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Turtle has always been unremarkable. The emerald Seawing’s greatest feat was being the biggest failure out of thirty-two brothers. When things went wrong, he cowered and hid. He was a bystander. He was useless.
True, some of his animus-enchanted items had helped to defeat the great Darkstalker, but Qibli was the one who had figured out a way for them to be useful. Turtle just used them to fuel his own laziness.
The day dragged on for way too long. The new history cave was possibly more stuffy than the old one, and it didn't help that Peril’s firescales warmed the room to an unbearable degree. Turtle shifted uncomfortably. He looked down guiltily when he noticed Qibli shoot a glance at him after he sighed for the fortieth time that day. His mood was clearly annoying his friends, but he just couldn't understand how they could return to normal after everything that had happened here.
His Winglet had all faced fear and seen death, and they had all returned optimistic, so why couldn't he? He glanced around the dirt-dusted ground, he couldn't think like this in class. palming a leaf, he cast a silent spell. When I tear this leaf in half, I won't feel sad anymore. He hardly thought it through before ripping it to shreds. He looked up, a familiar calm washed over him. The ache in his heart vanished. He smiled slightly.
Maybe it wasn't really healthy, but what could really be bad about it? It would just make him less of a burden on his friends, plus it wasn't like it was new to him. He knew it would be fine if he didn't take it too far or do it too long. He shook off the feeling in his gut he always got at a mood shifting spell and looked up right as the gong rang, signaling the end of class. He jumped up, a little jittery. He frowned. Ignoring the glances from his winglet, he dashed towards the exit, desperate to leave that room.
The sun in the prey center was dazzling. Turtle was glad for the fresh air that swept along his scales. He sat down at Kinkajou's invitation. Moon and Peril sat across from them and Qibli soon joined them with Winter reluctantly behind. Turtle smiled. He was glad he had such a nice group of friends. His winglet talked while Turtle picked at his trout. A stomachache worried in his torso. The smell of blood from various prey wafted through the air, making him queasy. His back leg tapped with a frenetic buzz. Sweat beaded over his eyes. He hardly even noticed the roar in his ears. Heaviness lay on his eyes- maybe he should go back to his cave. Was there another class today? He couldn't remember. His head swam a bit.
“Turtle?” His head snapped up. Five pairs of eyes were more or less trained on him. Moons, what did I miss? He smiled weakly.
“Uh whats up?”
“You alright? You don't look so good.” Moon asked, concerned. He didn't feel too good either.
“Um yeah, I'm fine,” He stood. “I think I'll just uh go for a walk.”
“You didn't finish your fish, though.” Kinkajou stated, cocking her head.
“I’m not really hungry.” Or maybe he was- he couldn't quite tell behind the knot in his stomach. He turned and walked out of the prey center to avoid his friends' searching eyes.
When he was out of sight he leaned against a wall, he really didn't feel great- why? What was wrong with him? A general feeling of doom seeded into his head. It's an anxiety attack. He clenched his jaw. Why now? He looked around for onlookers before clutching another leaf. When I tear apart this leaf I won't feel anxiety anymore. Tearing it up, he was almost whiplashed as the ugly feelings dissipated. He blinked a couple times and shook his head. He knew it wasn't a good idea to do more than one mood shifter at a time, but it would be okay. He didn't need them much in the Sea Kingdom, mostly using them to help him forget his loneliness, but he supposed here he might need them more- the increased stress would probably cancel out the negative effects. He looked up at footsteps behind him.
“Turtle!” Kinkajou bounded up behind him and bunted him all cat-like. Behind her was the rest of their winglet. He smiled. After Anemone reversed her little love spell, Turtle was unsure of where their relationship lay. Maybe he was happy just to be friends, though.
“You just ran off! What's up?”
“I just felt a little ill,” Technically true. “Nothing to worry about.”
“If you say so. C’mon, we have Tsunami’s class now!” she turned and bounded down the hallway. Moon smiled reassuringly at him, Peril smiled at him less reassuringly. They started off and he trailed behind them to their next class.
The room was graciously familiar, and having his sister as the teacher put Turtle at ease. Mostly. She could be a little scary, even if she was family. Just get through this class and it’ll be fine.
