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“Oh, hey, Natsusawa-kun,” Subaru greeted. “Been a while, huh?”
“It sure has, Hoshina-san,” Saku replied. “I haven't seen you since graduation.”
Subaru grabbed a bag of rice crackers from the corner store shelf. It crinkled as her hands grabbed it, filling her ears with the sickly noise of warping plastic. It gave her a slight pang of nausea. She couldn't stand it.
She threw the bag into her shopping basket to a loud crinkle, then finally, it shut the hell up.
“I heard you got married recently,” Subaru said, trying to make small talk to the old friend she ran into in the snack aisle of a corner store.
It was a mundane aisle. Probably nothing like the one Saku walked down on the day of his wedding.
“I sent you an invite,” Saku replied. “You didn't come.”
The light had left Subaru's eyes. “I… didn't see it. I should go check my inbox later.”
“It was three years ago, Hoshina-san. It's probably been drowned out.”
“…”
Saku inspected a box of Pocky for what must have been far too long. It was pink, strawberry flavor, Mio's favorite. He turned the packaging. Soy lecithin was what his eyes locked into. It's a good thing Mio isn't allergic to soy. Reading the ingredients must have been a bit disrespectful. He looked towards his silver-haired friend, hoping she didn't mind.
Her complex expression had sent chills of nostalgia down his spine.
“Enough about me, though,” Saku spoke up. Subaru's attention snapped to him like a magnet to iron.
“How are you doing? Being a lawyer and all must be stressful.”
Subaru sighed deeply.
“I failed the bar.”
Saku dropped the box of Pocky he was holding onto. It formed a quiet ‘thud’ on the ground as it fell, reverberating and ringing in his ears like a bad memory. He didn't even bother bending down to pick it up.
“And… you didn't retake it?”
A small, yet noticeable ember burned at Subaru's eyes. It hurt to keep them open. Still, she gazed at Saku, more so as a self-inflicted punishment than anything else.
“No, I didn't.”
“Maybe I should have,” she lamented.
She was supposed to be the same Hoshina Subaru that Saku had known since high school. The one who never gave up. The one who inspired Saku to work hard and become a teacher. The one who Saku couldn't help but admire for her resilience and practicality. How could Subaru of all people have dropped the ball on the bar exam?
“You're an intelligent woman, Hoshina-san,” he tried reassuring her. This has never been a strong point of his.
“I'm sure you could do it if you gave it another shot.”
A solitary silver droplet found itself streaking down Subaru's face.
“You really shouldn't believe in me. I've failed far too many times for a person my age.”
The left side of her bangs that had usually stayed tucked behind her ear had fallen, draping her face. She tucked it back behind her ear.
“But… thank you anyway, Natsusawa-kun.”
Subaru: What's she like?
Subaru: Your wife, I mean.
It had been several days since Saku's run-in with his high school unrequited crush. It had been on his mind for ages lately. She seemed so different. Broken, almost, if that really was a word one could use for a person.
It had taken him a while to respond to—or even see—the text she left for him. He was busy negotiating terms with his divorce lawyer. It was funny, Subaru wanted to be a lawyer, too. She wouldn't have handled cases like this, though.
Saku: It's difficult to say.
Saku: Sometimes, she's a kind person.
The silence of the divorce office was deafening. Saku's ears were ringing with a sound that did not exist.
The sound had come back to haunt him, once again.
His mind carried him through his fragmented memories of his days at home. Memories of unwashed dishes and separate beds.
A blunt feeling struck his ribs. It felt just like her.
His senses flung him out of his inner world. The silence of the divorce office loomed over him like a deathly shadow.
Saku: But sometimes, I don't know if I should have accepted her proposal.
The only person looking at Saku was himself reflected on the blackened phone screen. He closed his eyes to get out of his own cursed sight.
That meeting with Shohei five years ago, the day after his graduation from T University. The girl he came with, a friend of his who was interested in Saku. It all came rushing back to him.
