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“I’m sorry, Mike.”
“What? Why?” They were in the back of the Surfer Boy van, halfway between the Nevada desert where they’d found El and Hawkins. El was leaning against him, like she had been since they had left the restaurant. After she’d fought Vecna from the bath, she’d shot up, hungry and full of adrenaline. But it hadn’t taken long for the bone-deep tiredness to wash over her.
She’s barely been able to stay upright on the bench seat. Mike had been holding her for the last few hours of the drive, making sure she was safe from falling off the seat as Argyle and Jonathan took turns behind the wheel. He was sure she had been asleep for most of that time.
He’d chose to stay in the van when the others got out for a break, picking out what convenience store snacks they could afford with their remaining pocket money scrounged together. Jonathan, Will, and Argyle had all been eager for the opportunity to stretch their legs and walk off the car sickness that was almost inevitable on a ride this long. He hadn’t wanted to do anything that could disturb El, and had hoped him staying still meant she’d be able to continue resting. He knew how badly she needed it.
But she’d woken up now. And was apparently awake enough to be feeling apologetic about something.
“I lied,” she said, quietly. He could hear the clear shame in her voice. He pulled her closer.
“It’s okay, El. I wish you hadn’t felt the need to hide anything from me. But you know I understand.” He’d already said as much when they’d talked about this in her bedroom in Lenora. He’d been at the brunt end of the bullies back in Hawkins his whole life. He knew how it felt to just want to wish those experiences away. Pretend they weren’t real.
“But it’s not. I lied, Mike. I’m sorry.” A tear rolled down her cheek as she met his eye. She looked so exhausted. He pulled her even tighter, wishing he could carry every last bit of the weight she had sitting so heavy on her, even for just a little while.
“El, it’s alright. I promise. Lying isn’t good, but everyone does it sometimes.”
“You don’t,” she said, looking up at him with the saddest expression he’d ever seen.
“I do,” he said. Her eyes widened. “I did just the other day. To you.”
“About what?” Her brows furrowed with worry. Seeing that, he couldn’t leave her in suspense. Couldn’t stand being the reason for any more of her worry or pain.
“I lied about being bad at rollerblading. I had my sixth, seventh, and eighth birthday parties at the roller rink back home. The longer limbs since then have made it a bit harder for me to keep balanced without looking like a giraffe on wheels,” she grinned a little at the comparison. “But the truth is, I just wanted an excuse to not have to let go of your hand.” He placed his own over hers now, and gave it a squeeze.
She let out a laugh, one that signaled tension relieved. It was a gorgeous sound to his ears.
“El, there’s nothing you could ever do that would make me stop,” he tried not to stumble over his words now. It was a habit he was so determined to break. “There’s nothing you could do that could ever make me stop loving you. Okay?”
The worried lines on her face smoothed out. Her eyes softened as she laid her head back on him.
“I just want you to feel like you can always be honest with me. But it’s not like we don’t all tell white lies here and there.”
“White lies?”
“Like small lies. Not about something big or important. Maybe exaggerate how much you like someone’s cooking to make them happy, or not tell someone about something because you think it will only make them sad and it’s not important that they find out about the thing.”
“Like how I didn’t want you worrying about me?”
“Yeah, like that. Or like me wanting an excuse to stay close to you at the rink. You didn’t lie about being friends with Angela to deceive or hurt me, just like I didn’t lie about the skating for a bad reason. You did what you did because you didn’t want to have to talk about what you were going through. Or want me to worry about you. But El, that’s what I’m here for,” he shifted to sit up straighter, wanting her to really listen to what he was telling her. “That’s my job as your boyfriend. To worry about you. And to support you. To protect you, even when you’re leagues stronger than me. Okay?”
Her mouth twitched, like it was considering curving into a smile again. Her eyes looked more relieved, more hopeful than they had a minute ago. “Okay.”
He smiled, satisfied she understood. That she could forgive herself for something he never even thought about having to. He leaned his face into her hair, closing his eyes, feeling relieved as her arm tightened around his ribs.
She felt lighter in his arms now.