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Lying on the roof of the diner in the middle of the night, staring up at the stars in silence next to your family, it gets your mind wandering. Usually, after an hour or so, Poison would break the comfortable silence with a wild new idea, or Kobra would begin to ponder the meaning of life. This time, it was the girl that interrupted the quiet night with a question of her own.
"Why am I a girl?"
Everyone lay still for a moment, processing what she had just said, until Poison let out a long sigh.
"That's a difficult question, Bug."
Bug frowned. "Why?"
Poison turned their head to the side to look at the kid lying next to them. "'Cause I guess there's no real reason," they shrugged. "You're a girl 'cause you say you are."
Bug’s brows furrowed and a small pout appeared on her lips. “I thought I’s born a girl.”
“Well,” Poison sighed, and Kobra silently chuckled at them. “You were, but that don’t mean nothin’.”
Bug listened carefully, and then pulled out her favourite question; “Why?”
“Why?” Poison echoed, glancing at their teammates for a little bit of help. Jet stayed flat on her back, gazing up at the stars with a smirk on her face. Ghoul stayed comfortably tucked under Poison’s arm, half asleep and not uttering a word, and Kobra only winked.
“Cuz,” Poison shrugged. “Your body don’t make the rules, your brain does. Like,” they shifted slightly. “I was born a boy, y’know.”
“But,” Bug rolled onto her side to face Poison. “You’s not a boy, you’s a Poison.”
“Yeah,” Poison nodded, a proud grin creeping up on them. “I knew I wasn’t a boy, so I changed that.”
At this, Bug shot upright and stared down at Poison with wide, curious eyes. “You can change it!?” She exclaimed, and Kobra laughed out loud at her excitement.
“Fuck yeah, you can change it,” Poison chuckled. “It don’t matter what you were born as, Bug. You can change it to whatever feels right.”
Bug caught Kobra sitting up slowly and nodding his head to agree with Poison. Bug glanced at the blonde boy eagerly and asked, “Was you born a boy?”
Before Kobra could open his mouth, Poison jumped back in and said, “You don’t ask folks that question, Bug.”
“Why?”
“Because s’ private, baby,” Poison said softly. “You don’t get to butt in on other ‘Joy’s privacy.”
“Oh,” Bug frowned. “M’ sorry.”
“S’ okay, ya didn’t know, but now ya do,” Poison reassured her. “S’ good to learn these things, babes.”
Bug nodded her head slowly, clearly disappointed, but she accepted the life lesson before Kobra cleared his throat.
“I was—shit—born a girl,” he answered to ease Bug’s curiosity. Her little mouth fell open with a soft gasp. It wasn’t rude, it was sheer innocence and fascination.
Jet rolled over and pushed herself up into a sitting position. She grabbed her little sister from behind, pulling Bug into her lap. “Watcha thinkin’, Ladybug?” Jet asked, pressing her lips against Bug’s cheek.
Bug squirmed as Jet hugged her, adjusting herself until she could look up at her sister’s face. Jet could sense her calculating some childlike logic and giggled quietly.
“Yeah Bug, I transitioned, too,” Jet answered Bug’s unspoken question. “I been knowin’ I’m a girl since I was your age.”
Bug nodded. “S’ good, I don’t think I wanna brother.”
“Hey!” Kobra pouted, making Bug burst out into a fit of giggles.
“Any other questions, baby?” Poison asked, and Bug nodded.
“Does everyone change they gender!?” She asked, and Poison replied with a simple shake of their head. “But all of you’s did…” Bug pondered.
“Almost,” Jet grinned softly.
“Yeah, Ghoulie’s the only one left,” Kobra teased as his head jerked back with a quiet grunt. Poison giggled and petted Ghoul’s head softly. The black haired boy shifted, coming back to reality after he seemingly fell asleep in Poison’s embrace.
“Our token cis,” Jet smirked.
“What?” Ghoul lifted his head and stared at Jet with an unreadable expression on his face.
“Jus’ teachin’ Bug about gender,” Poison smiled proudly as they brushed Ghoul’s sleep-matted hair out of his face with their fingertips.
“Oh,” Ghoul muttered. A small frown pulled at the corners of his mouth, just enough for Poison to take notice. But before they could mention it, Jet pulled the attention back on Bug.
“You jus’ curious, Bug?” She asked. “Or are ya askin’ ‘cause yer feelin' a certain way?”
Bug took this into consideration for a moment, falling deep into thought before deciding, “No. I feel like a girl. S’ okay?”
“F’course,” Jet kissed the top of her head firmly. “Yer perfect no matter what, girlie.”
“An’ if that changes, s’ aight, too,” Poison leaned over and tapped the tip of Bug's nose with their finger, making her giggle. "We will love ya all the same."
