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“We’re finally done!” Leo cheered. It was the last stage for their debut song Freak Alarm. After what felt like months of endless training and non-stop performances, they were finally finished.
Sanghyeon was fiddling with Geonwoo’s sleeves, bumping his shoulder against his back just to annoy him. It didn’t last long before he got bored and decided to find a new target.
“Anxin hyung!” Sanghyeon shouted, dragging the last syllable as long as he could before pouncing on Anxin.
“Xiao Zhu, you scared me.” Anxin giggled, letting himself be lifted into the air by Sanghyeon. “What is it?”
“Nothing, just missed you hyung.” Sanghyeon nuzzled his nose into Anxin’s neck.
“Aigoo, you’re so cute.” Anxin pinched his cheeks hard, causing Sanghyeon to groan in retaliation.
This was just a normal day for the group, Anxin and Sanghyeon fooling around. They were the youngest of the group so it was normal for them to be closer.
But ever since the peppero challenge at Inkigayo, Sanghyeon’s mind has been all over the place.
He didn’t hesitate to volunteer being Anxin’s peppero partner. He’s always on the receiving end of his kisses anyways.
However this time was different. This would be his first time kissing Anxin’s lips. Usually, Anxin only aimed for his forehead, cheek, and when he was closer in proximity, the tip of Sanghyeon's nose. They shared nothing more beyond those.
So to say Sanghyeon was nervous would be an understatement.
He was practically trembling with nerves as he stepped in front, watching Anxin bite the stick with such nonchalance, waiting for Sanghyeon to start the challenge. How could Sanghyeon act normal! He swallowed all the nerves as best as he can before he started biting the stick. The closer he got to Anxin, the more warmth he could feel radiating from the older's face. When he realised Anxin was moving forward as well, he closed his eyes shut before they could widen too much.
This was everything he’d dreamed of.
Not in a weird way, of course. But he’s too ashamed to face Anxin when his heart is racing a million miles a second.
And the minute Anxin backed away from him, Sanghyeon felt like a part of him was forcefully torn away.
It hasn’t been that long since he realised he had a small (maybe larger than normal) crush on Anxin. The way he takes care of him, holds him, teases him, and kisses him all feels so special and directed only for him.
Except it wasn’t.
Because someone else in the group was getting the equal amount of Anxin affection as him.
Lee Sangwon.
It was no doubt Anxin loved Sangwon. They have always been close ever since Boys 2 Planet. However, Sanghyeon speculates Anxin had developed a crush on Sangwon somewhere along the way and the feeling was almost 100% reciprocated.
Sanghyeon resorts to sulking over his dilemma in his shared room with Geonwoo, but whenever Geonwoo asks him what’s wrong he can’t tell him. Just a lame excuse or a ‘it’s nothing’.
Saying it out loud would make it feel too real. The possibility of ruining their groups dynamic haunts him as well. And he can’t let that happen.
That brings us back to today. The group was back at their waiting room, waiting to monitor their Freak Alarm stage. Sangwon looked particularly tired so he sat at the side to take a short nap, Anxin follows suit, sitting beside Sangwon and playing with his hair. Sanghyeon can only watch from afar, wishing it was him Anxin payed special attention to.
“Sanghyeon ah, our stage is about to start.” Junseo taps Sanghyeon’s thighs, not failing to notice his line of gaze towards to other two.
He unwillingly tears his eyes away from the duo and forces himself to focus on their prerecorded stage.
But if you asked him honestly, he wasn't focusing on the screen at all. His was trying to sneak glances at the other two through his peripheral vision and his heart dropped when he saw Anxin press a kiss on Sangwon's forehead.
Sanghyeon knew Anxin kisses all their members. He wasn't so called 'special' for receiving kisses from the latter. So why does it hurt so much?
Nonetheless, he knows his place in Anxin's heart and he's grateful to even be receiving any affection from the Chinese boy.
After the stage ends, the group disperses into different parts of the room, Sangwon and Geonwoo have left to go pick up food, Leo and Junseo were talking to the manager and Xinlong was face timing Arno who was back at their dorm resting.
