Chapter Text
Source Material from 'The Long Game:
“A couple of years ago he’d told Shane, as casually as possible, that if he wanted to have sex with other men when they were apart—which was most of the time—he could.
Since Shane had figured out he was gay around the same time he’d realized he had fallen in love with Ilya, it wouldn’t be unreasonable for him to want to explore sex beyond what Ilya could give him.
What did it matter as long as his heart belonged to Ilya? That’s what Ilya had told himself.
Shane hadn’t taken Ilya’s offer well. He’d thought it had been Ilya’s backhanded way of letting Shane know that he’d cheated on him, or that he wanted to.
Ilya had told him that he didn’t believe in cheating because he didn’t own Shane.
It had ended with Shane storming out of Ilya’s house in Ottawa and driving back to Montreal, which had been a horrible waste of a rare night they could have had together.
He’d ignored Ilya’s texts for three days after.
Then, on the fourth day, he’d called Ilya from his hotel room in Philadelphia and said, “You really wouldn’t mind if I had sex with someone else?”
And that was when Ilya had realized how much he would mind it.
He’d felt sick at the idea of someone else touching Shane, and he hadn’t been sure if Shane was asking because he’d already done it, or if he was about to or what.
Maybe someone had been heading to his Philadelphia hotel room at that very moment.
But all Ilya had said was, “Of course not. If that is what you want.”
“I don’t want, you fucking moron,” Shane had spat. The relief had been so intense that Ilya had nearly sunk to his knees in his living room.”
The Long Game (Chapter 21).
Chapter 1
“I am so full of Pasta,” Ilya groaned as he got into the passenger seat of Shane’s boring car. They had just spent a lovely evening with Yuna and David, and were heading back to Ilya’s house in Ottawa.
Shane chuckled, squeezing Ilya’s thigh affectionately before buckling himself in and starting up the engine.
“You do know you’re allowed to stop eating when you get full?” Shane asked in a jokingly condescending tone as they pulled out of the driveway.
Ilya shot a scandalized look at Shane, which earned him another laugh and thigh squeeze.
Ilya watched in adoration as Shane’s nose crunch up. God, he loved Shane’s perfect little nose, and his perfect little freckles, and his perfect little face. Warmth bloomed in Ilya’s chest as he continued to stare at his boyfriend’s side profile. The street lamps illuminated him in waves of warm orange light.
How did Ilya get so fucking lucky? Nobody had ever made him feel this way, made him feel so seen. It was a feeling Ilya had been missing from his life ever since he lost his mother. A shiver zipped down his spine at the thought of his mom. The grief of losing her hit him so intensely sometimes that it shook him to his core. Even though it had been years ago, sometimes it felt like yesterday.
A wave of melancholy washed over Ilya as he continued to study Shane. He loved spending time with Yuna and David, but sometimes the grief of never being able to share his family with Shane hit him like a truck. This was one of those times.
“Are you cold?” Shane asked, turning up the heat. Winter in Ottawa was no joke. Worse then Boston which was really saying something.
Ilya blinked back tears.
He sees me, always, Ilya thought to himself.
How had Shane even noticed that? His eyes were on the road and Ilya’s movement had been so subtle. The same thing had happened countless times infant of his teammates, infant of his past lovers. But they never noted the way Shane did.
“We are almost home. I will make first fire in new fire place. We will both be so warm,” Ilya told Shane, leaning over and nuzzling his nose against Shane’s neck.
Ilya had made sure the house he bought in Ottawa had a fireplace. Not only because he knew that Shane loved staring at them like the boring man that he was, but because one of Ilya’s favorite memories together was in front of a fire at the cottage.
That fire had been outside, but the smell of the wood burning reminded Ilya of the intimate night when he had laid his head across Shane’s lap. Shane had burred one hand in Ilya’s hair and held him tight with the other.
It was the first time in recent memory anyone asked Ilya about his family, about his childhood, about anything personal really. He wasn’t used to anyone caring enough about him to ask how he was doing, to acknowledge how hard it was for him to lose all of his family. To everyone else, he should be over it by now. Just a thing of his past, not something that shaped who he was to his core.
For the first time ever, Ilya had told someone about his mother. He had shared so much about his childhood that he feared Shane would think he was too damaged to be around. He remembered being so grateful the stupid Canadian wolf bird had scared him too shitless to keep talking about himself.
But perfect Shane Hollander kept asking Ilya questions. He made Ilya so comfortable that he finally felt safe enough to release years of trauma and heartache. Shane kept prying him open with that big ass heart of his. Ilya had no choice but to realize how desperately and irrevocably in love he was with Shane.
Ilya couldn’t wait to make many more memories like that with Shane, fireplace crackling in the background.
“Hey, not while I’m driving,” Shane laughed, as Ilya lay wet and sloppy kisses his neck. Shane gave him a half hearted push away.
“Why? Did you get hard already? Must be uncomfortable to always be like this when I’m around, yes?”
Shane rolled his eyes and shoved Ilya more forcefully this time. But Ilya didn’t miss Shane subtly trying to adjust himself in the driver seat, lowering his hand on the steering wheel so his arm would cover his erection.
Ilya smirked but decided to be nice and let Shane think he hadn’t noticed the tent growing in his pants.
Ilya bit his lip, thinking about how easy it was to turn on his boyfriend. It was one of the things that had drawn him to Shane to begin with. He was so bad at lying, and could rarely hide the effect Ilya had on his body.
