Work Text:
Play “I’m Robin Hood”
When you pass the Sherwood Forest sign, the first thing you’d see is a Wanted poster for Robin Hood rewarding 200 gold pieces to whoever brings him in.
An arrow flies from further away, hitting the center of the picture.
Cut to me, Phineas Flynn, bow in my hand.
Me:
I swing from the trees
With the greatest of ease
I’m dashing and debonair
I swing on a vine, do a backflip, and land feet-first on a cart filled with food and supplies. With me are my Merry Men, my brother, Ferb, and my best friend, Isabella. Pulling the cart are my other friends, Django and Baljeet.
For this is Sherwood
And I’m Robin Hood
With my bow and my trusty arrow
We arrive in a small town that isn’t very populated. Most of the houses are worn down, and the people living in that town are wearing torn-up clothing.
The Merry Men offer some of the food and supplies to the starving townsfolk.
All:
We bring all the poor
Some food and much more
We give it all for free
Me:
All bad guys beware
For they wouldn’t dare
Cross swords with a hero like me
I hand a sack of apples to a woman, who passes it along. The last person to take it fills an empty box with the apples.
So come with me Merry Men
As we hide out in Sherwood Glen
Django takes my bow and aims it at a sign that reads, ‘Taxes: 8 Gold Pieces’.
We protect all we can across the whole land
There are none who are braver than we
He pulls as far as he can and fires the arrow. It flies right through the sign, cutting the eight in half, making it a zero.
All:
So come with me Merry Men
As we hide out in Sherwood Glen
We protect all we can across the whole land
There are none who are braver than we
Me:
I protect all I can across the whole land
There are none who are braver than…
End “I’m Robin Hood”
The song is cut short when the ground starts to shake. We all look ahead, and what we see makes us freeze in fear.
“Me,” I stammer.
A giant shoves its way through the trees and roars. It then lays its eyes on me specifically, making me jump.
And so, I runs as fast as he can. The giant chases after me, unintentionally kicking the box of apples.
I step on one of those apples, and I slip and fall.
I turn over and try to get up, but then I see the giant gaining up on me.
So, I hold my breath, close my eyes, and brace myself.
I open my eyes when I feel a heavy weight force all the air out of my system. I look up and realize that a big kid is sitting on me, and staring at me menacingly.
“Oh no, it is Buford!” shouts Baljeet, who is hiding behind the slide.
“Phineas is screwed,” says Django, who is standing next to Baljeet.
“Hey Dinner-Bell, what are you doing on my playground?” Buford demands.
“Your playground?” I ask. “Nobody owns it…”
POW!
I feel the full force of Buford’s fist on his face, nearly knocking me unconscious.
Ferb and Isabella, who are hiding behind the swings, gasp.
“IF I SAY THIS IS MY PLAYGROUND, THEN IT IS MY PLAYGROUND!” Buford yells.
“Uh… s-sure, it’s your playground,” I stutter.
Buford laughs. “Aw, are you scared?” His menacing look returns. “Well, you should be!” He stands up. “From now on, no one is allowed to play here unless I say so, got it?”
“Sure, I got it.”
Buford turns to everyone else. “And that goes for all of you! If I catch any one of you step one foot in here, you’ll get what Phineas here got, AND WORSE! Get it?”
Baljeet gasps.
“So get out of here, before I hit on all of you!” Buford shouts.
I get up, clutch my aching stomach, and walk away with everyone else despite the pain.
“Have you ever been hit?” Django asks Baljeet.
“A cousin of mine was,” Baljeet admits. “He’s soup now.”
I nearly fall again, but Ferb and Isabella help me stand, and we all leave together.
Buford laughs. “Bye-bye, Phineas!”
Later that day, I sit alone in the treehouse me and Ferb had built together, with a little help from Dad.
I toss a football up and down until it bounces too far out of reach. I try to get up and get it, but my stomach starts hurting again, so I just sit in the corner and sulk.
That’s when Ferb comes up and approaches me.
“Hey, we’re all going to Isabella’s house to play in her pool,” he explains. “Wanna come?”
“No thanks,” I reply.
“Their mom’s making cookies.”
“No.”
Ferb gives me a sympathetic look. “Don’t worry about it, bro. He’s just a big ol’ bully.”
“I know.”
“Want me to tell Mum, Dad, or Candace?”
I bolt up angrily, despite the pain in my stomach. “NO, I’M FINE! THERE’S NOTHING TO TELL!”
Ferb looks at me worriedly, then he turns to leave. Before he goes, he picks up my football and tosses it to me.
“You could tell Buford that he doesn’t own the playground,” I add, despite the fact he’s already gone. “That’s what I would tell him, if I were bigger.”
I go back to tossing my football in the air.
Things weren’t looking too good. The Home team just lost another player, and the Away team was in the lead, 35-0.