Not much was happening, not that he was really paying attention. Fluorescent afternoon sun beamed in through the window, glinting in the volleying waterfall. Agitation pushed at his temple, which was odd, he wasn't really the type of dragon to get angry. He put his head in his talons; the light was getting on his nerves. Pressing his palms into his eyes brought him a slight relief from his ticking headache. Shutting his eyes tightly, Turtle didn't notice himself nodding off until the sound of dragons shuffling woke him. Everyone was getting into groups. Fiery heat flooded in on his left.
“HEY SLEEPYHEAD!” Peril cocked her head at him. “Looks like you're stuck with me!” But she was grinning.
“Hey, Peril,” He paused, voice sleep fogged. “Um, what are we doing?”
“I guess you wouldn't know, what with you snoring away during all the instructions,”
He blushed. “Was I snoring?”
“Oh yeah, you were all HONK SNOREE!”
Moon chuckled next to them “You weren't snoring Turtle, she’s just being silly.”
“Way to ruin the joke, Moon.” But her voice held no real anger. He smiled, he was truly proud of her. Since Scarlet died and Queen Ruby had welcomed her back in the kingdom, she had been doing great with anger management and seemed to be much lighter in general.
“We’re supposed to discuss the ways teamwork can be beneficial.” Moon and Kinkajou turned to them. Peril snorted, as if she didn't know that was the question.
“Well, that's easy. One dragon can hold an evil dragon down while the other kills them!” the others stared at her. She shrugged.
“Whatt it was a joke!”
“I think you need to work on your delivery.”
Their conversation continued on for a while, not really talking about the prompt, until the class ended. Turtle was getting jittery again, though not from anxiety. Frustration wormed its way up through his chest and tapped at his skull. Maybe it was because he didn't eat? He was tired at this point, but he supposed he could join the evening hunt.
Dusk flickered over the horizon. The lake was already a deep cobalt tipped with liquid amber when they glided down. Turtle crouched at the water's edge, talons flickering in the chilled pool. Weird fishes darted around him. He scrunched his snout in frustration as the creatures evaded him. He sunk his talons in as another shadow swam away. He continued to struggle for a while. Meanwhile, Tsunami already had ten fish stacked next to her. It felt like hours before she called out.
“All right, let's get back everyone.” Turtle and the other few dragons who came stood and rose after Tsunami to the school. He glanced back at the lake, feeling inadequate. He couldn't get past how he didn't catch a single fish.
Back in the prey center, sconces illuminated the walls with a warm orange glow. Night had fallen outside and many dragons were already in their caves for the night. Qibli was there, but no one else from his winglet was. Turtle just sat dejected while Tsunami laid her catch in a pile. She wrapped a wing around him and dropped a cod in front of him. He recoiled internally. He didn't deserve this did he? He couldn't even catch one measly fish today. Something roiled behind his eyes. Before he could check himself he was sneering.
“I don't need your charity.” he snapped. Why was he so upset? Tsunami looked at him in confusion.
“What?”
He stood unprompted, irrationally angry.
“I don't want it! I couldn't catch any fish. I don't-" he paused, cringing. He sounded like an attention seeker. He shook his head. “I.. have a stomachache.”
Qibli and Tsunami looked at him in tandem confusion.
He frowned. They were probably upset at him now.
“Turtle?”
“Um. sorry. I don't know what happened. I'm just going to go to bed.” He didn't miss the glance the two shared as he turned and walked out. What was wrong with him? He wasn't usually like this. He couldn't let his mood ruin anything else.
Once inside his cave he scrabbled around frantically, grabbing a third leaf.
“Moons- please just make me happy!” He cast the third spell, though it came out as more of a desperate plea.
Turtle paused, then grinned as a wild high spread through his chest. Maybe it felt wrong, merely masking his real feelings with a cloud of feign cheer. And maybe it was a bad idea to mess with his own head, but he supposed this was the best option. He didn't want to affect the dragons around him. He turned with a giddy grin at the sound of talons tapping in his doorway.
“Turtle?” Qibli peeked his head in.
