Work Text:
Today is the day.
After getting divorced by his husband 30 years ago and his brother killing him, HE CAME BACK. Not as a sexy little triangle, no, no, no! As a disgusting flesh bag! Here he is!
Looks like you have a little friend there! Don't lie, I know that he's the most sexiest thing you've ever seen in your entire life. Go on. Goon. Do it.
Today he's gonna ask his 💛CRUSH💛 out! His zaddy Stanford Filbrick Pines!
He's finally figured out the password on their family computer (it was 12345 backwards) and found the greatest source of skin puppet flirting that WILL get ford GOING!
Suddenly, bursting in through twin doors, sexyback suddenly playing, hair glistening and flowing in the wind and sun, his white shirt all wet and transparent from sweat, it's FORD! Girls, left and right start fainting and screaming his name. He just smiles sweetly not looking at them at all.
Bill's flustered, he looks left and right until his eyes land on a particular person. No! There's Y/N! The curvy-est non-binary there is in their messy bun!
Ford's talking right to them! If bill wants that cookie, then he'll have to play dirty...
"OW!!!" Bill falls over face first. "I HAVE HURT MYSELF. IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMEONE WHO KNEW HOW TO BANDAGE MY BROKEN LEG!"
Sexyback starts playing again, and here comes running ford pines straight to bill! "Bill, get up. I know you're faking."
"OW." Bill punched himself repeatedly In the eye. "LOOKS LIKE I HAVE A BLACK EYE."
Ford sighs and carries bill like a bride to the kitchen. He set bill down on the chair and went to the fridge to get an ice bag. Here's bills chance!
"SO. Are you breathing?"
Ford didn't say anything, rummaging through the fridge. Until he gasped, as if he realized something and he chuckled to himself loudly. He closed the fridge and started to look through the freezer. Silly him, he thought it was in the fridge! So kawaii!
That just makes bill want to bone him more! "Are you gay." Bill asks, leaning against the table like a snack.
Ford freezed. Damn it! How did he know? Ford thought. He'll have to go with the safe option! "I'm aromantic."
Bill gasped, he had no idea what that meant but it sure as hell wasnt straight so he must be into bill. "WHOOPS! I MESSED UP! SORRY, SQUIRT. I MEANT TO SAY ARE YOU A GUY?"
"Yes! Of course I am! I am a man! I am the manliest man there ever MAN-ED! I out man-ed Dan the man the last hour I was gone!" To prove his point ceo ford flexed his muscles before carrying the comically large bag of frozen peas, and approuch bill at the table.
"DO YOU THINK IM FUNNY?"
"No." Bill, then, was crushed by the comically large bag of peas. Bill shrieked and moaned weakly.
Before bill managed to say, although muffled but ford could understand everything he just said. "Mhuwat bruahnd mhs mour'he mhhechkgromnhave?"
Ford sat atop the peas like a princess, his legs crossed, he rested his chin in his palm, so sexy! So shiny! So strong! "Why do you want to know THAT?"
Bill then managed to get himself out from those peas. "BE MY BOYFRIEND!"
...
And...
He said...
"No."
Ford tooted. And then giggled hot-ly at his own sound that his asshole made.
Bill then cried the next following months and ate every ice cream he could find and ate the fridge, they had a Samsung fridge by the way. He ate someone's shoe, their sofa and their door and most of the triangle shaped items.
Bill cried as he watched Danny Motta videos.
"I'm bill cipher.... I'm so sad." Bill wept out.