Chapter Text
Shiro couldn’t breathe. He was in the arena, facing off against a monster of an opponent. Some gladiators were put in the ring against their will, but this one’s battle lust was tangible. It wanted blood, and blood it had gotten. Razor-like spikes adorning long appendages had sliced their way across Shiro’s ribs; rows of sharp teeth had torn into his arm.
The huge creature was powerful, but Shiro was faster, and he managed to get some hits in. Eventually, he was able to pierce clean through its heart, the organ pulsating visibly beneath its skin. But after Shiro let his guard down, head swimming from the thunderous cheers of the audience and dizzy from blood loss, the creature rose from the dead and slashed deep into his back. It struck him in the chest with its heavy tail, knocking the air from his lungs and immobilizing him. Its dozens of eyes all locked onto him and gleamed, its spiked appendage raised, ready to end him.
“Shiro? Shiro, look out!”
The enormous creature’s spiky limb smashed into the Black Lion, knocking it from the air. The jolt brought Shiro out of his flashback and back to the present as his body slammed into the control panel. The beast had been enhanced, but it was the same on the inside. Two hearts. They had to take out both of the monster’s hearts. They couldn’t let their guard down. But he was still in panic mode, and before he could catch his breath to form words, another appendage came crashing down, smashing the Black Lion into the ground. Pain exploded behind Shiro's eyes, and then everything went dark.
When Shiro woke, he was surrounded. His heart started racing for a moment before realizing that the faces around him were familiar. Friends. Pidge, Hunk, Lance, Allura, and Coran had all rushed to his side the moment the healing pod had opened. He moaned, disoriented and exhausted, pressing a hand to his head. “What… what happened?”
“I’d like to ask you the same question,” Allura said, slipping an arm under his to support him. Her words were direct, but her tone was gentle.
“I…” He paused as he glanced again at the people surrounding him. Someone was missing. “Keith? Where’s-“ he stopped as he saw a figure inside the healing pod next to the one he’d just come out of. Blood seeped through the white uniform. The colour drained from Shiro’s face.
“Don’t worry. Keith will be alright,” Allura assured him.
“What-“
“The monster,” Hunk explained, “It- it was down. Like, down. After you were hit, Keith burned a hole straight through its heart. But then, when he got out of his Lion to go get you…”
“It pulled a Lazarus,” Lance finished.
“Keith managed to get the Black Lion to lower its shield to let him in, but before he could get inside, the monster attacked him,” Pidge said. “We thought the battle was over. None of us expected it to get back up after its heart had been blown out.”
Shiro felt sick to his stomach. Had Allura not been supporting him, he was sure his knees would have given out. “Are you alright, Shiro? Would you like to sit down?” she asked. He managed to nod.
Allura guided him to the couch, keeping her arm around him even after they sat down. Pidge sat on his other side, a little closer than usual, making just enough physical contact to keep her presence known. The others joined, leaning in close.
Shiro took in a shaky breath. “I could have prevented this."
“And how’s that?" Allura asked. "What happened out there, Shiro?”
“I… I had a flashback,” he said, “fighting that monster. I’d fought it before, back in the arena. I remembered that it had two hearts. That after taking it down, it would wait until your guard was down to attack again. I knew that. I should have warned you all, but when I get these- these flashbacks I just… freeze…” He looked down. “If- if I hadn’t frozen, if I’d remembered sooner…”
“Shiro,” Allura interrupted, gripping his shoulder tighter. “It’s alright. Keith is going to be fine. He’ll be out soon enough.”
“You should get some rest in the meantime, man,” Lance said. “Healing in those pods takes a lot out of a guy. You look beat.”
Shiro looked over at Keith again. The wounds under the suit were no longer bleeding; the expression on his face seemed peaceful enough. There was nothing Shiro could do for him right now. “Okay,” he relented, voice quiet.
He didn’t need Allura’s assistance walking back to his room, but she kept at his side, accompanying him.
“Shiro,” she said tentatively when they reached his door. “I’ve been thinking... There may be a way that we can help you to regain your memories faster. It could potentially help in combat situations, and… it might be a way of confronting the trauma you’ve experienced,” she said, careful with her words.
“I’m listening,” he said. She had his full attention.
“I’ve been hesitant to suggest it, since it would be extremely difficult on you, not to mention invasive. But it sounds as if not being able to remember things and then having these flashbacks in the heat of battle is... problematic, to say the least. Do you recall the technology aboard the Castle that was used to store my father’s memories and extract Sendak’s?”
“Of course,” he nodded. There was no way he could forget.
“Well, theoretically, we could extract your memories using the same technology. Your memories, even if you can’t access them all yet, they’re written in here somewhere,” she said, touching her fingertips to his temples. “So we could record them, and then you – we, if you wish – could look through them. They could be replayed in the room my father’s AI was held in.”
He swallowed. Quite frankly, the thought of confronting his memories terrified him. His mind had kept them locked away for a reason, and even snippets of them left him trembling. But this could be helpful. If he had remembered sooner, Keith wouldn’t be in a healing pod right now. That and he really did need to deal with this trauma. He didn’t like the label, ‘trauma’, didn’t like how broken it made him feel, but that was what it was. If he was going to address it, he needed to accept what had happened, and to accept what had happened, he needed to remember.
“Okay,” he breathed. “Let’s try it.”
She nodded. “Alright. First get some rest. Then just let me know whenever you’re ready, whether that’s tomorrow or days from now. In your own time. And know that it is entirely understandable if you decide not to do this after all.”