“Oh hey, Qibli! What's up!” He said too quickly. The Sandwing looked a little taken aback. Turtle internally cringed at the out of pocket enthusiasm.
“Uh- well you’ve been acting a bit off all day, I thought I'd check on you.” Turtle laughed.
“I’ont know what you’re talking about.” Hysteria rattled around in his chest, This felt wrong. What was happening to him? He was out of control in his own body.
“Turtle- seriously are you feeling alright? You’ve been all over the place.” Small bubbles of laughter kept escaping his snout unprompted.
“I dunno- some weird sickness-” Snort “-Probably!” Qibli frowned. Turtle knew his face was twisted up in an odd smile, he didn't really feel happy. He was trapped. Wrong. He knew deep down it was the careless stacking of mood spells.
“Are you are you sure you’re okay-?”
“Yes yes of course! You can get going, it's getting pretty late now ha!”
“Wait- i-” Turtle started edging him towards the door. “Okay- but if you ever need to talk- um or-” more laughter fizzed in his throat.
“Hehhe ha-” Turtle stopped, then fell to his side, dissolving into manic laughter.
“AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHH” he clutched his side, “HA! HAHAHA” he sputtered, trying and failing to compose himself. Now Qibli looked shocked- and a little frightened.
“Turtle! What's going on!”
“I-I HA- I don't know HA!” He got to his talons, now coughing and heaving. He sputtered between coughs. “S-stop! Make it stop-”
“Turtle! I-ill get someone-” but Turtle lunged on him.
“NO! Dont tell anyone AHAH- this is so- embarassing- Just- go. I’m fine i promise-” Qibli tried to help him up, but Turtle pushed the protesting dragon to the entrance. With a final shove he shut the arched door on him. He flicked around- what was happening to him?
His mania scared him, but that didn't matter. Turtle knew how to get rid of unwanted feelings. He grabbed a final leaf. Usually the spell would wear off after a while, but he wanted it gone now. This will be the last time. He took a deep breath. Drooping his head, he cast the spell. Just take these feelings away.
Not sad, not anxious, not uncomfortably giddy, just normal..
He opened his eyes. He felt normal. He sighed. He took this too far today, he was careless with the wording and Qibli witnessed.. Whatever that was. Turtle curled dejected into his leafy bed, breath slowing as he drifted into a broken, sleepless night.
Feather-grey dawn washed his cave walls with a dove blanket. Turtle forced open his eyes, they were weighed down with the weight of the world. When he stared at the ceiling, all he could think about was how worn his heart felt. How sad he... didn't really feel. He was blank. He let his eyes drift close again.
The next time he opened his eyes, warm light seeped behind the leaf curtains over his window. It cast sheets of light branching over his walls, but he had no energy to get up. He was emptied and faded. He would skip class today. Time passed in a slow blur, he hardly noticed night laying shadows in his room through a haze of falling in and out of sleep. He was warm. Comfortable. He didn't need to move.
When dawn filtered through again, Turtle forced himself up. He didn't deserve any days off- he shouldn't have stayed in yesterday. He was still so tired though, and his bed looked so comfortable.. He felt like a flat soda. Or didn't feel really. It was as if all his feelings had been sucked away. Was he even real anymore if he didn't feel anything?
Turtle found his talons reaching towards his small bag of belongings, and at the bottom was a knife he never thought he’d need again. That was a lie- he always knew it would come back. The only reason he had stopped cutting was because, frankly, he was too lazy. How pathetic was that. He tested the seaglass blade, wincing. Still sharp as ever. He set down the blade nimbly and reached into his bag again, setting the smooth healing rock next to the knife.
He pressed the knife to his arm, swiping once, twice, five times. Twenty times. Not that he was counting. He relished the stinging, for a brief moment his numbness was cut through by pain. Maybe not ideal, but it worked.
Turtle didn't even realize how long he had been watching cherry-red blood trickle down his arm until a ray of sun cushioned itself through his room. He shook his head and brought the river rock to his arm, brushing it lightly over the cuts. He watched as the blood dissipated and the wounds closed, leaving no trace. He forced himself to his feet, hiding both objects before proceeding to stare detached at an odd rock until the sun was almost near its peak.
