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“My baby sister is all grown up! It feels like only yesterday you took your first steps, and now look at you, you’ve landed your first job,” Perry said, pulling Candace into a tight bear hug. “So proud,” he added in a whisper.
“Perry, I'm literally wearing a monkey on my head. This is embarrassing enough without your help.” Candace pushed him aside.
“Sorry, sorry.” Perry dabbed at his eyes. “You wanna be professional, I get that.”
Candace sighed. “I don’t know what part of this is supposed to be professional.”
“Nonsense. You’re doing great," said Perry as he straightened her Shimmy Jimmy hat.
“Really? Well, what about you then? What was your first job?”
"Hmm... Well, I guess technically, my first job was babysitting."
“Okay, that sounds worse, or at least right below this. At least I don’t have to deal with these pesky brats all day,” Candace said, watching a little boy by the cash register wipe his nose on his sleeve.
“Oh, they’re not so bad once you learn how to handle them. Let me give you some tips. So, first of all, always remember to smile. Show them you’re approachable.” Perry flashed his perfect smile. “But don’t hold eye contact too long or they’ll feel threatened and attack you.”
“Isn’t that for wild animals?” Candace asked.
“Yes,” Perry said, his smile still the same as before, even as he felt a slight tug on his pants. “Hello, there! How may I help you?”
Perry crouched down to a little girl about five years old in a polka dot dress. She pointed to a toy on the top shelf.
“Ah, the Shimmy Jimmy Sakura Tree Limited Edition, nice choice.”
The little girl smiled back at him.
“Here, let me help you.” Perry lifted her up to the shelf so she could reach the toy. “Good job!”
The little girl giggled as Perry put her back down, then ran to her mother to show her what she got. She scooped her up in her arms, and they both waved at Perry before turning around to pay.
“See? It’s important you're at their eye level when you’re talking to them so you’re not looking down at them,” Perry explained. “And I could have just given her the monkey, but by bringing her up to my level, I made her feel like she had a part in it. This can boost their confidence, but most importantly, they’ll gain this sense of equality and won’t feel the need to rebel against you.”
“Wow, you’re freakishly good at this,” Candace remarked.
"Oh, it's nothing, really. I just had a lot of practice... Hey, did you guys find anything you wanted?"
Phineas and Ferb emerged from between the shelves, looking a little disappointed.
"No, all they sell here are climbing toys," Phineas said. "I mean, sure, I like climbing as much as the next guy, but it seems like that would get old really quick."
"Oh, like you geniuses can make a better toy," Candace said.
And of course, that was all it took for Phineas' face to turn on like a light bulb. "I know what we're doin' today!"
So, five minutes later at the boys' favorite mall store, Shermin's Hardware, Phineas was sitting in a beach chair with his notebook while Ferb was already working on something in the back, and no, Perry wasn't at all worried that his ten-year-old stepbrother was using an electric screwdriver, let alone a jackhammer.
"Okay, then," Phineas said. "What we need is a simple toy, ridiculously simple, so obvious that it's special, something that everyone will want, girls and boys, anyone. Hmm... No, no!" He started tearing and crumpling pages from the notebook. "This is never going to work!"
“Come on, you’ll figure something out,” Perry said, ruffling his hair. “You always do.”
Phineas looked up at him and smiled. “Thanks, big guy.”
“All that matters is you have fun.” Perry glanced quickly at his watch. “Gotta go. I just remembered we’re out of toilet paper.”
“Okay. Can you get the Sakura special edition?” Phineas asked.
“You bet!”
Perry waited until Phineas returned to his notebook, then ducked behind a shelf.
“That’s it! I know!”
Ferb whistled from the back of the store.
“Oh, you already got something?” Phineas dropped his notebook and pencil. “Let’s see then!”
Perry went to the Fasteners section and stood back against the wall, pulling on a hook with a bag of screws. The wall rotated, and he found himself right in his lair. How that worked, Perry had no idea. Never mind that their house was on the other side of town. Thinking about it only gave him a headache, so he just shrugged it off. Major Monogram was waiting for him as usual on the monitor.