Suddenly a pang of anxiety zipped through Ilya as suddenly as the grief over his mother had a few moments ago. What if Shane was only like this because they spent so much of their time apart? What if once he got his fill of Ilya, he’d get bored and moved on to the next man?
Shane had only recently come to terms with his sexuality. What if Ilya was just his first stop until he became more commutable with himself? Ilya sucked in a deep breath, trying to force the panicked thoughts to subside.
Shane loves me, he reminded himself.
They had said I love you to each other daily since that first time.
Shane looked sideways at Ilya.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, a concerned look scrunching his eyebrows together in a way Ilya couldn’t help but find so damn adorable.
“Nothing. Just still very full,” Ilya lied, infusing his voice with false playfulness he did not feel.
Every time things were going well for Ilya, his asshole brain had to ruin it with terrible thoughts.
Shane loves me, Ilya repeated in his head, though his chest was starting to feel tight. Was he about to have a heart attack?
“We’re almost home, and then you can lay down. I can try that leg thing,” Shane said.
“Leg thing?” Ilya asked, absently, massaging his chest.
“You know, to make the gas pains go away,” Shane replied, “I do it on Hayden’s kids sometimes when baby sitting. You lay down and then I move your legs so all the trapped gas-”
Ilya burst out laughing, cutting Shane off mid explanation.
“Oh my God, Hollander. You want to fart me? Not even boyfriends a year and romance is all gone,” Ilya cackles.
Shane blushes furiously.
“You look like you’re in pain, I don’t want you in pain,” he shot back, defensively.
They pulled into the driveway with Ilya still laughing hysterically, swiping tears from his eyes. As much as Ilya would like to believe that it was just the laughter making him cry, he couldn’t be sure. The highs and lows he was hitting today were starting to get disorienting
Shane got out the car grumbling as Ilya followed suit.
“Don’t be mad. I think it’s sweet you want to fart me like baby,” Ilya called after him.
Shane darted an annoyed look at Ilya as he struggled to unlocked the door, the bright red on Shane’s cheeks ruining what was clearly supposed to be a menacing look.
As Ilya’s laughter slowly faded, a soft smile pulled at his lips. He loved watching Shane open the door to his home with the duplicate key he had made the same day the sale went through. He had also made a copy for Shane’s parents in case he ever locked himself out. Or in case he needed their help. In case he needed them to stop him from ending—Ilya quickly rerouted his train of thought before he could finish that sentence in his head.
“You are bad with key, let me show you how,” Ilya said, bumping Shane aside lightly with his hip. Again, faking a casualness he was not feeling. He had gotten way too good at pretending to be okay. He was not okay. Especially today for some reason.
What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just enjoy himself on this rare night off with Shane? It was hockey season and Shane’s schedule had miraculously allowed him today and tomorrow off. Shane had driven straight to Ottawa to be with Ilya. Because he loves Ilya, he reminded himself for what felt like the hundredth time that night.
Ilya and Shane finally got the door open and made their way inside. Shane quickly stripped out of his heavy layers before turning back to Ilya who had been watching him.
They stared at each other for a moment, Shane’s eyes darting across Ilya’s face. What was he searching for? Ilya wondered.
“Are you okay?” Shane asked finally, his low voice filled with a concern that Ilya hated.
Ilya’s throat prickled, so he just nodded and did what he always did, deflected hard conversations with the promise of sex. He took Shane’s face gently in his hands, and instead of making Shane hold eye contact with him for a few seconds like he usually did, he kissed Shane fiercely.
God I missed this, Ilya thought to himself in Russian as Shane struggled to keep up with the intensity of Ilya’s kiss. If Ilya kept kissing him like this, he wouldn’t be able to notice Ilya’s pain.
Ilya’s time in Ottawa without Shane was very hard. He struggled daily when they were apart. Usually his thoughts calmed once Shane was with him, but today was different. It was one of the days where he felt like it would be fine if he died. He wouldn’t actively do anything to end it though. He’d never do to Shane what his mother had done to him.
Should he tell Shane about how he was feeling? No. He wouldn’t worry Shane like that. He had plenty of other things to think about. This was one of the rare times they got to be together during the season. He needed to let it go and just enjoy the beautiful man in his arms.
“I’m going to go shower really quickly,” Shane panted, breaking the kiss with Ilya.
Ilya quirked an eyebrow at Shane.
“Going to get all clean for me, Hollander?” Ilya asked in the seductive tone he knew got Shane going.
“Yes,” Shane answered, still out of breath. He stepped towards Ilya, laying a light kiss on Ilya’s lips, then his cheeks, then his chin.
Ilya groaned at the tenderness of it all. Shane grinned as he stepped away, making his way up the stairs.
“Wait! You don’t want to fart me first?” Ilya called up to him.
“Shut up and make the fire, asshole,” Shane yelled back from halfway up the stairs.
Ilya chuckled as he went back outside to collect firewood from the pile on the porch. How could Ilya doubt Shane’s love for him when he kissed him like that? And yet, the nagging feeling started to return the longer Shane was upstairs. What if Shane wanted to explore beyond what Ilya could give him? Ilya had done plenty of exploring already. He was all explored out and knew Shane was it for him. He’d never want anyone else. Was it selfish of Ilya to expect Shane to do the same when he’d barely had sex with any other men?
Ilya felt like he was going to throw up as he finished putting the logs into the fireplace. He sat on the couch, lighter in hand and starter log unlit. As he listened to the shower running upstairs, he came to the conclusion that there was only one way to stop these thoughts from plaguing him. He had to ask Shane if he wanted to sleep with other people while they were apart.