Work Text:
Dear Jihun,
I don't know if you'll ever read this letter, but the internet said it would be good for me to write it.
I want to apologize. I'm too clingy and competitive. I close off when things get hard because I don't know what to say or do. I understand why you broke up with me. I’m sure there’s more reasons, because I wouldn't want to date me either.
Despite my failings, I still love you. You weren't my first boyfriend, but you were the first I said "I love you" to, but love wasn't enough to make you stay.
I wish that you'd have given me a chance to be better.
I'll miss you,
Jungkook
Lifting the pen from the page, there's a weight squeezing Jungkook’s heart. Even writing his feelings down isn’t good enough. No wonder Jihun left him for someone else.
Tears gather in Jungkook's eyes, and he quickly folds up the letter. It will be embarrassing if he gives Jihun a tear-stained note. He stuffs the letter into the mesh pocket of his backpack. He probably won't deliver it, but the thought of doing so gives him hope. Like he'll grow as a person by sharing this shameful part of himself.
Jungkook turns off his desk light and crawls into bed. Sleeping has been the hardest since Jihun dumped him. They were together for fifteen months, and Jungkook got used to having someone next to him a few nights each week. Now there's too much space in his bed.
"Shit, I'm late," Jungkook mutters, rushing about his room. His shift at the cafe starts in thirty minutes, and it takes twenty-five to bike there. He swings his backpack over his shoulder and rushes down the hall so fast that he clips the corner into the living room.
"Whoa, are you okay?" A deep voice comes from the couch.
Jungkook's roommate, Yoongi, is drinking coffee and scrolling on his phone. They've lived together for two years, but they aren’t very close. As an evening radio DJ, their work schedules are so opposite that they are hardly home at the same time. Jungkook doubts the older man has gone to bed yet.
"I'm fine," Jungkook insists.
Yoongi gives him a concerned frown. "Be careful. It doesn't matter how late you are if you have an accident on your way to work."
"Thanks, hyung," Jungkook says with a bashful smile before slipping into his boots and going out the door.
When he gets to the cafe, Jungkook realizes the letter is missing. He’s disappointed he won't be able to give it to Jihun, but also relieved. The note feels silly and self-indulgent in the light of day.
Rather than dwell on the lost letter that probably flew out of his bag as he sped through the city, Jungkook focuses on work. The routine of putting together drink orders is soothing. The familiar recipes with pumps of syrups, frothy milk, and poured shots. There's no guesswork and Jungkook is good at it. He particularly likes making latte art because it brings people joy, even if the art itself doesn't last long.
By the time Jungkook gets home that afternoon, Yoongi is gone.
Out of idle curiosity, Jungkook glances around the apartment to see if his letter fell out before he left, but there's no sign of it.
The letter is gone. The point of the exercise is to release his feelings. Then why doesn't Jungkook feel any better? Jungkook is left alone with his thoughts in the empty apartment.
Evenings are particularly lonely because those were the moments Jihun occupied. He would come over after getting off at the restaurant where he hosted with leftover food. They'd cuddle on the couch and watch television. Or play video games and drink. They’d make love in Jungkook’s bed even if Jihun couldn't stay the whole night.
Slowly, Jungkook became a burden on Jihun's time. Jihun wasn't able to see his friends or go out if Jungkook wanted to see him. Jungkook volunteered to go with Jihun, but his boyfriend insisted it wasn’t as fun with him there.
Jungkook curls up in a corner of the couch with a bowl of ramen, unable to find something to watch. There’s a series he and Jihun started that Jungkook isn't sure he'll ever finish alone. He doesn't even want to play his favorite video games because they make him think of Jihun.
Instead, he picks a reality show neither of them would have watched and becomes one with the couch for the rest of the evening. When he can’t stand to watch anymore, he cleans up after himself so that Yoongi comes home to a clean apartment. It's part of how they are considerate to one another.
By the time Jungkook finishes his nightly routine and crawls into bed, all the distractions are gone. Alone in the dark, his mind drifts to Jihun. The way his ex would hold him close as they dozed after sex. The times Jihun showed up at Jungkook's door with flowers. His cheeks grow damp as tears stream down his face.
He tries to stick to happy memories, but it never lasts. The images of a smiling Jihun morph to Jihun not even looking at Jungkook as he shakes off his hand out in public. The way Jihun sighs anytime Jungkook asks why he’s canceling their plans. The dozens of unanswered texts only to be told Jungkook texts too much the next time Jihun visits. The way their date nights out became date nights in, then late night hook-ups.
Jungkook clutches his pillow to his chest and cries harder because—despite the number of times he's washed it—it still smells like Jihun. Sobs rack his chest, and he groans into the pillow, trying to silence the grief ripping out of his throat.
His friends reassured him that it would get better with time. So why does it feel like it's only getting worse? Right after the break up, Jimin and Taehyung would hold him through these fits. They consoled him by telling him to let it all out, but his pain is a bottomless pit. They’d be disappointed in him.