"Ah, there you are, Agent P. We suspect that your nemesis, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, has been pilfering bricks from buildings across the Tri-State Area."
He showed Perry images of houses with missing pieces like incomplete puzzles, animals escaping from the Zoo, and prisoners breaking through the barbed wire wall.
"Okay, this is bad, worse than usual," Perry said. "Do you want me to track them down?"
"Oh, no need. I've already put Agent Zechariah the Zebra on the case. Ha! See what I did there?" The Major chuckled. "Because the prisoners have striped jackets, and he's a zebra!"
Carl made his way to the screen next to him. "Um, sir? The reason he got the codename Zebra is because he suffers from Achromatopsia, you know, total color blindness. Don't you remember?"
The Major bit his lip. "Oh, yeah... That could be a problem."
Perry groaned and ran a hand over his face.
"Well, maybe you can take a look at this later, Agent P, but first you need to see what Doofenshmirtz is up to and stop him."
"Right," Perry sighed and gave a weary salute.
He jumped into his mini helicopter and took off through the hatch in the roof, flying past the Har D Har Toy Corp headquarters on his way to Doofenshmirtz’s.
***
"Hold on there. Aren't you a bit young to be toy designers?"
As he helped his brother wheel their product inside to pitch it to the board members, Ferb probably should have expected this question, especially since, despite the company's goofy name, this was probably the last place any kid in their right mind would want to be.
"Well... I don't think so," Phineas said, bless his innocence. "And now, it's fresh, it's new, it's incredibly hip! Soon to be the biggest hit of the new toy season, Big Brother Perry!"
Ferb removed the cover under the board's members' bewildered faces.
“Uh, is that a Ken doll?” asked one with white hair and glasses.
Ferb looked down at their creation. It was a wooden figurine with poseable limbs, but it had styleable hair and removable clothes, so he could see where the confusion was coming from. It was more like a combination of a nutcracker, a Ken doll, and, in Ferb’s eyes at least, a superhero figure, but at the same time, it was none of those things.
“Ah, it may look like a Ken doll, but it’s so much more than that,” Phineas said in his advertiser's voice.
“Well, what does it do?” another board member asked.
“That’s the beauty of it! Big Brother Perry does everything and nothing at the same time. He can be anything you want him to be, you can put makeup on him or you can dunk him in mud because a big brother would do anything for his little siblings! Every boy, girl, or child should have a big brother just like Perry in their life!”
“Hmm, intriguing,” said the board president. “It would sell well to lonely, insecure, or kids bullied at school, as a kind of comfort item. I love it!”
If Ferb had had reservations before about essentially selling their beloved brother's image without his consent, now he was really starting to have an uneasy feeling about it all. Perry had run off that morning before they could ask for his permission. However, every time he and Phineas started a new sensation, it usually evaporated completely by the next day. It probably wouldn't affect Perry too much. So Ferb decided to stay quiet as usual and watch what happened next.
***
A few buildings away from the Har D Har toy factory, Perry infiltrated the Doofenshmirtz Evil Annex, where a clamp crane was loading bricks into trucks. Another crane came up behind Perry and dropped its load on top of him, but none of the bricks hurt him. In fact, they built themselves on top of each other, forming a perfect little prison around Perry. It even left a hole at face level for him to see out. Perry already had too much on his plate to wonder about the logic behind all this.
Doofenshmirtz came over to him, chuckling. "Well, if it isn't Perry the Platypus! You've arrived precisely on cue. Allow me to explain. Voila!"
He removed a cover, revealing a miniature replica of the Tri-State Area.
"A precise 1/100th scale replica of the Tri-State Area! You'd be surprised how much free time I have."
Perry folded his arms. "Trust me, I'm not." After all, he was going to be working overtime because of him.
