Chapter Text
Tsukasa covered his eyes as more tears streamed down his face, why was he even crying? This was meant to be a happy moment…! Maybe? Was this a happy moment? Why couldn’t he tell!
“T- tsukasa..?” Rui said facing him, his face etched with concern as he wrapped his arms around his recently obtained boyfriend. “I- I’m sorry—did I come off too strong? Did something I said upset you—”
“CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP!?” Tsukasa yelled as he shoved Rui off him, looking at Rui’s confused—maybe even shocked expression as he put a hand to his mouth, what had he done?
What had he done..
What had he done..
Rui had just confessed to him…
No less than a few minutes ago…
Tsukasa’s footsteps echoed as he ran off the rooftop,
And like the stupid piece of shit he was,
he said—
—
A month ago, 8th of September, Tenma Residence,
Tsukasa blinked awake as he looked up at the ceiling, the familiar blank off white looking back at him. He yawned as he sat up in his bed, he looked over at the clock—5am. As usual, over 3 hours before school… Great, perfectly on time.
He got up out of bed as he stretched, trying to blink himself awake as he went over to the bathroom. The door opened to the bathroom with a light creak as his bare feet hit the cold tiles, a chill went through his spine as he stared down at the tiles, a single thought flashing through his head—
”You’d never do anything like that to us—our darling perfect—”
N- not there—back to his morning routine! Zoning out is not a trait of a star after all!
He took a light breath as he looked up at his reflection in the mirror, observing his what would technically be his pyjamas. He wasn’t wearing one his usual propper pyjama sets. Just a baggy old phenny T-shirt and his boxers, it wasn’t like anyone was up at 5am to force him to wear pants after all.
As he continued to brainlessly stare in the mirror he traced a finger down his arm, the skin on his arms was smooth, likewise his thighs. After all—why would he have any marks? He wasn’t the type of person to do that sort of stuff! What type of idiot would put their darkest moments on display for nothing but judgement?
And for that reason—his skin needed to remain clean and perfect, a true star can’t afford himself the luxury of being tainted! Tsukasa clipped his bangs back with exactly two star hairclips. He needed to complete his morning routine now, his perfect routine for the first 3 hours of the day that ensured the rest of it be swift calm and easy to pass through.
His hand found the metal of the tap as cold water started running, he thought back to his daily routine as he let the tap run till a decent temperature.
Firstly, he needed to wash his face and brush his teeth, then change into his exercising clothes, take his morning run, come home and stretch, complete his hygiene routine, wake up saki, change into his uniform—and if there’s time, eat breakfast.
He splashed some water over his face as the temperature warmed up, making sure to get all the nooks and crannies of his face—wherever dirt could be. The water dripping down his face felt nice, maybe it would feel even better if it were colder but this was nice. It also helped drown out his thoughts a little, he loved when his head felt nothing short of empty, the sensation feeling nothing but calming.
As the rushing water came to a stop he patted his face with his own soft towel, a star embroidered onto it as moved to continue his routine by brushing his teeth,
…. Hm, still so much more of the day to go…
—
pant—pant
Both his hands were on his knees as he caught his breath, his 4 mile jog completed, he wasn’t nearly energised enough to run today, so he went on a further jog than his usual 3 miles to make up for it.
He found it hard to stop panting as he closed his eyes, he felt weaker then usual. Maybe he’d just been thinking to much and not doing enough. Well he had been ‘doing’ but that’s not the point, he thought of so many different things during his run… Too many things.
Thinking to hard makes him sad, tired, makes him wish that things weren’t like this—that his life wasn’t this endless loop of—
He unlocked the door as he stepped inside, Tsukasa grabbed the towel on the counter, he knew it was there as he put it there almost daily, after all Tsukasa would be lying if he said he didn’t love his routines. Which made it all the more worse when—
“Tsukasa-nii?”
His whole body practically locked as his head snapped around, there was Saki—his younger sister, who was not meant to be awake at this time.
