt quite close to how Felix felt, with his lack of connection to being a man, but he also didn't feel that connected with womanhood either, but also enjoyed exploring both, and anything in between. Yeah it felt right, but he could probably do with looking into it a bit further. So he continued onward, coming across the idea of pronouns. Obviously he knew what pronouns were, but the idea of getting to choose which ones felt right was a foreign concept to him. He hadn't really thought about that as an option. He could just pick what felt right. He could pick pronouns that felt like him. Well maybe not him then. Her? Them? Did he have to chose just one. They all felt like some level of correct.
So he googled again. 'Can you use multiple pronouns?' The answer was yes, you can. That was good, he didn't have to choose. He could literally use any of them he wanted too. They really could be as fluid with their gender expression as she wanted to be, he wasn't limited by any sort of binary. They weren't stuck in one box. He could be a man one day, and not the next. He wondered how far his gender would slide on the spectrum. They didn't think they would ever reach fully woman, but she could definitely see themself getting quite close. But she/her still felt good. Was that okay? According to the website he was looking at currently pronouns don't equate to gender. He could use pronouns however they wished without it affecting her gender. This felt right. He felt free. The tightness in their stomach finally loosened, they felt comfortable with their identity. Now she just had to tell people.
Felix knew he had to tell someone about their revelation, but she didn't really know where to start. She would definitely need to tell his group, it would start to get uncomfortable if they only saw them as a man. But most of them had also grown up in Korea, a place not exactly known for being accepting of people outside of the binary. Now he was sure they would all still love him, but they couldn't help the rise in anxiety at the thought that they may not. That he may not be able to stay in the group because the others would be too uncomfortable.
Maybe he should just start with one person. Then they'd have him for moral support when he told the others. But who should he tell? They could really only see themself telling Chan first, in part because he wasn't raised in Korea, so wasn't raised in that more unaccepting environment, but also because he already somewhat knew about what was happening. Chan was a safe choice, and Felix always felt comfortable with him. So now all he had to do was tell Chan that they were not a man, and then tell everyone else. That wasn't daunting at all. They just had to think about telling Chan first, then he could worry about everyone else. Do it little by little. One step at a time.
The next day, Felix tried to find a time to speak to Chan, but he always seemed to be doing something. First he was in a dance practice (to be fair to him, it was a group dance practice), then he had vocal lessons, and then he was working on songs with Changbin and Jisung. It also didn't help that, whilst trying to find time to talk to Chan, Felix also had his own schedule to contend with, which was just as packed. Felix felt like they were going to burst with anxiety and anticipation if they didn't get to talk to Chan soon. He was just buzzing with all the residual energy, so they decided to try and work some of it off with some dancing before they tried to find Chan again.
Initially, he worked on some of their own dances, trying to perfect them, but they quickly grew restless with the familiarity of the dances. She moved on to trying to find another groups dance to try and learn, eventually settling on Rizz, XLOV's song. It was a good mix of difficulty, and would hopefully be challenging enough for Felix to be satisfied with their work. They started, watching their dance practice, taking in all the small details, getting a feel for the flow of the choreography. Eventually he stood up and started methodically working through the moves, putting their everything into it, making sure every detail of it was correct.
They became so engrossed in the dance that they didn't notice the extra person entering the room. He only figured out there was someone there when she made eye contact with them through the mirror. Suddenly locking eyes with someone else startled him so much he nearly fell out of the move they were still doing. They quickly came to a stop.
"Don't stop just because I showed up, you were doing well," Minho said, walking further into the room.
"I thought you had left." Felix paused the song.
"I was going to, but I decided my time was better spent annoying Jisung," Minho smiled, "It was."
"I'm sure he loved that." Felix sat down, leaning against the mirror, and Minho joined them.
"He did, Chan and Changbin not so much." Minho chuckled, "So what dance were you just doing, because its not one of ours."
"It's the dance for this song, Rizz."
"Is it a girl group dance?"
"Not really, its by the group XLOV, they have a genderless concept, but their choreos do tend to lean slightly more feminine."
"That makes sense, you seemed to be enjoying dancing it."
"Yeah, it was fun to try a different style to what we normally do, and their choreo was a good challenge for me, with the difficulty level, and the different style. It was fun."
Minho hummed in acknowledgement, seemingly feeling content with the information he had gotten out of Felix.
"I know you've been trying to talk to Chan all day, so I actually came here to tell you that Jisung and Changbin have left him alone in the studio."
"What?" Felix exclaimed in surprise, sometimes they forget how observant Minho can be. "Uh, thank you, I'll go see him then, thanks."
"Goodbye Yongbok." Minho called after Felix as he left.
He hurried toward the studio, worried that maybe Chan would leave before he got there. This was highly unlikely, Felix had never known Chan to leave this early, but it would be just their luck that the one day she wanted to catch him, he would have left before he got to talk to him.