Sanghyeon saw Anxin sitting by himself and worked up some courage to finally ask him what’s been eating him up inside.
“Anxin hyung!”
“Sanghyeonie, come here.” Anxin pats his lap which Sanghyeon obediently lies on.
“Can I ask you something?” Sanghyeon looks ups expectedly, to which Anxin nods, combing his hand through Sanghyeons black locks. “What is it that you like in a guy?”
Anxin ponders for a moment. “Well, I like when they can pull off sexy and cute at the same time, something like Sangwon hyung!”
“Ahh… I see.” Sanghyeon visibly deflates after hearing this, he hopes it isn’t too obvious to Anxin and buried his face in Anxin’s shirt.
On the drive back, Sanghyeon sat as far away from Anxin as possible. He was lost in his own thoughts and was worried maybe Anxin suddenly got magic powers and could hear him chanting sexy like Sangwon over fifty times.
But he knows that’s impossible… right?
Leo gently pet his shoulder in an “are you okay?” gesture, which Sanghyeon forces the most “I am okay please do not ask anymore questions” smile he could muster. Which worked because Leo let out a small sigh and shifted his focus to his phone again. His group mates were very good at spotting emotions so hiding it from them was a challenge in and of itself.
The real challenge for Sanghyeon was how could he be sexy and cute like Sangwon.
“Good job for today. Get some rest guys! Tomorrow is your off day so no need to wake up early.” Their manager waved them goodbye as they all returned to their respective dorms.
“Hyung! Im gonna go back to the dance room for a moment, you guys go back first.” Sanghyeon said before rushing off to their practice studio, ignoring Geonwoo's queries.
Sanghyeon's feet had a mind of it’s own, running till he reached the dance room. But he didn’t turn on the speakers.
He didn’t even look at the mirrors.
Instead, he dropped onto the cold wooden floor with his back against the wall and pulled his phone out of his pocket.
His thumb hovered over the X.
He hesitated. Then, slowly, he opened Sangwon’s posts.
Black-and-white photos.
Leather jacket.
Mirror pics with elegance and sharp shadows.
Head tilted just enough to expose his jaw.
Eyes half-lidded, staring into the camera like he knew exactly what kind of reaction it would cause from fans.
Sanghyeon swallowed.
This.
This is what Anxin liked.
The way Sangwon made even sitting in a chair look deliberate. The way his hands rested so loosely, like he wasn’t trying at all. The way he looked… comfortable being looked at.
Sanghyeon opened the camera app on his phone, mirroring and adjusting his movement to mimic the same angles Sangwon did in his photos.
“I can do that...”
The words felt ridiculous the moment he said them out loud.
He stood up and walked to the corner of the room where the old practice chair was pushed against the wall. He dragged it into position, angling it the way he remembered Sangwon doing his photo dumps on Plus Chat.
He tried to make it look casual, like he took this in one shot. But it felt stiff, unlike him.
He crossed his legs like Sangwon did. Immediately uncrossed them.
It felt unnatural. Like he was wearing someone else’s skin. He lifted his hand to his hair at, making it seem casual.
Sanghyeon stared at the photo.
…No.
He looked like he was waiting for a bus.
He deleted it.
This time, he tried leaning his elbow on the back of the chair, letting his shoulders slump a little. He tilted his head downward instead of lifting it. He tried not to smile.
Better.
But his eyes gave him away. He still looked too cute, not the duality Anxin likes.
He pressed his lips together.
Sangwon never looked like he was thinking about how he looked.
That was the problem. Sanghyeon was thinking about it too much. Which lead him to sitting there for almost an hour. Trying different angles, lighting, expressions.
By the end, his phone was warm in his hands.
And when he finally found one photo he didn’t immediately hate, his chest tightened.
He looked… different.
Not better, but different. Less like himself and more like someone who wanted to be seen.
He stared at it for a long time.
Then, before he could overthink it, he posted it to Plus Chat.
“Guess Who”.