“Alright,” he nodded. “Thank you, Princess.”
“Sleep well, Shiro,” she said, putting her hands on his shoulders and giving him a kind smile before walking away.
He opened the door to his room and lay down in his bed. He turned the idea over and over in his mind before finally finding sleep.
Shiro jolted awake, gasping for breath and in a cold sweat. Another nightmare. The details were hazy, he couldn’t recall what exactly had happened in his dream, but he could still feel residual emotions - pain and loss and fear. He tried to focus on his breathing to calm himself down, but he knew there was no going back to sleep.
The nightmares were getting worse and more frequent, and as the days went by, he was sleeping less and less. He couldn’t go on like this, not while maintaining his duties. He got out of bed and went to find Allura.
He found her in the common area conversing with Coran, with whom she had no doubt discussed her idea. “Allura? ...I’m ready.”
She studied him, taking in his appearance. “You’ve barely rested.”
“I tried,” he said, sure she could guess what had followed. The way his shirt was clinging to him, soaked with sweat, was probably a good clue.
“…Are you certain you want to do this right now?”
He nodded. “I can’t sleep. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, and I need to do this.”
She and Coran exchanged a glance before speaking.
“Alright then,” Coran said. “This way, Paladin.”
Anxiety crept up on him as he entered the pod. The pod reminded him of Sendak, and he couldn’t help but think of how this experience would be one more thing he and Sendak had in common. It also stirred up other unpleasant memories, hazy as they were - he couldn't remember very well, but he knew some of the experiments that the druids had conducted on him had involved pods like this one. His heart lurched as the door shut, trapping him in the glass.
Shiro was sick of feeling panic. He felt it most days now, nearly every night. He was so tired of not being able to breathe, of the dizzy sensation of his heart racing, of the feeling of cold sweat on his skin. Fear had become so familiar to him, but it never got easier to swallow.
“Shiro, are you alright?” Allura asked, her voice muffled from outside the glass.
“F-fine,” he stammered. “I’m fine. Keep going.”
“Just try to relax,” Coran said. Shiro tried hard to focus on slowing his breath, on releasing the tension in his muscles that had gone rigid. “That’s it,” Coran coaxed. “Now you’re going to be knocked out for a bit while we extract your memories and record them. Try to keep your mind open. Don’t resist now, just let go.”
“A-alright,” Shiro said, trying to concentrate on his breathing. In. And out.
“We’ll be right here,” Allura said. “You can do this. You’ll be fine.” And then her voice started to fade and his heavy eyelids closed. He let her words echo in his head as he was put under.
Shiro stumbled out of the glass pod, limbs heavy and head foggy, but someone was there to catch him. The other paladins surrounded him, having joined Allura and Coran. The arms steadying him were familiar, and he realized the one who had caught him was Keith.
Shiro righted himself but he didn’t let go. He breathed, relieved. “Keith. I’m so glad you’re alright.”
Keith gave him a small smile. “It’s good to see you’re okay too. You weren’t responding in your Lion back there; you had us all worried.”
“I’m so sorry." Shiro bowed his head. “You were hurt because of me. I should have-“
“It’s okay, Shiro," Keith said, cutting him off. "It's not your fault, and really. I’m okay. Everything turned out fine." His voice left no room for argument. He turned to the glass tube Pidge was pressed up against, enthralled. In it floated the micro-storage strands Shiro's memories had been written on. Keith gestured to it. “So, uh, this…”
Shiro nodded, catching the attention of the rest of the paladins. “Listen up, everyone. As you can see, Allura and Coran have been working to extract my memories. For the next little while, I’m going to be looking through them to see if I can find any useful information. I don’t know how long it’ll take, but it could be a few days, maybe more. In the meantime, I want you to keep up with your training. Keith, you’re in charge.”
The other paladins let out a collective groan as Keith smirked. “You can’t be serious!” Lance whined.
Pidge grumbled with the others, but then a thoughtful frown crossed her face. “Shiro, are you sure you want to be looking through your memories?”
“Hm? I thought you of all people would want me to, Pidge,” Shiro said. “There might be something in my memories that could give us a clue as to the whereabouts of your family.”
“Well, yeah, I do want that, but… you’re like my family too,” Pidge said, shyly. “And I need to be sure you’re going to be okay.”
“I’ll be fine, Pidge. Promise,” he said, giving her a small smile. He turned to Allura and Coran. “Is it ready to use?”
“Yes, the room’s been set up,” Coran nodded.
“Then let’s go,” he said, jaw set. He glanced at the rest of the paladins. “I’ll see you in a bit.”
“Shiro?” It was Keith. He shifted with discomfort when all eyes turned to him, but he continued anyway. “Um, just… we’re here for you. If you need us.”
“And even if you don’t,” Hunk added.
Shiro couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks, guys.”
Shiro stepped into a prison cell, where a hologram of himself was huddled in the corner. Everything in the room looked and sounded and felt so real. All that was missing was the scent of blood. His heart was pounding already.
Coran explained the controls. “You can speed things up with this button here, and you can skip through memories entirely with this one. This one will shut it down, and this one'll start it back up again."
“Thank you, Coran.”
“Just holler if you need anything,” Coran said, and with a curt nod, he left the room.
Allura turned to him. “Shiro, would you like me to stay?” she asked.
“That’s alright. But thank you, Princess,” he said.
She nodded and put a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t push yourself too hard. Stop when you need to,” she told him kindly but firmly. And then he was left alone in the room.
Shiro closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and braced himself.