Chapter Text
Michael wasn't sure when it started. He couldn't point out one singluar instance that could be dubbed as the start of all this. If you asked him to describe it, he might say it was something like a snowball effect. It started small, something nobody, not even himself noticed, until it cascaded, picking up speed and eventually became so overwhelmingly large that it squashed him like a bug underneath a shoe.
Maybe it started with the bad grade. Or perhaps, his father's irritated lecture. It might have been the time he made Evan upset because of his frustration.
It didn't matter.
Why did it matter where it started? What caused it?
What mattered was the fact that Michael stood face to face with himself and really only saw one way out of this.
His plan was simple. Harmless, he'd argue. God knows father would even take a second glance. Michael was as good as dead to him. Evan and Lizzie. He knew it would upset them, after all, once he was gone, who would make pancakes, eggs and bacon for breakfast, who would tie Evan's shoelaces, who would play dress up with Lizzie?
He figured they'd figure it out themselves. They were smart kids.
He marked a date on his calendar. He marked a day at the end of the year.
Michael only slightly underestimated how smart they were.
-
"Mikey?"
"Mm?" The older boy hummed noncommittally, staring at a sheet of homework he'd been sitting infront of for who knows how long now.
"Are you okay?"
"Fine, Evan. Go do your homework"
"… I was wondering if you cou-"
"Evan, I told you to go away. I can't come right now, I'm so tired"
"I just- Lizzie wan-"
"Look, I want to spend time with you, but I just … I can't okay? I just need to be alone right now"
Evan stayed silent for a few minutes. He couldn't see Michael's face as he sat at his desk, facing away from the younger boy, but he could tell by the waver in the elder's voice that he was nearing tears.
"Michael, do you know the time?"
"It- It's like.. 6 or something, right?" Michael ran his finger through his hair, and finally turned to face Evan. "It's 9:30, Michael" Evan responded, quietly. A look of realisation and worry crossed his face. "Oh shit. You g- you guys haven't had dinner yet?"
The younger boy shook his head. "Father didn't…?" Michael trailed off. He already knew the answer to that question. "He said he'd be late. He asked you to make dinner this morning". Michael scoffed internally. Why did father even bother telling them, and acting like this was a one-off thing? He was then swallowed by a sick feeling of guilt.
Michael swallowed. ".. I'll make something now, okay? I'm…", the look in Evan's face softened. "Me and Lizzie will help. Just tell us what to do"
"Okay."
-
The days turned into weeks. Evan and Lizzie watched their brother slowly lose himself. It was so slow, that it could have easily slipped their minds if they werent paying rapt attention.
Lizzie was the first to notice. She always prided herself on being the smartest out of the three. Even as observant and attentive as she said she was, it took her a while to pick up on it. When she did, she realised how long it had been going on for and that she'd just never noticed until that point.
She watched as Michael started leaving his room less, only ever leaving to go to school. It became more incredibly noticable during their summer break.
She recalled the days he'd spend entirely outside the house, killing time with his friends. She noted that he spent more time outside than he did at home, and clearly had a strong preference towards keeping it that way.
Now, all of a sudden, he'd lock himself up in his room for hours and hours on end, just sleeping or staring at the ceiling.
She decided she needed to do something about it. No one can stop her when she put her mind to something. After some scheming, and a secret trip to the library, the first phase of her plan was complete. The second phase was going to be initated: recruiting her accomplice.
Evan sat unsuspectingly on the couch and flipped through channels on the television. Elizabeth rushed into the living room, stood infront of the TV, blocking Evan's vision as she slammed a heavy textbook on the coffee table. Evan narrowed his eyes at her.
"My dear brother, I have come to recruit you for a very important mission,", the girl crossed her arms and paced the living room, "It has come to my attention that Michael, of recent, has not been quite himself. And you know who's job it is to help him? Why, ours of course!"
"Can you stop speaking like that?"
"Shut up," Elizabeth huffed. "I'll just ignore your comment. More importantly," she gestured to the textbook infront of him.
" 'DSM-IV: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders'. That's a mouthful" Evan observed as he ran his fingers over the hardbound over, "how did you even get this?"
"You see, your elder sister is incredibly resourceful, if you'd care to notice, I went on a very perilous journey to acquir-"
"So you went to the library, got it" Evan responded dryly as he flipped through the book, landing on the index. "What are we looking for?"