Once they made to the door of the studio, they felt a new wave of anxiety crash over him. They just stood there, trying to decide if going in was actually a good idea. I mean, what if Chan didn't accept him, what if this was the end of Stray Kids for Felix. So he kind of just stood there, facing the door. It was like they were waiting for something to happen to them. Felix just couldn't move no matter how much he willed herself to. The sudden anxiety had frozen them.
"Whoever's hovering outside the door, either come in, or go away, it's distracting," Chan called from inside. This broke Felix from his thoughts and gave him the momentum to open up the door. "Oh Felix, whats up?"
"Can we talk?" Felix asked, then regretted it, because it now felt like he was about to tell Chan that he had gotten them pregnant or something. It caused Chan to adopt his serious face. Maybe it was the correct face for the conversation, but it just made Felix feel more anxious.
"Sure, what about?" Chan asked, his serious face persisting.
"Do you remember yesterday?" Felix really hadn't thought out how he wanted to have this conversation, despite it being all they had thought about for the past day.
"With the skirt?"
"Yeah, and you gave me Wumuti's contact," Chan nodded, "Well I spoke to Wumuti, and that resulted in some googling, and I found the missing piece. I'm not a man."
"Oh," Chan somehow seemed both surprised and also not by this announcement.
"Yeah, I'm not quite sure where I fall on the spectrum of gender, but I just know I'm not really a man, and I'm not really a woman, I'm somewhere in between, but that place in between is fluid."
"Okay, thank you for telling me," Chan hugged Felix, "So what does this change?"
"Well, I use all pronouns interchangeably with more of an emphasis on they and he, but that's it really."
"So no new name?"
"I hadn't really thought of that, but I like Felix, and it still feels right."
"Good to know, what about Yongbok?"
"That also feels okay still."
"Well, again, thanks for telling me, you know I'll love and support you always." Chan hugged them again. These word were the ones that finally made Felix cry. He'd done it. He'd told someone. Someone else knew.
"Thank you for being so good about it." Felix's face found Chan's shoulder, and hid there, finding immense comfort in being so close to her friend.
"Of course, there is no universe where I wouldn't love and accept you, any of you. You all mean the world to me, no matter how you identify." Chan had now joined them in crying.
They both sat there for a good few minutes. Holding onto each other. Crying together. Feeling their emotions together.
Felix slowly calmed down, their tears slowing, his breathing evening out, and as hers did, Chan's also calmed down, as if they were feeling their emotions in sync.
"Chan, how do I tell the others? What if they don't accept me?" Felix asked, voicing some of their worst fears.
"I'm sure they will accept you, and if they don't, they will have to deal with me." Chan pulled back, so that his eye's would meet Felix's, his face a level of seriousness Felix had never seen from him before.
"Thank you."
A few days after Felix told Chan, they decided it was time to tell the rest of the group. He had Chan make the group have dinner together, so that they were all in a relaxed environment. She was a ball of anxiety, but their was an underlying level of excitement within them. After having a couple panics about telling their group, Felix eventually reached a point where he just wanted them to know.
So now they were all sat around a table, together, enjoying each other's company. It made Felix feel more at ease, like it was all going to be fine. He could be who he wanted to be, and this was all still the same. They felt comfortable. Well as comfortable as someone who was about to come out to their K-pop group could be, but it was still a good level of comfort, so Felix was satisfied.
Before she could chicken out, Felix decided to just get on with it, "Hey, guys, I have something to say." This caused the conversation to quieten down. As it did, Felix caught Chan's eye, and he gave them a small smile of encouragement. The rest of the group looked at them in anticipation. "I just wanted to let you know I'm not a man."
"Are you a woman then?" Jisung interrupted, earning him a small slap from Minho.
"No, I'm neither, but kind of also both, its hard to explain, but the important part is that I'm not a man, and that I use all pronouns interchangeably." They let out a sigh of relief at having that out there. Now he just watched as each member tried to process this new information. Most of them looked slightly lost, but clearly weren't grossed out by it, or hated her for it.
"Thank you for telling us, I know it mustn't have been easy," Minho said, smiling at them, clearly happy for Felix.
"Yeah thanks, we appreciate you telling us, even if we don't quite get it." Hyunjin gave him a side hug from where he was sitting next to Felix. Everyone nodded in agreement with this, a chorus of 'mmm's coming in.
"Thank you guys for accepting me, if you have any questions I will try my best to answer them." Felix felt loved and accepted for who they are.
"Does this make us a co-ed group?" Seungmin asked.
"No," Chan answered, "Sadly, this probably isn't something that the public can know, but that won't stop us from being respectful and accepting of Felix."
"Can we have more gender neutral styles though?" Hyunjin asked, "I like the skirts."
"I'll see what I can do." Chan sounded determined, probably remembering the skirt incident , and how much joy the more gender neutral outfit brought Felix.
With the whole group knowing about it now, Felix felt like there was only one more person to tell.
Felix
I am gender queer, so thank you
Wumuti
Thanks for telling me