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Drowning in an ocean of thoughts was not a fun experience. Not when you were pushed forward into the abyss by a jet stream of thoughts. And even as you tried to swim back to the surface, the pull of gravity was stronger, and there was no normal contact force to save you. Just that irrational, cold void.
A muted voice called from the surface, just barely passing through the water.
“…ku…”
It got louder.
“..nku…?”
Until suddenly Senku had stopped dissociating and realised he had dropped his fork.
“Senku? What’s wrong?”
“Huh? Oh- I’m ok.”
“Are you sure?”
He nodded, his gaze unfocused.
“You’ve not been eating that much, and you’re doing that thing again. You can’t keep this up. It’s not fair on you or us.”
Gen’s voice was hushed, not wanting to ruin the mood whilst everyone ate together on the boat.
“It’s cold. I’m heading inside.”
“Ah- wait!”
Gen followed him into his room.
“Senku? You’ve been acting like this for a while. Even before we defeated the Empire of Might. What happened?”
You can’t talk underwater. No matter how many people tried to dive in after you, not a single word could be uttered, and sound didn’t travel well under water.
“Well, I’ve kinda got the weight of the world on my shoulders, literally. I’m gonna be a little stressed, but it’s fine. Seriously.”
He tried to give the most sincere look that his face could possibly muster.
“Take care. Please.”
Gen saw right through him, but Senku was a stubborn man, more than Gen could chew, so the older man walked hesitantly out of the room.
The sun was retreating into the water and leaving behind vibrant hues of amber and rose, but they too were consumed by the vantablack sky. Tomorrow would be better. The sun would rise again. It always does. But is that really justification for the way he’s been acting? Just the other day, he snapped at Kohaku. All she did was try to make sure he was ok.
‘You can’t keep saying you’re fine. You’re so smart so why do something so dumb?’
That line struck a nerve. It struck a nerve because it was what he’d been telling himself. What was he doing? This isn’t how a prodigy should behave. It was pathetic. Neglecting his health, neglecting his friends, ignoring everything. The way he buried himself in work wasn’t going to fix things.
Over and over and over the numbers flowed through and pushed him further down, made it harder to breathe as he sank to the bottom. Suffocating in a prison of his own making. The days merged into a hazy fever dream of foggy memories that he couldn’t seem to piece together.
The floorboards creaked, indicating a new person’s arrival.
Someone new for you to hurt.
He forced that thought out as Luna poked her head around the corner.
“Oh uh… hi Senku! I was just- calmly taking a stroll and thought you um- might wanna join me for a walk?”
A walk. But it’s with another person. That meant trying to connect. Is that what he wanted? But a yes had already slipped out.
“Oh! Uh- good. Yeah. Um…”
She stood there and waited for him to start walking with her. He sighed and followed her outside.
“How’re your wounds?”
She started to sound more sincere.
“They’re fine.”
“You um- seem to say fine a lot, even when you’re not fine… you said that when I found them too…”
That’s right. He was forced to connect with Luna if he didn’t want to cause any problems for himself. It was doomed to be like this.
“You can think whatever you want, but it won’t lead to anything.”
She felt incompetent when he said that, hiding her face from him. What kind of nurse was she? He was right, if she couldn’t keep her own patients in tact, then why did she try so hard, why try for him?
“I just want you to be okay… we are dating.”
“But you know I can’t feel the same way. I told you already. This is just a political courting.”
“Why does it have to be that serious? You’re 19, why not- live a little? I don’t mind if you can’t love me, atleast- you care, don’t you?”
Live a little. He’d been trying to live a lot since arriving to the Americas. He’d been shot for God’s sake.
“This isn’t gonna work.”
She fell silent, soft whimpering indicating that she was ready to ball her eyes out at any minute. Way to go Senku.
“I’m sorry.”
He didn’t know where to go from here, so he simply pulled her close, and let her cry, his guilt swallowing him whole.
——
It was dark outside, a soft humming could be heard throughout the underbelly of the Perseus. It rang through Senku’s ears, keeping him from being submerged back into the deep seas. He stared up at the ceiling, his stomach growling.
He kept staring up at the ceiling, focusing on how it obstructed his view of the stars. He can’t sleep. He can’t be awake. And so he was trapped in limbo.
He needed to move. Go somewhere. It didn’t matter where exactly, he just had to move.
The deck was tranquil when no one was there. The gentle breeze carrying the scent of the woods, softly blowing Senku’s hair back.
“You’ve been up for a while haven’t you?”
Ryusui’s booming voice was reduced to a faint whisper.
“Yeah.”
“Not gonna fight back again are you? This is the third time I’ve caught you like this, it’s gonna come out eventually.”
“Yeah…”
Ryusui stood next to him and leaned against the fencing of the ship.
“So, what’s got our scientist so down?”
Senku was hesitant, not sure whether Ryusui would actually say what he needed to hear, or leave him disappointed like he always was.
“I haven’t told anyone this, but- back in the old world, I was diagnosed with mild depression. It’s not a big deal, it just gets to me sometimes.”
“It is a big deal, and I want you to acknowledge that.”
“Sure.”
The captain placed a hand on his head.
“You’re still a teenager. Whatever you feel is a big deal. So if you’re going through something, then I wanna help, and I always get what I want.”
“I don’t need to be babied. We’re only 4 years apart.”
“But I’m still your elder. As captain, and as your friend, it’s my responsibility to care for you, so let me do that.”
He took a deep breath, his cold gaze gaining a bit of warmth to it, and he felt himself slowly being reeled back up to the surface.
Ryusui brought him down to the kitchen, where Francois was already preparing something in.
“Here as you requested, a warm cup of hot chocolate. Is there anything else you desire Master Ryusui?”
“No. That’s all. Thank you.”
Ryusui’s voice was dulcet and low, almost like a caregiver.
“Here.”
He handed Senku a cup, and he stared down at the little marshmallows floating at the top. It was simplistically childish, but it was comforting to have such a natural human interaction when he got like this, like what Byakuya used to do.
“You’re a strong kid y’know.”
“Heh, yeah, if I wasn’t, then who’d revive humanity?”
“It’s not just that, it’s the fact you can do all of this, go through the most harrowing experience, and still wake up in the morning. You should be proud of that.”
“It’s kinda undermined if I can’t stay strong.”
He looks at the floor, idly drinking his hot chocolate.
“All buildings are torn down eventually, but they get rebuilt into something new, that’s just the process.”
“Yeah. I know.”
That optimism was what let him wake up in the morning. He was his own therapist, but he wasn’t two people, and this moment was something he couldn’t do in his head. It wasn’t a repeatable experiment.
“Tomorrow, if you’re still feeling like this, you make sure you tell someone alright?”
“Ok.”
Ryusui’s fingers carded through his hair. He only ever had it down when he was asleep, or atleast trying to sleep, since it got in his way when he worked.
“Now let’s get you to bed.”
The waters had calmed, and he reached the surface, the jet stream muted into a soft push. He felt like he could breathe, for now. These momentary pockets of oxygen counteracted the resultant force of the oceans pull. He would be ok.
The younger was escorted to his room and fell into bed, immediately starting to fall asleep. The blonde made sure he was properly covered before leaving.
“Good night…”