Elizabeth sighed, "that is what I'm not really sure. I know this has got to be some sort of mental struggle, because he's not.. like.. physically sick". Evan let out a hum of approval as he continued to flip through the book. They looked through it together until they eventually landed on depressive disorder under mood disorders.
Evan cringed after a few minutes of reading and flopped back onto the couch with a resigned expression, "I don't understand any of this,". Elizabeth glanced at him, and paused thoughtfully for a second before responding. "It's okay Evan. Keep trying," she gave him a melancholic smile, "we need to save our brother".
After a while, Evan fell fast asleep. Elizabeth continued reading.
She was broken out of her thoughts when she heard the doorbell ring. She stayed on the couch and continued flipping through the book, hoping someone else would get the door. Maybe this would finally get Michael out of his stupid bed, she thought.
It rang twice.
It rang thrice.
The person outside the door started knocking on it relentlessly.
The girl inhaled sharply. Who on earth could it possibly be? She stomped towards the door, summoning all her energy to wear the nastiest expression and passive aggressively shut down whatever salesperson stood on the other side of the door.
All of her bravado went down the drain when she opened the door to a familiar face. A taller boy stood at the door with a sheepish expression. Jeremy. Oh.
"Um. Hi! I.. uh.. is Michael.." the boy started in a very awkward demenaour. He didn't seem to have anticipated the fact that anyone in the family could have been the one to open the door. "He's … in his room. Did you two have plans?" the younger girl started, and she opened the door wider, gesturing for him to come inside.
"Not really," his shoulders slumped. "I just.. wanted to check in, I guess. Haven't heard from him in a while and.. I don't know, I guess I just missed him," Jeremy let out an short chuckle. Jeremy had always worn his heart on his sleeve. Maybe that's why Michael liked him so much, Elizabeth thought.
As someone raddled with so much insecurity, Michael needed someone like Jeremy. Someone who was sincere and very obvious with their affections and care.
"You should visit more" Elizabeth started. "A-ah?" Jeremys's eyes widened. Oh okay. So this boy was just as dense as her brother.
Did she really have to spell it out?
"What I'm saying, is that he needs you. And needs to get out of his room. So get him out" she said firmly, hands planted on her hips, and head tilted in a condescending manner. As condescending as an eleven year old could be anyway. She pauses before adding, "You're already a bit late. Don't slack", was all she told him, before turning away and speeding off back into the hallway, leaving the boy standing infront of his bestfriend's door.
Jeremy gently opened the door. "Michael?", the boy's head snapped up at the sound, clearly taken aback. "Jeremy?" He asked, voice laced with surprise. Jeremy tried to give his best smile, but it wavered as he took in Michael's state. "Hey.."
Jeremy talked to Michael for what felt like hours. Michael didn't say much, he just sat on the bed and fiddled with the edge of the blanket, respoding with few words every now and then, but he never gave any signs that he wanted Jeremy to leave.
That was good enough for Jeremy. He was able to make him smile and chuckle a few times throughout the time he was there and that was a step forward, Jeremy supposed. Every now and then, Michael's eyes got glassy and he adopted a far-away look in his eyes.
Before he left, he leaned over to hug the bedridden boy. He felt like he was wrapping his arms around a child much younger and thinner than Michael. The boy buried his face in the crook of Jeremy's neck, soaking up the affection, before just as quickly pulling away as if the touch burned him.
He understood what Elizabeth's words meant as he was walking home that day.
-
Summer ended. Jeremy visisted counless times throughout the holidays, which Elizabeth was grateful for, not that she would ever tell him.
She woke up at the crack of dawn, buzzing with silent excitement, and got ready for her first day of middle school. She spent the early parts of the morning getting ready, and then raced downstairs, tugging a sleepy Evan in tow.
The younger boy yawned and nuzzled his face into his beloved Fredbear plush.
"Okay Evan! Pay attention! This is very imporant. You know this," Elizabeth announced in her sternest tone. Evan hummed in response. The two got to work, scampering around the kitchen, dragging around stools to reach the highest cabinets.
Half an hour passed.
Michael woke up blearily, blinking slowly and rubbing his eyes to get the gunk out. His arms felt like lead. It took a while, but he managed to pull himself out of bed. Glancing at the clock put him into a state of panic. "7:24 already?! Fuck. Fuck-" Michael scrambled out, got dressed in the first shirt and pair of jeans he spotted and raced down the stairs, tripping over a step.
He had maybe 10 minutes to prepare breakfask, eat it, get Evan and Elizabeth ready and be out of the house in time for the bus.
