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“Who gave you permission to date Iruka-sensei?!”
Kakashi quirks an eyebrow, but doesn’t look up from his book as a shadow falls over him. Taking his sweet time, he finishes his paragraph, marks his page with a senbon, closes Icha-Icha, and then languidly looks up at the angry pre-teen looming over him.
“I wasn’t aware that I was,” he drawls.
“Don’t play dumb with me. I am the king of dumb. Dumb is my middle name.” Naruto glares down at him with all the fury of the Nine-tailed Demon Fox. “There’s no use denying it. You and him were seen grocery shopping. Together. Everyone in Konoha is talking about it.”
“You’re mistaken.” Kakashi sighs in annoyance, turning back to his book. Seriously, how did Naruto even find him? He’s been hiding- doing reconnaissance in this tree for, like, three hours. “I literally just bumped into him at the store and helped him pick out a ripe eggplant-”
“Ugh, gross! Is that a euphemism for some kind of disgusting sex thing?!” Kakashi is mildly shocked/impressed that Naruto not only knew the word ‘euphemism’, but used it correctly. “Don’t corrupt my innocent sensei, you perverted degenerate!” Okay, he’s a little less impressed with the big words now.
“Well, that’s hurtful. True, but hurtful.” Kakashi puts his book down to look Naruto in the eye. “I am not currently, nor have I ever in the past, dated your precious Iruka-sensei. Satisfied?” Naruto continues to scowl, but his shoulders relax minutely. “…He is cute though.”
The indignant squawk that follows scares a flock of crows out of the neighboring trees.
“Kidding! I was kidding.” Kakashi holds his hands up in defeat.
“You’d better be.” Naruto’s eyes are red with anger- no, wait, that’s the power of the Demon Fox, leaking out along with his rage. Maybe Kakashi better shut up now. “Keep your filthy hands off him.”
“Got it. I’ll wash my hands first.” Or not.
Naruto leans in close, the pupils of his eyes thinning to dangerous slits as he bares his suddenly much-sharper teeth.
“I’m serious,” he bites out. “You are forbidden from dating him. Understand?”
“Perfectly,” Kakashi dead-pans.
---
“Hello, lover.”
Umino Iruka looks up from grading papers and nearly spits out his tea. Kakashi is lying seductively on his desk, sprawled on his side with one knee bent. After a moment of struggling not to choke, Iruka finally manages to get the tea down and roughly cough out, “Pardon?”
“Oh, nothing, just greeting my precious boyfriend,” Kakashi purrs, rolling onto his front so he can prop his hands under his chin and kick his feet up. “You know, since we’re so in love and all.” He flutters his eyelashes flirtatiously for measure. If anything, Iruka just looks more confused.
“We…are?”
“Apparently. It’s what everyone in Konoha is saying now.”
“But…we’re not.” Iruka’s frown deepens. “We literally just bumped into each other at the store and you helped me pick out a ripe eggplant-”
“That’s what I said-”
“And now people are gossiping about us?” Iruka sits back in his chair with a scoff and crosses his arms. “RUDE.”
“Yeah, on a side note,” Kakashi says, finally slithering off the desk, “Naruto thinks it’s a euphemism for a sex-thing.”
“Wait, did he actually use the word ‘euphemism’? Like, correctly? Good for him.” Iruka goes for another sip of tea and almost spits it out again. “Hold on, what about a sex thing?!”
“He assumed we were dating, too. Hunted me down and nearly bit my head off before I managed to clear it up.” Kakashi snorts in affront. “He actually forbid me from dating you, and demanded I keep my, and I quote, ‘filthy hands off you’.”
“He is aware I’m a grown-ass man, right? Who also happens to be a ninja?” Iruka says flatly, the scar across the bridge of his nose wrinkling in annoyance. “I don’t need protection. Or permission. I can make my own mistakes, thank you very much.”
“Ouch.” Kakashi winces dramatically and grabs his chest.
“Oh, get over it.” Iruka rolls his eyes. “Naruto, too. I can’t believe he got so mad at just the idea of us dating.” Kakashi nods in agreement.
“At first, I was annoyed at this misunderstanding about us dating. Now I almost wanna do it some more just to mess with him.”
“Ha! Could you imagine? He’d be so pissed.”
They stare at each other for a long, silent moment.
“…So did you wanna-”
“Oh my God YES.”
---
They start off subtle. Chance meetings in the street, at the store, at Ichiraku’s, with Naruto just happening to stumble upon the two in various compromising positions, Iruka quick to explain it away as coincidence (“No, we’re not on a walk together, we’re just…walking. Together. In the same direction. Also, he fell and grabbed my arm, that’s why we’re holding hands. You’re overreacting.”) or misinterpretation (“He was not ‘sensually massaging’ my head, he was just fixing my ponytail for me, don’t make it weird. I asked him to, he’s good with his hands- I said stop making it weird!”).