Turtle got to his first class almost an hour late. Thankfully everyone was too focused to pay any mind to him. He sat in the back of the class in an empty seat, already losing focus. His talons tapped anxiously. He shouldn't have come. Maybe he could sneak back out. He glanced at the exit, but then Kinkajou scooted in next to him with a smile. He returned it weakly. Kinkajou was all sunshine and hibiscus, sweet in every way. Turtle was seaweed and catfish. An annoyance, barely noticeable. But his friends still stayed for reasons he didn't know. Kinkajou wrapped her tail around his, a comforting gesture.
It occurred to Turtle just then that Qibli might have told the others about his outburst last night. Suddenly he was very uncomfortable. He snuck a weary glance at the Sandwing. He seemed like he could keep a secret. But then again, he didn't actually know him very well. Did everyone in this room know about his hysterics? He was sure he could come up with a plausible answer, but before he could think of one the class was over. Turtle tried to be casual, but the illusion was broken by him making a beeline to the exit.
He didn't go to the prey center, tracing the halls back to his cave instead. He couldn't eat anyways- a stomachache gnawed at him again. Soon though, he heard talonsteps behind him. He glanced over his shoulder to see Kinkajou and Qibli trailing him. He slowed his pace rather than speeding ahead, trying to limit more suspicious behavior. He could get this over with and then hide in his cave again- for longer this time. Turtle was hyperaware of the way Qibli was staring at him, but he smoothed his face into a neutral blank.
“Um, hey guys. You should probably go to lunch.” Kinkajou cocked her head.
“Arent you coming?”
“Im not really hungry.” Qibli fell in beside him with a troubled expression.
“When was the last time you ate? We didn't see you yesterday and you didn't finish your fish the day before.” Qibli had probably already noticed the way he picked apart his food lately instead of eating it, though he only brought up the recent offences. Turtle looked down, trying to place the last time he truly had a meal. He wasn't purposely avoiding food, it was just that he was constantly full to the throat with nerves, and the overwhelming noise of the prey center certainly didn't help.
“Um. I don't know.”
“Turtle you haven't been eating?” Kinkajou's scales glimmered with a worried green tipped with feathery blues. He swallowed, speeding up.
“Um i-i mean im not trying to. I just feel.. sick all the time.”
“Turtle! If you're sick we need to take you to the infirmary. What if it gets worse?”
“Is that why you weren't in class yesterday?” Qibli asked.
“N-no- i mean- kind of? Um-” He cut off as they reached his cave and Turtle walked in.
“Look- im a little tired right now, so you guys should just go.” Don't waste your time on me. The two shared a worried look, but Qibli nudged her out. Hushed voices fading as they walked away.
Turtle sighed. He didn't notice when he started trembling. Everything was too much, and not enough at the same time. He was afraid he had messed up his brain yesterday because he still didn't feel right. He stared at the pristine emerald scales on his wrist. All he could think about was the rush of a cut, the sharp pain, and the copper drooling down his wrist. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the compulsion. He hadn't given into it for a while, but once he started it again he wanted more. Why he didn't magic this urge away like every other feeling he had, he wasn't sure. It was too strong. He wanted it. It reverberated in his skull until he couldn't resist dragging out the glassy sharp blade.
He sighed before setting the tip to his scales, swiping firmly. The pressure was never enough. Whether he was feeling too much or nothing at all, he always wanted more. Blood pulsed steadily around the wound. He cut again. Over and over until his arm was covered in a sleeve of crimson. Sometimes he just wanted to let the pain overtake him, to stare at his ruined scales that reminded him he was alive, but if he didn't heal them, then the others might see. He cringed at that thought. What would they think of him then? A depressed attention seeker? He shifted, sinking into the pain.
Turtle froze at the sound of talonsteps building down the hallway, panic seized him at the creak of his door opening.
“Surprise, Turtle! If you won't come eat with us, we’ll just have to bring the food-” Kinkajou shrieked, her scales turning a stark pale green. Turtle froze, locked by fear.
“Kinkajou? What's wrong?” Qibli stumbled behind her, talons full of fish. His eyes widened when he saw Turtle with his limbs full of animal panic and covered in slicks of blood.