Bug happily started to ramble about something else that was on her mind, changing the subject and leaving the gender conversation to rest. Her family kept her entertained, trying to tire her out so she'd eventually fall asleep for the night. She was wrapped up in Jet's warm embrace, listening to stories Poison told her, with Kobra's occasional two cents.
Ghoul curled back into Poison's side and pretended to fall asleep. Poison knew better. They could tell by the pattern of Ghoul's breaths that he wasn't really sleeping. They didn't bother him about it, though, and just pressed a soft kiss into his hair.
Over the next couple of days, Ghoul pulled back from the rest of the crew. He busied himself with solo supply runs, picking up any mission Doc had for him. When he was home, he secluded himself to the shop to work on whatever new project he could come up with.
Poison didn’t blame him. Living in a cramped diner with three other Killjoys and a child could make anyone lose their mind eventually. There wasn’t anything wrong with Ghoul needing some space, even if he was usually clingy by nature. Poison elected not to bother Ghoul whenever it became obvious he needed some alone time.
They were minding their own business in their room reading an old comic book when Ghoul suddenly appeared in the doorway.
“I don’t wanna be yer token.”
Poison put the comic down and stared up at him curiously. “What?”
Ghoul huffed and kicked the door shut before marching over to Poison's bed. He dropped down onto the mattress hard enough to shake Poison, causing them to sit up straight.
"That other night," Ghoul continued. "Y'all were teachin' Buggie some things an' ya said I was yer token."
Poison had to think for a second, chewing on their lip, before they remembered what Ghoul was talking about. "Oh, what Jet said?" They asked, and Ghoul nodded. "Ghoul, it was jus' a joke. She didn't mean no harm. It's okay to be cis, y'know," they laughed softly at the absurdity of assuring someone that not being trans wasn't wrong.
But Ghoul took their laughter as something more cruel. "Neva'mind," he grumbled. "S' stupid, forget I said anythin'," he stood up to leave.
"Hey, wait," Poison reached out and caught Ghoul's wrist. "What's goin' on? Talk to me," they pleaded, making Ghoul sit down again.
"I just," Ghoul inhaled sharply. "I dunno, I jus' hate it sometimes when y'all say Imma man."
His nails were scratching at his face; a new nervous habit he'd picked up recently. Poison carefully pulled his hands away from the metal on his face and gently held them as they asked, "Are you not a man, Ghoulie?"
Ghoul didn't move. He let his hands lay limp in Poison's. "No, I am…maybe, I think…I don' fuckin' know—"
"Take your time," Poison said softly, offering a reassuring smile. They both shifted to get more comfortable, leaning against the wall behind Poison's bed. Ghoul swung his legs over Poison's lap while keeping their hands connected, and rested his head on their shoulder.
"Jet an' Kobes both did a total one-eighty, y'know? Which is metal, but I know I ain't a girl, aight? An' then there's you, jus' hangin' out in between an' it's one a' my favourite things about ya, but that ain't me too."
Poison idly turned Ghoul's hands over in their lap, examining the tattoos that they'd analysed a thousand times over. "We're not the only three options, y'know that, right? Who said ya gotta be like us?"
"No one," Ghoul muttered. "But I don' know—"
"Stop tellin' me what you don't know an' start tellin' me what you do know," Poison interrupted, leaning their cheek against Ghoul's head.
Ghoul nodded and exhaled heavily. "I like bein' yer boyfriend, Pois. An' I like it when ya call me yer boyfriend," he started, and Poison squeezed his hands encouragingly. "I like that I look strong, an' that I feel strong enough to protect y'all. I like that me an' Kobes are the only guys in the diner, s' like he's my brother, too, y'know?"
"But…?" Poison asked, knowing that it was coming.
Nervously, Ghoul turned to press his face into Poison's bicep. "But I hate bein' a man," he mumbled bitterly. "Makes me think a' the way my dad wanted me to be a 'real man' from the second I could fuckin' walk. He'd get mad when I cried 'cause it wasn't manly enough."
Poison sighed and freed their right hand to start combing through the hair on the back of Ghoul's head. The soothing gesture was like a silent apology.
"The lab ain't different," Ghoul continued. "I was always s'posed to 'man up' an' be some emotionless brick like all the other guys workin' for the Director."
"None of those things make ya more or less of a man," Poison assured him, feeling a lot of deja vu from the day Kobra came out to them years ago. "S' what we told Bug, right? You are what you say you are."
"I dunno what I am," Ghoul grumbled like there was acid on his tongue.
"Ghoul, look at me," Poison shook their shoulder to force Ghoul's head up. "You're seventeen. Some folks don't have all the answers 'til they're in their forties. You don't gotta know right now, 'kay?"
