Chapter Text
WELCOME TEAM MAGNUS
Congratulations on being selected to compete in the Great British Bake Off special! We’re excited to welcome teams into the tent this season to compete in order to raise money for charity. Your team application has been approved and we’re thrilled to have representatives from The Magnus Institute joining us in the tent this season. Orientation begins Thursday!
Jonathan Sims flinched. Read the email twice. Took a few deep breaths. Read it a third time. Then in a voice far too calm for the dread blooming in his chest, he called “Martin.”
A chair squeaked from the other room.
“Um, yes?” came the response, hesitant and soft as though Martin already suspected he might be in trouble.
“Come here a moment, please.”
Jon couldn’t bring himself to turn away from the screen even as he heard Martin’s steps approaching, heard the slight hitch in his breath as he leaned in.
“Oh,” Martin said.
Jon gestured vaguely at the monitor. “Is this what I think it is?”
“Yes, I got the email too,” Martin said cheerfully. “Pretty exciting, right?”
Jon turned slowly, looked up at Martin. “Exciting?”
Martin hesitated. “I mean… yeah. A bit. I always liked Bake Off.”
Jon closed his eyes, pushed his glasses up to rub at his face. “Martin. I did not sign us up for a nationally broadcast baking competition.”
“No, I figured Elias probably did it. Or Tim. Definitely something Tim would do. It’s for charity you know.”
“Charity?”
Martin smiled awkwardly. “It’s the charity edition. I think the funds go towards some kind of community history project? There was a lot of caps lock and emojis in the original message, hard to tell what it actually said.”
“But it’s television,” Jon hissed. “And us. We’re not bakers. We deal with statements about haunted car parks, not soggy bottoms!”
“Right,” Martin said, trying not to grin and only barely succeeding. “But maybe it could be fun?”
Jon stared blankly at him, unable to process the word “fun” in this current context. Then, turned back to his email.
“Three days” he muttered. “We’re expected to report to filming in three days and this is somehow the first I am hearing of it.”
He stabbed at his keyboard. There was an attachment. He opened it to find a PDF titled: Meet the Bakers!!! :)
There it was, listed on the third page down;
Team Magnus Institute Members: Jonathan Sims (Team Captain), Martin Blackwood, Timothy Stoker, Sasha James, Melanie King, Gerard Keay.
“Gerry?” Jon stammered.
Martin leaned in again. “Oh! I didn't realize he counted as an employee, maybe I can finally get that lemon curd recipe from him.”
“Martin!” Jon lowered his voice to a hiss, “Gertrude will have my head on a pike if she finds out he’s back in here so soon after the last time he saved our bloody arses.”
“Well, it’s just baking isn’t it? He’s not coming in to torch an army of worms. Surely she won’t come out of her hidey hole to threaten you over biscuits?”
Jon slumped back in his chair, defeated. “I’m going to die. We’re all going to die.”
Martin gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder. “Probably not. I mean, at least not from cake.”
The air in the break room was thick with the scent of bergamot-rich earl grey tea, as the archives team sat around the table, each holding a flimsy copy of a stapled printout labeled:
The Great British Bake for Charity: Production Notes
(Please read before appearing on national television!)
“This is ridiculous,” Jon said, glaring at a packet of digestives as if they had personally betrayed him.
Tim leaned back in his chair, balancing a half eaten bourbon biscuit on the tip of his nose, as though he was already practicing for the camera. Martin had wrapped both hands around his mug of tea and tried to hide his excitement. Sasha dutifully studied her packet.
“None of us are even qualified to be on a baking show!” Jon grumbled. “We are researchers at an academic institution. Why on earth will none of you back me up?”
Melanie didn’t look up from her notes. “I’ve already mapped out a schedule for testing recipes during lunch breaks. Some of us take competition seriously, Sims.”
“You don’t even work for the archive! You and Gerry both!” Jon sputtered. “We found out about this competition three hours ago! When did you even have time to do that?”