Michael felt tears blur his vision. Why was he getting so worked up over something so small? Why was he getting so frustrated when it was his fault to begin with?
He stopped dead in his tracks when his eyes landed on the scene before him in the kitchen.
Elizabeth stood pridefully on the stepping stool with her hands on her hips and a grin on her face, Evan stood next to her with a more bashful, but still content expression, his fingers laced together. Behind them, were three plates of shoddy pancakes, caked on with chocolate sauce, sloppily cut strawberries and a copious amount of whipped cream.
An overwhelming warmth flooded his chest, seeping into him and melting the severe cold that he had become accustomed to at this point.
It broke.
Sobs wracked Michaels body, and his vision blurred from the tears that clouded his eyes.
He didn't know why he was this emotional.
His siblings were just as shocked at the sudden outburst but immediately rushed to his side. Elizabeth patted his back gently and wiped his tears while Evan hugged his side.
Michael's sobs died down just as quickly as they had started.
The boy coughed and finally found his voice again. "Um.. I- .. I'm.. sorry.. I-" Michael seemed to be at a loss for what to do, except to apologise. He'd been doing a lot of that recently. For no real reason other than being sorry for his existance.
Lizzie frowned. "Why are you apologising?", she asked firmly. "We did this because we wanted to, you always take care of us, who's gonna take care of you?"
Michael sighed. "I'm old enough already, Lizzie," his hand moved to gently pat Evan's head. "You guys don't have to worry this much about me, I should-"
Elizabeth huffed. "Just eat, Mike. We're gonna be late," the girl said, but with no real frustration in her voice.
For the first time in a long time, Michael gave a heartfelt smile.
They ate their breakfast in comfortable silence and left for school just in time for the bus.
Michael felt warm inside, a way he hadn't felt in such a long time.
-
Some days were better than others. Some days were worse. It was hard for Michael to predict how the day was going to go. Today was a little worse than others. It had been a month since he selected a date on his calender, but he found himself thinking about it less and less. At least, on most days.
The boy leaned his head against the window of the bus as a sudden sleepiness overtook him.
"Good morning!" A cheerful voice caused Michael to jolt, "Whoops, did I wake you?" Jeremy said, as he took a seat next to the boy. Michael paused before a small smile creeped onto his face. "M'fine", Jeremy gave him a soft smile in response. They didn't talk much during the ride to school, at some point, Jeremy tilted his head and rested it on Michael's shoulder. He didn't mind. Not a single bit.
As time passed, Jeremy's company became a grounding constant in Michael's life. Michael felt comfortable enough to be around Jeremy even on his worse days, where he wouldn't speak much, but Jeremy was there to fill the silence.
That much was enough for Michael.
Maybe this day wouldn't be so bad.
It was bad.
Michael got his report card, the results were abysmal.
"Michael? Can I speak with you for a second?" Ms Drisscoll, his class teacher spoke. She was a kind lady. Michael would rather not have this conversation, but if he had to have it, he'd rather it would have been her. "Follow me," she called him to her office and gesutured for him to sit down.
Michael swallowed thickly and prepared himself for the lecture that was about to come. Oh, how he used to be such a good student. Oh, what could have possibly happened. Oh, what a disapp-
"Michael, how are you doing?" she asked in a neutral tone and a warm smile, pushing up her glasses as she spoke.
"Um. I'm.. fine". She simply hummed in response, "so, I'm sure you know why I called you here," she spoke as she flexed her fingers. Michael suddenly felt a bit more anxious, his hands lacing together as he dug his nails into skin.
She seemed to notice the action but chose not to mention it.
"I'm sure you already know what I'm going to say so I won't bother lecturing you on your grades"
What?
"You're a good kid Michael. After many years of teaching, you come to learn a lot of things about students you teach", she diverted her gaze to her hands. "Your grades do not define you. I'm not going to blame you for this. There are many reasons for students' grade dips, some of them are out of their own control, or things they didn't anticipate".
She sighed softly and pushed up her glasses once more, reverting her gaze back to the boy in the chair who stared intently at the floor. "Michael, it's okay to take a break. Don't beat yourself up for this. Shift your focus to what is causing it, and tackle that first. You have time", she smiled at the boy when he finally raised his head. "This isn't the end, your life isn't over, you can get help, and get better. It'll be okay".
"If you'd ever like someone to talk to, my door is always open"
She tells him he doesn't need to say anything.
She dismissed him with that.