“Turtle, three moons!” He dropped the fish before rushing in. He deftly took the now scarlet-tipped dagger away while Turtle let out a sob and tried to grab it back. When Qibli wouldn't give it, he stumbled back and attempted to hide himself, but they had already seen.
“Damn it, I knew something was up- Turtle, why did you do this?” Qibli sounded more worried than judgemental, but his snout was glued shut with fear.
Kinkajou rushed in from the doorway, checking Turtle everywhere. She was trying to make sense of Turtle's pain because why would anyone ever cause themself harm like this? Guilt washed over him at their expressions. Qibli worried- maybe a little angry. Kinkajou panicked with tears pricking in her eyes. She gazed at him sadly.
“Turtle why?” she grasped his talons, upset riddled in her eyes.
“I- I um.” but he could hardly form words past the pounding in his chest. He thought they had left. How could he be so careless? Qibli moved to the door.
“Kinkajou, stay with Turtle. I’ll get some bandages.” Turtle stepped back from Kinkajous' franticity.
“W-wait! It's fine- look-” He dug into his bag for the stone, revealing it to the others before pressing it over the mess. Their eyes widened as his scales stitched back together, leaving only the drops of blood on the floor. He forced a crooked smile, but Qibli still looked worried and Kinkajou stricken. His smile wavered, if it could have been described as a smile in the first place. Qibli met his eyes.
“How long have you been doing this for?”
His face fell. He could lie- He should lie. Tell them it was your first time.
“A few years..”
Kinkajou looked horrified. “Years?! Turtle, why didn't you tell anyone?”
“I-its not a big deal, guys. I mean it's not like I can die from it? A-and if i can just make it disappear there's not an issue!”
“But you’re still hurting yourself! That is a big deal!”
“But why does it matter if it doesn't leave a mark?” Qibli moved next to Kinkajou.
“Because if you feel bad enough to cut yourself then you need to tell someone! We’re your friends, Turtle, please talk to us.” Turtle shied away, feeling cornered.
“I-it just helps. I don't know why, but it makes me feel better.” When they didn't say anything he looked up. Qibli was anguished and Kinkajou looked like she was trying to hold back tears. Guilt sat in his stomach. “It just brings me back to normal when I feel too much, or.. not enough.” He wasn't sure why he was telling them anything. Maybe he could cast a spell to make them forget, but that wouldn't be right. It was one thing to mess with his own head, but changing something about another dragon without their permission was a violation. He sniffed.
“I'm sorry. No one was supposed to know about this.” He gasped as talons embraced him. Kinkajou and Qibli both wrapped him in warmth.
“Dont apologize, It's alright.” He felt his throat tighten.
“It's not though. I-I think I messed up my brain.” He choked out. The two looked at him, confused.
“What do you mean?” Qibli asked. Tears he couldn't hold back brimmed in Turtle's eyes.
“Um. Well, I used my magic? A-and um.”
Understanding dawned in Qiblis eyes. “Is that what happened the other day, when you were acting off?” Turtle looked away, nodding.
“I think I messed up b-because I used my magic to fix my mood, but i-i was careless and now I feel worse than I did before, even though I undid it.” His voice wavered. Qibli and Kinkajou looked at each other. Turtle blinked and through a haze of tears Kinkajou was hugging him again, Qibli wrapped a wing around him.
“If you undid it, I'm sure your brain is fine.”
“But I still don't feel better.”
“I think that's okay, feeling bad is normal. It’s just important to talk to someone about it so it doesn't get worse.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.” Qibli smiled reassuringly.
“We’re here now, and we always will be. Please talk to us if you feel like this again,” Kinkajou sniffed. “Because I couldn't bear it if something went bad.” Not even animus magic can undo death. Especially if that animus is the dead one. He never would've taken it that far though, right? He wouldn't have let it get that bad. Turtle sniffed, and then realized tears were tracking down his snout. His voice broke.
“Im s-sorry. It was never supposed to b-be like this.” They only hugged him tighter.
“We love you, Turtle. We’ll always be here for you.” He smiled, knowing they were telling the truth. It would be okay.