She finally glanced up. “Well excuse me for being excited about the opportunity.” She sat back in the chair and crossed her arms, glaring at Jon from behind blue-dyed bangs. “It could really help drive more viewers to Georgie and I’s podcast… and it’s for a good cause.”
Tim at last ate the biscuit, speaking around a mouthful of crumbs he said “You know, I think this could be fun. Think about it; we spend half our lives in a dusty basement staring at computer screens. Getting out in the real world, doing some baking, meeting new people? I’m thriving already.”
“Have any of you even baked before?” Jon said, now pacing the room. “Because I for one have not”
“Hey! I bake!” Martin offered, voice rising just enough to be heard over Jon’s spiralling. “I like to. It’s… comforting.”
Jon froze in place.
“You what?”
“I bake,” Martin repeated defensively. “I make a good apple crumble. And muffins. And cinnamon rolls. Did you not ever think about where the snacks in the break room come from?”
“Oh, come on,” Sasha said, now offended on Martin’s behalf. “We get a week off actual work, we bake some biscuits, even if we lose in the first round, I think this could be good for us. Besides, have you seen the email? We’re up against a team from the Postal Museum. They’re likely in the same position as us, it’s for charity.”
“This is absurd. I didn’t even sign us up.”
“Right,” Melanie said flatly, tapping her paper, “yet you’re listed as Team Captain, and this last page here indicates you signed some form of participation contract.”
“Which is a lie!”
“Which is legally binding,” came a voice from the doorway. Everyone turned. There in ripped black jeans, a worn hoodie, and leather jacket pinned with a laminated visitors badge, stood Gerard Keay.
Jon blinked slowly. “No.”
Martin gave a little wave. Tim made heart eyes. Sasha pulled out a chair for him to join.
Jon turned to the others, “He’s not even an employee, how did he get involved in this mess?”
“According to the form,” Sasha said, flipping to page two of the packet, “he’s listed as an External Specialist - Historical Preservation Consultant.”
Tim clapped once, delighted. “Oh this just keeps getting better.”
“Absolutely not,” Jon said, moving towards the door. “I’m going to talk to Elias and put a stop to this immediately.”
Gerry raised a pierced eyebrow. “You think Elias will back you up?”
Jon hesitated. He hated that Gerry had a point.
“Three days until filming,” Melanie said, sipping her tea. “Better start watching tutorials.”
As Jon stormed out, someone had the audacity to start whistling the Bake Off theme.
He didn’t turn to see who it was.
(It was Tim)
Jon didn’t bother knocking, he flung Elias’s office door open with the indignation of a man who’d been driven to his breaking point by a charity baking email.
“Elias,” Jon snapped.“We need to talk. About Bake Off”
Elias looked up slowly from a file, folding his hands with the deliberate smoothness of a man who had never once in his life been surprised by anything.
“Jonathan,” he said. “Do come in.”
Jon was in fact, already in. Several steps in. Pacing. “I’m not doing it. I didn’t sign up. You know I didn’t sign up.”
“I have the application right here,” Elias replied with exaggerated bureaucratic patience. He reached into a drawer and pulled out a crisp form, complete with the Institute letterhead, signatures, and Jon’s name typed neatly under “Team Captain”.
Jon nearly lunged for it. “Let me see that”
There it was. His signature. Except it wasn’t. It was too neat, too even.
“This is forged,” Jon said flatly.
Elias shrugged.
“Why would you want this?” Jon demanded. “What could you possibly gain from us embarrassing ourselves on national television?”
“As the head of a research institution, I understand how important it is to raise awareness and funding for historical preservation projects. The charity they’re supporting this season does wonderful work.” Elias replied. “However, the Bake Off does draw in a lot of viewers, it's natural to get nervous about having so many eyes on you. Regardless, your time off work has already been approved.”
Jon pointed an accusing finger. “You’ve done something, you’ve arranged something.”
“Yes I have,” Elias said mildly. “A bake off. I do enjoy cake”