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Summary
Would that Ilya could express these things in English. Your anxiety is crushing you, you have always had it, even when we were kids. It makes you angry. Let me have control for a little bit, let me make your head quiet, Ilya wanted to say. He knew though, that even if he could say these things in English, Shane still wouldn't understand. He didn't understand himself, and until he did, he would never really understand what Ilya was trying to say. He would never really understand why it turned Ilya on so much to take care of him. Ilya liked being needed. He liked being wanted. And, above all, he liked being desired (what Ilya really wanted to be was loved, but that was never going to happen, and certainly not from Shane Hollander).
This fic moves through the years, Ilya’s father’s death isn’t dealt with but his mother’s suicide is discussed