Their first date was a trip to a coffee shop. It was one he'd been in before, one that now felt defiled by the wrong person. Saku couldn't help but feel like he's committed a grave sin by following her in.
And yet, she still showed up to his apartment, dragging him to plans he never agreed to.
She proposed to him one year in, in front of what must have been hundreds of people. He didn't want to imagine what could have happened to him if he said no.
But somehow, ‘yes’ felt like the worst possible answer.
Subaru: She proposed?
Subaru: I'm not surprised. You've always been popular with girls.
Subaru: I hope things get better for you.
The noise of the notifications cut through the silence. Saku nearly jolted in his seat. He spent his time reading and rereading the texts he's received from Subaru. The warmth these three text messages gave him felt nearly alien to him. For so long has he felt like he was trapped.
He looked up at the calendar. February 4. His divorce proceedings were in two days. A faint smile tugged on his lips.
Saku: I know they will.
Saku: Thanks for looking out for me.
Subaru: We're still friends. It's the least I could do.
Subaru: And now you must repay me.
Saku nearly let himself laugh. The noises his mouth made had grossed him out, though, so he stopped.
It had been too many years since Subaru teased him in this way.
Saku: And how do you suppose I do that?
Subaru: Help me study for the bar. Like how we used to study together in university.
How could he refuse?
Even though they were studying under different faculties, they still made time to study together. Somehow, this helped Saku study more efficiently. As for Subaru, she was effectively asking Saku to just stand there and eat donuts or something while she studied.
Saku: I can do that. When?
Subaru: I can meet in 2 days. What about you?
His fingers were typing full of uncertainty. It took him thirty seconds of typos to finally write what he wanted to say.
Saku: I need to be in court by then.
Subaru: Oh? What for?
Saku: I'm getting a divorce.
Beyond his immediate family, Subaru was the first person he’s told. It felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, one he didn't even know was there.
Subaru: Oh… I see. I'm sorry to hear that.
Subaru: Good luck.
Subaru: I'll reschedule, then. Does the 9th work?
Saku was amused at the off-handed comment. The 9th of February... he could certainly make it. Luckily, he didn't have much going on that day.
Saku: Tell me the venue. I'll be there.
“I've been meaning to ask since like three days ago,” Subaru commented, “but how'd the divorce go?”
A strange question to ask at a coffee shop.
Saku found himself back at that accursed coffee shop. Subaru requested to meet here, of all places. She didn't know of his feelings about this spot, but he didn't know how to decline. He usually never found it to be an issue to decline someone one-on-one. Not unless it was Subaru. There they were, sitting by the corner spot Subaru was so fond of. It's a tiny miracle this coffee shop was still in business.
“It went well,” Saku replied succinctly. “I hope it's okay that I'd rather not divulge the details.”
“That's fine,” Subaru said. “It's not like I'm your lawyer.”
Saku's brows furrowed as he turned to face her.
“… Yet. You're not my lawyer yet.”
Despite Subaru's newfound smile, her eyes couldn't help but irritate themselves once more.
“Right. I'll be your lawyer soon.”
Saku found himself smiling back at her.
About twenty minutes later, Subaru was clutching her head in her hands.
Even with Saku here, she was a mess.
In fact, somehow, it felt more difficult to study than it usually did.
She inhaled sharply, trying to reset her brain.
“Are you okay, Hoshina-san?”
Subaru pushed her hands into her temples.
“I'm… fine… I think.”
Saku wished more than anything that he could comfort people effectively.
“You can't study like this, Hoshina-san. Something is clearly bothering you.”
Subaru was now lying on her arms crossed over the table. She pushed her laptop out of the way so as to not lie on it too. With a careful gaze, she looked towards Saku, her mind registering a million things at once. He looked concerned in the way a teacher looks at a good student as they'd get into trouble.
Calm down, Subaru.