Their group chat came alive instantly, chat bubbles appearing the minute it was uploaded.
🩵Junseo🩵:
…oh?
❤️Leo❤️ :
??
💙Geonwoo💙:
who is this
🧡Xinlong🧡:
why do you look like you’re about to steal someone’s boyfriend
Sanghyeon nearly dropped his phone.
He buried his face in his hands.
This was definitely a mistake.
Ding. His eyes widened. That sound, it was the special ring tone he had set only for one person.
🩷Anxin🩷:
…Sanghyeonie?
Sanghyeon froze.
🩷Anxin🩷:
where did you take this?
His fingers hovered over the screen.
dance room.
He typed it.
Anxin read it almost immediately.
🩷Anxin🩷:
oh
Only that.
Only one word.
For some reason, it made Sanghyeon more nervous than if Anxin had spammed him with teasing emojis.
He locked his phone and exhaled shakily.
Was this a mistake?
The next few days were strange.
Sanghyeon started watching Sangwon in a different way. Not by how he laughed or talked, but by the way he just existed and behaved in front of cameras.
During their MiuMiu shoot, Sanghyeon lingered near the set instead of leaving with the others for their lunch break.
Sangwon was lying on the bed, listening to the photographer’s instructions. He nodded slowly, eyes half-focused, like he was conserving energy.
And when the camera lifted, Sangwon didn’t change much.
Just a subtle shift in posture, slower breath a slight tilt of his chin.
And that was it. He didn’t force expressions, he let his body do the work.
Sanghyeon memorised it like he was studying for his CSAT.
Later on when it was his turn, he tried. He didn’t smile right away, didn’t do any large gestures or movements to the camera. He just leaned his weight onto one hip, let his shoulders relax and allowed the space between his movements stretch.
The photographer paused. “Hold that.”
Sanghyeon’s heart jumped.
After the shoot, while he was reviewing the preview monitor, someone quietly stood beside him.
“You look cool.”
Anxin’s voice.
Sanghyeon’s fingers tightened around the towel in his hand.
“Ah… really?”
Anxin nodded.
“You didn’t look like you were trying.”
The words struck deeper than Anxin probably meant them to.
Sanghyeon laughed softly, something solemn in his voice that Anxin can’t quite pick out.
“I was, though.”
Anxin glanced at him.
Something unreadable flickered in his eyes.
Sanghyeon’s efforts didn’t just stop at official schedules. He started taking photos in the dorm, in the hallway mirror, in the dark living room with only the TV light reflecting off his face.
On the balcony, sitting on the railing, jacket draped loosely over his shoulders.
Always in landscape, quiet and careful not to smile into the camera.
Because Sangwon always look polished in his pictures. He looked untouchable.
One night, while everyone else was crowded in the kitchen eating convenience store ramyeon, Sanghyeon slipped into his room and posted another photo.
This one was softer than the ones he’d been posting lately.
He was sitting on the edge of his bed, phone resting on his knee, eyes lowered.
It was meant to look accidental but of course it wasn’t.
Three minutes passed.
Then.
A notification.
Anxin replied to your Plus Chat.
“You look good Sanghyeon-ie 🩷🩷🩷”
Sanghyeon’s heart slammed so hard it actually hurt.
Then a message.
🩷Anxin🩷:
you’ve been posting a lot lately
Sanghyeon:
ㅎㅎ… is that bad?
🩷Anxin🩷:
no
🩷Anxin🩷:
just…
Another pause, Sanghyeon waited.
🩷Anxin🩷:
you look different
There it was again.
Different.
Sanghyeon rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling.
Sanghyeon:
people change
Anxin didn’t reply immediately.
When he finally did, the message was short.
🩷Anxin🩷:
I guess so…
The problem was that the more Sanghyeon tried to become what he thought Anxin liked, the more something small inside him started to ache.
Because Anxin still treated him the same.
Still as gentle, as affectionate, and as playful as before.
Anxin still calls him Xiao Zhu in that soft teasing voice.