"Now, with all the bricks that I've, uh... collected, I'll construct... the Great Wall of the Tri-State Area! Thereby cutting off the citizens from the rest of the world!"
"A wall? Okay, you didn't just say that."
"What? It's the perfect plan," Doofenshmirtz insisted. "To get out of town, people will have to go through this! Official Doofenshmirtz-approved toll booth! See? Pure evil! I haven't really worked out a price point yet, but it won't be cheap, I can tell you that!"
***
“I want the green-haired one!”
Candace sighed and handed the little boy the figurine on the top shelf, trying to ignore the fact that they were all exactly the same, not to mention that was turquoise, not green. Seriously, what were they teaching kids in kindergarten these days if they couldn't even tell their colors apart? It just happened that Candace was very familiar with that particular shade; in fact, a closer look at the new outfit she was forced to wear and something about that new toy seemed to strike a bell, something about the denim jacket and the bright orange sneakers. She was convinced she looked like some kind of K-Pop boy idol. She just hoped Jeremy wasn’t around to see her like this.
Candace felt someone tap her on the back and almost froze.
“Excuse me, bro? I don’t mean to bother you, but you seem very approachable.”
Candace turned around.
“Candace?” Jeremy said. “I didn’t even recognize you in that wig. Are you trying a new look? It looks good on you, like some kind of popstar.”
Candace chuckled awkwardly.
“See you later, Candace!”
“This isn’t worth $3.50 an hour,” she muttered.
“I'm here live with Phineas and Ferb, creators of the international toy phenomenon, Big Brother Perry Inaction Figurine.”
Candace glanced over at the TV behind the register. Those were her brothers, of course, they were. And then the real things were passing by the front of the toy store with the news reporter interviewing them as they went.
“Simply amazing! What was your inspiration?”
“Well, we have an older brother at home named Perry,” Phineas explained. “He’s a literature major, so some people might think he doesn’t do much except, you know, read. But he always knows how to cheer us up and would do anything for us and our sister, Candace. Oh, look, there she is! Hi, Candace! Nice K-Pop outfit!”
"Oh, I should've known those two were behind this." She took a closer look at herself, and then it hit her. "Am I seriously cosplaying as my brother?"
There might have been a time when Candace was maybe five years old, and she loved to follow Perry around the house like a little duckling and imitate everything he did, but this was a whole new level of pathetic.
Oh, those two were so busted!
***
Perry didn't have time for this. Luckily, all he had to do was push a brick, and the whole thing came crashing down around him like a Jenga tower. Did Doofenshmirtz call that a trap? If he hadn't been in a hurry, he would have been almost insulted.
"Perry the Platypus, how did you escape?" Doofenshmirtz said from his scissor lift. "Hmm… I probably should have used cement. Ah, no matter. You'll never catch me!"
And from there began a typical cartoon chase across the rooftops. Perry didn't mind. The fresh air was doing him good, and he had been longing for a little parkour.
"You can't stop me, Perry the Platypus! You couldn't stop me with a billion Perry the Platypuses! Because I am unstoppabl-"
Meanwhile, Doofenshmirtz absolutely sucked at parkour because he stepped on a skylight, the most amateur mistake anyone could make.
Perry saw him fall into what appeared to be a container full of Ken dolls. It seemed like they were on top of the toy factory, and Doofenshmirtz must have had some Ken-doll-related childhood trauma because he started to panic and ended up on a conveyor belt, writhing and screaming.
Perry took out his rope and climbed down the skylight, but by the time he got down, there was no sign of Doofenshmirtz anywhere. He looked around, and that’s when he heard a familiar voice. Now, Perry was a highly trained super spy, but in that moment, he forgot all his training and froze like a deer caught in the headlights. Super spy Perry was never supposed to hear that voice.
“So, Ferb, I think the sale projections are…”
Phineas froze, too, just for a moment.
“Hey, people, I thought we agreed we weren't gonna do this.”