It was 6:10, he wakes saki up at 7:30, an hour before school that ensured her the most sleep time if late homework, 45 minutes to get ready and 15 minutes at the max to sleep in—as her alarms would ring at 7:45 and wake her up anyways.
Saki was not meant to be awake at 6:10, that wasn’t the routine, that was not how things were meant to go.
“Tsukasa-nii, why are you awake..? Its 6am…” she mumbled as she rubbed her eyes, her long hair over her shoulders as her eyelashes fluttered.
Tsukasa was still frozen, he hadn’t expected this, he needed those 3 hours in the morning to prepare for the rest of the day. “Why are you awake?” he said in a raspy, quieter tone she’d swear was foreign on his tongue.
He could see the twitch of unfamiliarity in her eyebrows and the hesitance in her eyes as he continued patting himself dry, “I… Uhm… Wanted to wake up early! Is that a crime?” she said with sudden defensiveness,
Tsukasa’s brows furrowed, what was she being so suddenly defensive for? “You’ve not woken up before 7 since you were 6 years old and still having nightmares, Saki. Are you going somewhere today or something?” he said without any usual cheer, the tone was giving Saki such whiplash she’d never experienced before.
“Nii-chan w- what about you then?? Your acting weird too.” she huffed with her arms crossed, still not fully downstairs.
“I was just on my morning run, I’m just a little breathless…” he muttered, Saki’s brows still furrowed, “Since when do you do morning runs—”
“Since last year , Saki.” he cut her off as he continued to pat himself dry, why was he sweating so horribly today…
As he looked up at his sister her eyes were wide, “… Last year..?” she mumbled, Tsukasa nodded as he raised an eyebrow.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone, Tsukasa?? None of us knew you were taking morning runs!” she said with her brows tightened, Tsukasa blinked in surprise. “Why? It’s not like I’m bothering anyone.” he said bluntly as Saki’s face contorted in confusion. “Y- yeah but what if something happened to you!? No one would know what happened to you—you’d be completely gone, Tsukasa! Doesn’t that scare you!?” she said with laced in concern,
“I never said I didn’t tell anyone.” he muttered as he wiped his forehead again, Saki took a deep breath to not just let a rip on him for no major reason. “Fine. I’m assuming Rui, right? Since you tell that guy more things then your own sister.” she scoffed, the phrase almost bitter but concern etched into it just as much.
Tsukasa thought back in that moment, more things then his own sister? Well—he never thought of it that way, but that he did tell Rui a ton of stuff…
“I—…”
“Yeah, I told Rui..” he said as he wrapped the towel around his neck, Saki scoffed in mock anger at that. “Yeah of course right? It’d honestly be a treat to see the level of questioning he’d be under if you ever went missing, you probably even tell him your shower thoughts…”
She sighed as she went to the kitchen, “Speaking of showers, go and take one, ok? Your sweating a lot…”
He nodded as he took his running shoes off, putting them in the shoe closet as he went upstairs with the towel wrapped around his shoulders.
Why did this throw him off so much? It’s just Saki, his dear little sister, of course she’d be worried about him acting so weird—
The door creaked as Tsukasa began to take off his sweaty exercise shirt, admiring how lean his stature was getting as he took off his shorts next. Honestly ever since he’d started the running thing last year his previous wide body practically melting off him ever since he started this, leaving him more like a thin pole then the thick square shape he used to be.
Rui was always pestering him about how he didn’t like seeing Tsukasa’s V lines so prominent but, honestly? He prefers this shape compared to how thick he used to be, such a slender form fits that of a star, no? After all, who cares about what Rui says? Many more girls are checking him out and talking to him and his parents have never been happier about the way he looks, so ‘fit’ for 17—
Cold.