“Where’s Phineas?” Coach Mitchell wonders. “Without my star player, we haven’t got a prayer!”
That’s where I come in. The crowd cheers upon my arrival, all the cameras are on me, and the cheerleaders are squealing.
Specifically one cheerleader, Isabella.
“He’s here!” Mitchell shouts. “Get that man a helmet!”
The assistant coach approaches me, takes off my cap, and replaces it with my helmet.
“Phineas, we’re down 35-0 with only two minutes to play,” Mitchell explains. “Where were you?”
“There were lives to be saved, Coach,” I reply.
And so, I join my teammates on the field, and we huddle.
“Just get me the ball,” I tell the others.
They all nod.
And so, we get into position.
“One, John, Four, Eighteen, HIKE!” I shout.
Django tosses me the ball, and I make a run for it. I manage to avoid every tackle attempt from the other team, and I make it to touchdown.
“Better call your ma, better call your pa, better call your coach ‘cause we got the ball!” Isabella and the Firesides cheer. “Yay Phineas!”
During our next drive, Ferb has the ball first, and he tosses it to me. I catch it right as I’m tackled, but I land in the touchdown zone.
“Square root division, hypotenuse, we did the math and you’re gonna lose!” the Firesides chant.
During my last touchdown, I throw the ball into the ground and make it bounce into the field goal. The Home team ends the game with thirty-six points.
“Gobble gobble gobble, eating turkey’s fun, we put a fork in it and this game is done!” the Firesides finish. “Yay Phineas! Phineas! Phineas!”
My teammates surround me and throw me into the air.
I wake up when I realize someone is actually calling my name. The pain in my stomach has mostly faded, so I get up and peak outside.
There, I see Isabella, smiling at me. I can’t help but smile back.
“There you are,” they say as I climb down. “So, whatcha doin’?”
“Oh, just thinking,” I say, smiling awkwardly. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to make sure you’re alright.”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well, seeing what Buford did to you earlier…”
“Oh, he doesn’t scare me.”
Isabella gasps. “He doesn’t?”
Seeing their smile makes me feel more confident. “What’s the worst he can do? Sit on me? He already did that and I barely felt it.”
“So you think we can go back to the playground someday?”
“I’d go back today if you guys wanted to. He’s probably gone by now anyway.”
“You’d face up to Buford?”
“Like I said, he doesn’t scare me.”
“That’s fantastic. I’ll go tell everybody.”
The moment Isabella leaves the backyard, I feel my confidence fade away and my fear returns.
I’m screwed.
I find myself piloting a spaceship towards a small planet.
“You are screwed,” the computer warns me.
“Not yet!” I argue as I make a sharp turn.
“You are a tiny sharp piece of metal twisted tightly into a hole to stick two pieces together.”
“We’ll see about that!”
I enter the planet’s atmosphere and I try to slow the ship down. Unfortunately, it doesn’t slow down fast enough, and I crash onto the planet’s surface.
I shake off my dizziness, open the hatch, and climb out.
“Now, where am I?” I wonder.
Then I run into a sign.
Welcome to Planet Sandboxxian
Population: One Big Bully
Leave Now or You’re Screwed
I activate my communicator. “Space Command, this is Captain Phineas! I’ve arrived on the designated planet and will seek out the dreaded bully monster.”
“Uh, roger that, Captain,” said Space Command. “Be careful. We lost several good men on this mission.”
“Will do, over and out.”
“Yep, he’s screwed.”
I feel my fear start to bubble up again, but I swallow it and walk on.
After a while, I find a small hill. I bring out my grappling hook and throw it at the top. The hook just bounces off and falls to the ground.
Worse, the hill in front of me isn’t a hill, but the monster I was looking for.
And I had just made him angry.
So I run back the other way. I take quick breaths, watch my step, and avoid looking back.
I eventually make it back to the ship, and I jump inside. I dig through the pile until I find my anti-gravity gun, then I pop out and point it at the monster.
“A-ha!” I shout. “Take this you intergalactic bully!”
The monster just looks at me weirdly, then starts laughing.
So I fire the gun, enveloping the monster in a green glow. After a few seconds, it floats off the ground and up into space.
I happily jump out of the ship declaring, “And once again, Captain Phineas saves the universe!”
Then I see a large shadow envelop me.
“Thought you could sneak up on me, eh?” I ask as I point the gun at whatever’s behind me.
I snap out of the dream and realize it’s just my older sister Candace.
“Oh, hey Candace,” I greet, chuckling in embarrassment. “Just playing in the old sandbox.”
“So, who did Captain Phineas vanquish today?” Candace asks me.
“Mount Buford, a big ol’ bully on a playground far, far away.”
Candace smirks. “I see. You know, Ferb told me earlier about a different bully on another playground, only one that isn’t so far away.”
I slump. “Oh, he did?”
“Why didn’t you think to tell me or Mom or Dad? We were all worried sick when you came home barely able to walk.”