Still lets him rest his head on his shoulder during van rides, still fixes his sleeves, still brushes his hair back when it fell into his eyes.
But now, there was something new in Anxin’s gaze.
Like he was trying to recognise someone who kept slipping out of focus.
It became impossible to ignore the tension between who Sanghyeon was and who he was trying to be, and it all came crashing down on a quiet evening.
They were alone in the dorm living room.
Everyone else had gone out to buy snacks.
Sanghyeon was sitting on the floor, scrolling through photos, debating whether to upload another one.
Anxin walked out of the hallway but his footsteps came to a halt when he saw him.
“…You’re editing again?” Anxin asked.
Sanghyeon looked up.
“Just fixing the lighting.”
Anxin sat down beside him. Close, too close. Their knees brushed against each other.
Sanghyeon’s breath caught instinctively.
Anxin leaned in. But it wasn’t to look at the screen.
But at him.
“You know…” Anxin’s voice was gentle, but serious. “You don’t have to do this.”
Sanghyeon felt his body stiffen, close to a deer in headlights. “…Do what?”
Anxin lifted his hand and lightly tapped the phone in Sanghyeon’s palm.
“This.”
Sanghyeon laughed weakly. “It’s just pictures, hyung.”
But Anxin didn’t smile. “No.”He shook his head, directing his gaze to look at Sanghyeon carefully, “It’s not.”
The room felt very small all of a sudden. Sanghyeon’s chest tightened. Anxin opened his mouth but closed it, unsure of whether to ask or not. “…Are you trying to be Sangwon?”
The question landed softly, but it hit like a punch.
“I—what?” Sanghyeon’s breath stuttered.
Anxin’s eyes softened immediately when he saw his expression. “I’m not blaming you,” he said quickly. “I just…” He searched for words. “You’ve been watching him a lot. And the way you pose. The way you look at the camera. The timing. Even the filters.”
Sanghyeon’s throat burned as he looked down at his phone.
He’d been caught.
“…I just thought…” His voice came out small.
Anxin waited.
Sanghyeon’s fingers curled into the hem of his hoodie.“I thought you liked that.”
Anxin’s brows knit together.
“Liked… what?”
“Liked Sangwon hyung.”
The name felt heavy on his tongue.
“You’re always around him, clinging onto him and hugging his waist. I thought you’d see me differently if I became more like him.”
Silence fell between them. Anxin stared at him.
For a long moment, he didn’t speak. And Sanghyeon felt the familiar fear rise in his chest.
This was it.
He’d made things awkward.
He’d crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed.
He’d ruined the comfortable, safe place he had beside Anxin.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered quickly. “I didn’t mean to be weird, I just.”
“Sanghyeon.”
Anxin’s voice cut through his spiral. Firm but somehow filled with warmth.
Sanghyeon looked up.
Anxin’s expression was complicated.
Soft yet tired.
And something else he couldn’t quite name.
“Why do you think I like Sangwon?”
Sanghyeon hesitated before responding. “…Because you’re always with him.”
Anxin smiled faintly.
“Because he’s my friend.”
Sanghyeon’s chest tightened painfully.
“And you take care of him a lot.”
Anxin let out a small, breathy laugh.
“I take care of you more.”
The words slipped out so naturally that both of them froze.
Anxin’s eyes widened slightly.
Sanghyeon felt heat rush to his face.
The room went unbearably quiet.
“You really didn’t notice, did you?” Anxin slowly lowered his gaze.
Sanghyeon’s voice trembled. “Notice… what?”
Anxin lifted his hand.
Hesitated, then gently took Sanghyeon’s wrist.
Not pulling, just holding. Grounding him.
“I’ve been worried about you.”
Sanghyeon swallowed.
“Hyung…”
“You keep trying to make yourself smaller around me lately,” Anxin said softly. “Or… quieter. Like you’re hiding.”
Sanghyeon’s eyes burned.
Anxin’s thumb brushed lightly over his wrist.
“I never wanted you to change for me.”
Sanghyeon shook his head weakly.