Tsukasa turned the shower knob as the cold water hit his skin, why was the water so cold today anyways? First the sink, now this! Far to many things have been going off plan today, it’s not like he was turning the knob differently then he usually did and yet—the water is so cold… Likewise, it’s not like he’d started his day off differently then usual and yet his thoughts are being so much louder than usual. Not to mention the Saki thing, maybe she’s dressing up all nice for school to go out with some boy afterwards… His parents would probably praise her for already being interested in boys and tell her all the necessary precautions to avoid getting pregnant—and how they’d love to meet him—and how supportive they’ll be—and the big dinner they’ll cook—and all the-
Ah there it was, the soap, perfect. At least that was following order, Tsukasa(司) did mean in some form to lead, so at least the soap was following his plan of normalcy today. He liked that thought.
Tsukasa squirted the soap into his palm, watching it bubble as he rubbed his hands, he liked bow the sensation distracted him from his restless thoughts… Those sinful thoughts of going against order—
Tsukasa rubbed the soap over every inch of himself, making sure he was thoroughly clean as he rinsed himself off, shampooing his hair next.
He liked shampooing his hair, then he’d brush it while it’s wet, blow dry it properly to obtain the proper Tenma Tsukasa look—a look that’s brought blush to many pretty, soft, female features. And even if he’d seen that same light flush to male ones—that’s their disease to heal from, not his problem to deal with—
Tsukasa stepped out the shower as he wrapped a towel around his waist, once again admiring his appearance in the mirror. He truly was a beauty to look at for others, he almost felt envious~
Now, the next step for his hygiene routine, skincare. Tsukasa got out his moisturiser, cleanser, serum and sun cream as he lined them all up in a neat—perfect little line. First using the moisturiser, then the cleanser, patting his face with a towel as he pressed exactly half of the serum on each cheek, a perfect total of one use of the pump worth as he patted it in.
As he was about to cream his face when a voice came from downstairs interrupting his routine—”Nii-chann!! I made breakfast come down soon!!” Tsukasa grimaced at the interruption, “Y- yeah Saki I’ll be down soon…” he said quieter then usual—not exactly his usual voice projection that would be associated with him…
But that act starts after he finishes his morning routine.
He took out his hairbrush as he began to style his hair, blow drying it top to bottom—not bottom to top as it slowly fluffed up just how he liked it, falling exactly how it was meant to be as he blow dried all the right parts of it, even using the special hairbrush of his to do so.
Tsukasa smiled in the mirror as he looked at his almost perfect hair, of course nothing could truly be perfect so what was the point of calling anything that? Instead, everything was surely measured by who had more imperfections then other and the thing with the least would be considered the greatest. People merely rounding it to perfect, unable to describe what actually makes it perfect, because that’s true perfection right? Perfection in the eyes of others—
Ah. Now that’s enough thinking! What’s up with him today, thinking to hard makes you miserable. Something truly unfitting of a star, after all what’s the point of being a flawless intelect without a winning smile to match~
Tsukasa gripped the wooden railing as he walked up to his bedroom, making sure the blinds were closed as he began to put on his uniform.
The feel of his trousers—tight against his legs made him feel weirdly restrained, nevermind that though—that suffocating feeling felt nothing short of familiar in his body.
He buttoned up his shirt as he made sure to tuck it into his trousers, getting out that familiar belt with the silver star buckle and threading it through his trousers—the only somewhat unique accessory he ever wore. The only part of his personal desires that slipped, after all, Rui had bought him this belt, saying he saw it in Shibuya Mall and couldn’t help but think of him.
Since then, Tsukasa had not gone to school a day without wearing it since, even his parents had asked about it, of course he didn’t elaborate beyond it being a gift from a friend, and they didn’t pry further. He can still feel his mothers eyes uncomfortably on his hips whenever he wears it, but he likes the belt too much to simply discard it.
He lastly layered on his yellow cardigan and white socks as he went downstairs, Saki still in her pyjamas having not even started to get changed at 6:50 as she took another bite of her toast, scrolling on her phone with a giggle every now and again.