His lungs burn like he can't get enough air. The worst thing that could happen has passed and Jungkook feels trapped in that moment, unable to understand what he did wrong.
"You know this wasn't your fault, right?"
The voice cuts through his grief and Jungkook freezes. Lifting his blotchy face, damp with tears, toward the voice.
In his doorway is Yoongi, silhouetted by the light from the hall. He leans against the frame in black jeans and a baggy tee, holding a piece of paper up in one hand.
"H-hyung?" Jungkook hiccups.
Yoongi drops his hand and steps into the room. "It wasn't my place to read it, but you dropped it this morning. I was going to slip it under your door when I got home, but I heard you crying. Again."
Jungkook flushes with a fresh wash of embarrassment and curls up smaller in an attempt to disappear. "I'm sorry to bother you, Yoongi-hyung.”
The bed dips and a warm hand settles over his shoulder. "I'm not asking you to apologize. I want you to stop blaming yourself for your ex's bad behavior." His soft voice washes past the jagged edges of Jungkook's thoughts.
Peering up from his pillow, Yoongi is watching him. The full weight of the man's attention makes Jungkook feel seen. The words coat his pain like a soothing balm, but don’t make any sense. "It's my fault–"
"No," Yoongi cuts him off. "What Jihun did to you is not your fault. You care with your whole being, and he took advantage of that. It breaks my heart hearing you cry over that asshole."
"I'm sorry I bothered you.”
"Not as sorry as Jihun will be if I ever see his face again," Yoongi utters before shaking his head. "Your heart is so big and that's why it hurts so much, but Jihun isn't worth your tears. I wanted to give you space to work through this, but after this letter, I think you’re just digging yourself deeper.
“You're too thoughtful and generous to let him continue to dampen your light. It's time to find yourself again, because he took pieces of Jungkook away. The Jungkook who smiles because his favorite banana milk is in the fridge, or who laughs at the silly cat videos he watches over my shoulder when he thinks I don't notice. I watch them to hear you laugh."
The pain that has been coursing through Jungkook's body starts to seep away. For the first time in a long time, Jungkook feels like he can breathe again. "I didn't know that." With one hand, he wipes away his tears while his grip on the pillow begins to lessen.
Yoongi gives him a soft smile. "I don't like to make a big deal of it, but I like hearing you laugh. I don't think your ex has made you smile in a long time, even before you broke up. It wasn't any of my business, but I hoped with him gone, you were going to be happier. I was wrong." Yoongi's hand moves from Jungkook’s shoulder to thread through his hair, pushing it back from his face, making him feel less stuffy. The repetitive motion of nails lightly scraping against his scalp soothes Jungkook.
"I don't know what I did wrong," he admits. "What could I have done better?"
"Nothing. His leaving had nothing to do with you, Jungkook. You deserve someone who is going to treasure you and that was never going to be Jihun."
Tae and Jimin said something similar. The platitudes of finding someone better felt false, but something about the way Yoongi phrases it makes Jungkook's perspective snap into a new position.
This isn't about Jungkook finding someone better. His attempts to keep Jihun close weren't not enough, but were never going to be reciprocated. It was never going to matter how considerate he was of Jihun when Jihun wasn't considerate of Jungkook. Not in the way that Yoongi is, and they are only roommates. Shouldn't Jihun have been able to at least let Jungkook watch cat videos over his shoulder?
An exasperated laugh escapes him. "Jihun didn't act like he liked me, did he?" As soon as he says it, his memories of the last six months shift perspective. Jungkook is finally able to see it from the outside. No matter how much he reached for Jihun, the man never reached back. He was the only one who didn't see the obvious end coming. "I'm pretty naive, aren't I?"
"It's part of your charm," Yoongi says with a smirk. "But this time it worked against you.”
Jungkook sniffs and lets the pillow drop from his arms. He spots the letter still clenched in Yoongi's other fist. "This was me still trying to take responsibility for his behavior." Jungkook grabs it and starts ripping it to pieces.
Yoongi laughs. "Yeah, it was. Do you feel better now?"
Looking at the physical destruction of the relationship drifting in pieces to his bed, it feels real now. "I do. Thanks, hyung."
"Good.” Yoongi pats Jungkook on the back and stands up. "Get some rest and call your friends tomorrow. I think it'll do you some good to get out and give me some peace and quiet." He throws Jungkook a wink.
Jungkook laughs, releasing emotional constipation that has been stuffing him up. "Thank you, hyung. Have a good night."
"Good night, Jungkook." Yoongi heads out the door. He turns before shutting the door all the way. "Next time, you can talk to me. I know we haven't been that close, but I care."
"Okay," Jungkook says with a wet smile and waves at him. Yoongi gives him a soft smile and the door shuts.
Sleep fills the empty space left by grief he's bled out this evening. Jungkook finally gets some rest.