He was… strangely difficult to look away from. Perhaps it was the look of worry on his face. Perhaps it was his hair—it was just the tiniest bit longer than he would have preferred it back in university. Perhaps it was his eyes—those dull gray eyes seemed to be able to carry more emotion than a million different colors at once. Perhaps she was simply paying too much attention to him.
“Are you mad at me…?” Saku asked, hesitant. Subaru nearly caught herself flinching. She was staring at him. Did it look like a glare?
“No, no, absolutely not. I just… have a lot on my mind. I'm sorry.”
“I understand that. I hope it doesn't impede your study too bad.”
“Oh, that's certainly a lost cause. I'm getting old,” Subaru lamented. “I thought I'd stop overthinking at some point but I think it's gotten worse.”
Saku's eyes looked so, so gentle. Subaru didn't know how she felt looking at him like this.
“I know it's not much,” he said, his voice somehow even more tender than his gaze, “but I'll listen if you need it.”
Goodness, where do I even start?
“It's just… been a while since I've studied with you is all. It takes me back.”
“For some reason, I used to always do better when I'm with you.”
It's been a while since Saku's heard one of Subaru's verbal javelins to the heart. It almost felt as nostalgic as it did painful.
“It never really added up to me,” Subaru continued. “I mean, aren't people supposed to get flustered and idiotic around their crush?”
It took Saku a moment to realize exactly what Subaru had just confessed to. When it finally clicked, he felt light-headed.
“You mean… I…”
“Sorry,” Subaru said. “I shouldn't… talk about that sort of thing. You just went through a divorce, and I can only imagine how much heartbrea–”
“I filed for a reason, Hoshina-san.”
“F-fair enough…”
“It's true though,” Subaru commented. “I really did have quite the crush on you.”
Saku nearly short circuited. Since when…?
“Why me?” he asked. “I thought you were still uncomfortable around men back then.”
“I was comfortable around you.”
Saku had gone so long without blushing that the reaction itself felt foreign. Even still, he couldn't help it.
“I… I understand.”
“Pfft, look at me, using past tense like it's going to change anything.”
Subaru chuckled at herself in schadenfreude.
“It feels nice to finally get that off my chest.”
If only Saku knew. He kicked himself for not noticing the signs.
“I didn't say anything at the time because… well… you always seemed to be busy or having fun with others… and I didn't want to distract you or take you away from that.”
Saku tried to smile. It failed.
“Guess we're both just really slow,” he responded.
“After all, you're acting like your crush was unrequited.”
Subaru's eyes widened in shock.
“I think I managed to get a lot of studying done today,” Subaru remarked. Seems their previous conversation had helped her clear her mind.
They were walking to the station. The slightest glint of Subaru's silver hair was enough to send Saku all the way back to his teenage years. The street lights stretched ad infinitum into the distance, illuminating their path on certain areas. They were mostly in the dark, though.
“Sorry for… falling apart a bit after we graduated,” Subaru said. “I don't feel like the same person I was at all. Like I killed her and stole her body.
“People change, Hoshina-san. You're happier today than you were a week ago. That's proof enough.”
He continued. “And it's okay. That's what second chances are for. Maybe it's a bit later than others, but I'm sure I'll see the Hoshina name at a law firm in the near future.”
“Now that would be worth living for,” Subaru commented.
The station was in sight, much to Subaru's dismay. She had wanted to talk a lot more.
“Thanks for meeting up with me. I know it was probably hard, what with work and your recent divorce and—”
“Hoshina-san,” Saku interrupted.
“Yeah…?”
“I've missed being able to make time for you.”
Subaru smiled. She settled into a rhythm with a small spring in her step. It felt good to finally be comfortable in her own existence. Maybe she really could become a lawyer, after all.
“Then… after the bar…” Subaru felt nervous.
“Could you… make more time for me?”
In the dark stretches of sidewalk not illuminated by the street lights, Saku wore the widest smile he's been able to muster in nine years.
“I'll think of something to celebrate it. And something else to celebrate your results.”
Subaru smiled, now walking into a street light. They were both grinning from ear to ear.
It felt good to give things another shot.