She was probably texting someone but Tsukasa didn’t even ask about it, he saw Saki every day and they spent most of their childhood together—he has no reason to be feeling any way towards her talking to someone else—
“Your toast’s on the side,” She said as she had seemingly already realised he was there,
“Thank you my dear sister!” Tsukasa chirped, the act back on as his morning time was cut off early, Saki probably wouldn’t take it well if he was quiet, and after all it would be catastrophic if Saki decided something was off and told their parents!
“Hehe~ I guess your feeling better now onii-chan?” she said with a smile as she looked back up at him, Tsukasa wanted to shake his head but he nodded, “Why yes of course, my morning energy was simply low! I’m sure you can understand my little slip up!” he said with a hand once again to his chest, Saki smiled at the gesture.
Tsukasa’s eyes drifted over to the counter, he picked up his breakfast as he put on the table. It was french toast! But… Already cold cold, the cream had already soaked into the bread, the uneven patches of soggy dampness looking almost like mold.
“Ah… I guess melted a little… I can’t say I didn’t tell you to come down~” Saki teased as he smiled almost hesitantly, “I- Its ok I appreciate the sole fact you put such effort in to cook for me!” he smiled as he looked down at the food.
This looked so fattening.
So soggy.
So disgusting.
But it’d be so unlike him to turn down his sisters food—but god it made him want to throw up, he’d just been kn his run. He didn’t want a high calorie breakfast like this. He didn’t ask for breakfast, he likes eating a nice big lunch at school—not this… Nausea inducing bread…
God what if it ruined his whole day and he threw it all up and couldn’t eat lunch and couldn’t perform with his troupe, and couldn’t—
He cut some of the bread as he popped it in his mouth, chewing it as he tried not to grimace, the thing tasting exactly how he thought it would… Disgusting.
His expression tightened as he tried to take another bite, yet he just couldn’t swallow it.
The disgusting mixture of saliva and the soggy toast on his tongue as he making him nauseous as he quickly spat it out into the palm of his
“O- oh…” Saki said stunned as he outright spat it out, “I guess it wasn’t great then..?” she said with a downcasted look, “N- no it’s not that I just wasn’t in the mood for something sweet—!” he rambled as Saki cut in, “Tsukasa, you just spat it out, It’s ok to say you didn’t like it?” she said with a confused look, “It was soggy and made a little over 20 minutes ago, it’s fine if you didn’t like it. Just make sure you eat something later.” she said with a thoughtful expression, “I’ll make sure of it Saki!” he said as he got up from the table,
“Do you, uhm, want this? Or should I throw it away?” he asked, gesturing to the barely eaten toast, Saki giggled “Well, you know how dad loves his sweet treats~ I’m sure he’d love something sweet for breakfast! Just make sure to wrap it up!”
Tsukasa nodded with a smile as he took the toast over to the counter, wrapping some clingfilm around the plate and toast as he got a sticky note out,
” For dad — Saki made this french toast with whipped cream for breakfast! It is a bit soggy so make sure to reheat it! And put fruit on it! you can't avoid fruits forever, I made sure there was strawberries when I did the shopping! :) “
Tsukasa put it on top of the clingfilm as he slid the plate into the fridge,
“Alright well, I think I’ll get going now!” he said as he walked over to the front door, “But nii-chan its barely 7?? Doesn’t Kamiyama school start at 8:30?”
“Hmm, well everyone arrives around 7:30 but I usually stay longer to wake you up at 7:30 and catch the metro after!” he replied as he got his blazer of the coat hanger, “But classes do start at 8:15!”
Saki raised an eyebrow, “Why do you want to be there 45 minutes early??” she questioned, “I—uhm, like being early, you know me Saki!”
“Uh-huh, ok Nii-chan. See you later then..?” she said almost hesitantly, “See you my dear sister!” he waved as he slipped his shoes on, fixing up his blazer and grabbing his neatly prepared school bag as the door clicked shut.