“I don’t know. I guess I was just too afraid to speak up.”
Candace sits next to me. “I know the feeling. When I was your age, there was this one girl in my class who always picked on me.”
“What did you do?”
“I tried hiding from her, ignoring her, but she just kept picking on me until I finally stood up to her.”
“Really? What happened?”
“She hit me, and then I turned the other cheek. After that, I was never bothered again because she realized I wasn’t afraid of her.” Candace stands up. “Just know if you need anything, we’re here, okay?”
I don’t look at her, but I nod. “Okay.”
“Love you little bro.”
“Love you too, big sis.”
Candace goes back inside.
Then Ferb, Isabella, Django, and Baljeet come out.
“Isabella says you’re going back to the playground,” says Django.
“Well…” I try to say.
“Are you crazy?!” Baljeet interrupts. “He will kill you! What do you want to be? SOUP?!”
“He’s probably not even there anymore. He probably got bored and went home to play video games.” I get up and prepare to leave. “Well, what are you waiting for? Come on.”
The others look at each other, hesitant looks on their faces, then they follow me.
We arrive at the playground and look around. Buford is nowhere to be found.
"See, what did I tell you?" I ask the others.
We all start to cheer, but our celebration is cut short by the sound of someone clearing their throat.
We turn around to see Buford on top of the slide, looking down on all of us.
"Why, if it ain't Phineas and his pathetic friends," he remarks.
He slides down the slide. I realize too late I was standing right at the bottom, and he kicks me to the ground.
“What did you do?” he asks. “Come back for a second serving of knuckle sandwiches?”
I close my eyes, take a breath, and get back up again.
“Buford…” my voice cracks, so I clear my throat. “Buford, no one owns this playground! It’s big enough for all of us to share!”
“You tell him, Phineas!” Baljeet cheers.
“Hey, once I’m done with him, you’re next,” Buford threatens.
Baljeet steps back, whimpering like a dog.
“You’re not helping,” I whisper.
Buford gets right up in my face. “So, Dinner-Bell, who’s going to make me share MY playground?”
“I can’t make you do anything. If you’re gonna hit me again, go ahead, but what’s that gonna prove? That you’re three times bigger than me? No matter what you do, it won’t stop me.” I feel my confidence grow as I keep talking. “I’ll be back tomorrow, next day, day after that, and then you’ll have to beat me up every day because… I’m not afraid of you.”
I can see the genuine shock in Buford’s eyes.
“Or you can stay and play with us,” I offer. “There is room for everyone.”
I offer my hand. At first, I think Buford’s gonna take it, but then he just smacks it away.
“You know what I think?” he asks. “I think I’ll enjoy beating the living daylight out of you EVERY DAY!”
I feel myself get weaker as he shouts that in my face. I feel like submitting, but then Ferb stands next to me and holds my shoulder.
“Then you’ll have to beat me up too,” he says.
Then Isabella steps up and holds my other shoulder.
“And me,” they declare.
“And me!” Django adds.
“And me TOO!” Baljeet shouts, before closing his eyes and holding his breath.
With all my friends by my side, I feel confident again, and Buford is once again taken aback.
He shakes his head. “Oh, this is lame. I got bored of this lousy playground anyway. I’m going home to play video games.”
He turns around and leaves.
“Am I soup yet?” asks Baljeet.
“Open your eyes,” says Django. “We won!”
Everyone starts to cheer again, but I continue to watch as Buford walks away. He puts his hands in his pockets, kicks a nearby can, turns to look at us one more time, then he continues walking.
“Do you think he’ll ever come back?” asks Isabella.
“If he does, I hope it’s because he wants to be friends,” I reply.
They kiss my cheek, making me feel weightless.
Then they, Ferb, and I get on the swings.
“You were really brave, Phineas,” Ferb compliments.
“Well, sometimes a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do,” I shrug.
I watch as Baljeet and Django get on the merry-go-round, laughing and cheering as they spin.
And so, I swing as high as I can.
Play “I’m Robin Hood Reprise”
I grab onto a vine and swing onto a tree branch.
Me:
I swing from the trees
With the greatest of ease
I’m dashing and debonair
Baljeet and Django:
For he’s Robin Hood
He does what is good
I grab onto another vine and swing to the top of a castle.
Me:
Staying true to the straight and narrow
Django holds up a drawing of Buford and shows it to Baljeet. Baljeet is scared at first, but he stands his ground and punches a hole in the picture, shocking both of them.
Never I fear
When bullies come near
Threatening to flatten me
I stand for what’s right
I know not to fight
But show courage and bravery
I grab onto a third vine and swing to another tower, where all my friends are at.
So come with me Merry Men
And we’ll sing it all over again
I know I’m not week, turning my cheek
With the courage that comes from my friends
All:
We know we’re not week, turning our cheek
With the courage that comes from my friends
End Reprise