Ghoul shifted, stretching out his back. "I feel stuck."
"I know that feelin'," Poison nodded. "We can work on it. We'll try out a bunch of new things until we find somethin' that makes you feel unstuck."
Ghoul's eye narrowed. "What new things?"
Poison shrugged. "We can start with switchin' up the pronouns. Do you still like 'he'?"
"Oh yeah, totally," Ghoul nodded, and Poison smiled.
"Great. 'She'?"
His eyes widened. "Nope, no, no, no," Ghoul shook his head frantically, making Poison laugh. "Not a she."
"Got it. Not a she," Poison giggled. "How 'bout 'they'? Like me."
"Uh," Ghoul shrugged. "Maybe?"
"Okay," Poison nodded again proudly. "That's good, Ghoulie. Real good."
Tension released from Ghoul's shoulders. He gave Poison a lopsided grin that made their heart flutter.
"If you wanna change anythin', Ghoul, s' okay," Poison took Ghoul's face in their hands, thumbing over his cheek bones. "It don't matter what changes 'bout you. Nothin' is ever gonna change 'bout us, got it?"
"Got it," Ghoul echoed. He pressed a chaste kiss to Poison's lips that made them both smile.
The following weeks were filled with exploration for Ghoul. Poison discovered that Ghoul's whole care-free vibe he had going on was genuinely out of carelessness. It's not that he didn't want to try new things, or that he was too scared to, he just literally didn't care enough to bother.
"Y'know you're allowed to wear makeup, too, y'know?" Poison asked from where they sat in front of the cracked mirror on their bedroom floor. Ghoul had been sitting on their bed behind them, watching in awe as they painted their face for a party later that night.
"Yeah," Ghoul shrugged. "Just seems like a lotta work."
Poison snorted. "Get over here, dumbass."
After that, Poison and Jet both let Ghoul borrow their makeup from time to time, showing him different options. He hated most of it, but he liked the way Jet's black eyeliner made him look. She had to start hiding it from him, or else Ghoul would take it and forget to give it back.
Ghoul easily slipped back into his usual self, hanging with the team more often instead of isolating himself again. He was back to annoying Kobra until they were wrestling on the floor, taking Bug out on adventures, helping Jet on supply runs, and clinging to Poison like they were attached at the hip.
It was even Ghoul's idea to crash the party that Show Pony was hosting in the parking lot outside of the old roller rink.
"Don' forget that we gotta help move the kids outta they motel tomorrow mornin'," Jet reminded the crew. She had her feet up on the dash in the front seat while Poison drove. "Nobody's gettin' high off they ass and doin' some dumb shit tonight, 'kay?" She asked, whipping around to stare pointedly at Ghoul.
"What?" Ghoul asked innocently, making Kobra laugh.
"Please," Poison rolled their eyes at Jet. "Y'know Ghoulie. They've never taken no for an answer."
Jet argued, bickering back and forth with Ghoul and getting Kobra to side with her. The noise was familiar, it sounded like home. Nobody acknowledged Poison switching up on Ghoul's pronouns, but the redhead caught Ghoul's conflicted eyes in the rearview mirror.
That night, Poison stumbled into Ghoul's bed instead of their own. They snuggled up under his arm with their head on his chest, expecting to fall asleep instantly.
Instead, Ghoul muttered, "I don' think I'm likin' the pronoun thing."
"Okay," Poison hummed. "Worth a shot." They leaned up and kissed Ghoul's jaw.
Poison was alone in the diner all day long. They were bored out of their mind and had a couple of cans of paint, so they decided that all of the diner's tables needed to be covered in cactus flowers.
They were cleaning themself up when Ghoul got home. He burst into the diner, bubbling with excitement, and threw himself at Poison.
"It," he said, wrapping his arms around their waist.
Poison blinked rapidly, startled, and weakly reciprocated the hug before asking, "What?"
"It," Ghoul repeated.
"What's it?"
"I'm it!" Ghoul pointed at himself. "Think about it, Red! I gots so many parts in me that ain't human. My legs ain't real, I gots metal 'round my heart, I gots this eye that 'm still not sure how it works," he said, motioning at the cyborg parts that replaced his left eye. "I ain't no man. I'm this… fuckin' thing. Wit' a fucked up body an' brain."
Poison frowned. "You're still human, Ghoul."
"Yeah, but half the time I don't feel like one," Ghoul shook its head, still smiling. "I don't wanna be a 'she' or a 'they' or whateva'. I mean, I still like 'he', so maybe keep that shit up, but I can also be it!"
For the first time in a while, Ghoul's smile reached his real eye. Poison beamed back at it, pulling it in for another hug.
"M' proud of you, Ghoulie," they kissed its cheek.
"Thanks, Red."