It escalates from there. Naruto walks by a swanky diner to see them having a romantic candlelit dinner (“We’re just scoping out the place for a mission, calm down-”), finds them crammed together in a clothing store’s dressing room (“Of course we’re half-naked in here, we’re trying on clothes. And we’re sharing because the other stalls were full. Obviously.”), and even comes upon them with Kakashi’s hand down Iruka’s pants (“He’s just grabbing my extra kunai, I swear!”).
Each time, they profess their innocence. Each time, Naruto nearly pitches a fit.
And each time, it’s hilarious. Kakashi’s standing so close he can feel Iruka’s body quaking with barely restrained fits of laughter, fighting to keep it down, the corner of his mouth twitching traitorously. He always has to grab the other man’s warm, calloused hand and squeeze it to remind him to keep a straight face until Naruto finally storms off. And Iruka always squeezes back and then looks up at him, those lovely dark eyes shining with glee and his gorgeous smile lighting his whole face up like a beaming sun, one that warms Kakashi from the toes up, spreading throughout his whole body, making his stomach flutter and his chest give a funny little twinge-
Wait.
Oh.
Oh no.
Kakashi is…in trouble.
---
“I think we need to break up.”
Iruka stares at him blankly.
“But…we’re not…dating.”
“Exactly.”
“…What?”
“I just…” Kakashi struggles to find the right words, the pressure building inside until he feels like a whistling tea-kettle and they just come spewing out of him. “I don’t want to do this anymore!” Iruka blinks, taken aback. The words keep rushing out. “It’s not you, it’s me. I’ve had enough. I’m…I’m over it. It’s been fun, being with you, but…I’m just not feeling it anymore. I think it’s time we…move on. Try new things. Okay?” The words finally stop, a silence falling over them like a stifling weight. Kakashi cautiously peeks at Iruka, waiting to see the acquiescence on his face.
It crumbles instead.
Kakashi’s heart goes along with it.
“…Oh,” Iruka says in a small voice, his eyes falling to the floor. Then his jaw tightens and he visibly pulls himself together, clearing his throat and standing straight, giving Kakashi a cold glare. “Well. I’m sorry to waste your time, Kakashi-san.” His tone is clipped, terse. Kakashi nearly flinches at the edge to it. “You’re right. It is time to move on. I’m sure you’ve got much more important things to do, being a high-ranking Jounin and all.”
“Iruka-” Kakashi begins.
“Missions, murders, those kinds of things.”
“Iruka-”
“You probably shouldn’t be seen with a boring Chunin like me anyway-”
“BUT I WANT TO BE WITH YOU!” Kakashi suddenly bursts out, his voice ringing through the air.
Iruka goes quiet, gaping at him in shock. After a few agonizing seconds of this, Kakashi starts blabbering again, anything to fill up this awful, awkward silence between them.
“Look, I didn’t lie, I did have a good time with you, you’re…God, you’re funny, and smart, and…and this is the most fun I’ve had in years, but…” His voice breaks a bit, but he forces himself to go on. “But the more time I spend with you, the more I realize…that I…don’t want to keep pretending. I want it to be real. Being with you. Because I…I like you, Iruka, and now, this pretending, it hurts, and I don’t want to hurt anymore.” Kakashi’s gloves are damp. Why are they so damp? And since when was it so damn hard to breathe in his mask? “And just because I feel a certain way doesn’t mean you’re obligated to reciprocate. I can’t just push my feelings on you, that’s not fair, I don’t want to pressure you into something that you’re not interested in-”
“When did I ever say I wasn’t interested?”
Now it’s Kakashi’s turn to gape in shock.
“You had your hand down my pants, Kakashi,” Iruka explains patiently, “and you’re still alive. Isn’t that consent enough?”
Kakashi opens his mouth to argue before remembering Iruka’s a considerably skilled ninja in his own right and could have easily broken a few of Kakashi’s fingers if any touching had been unwanted.
“…Huh,” is all he can manage.
“Yeah. Huh.” Iruka gives him a look. One of those ‘you’re so fucking dumb it’s adorable’ looks you give a puppy that’s just pooed on the carpet (Kakashi would know, he’s raised plenty of Ninken). It shouldn’t be nearly as attractive as it is. If Kakashi had a tail, he’d wag it. “So?”
“…Ssssoooo?” Kakashi drags out, raising an eyebrow expectantly.
He gets the look again.
“You gonna come over here and put your hand down my pants again or what?”
Kakashi is more than happy to oblige.
-End-