He casually pushed Perry as he walked past, and Perry tried his best impression of a falling cardboard prop, or a mannequin, or a life-size figurine, or whatever Phineas thought he was. Luckily, Perry could keep his eyes open for up to three minutes without blinking. It was part of his more obscure OWCA training, and you never knew when it would come in handy.
"How many times do I have to say it? He's a big brother. He's cool by default!"
As he got up from the floor, dusting himself off, Perry couldn't help but wonder what his brothers had planned for the day.
Remembering Doofenshmirtz, he continued to search near the boxes.
"Curse you, Perry the Platypus," a muffled voice said.
Perry couldn't figure out where it was coming from, but usually when his nemesis said that, it meant the mission was complete. Well, no Doofenshmirtz meant no Great Wall of the Tri-State Area. So he shrugged and rushed off to clean up the doctor's mess.
***
Half an hour later, Perry was chasing a bulky criminal through the Danville Farmers Market on an elephant. The space was relatively small, so they had to be careful not to step on anyone, but for an elephant, the animal was quite agile and had only knocked over one or two apple baskets. Perry swung his lasso. The criminal jumped over a pile of watermelons. Perry was ready to stop before the watermelons became more water than melon, but the elephant caught him by surprise and jumped over them like a racehorse. Before Perry could get his lasso out again, the elephant pinned the criminal with its trunk and lifted him up to proudly display him to Perry.
“Wow! Good job, little girl!” He hugged and scratched her head, and the elephant started wagging her hind leg like a dog when someone found the right spot. “You know, if OWCA accepted animal agents, I’d recruit you right away!”
“Uh, excuse me, I’m still hanging here,” said the criminal who was upside down ten feet in the air.
Perry waved, and the elephant deposited the escaped prisoner behind Perry, where he handcuffed him.
“Hey, you look just like that doll I stole from a kid earlier,” said the criminal.
Perry noticed something turquoise sticking out of the criminal's pocket and picked it up curiously. Well, that was creepy. His own miniature face staring back at him. The clothes and hair might have been generic enough, but the eyes and that carefully crafted casual smile were almost too accurate. This could only be Phineas and Ferb's doing, which also explained Doctor D's reaction earlier.
"Can I have it back?"
Perry blinked and shook his head abruptly. "No."
"Oh, come on, please. I could use a big brother in prison."
Perry sighed. "Fine..."
The criminal hugged the figurine to his chest, then looked at Perry.
"You know, your hair looks so soft. Do you mind if I style it on the way to prison?"
Perry blinked again. "Please don't touch me."
After every escaped animal and common crook had been successfully rounded up and returned to their proper place, and the brick trucks had been rerouted and the walls repaired, Perry lingered a while at the Danville Zoo. He had never liked the place much. Those crooks had committed countless crimes and injustices, but what had the poor animals done to deserve a life sentence behind bars? Still, as he watched a group of lemurs eating grapes in their small habitat, he thought to himself that at least it was better for them than the congested traffic of Danville.
His watch started beeping, and he turned away from the rest of the crowd of visitors.
“Good job, Agent P!” Major Monogram said. “Danville can sleep soundly tonight because of you. Oh, and congratulations on acquiring your first official merch!”
“I’ve always wanted a big brother!” Carl said from behind the Major, holding up a Big Brother Perry, much to the original Perry's horror.
“Be careful what you wish for, Carl,” the Major grumbled.
“Oh, not you too. You’re not going to tell me they oppose a risk that could compromise my cover or something?”
“Well, since it’s a representation of your civilian persona, I guess it’s mostly harmless,” said the Major.
“I wish it came with more accessories, though. Hmm, I think my sister has some old doll clothes I could try on,” Carl said, tugging at the sleeve of little Perry’s denim jacket.
“Ad-dat-dat-dat! The clothes stay on, mister.”
Carl’s cheeks lit up. “Oh, oh, sorry, Agent P. Uh, I didn’t realize…”
Perry turned off his communicator, propped his elbows on the railing separating the habitat from the onlookers, and buried his face in his hands. He didn’t want to pull a Candace, but of all the crazy things his brothers had ever come up with, somehow this took the cake.
He heard a familiar giggle, and when he looked up, he saw the little girl in the polka dot dress and her mother from that morning. He turned up his jacket's collar and pulled his hat over his eyes so they wouldn’t recognize him.
“Mom, I want a big brother,” the little girl said, trying to feed her Perry figurine a peanut.
Her mother laughed. “It might be a little late for that. But how about a little brother? Maybe, someday, I make no promises.”
“No, it has to be a big brother, just like Perry!”
Perry watched them go and smiled in spite of himself. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t the worst of his brothers’ ideas.
***
When Perry finally made it home, he was convinced that the mix of sweaty criminals and Zoo animals made him smell like that shady circus in Vegas he had once investigated. He couldn't wait to hit the shower and take some of that Sakura toilet paper upstairs while he was at it.
After that, he didn't have any energy left to do much other than sit on the couch and watch TV with Phineas and Ferb, who were munching on the fried chicken that Linda had cooked for dinner.
"Did you see what we did today?" Phineas asked with his mouth full.
"Oh yeah, it sure was... something," Perry said.
"We're glad you liked it. Look, Ferb and I still have the original Big Brother Perry Inaction Figurine prototype. You should have it."
"Wow, look at this." Studying it up close, he could see every detail and brushstroke his brothers had made with their own hands. Perry knew this was going straight into his memory box. "My own merch."
“Yeah, everyone should have their own Perry merchandise at home!”
Perry chuckled. “If you say so.”
“We tried to be as faithful and accurate to the source material as we could, but the guys at the toy factory made it hard,” Phineas said with some slight irritation.
“Oh, really?” Perry asked curiously.
“Yeah, they kept coming up with all these crazy ideas: Super Atomic Perry, Sparkly Vampire Perry, and get a load of this, Secret Agent Perry, please.” Phineas rolled his eyes.
“Yeah,” Perry said, less surely than he intended. “Wild.”
"We told them that being our big brother was enough. You don't need all those fancy accessories; all the kids will love you just the way you are."
"Why fix what’s not broken?" Ferb added.
"Ah, thanks, guys," Perry said, but after a moment or two of silence, he added, "So you didn't like any of the other Perrys, not even a little bit?"
"Of course not," Phineas said, swallowing his fried chicken. "They were all just show, no heart. I mean, who needs that? We like our big brother Perry a lot better, just the way he is, right, Ferb?"
Ferb nodded decisively.
Perry smiled thankfully at them, then excused himself and went to make popcorn.
“Just the way I am, huh?” he whispered, looking at his reflection in the microwave glass.
If only they knew.
Perry sighed. This shouldn’t have surprised him. Everyone liked Perry's non-spy version better, including Perry himself. Still, it hurt a little to hear it from his own two brothers. He thought kids were supposed to find spies cool; he certainly did when he was little.
Candace arrived home after Perry for once, looking like she needed a shower even more than he had.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I liked your clothes better,” she said, as Perry helped her out of her oversized, sweaty brick suit. “I think I’m quitting tomorrow. Sorry to disappoint you.”
“Oh, I could never be disappointed in you,” Perry said, folding the brick suit. This was going straight to the wash. “It’s important you know your worth, especially these days. Besides, there’s plenty of time for that later. You should enjoy your summer.”
“Yeah, you know what, I think I'll do that!” Candace said, dropping her shoes by the front door. “Thanks, Perry!”
Perry watched her climb the stairs. Well, at least one of them was free to quit and start over. He returned to the couch where Phineas was still worked up over the new Brick ad.
“Hey, how about a Big Brother Perry Inaction Figurine Sakura Edition?” he suggested.
“I think we should quit while we’re ahead,” Ferb said.
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
Perry breathed a sigh of relief only he could hear.