“I just wanted you to look at me the way you look at him.”
Anxin inhaled sharply.
His grip tightened, just a little.
“…Sanghyeon.”
The way he said his name this time made Sanghyeon’s heart twist painfully.
Anxin’s fingers were still wrapped gently around Sanghyeon’s wrist.
“I look at you differently.”
The words stayed suspended between them.
Sanghyeon didn’t answer right away.
He couldn’t.
His chest felt too full, like if he tried to speak, everything he’d been holding back for weeks would spill out all at once.
“Differently… how?”
The question came out small.
Almost fragile.
Anxin’s brows drew together the moment he heard his tone.
He shifted closer without really realising it, until their knees were fully touching and Sanghyeon’s shoulder brushed his arm.
“Not like Sangwon,” Anxin said quietly.
Sanghyeon built the courage to look at Anxin, and he wasn’t sure if he regrets it, because his eyes were full of something close to love.
“I care about him. He’s important to me. But… it’s not like this.”
Sanghyeon’s breath hitched.
“…Then how is it?”
Anxin lifted his free hand slowly. He hesitated just a little before touching Sanghyeon’s face as if giving him time to pull away.
But Sanghyeon didn’t.
Anxin’s fingers brushed softly along his cheek, stopping just under his eye.
“You make me worry more than anyone else,” Anxin whispered. And that sentence alone made Sanghyeon’s heart stutter.
“You make me notice things I don’t notice with other people.” His thumb traced the faint dark circle beneath Sanghyeon’s eye.
“You look tired and I wonder if you slept enough. You get quiet and I start thinking about what I said wrong. When you disappear into the practice room late at night, I check my phone to see if you messaged me.”
Sanghyeon stared at him completely frozen.
Anxin let out a small, embarrassed breath through his nose.
“I thought I was being obvious.”
“I thought you were just being kind,” Sanghyeon whispered.
Anxin shook his head. “No.” He looked straight at him. “I’m not this careful with everyone.”
The room felt unbearably intimate. Sanghyeon’s hands were resting uselessly in his lap.
He curled his fingers slowly, like he needed something to hold onto.
“…Then why didn’t you say anything?”
The question hurt to ask. Anxin’s gaze softened because he understood exactly what it meant.
“Because you’re younger,” he said honestly. “Because we’re in the same group. Because I didn’t want you to feel pressured or confused.” His voice dropped even lower.
“And because I thought… you only saw me as your hyung.”
Sanghyeon’s eyes widened. “That’s not all you are to me… but I was scared to let myself think about you any other way,” he admitted.
“If I named it, then it would start to hurt more.”
Anxin’s fingers curled gently into the fabric of Sanghyeon’s hoodie.
“…But it already was hurting you.”
Sanghyeon nodded.
His eyes burned.
“That’s why I tried to change.” Sanghyeon laughed weakly. 'It sounds so stupid, I know.”
Anxin’s thumb brushed lightly over the back of his hand.
“It's not stupid,” he said quietly. “I’m here now, aren’t I?”
Sanghyeon lowered his head.
“I thought if I looked more like what you liked… maybe you’d notice me.”
Anxin lifted his chin with two fingers very carefully.
“So you really thought I only noticed you now?”
Sanghyeon’s lips trembled. ‘Cute’ Anxin thought.
“…A little.”
Anxin exhaled slowly. There was something sad in his smile.
“Sanghyeon, you’ve always had my attention.”
He leaned in just slightly.
Not enough to touch, but enough to close the space between them.
“You just didn’t believe you were allowed to.”
Sanghyeon’s breath caught.
The words wrapped around something deep in his chest and loosened it.
“…Hyung.”
Anxin’s eyes flicked to his lips then back to his eyes.
“If I kiss you,” he said quietly, carefully, “will you regret it later?”
Sanghyeon shook his head immediately.
“No.”
The answer came without hesitation.
“I’ve been wanting you to look at me like this for too long to regret it.”
Anxin smiled faintly. Sanghyeon could feel the nerves radiate from Anxin’s smaller frame.
“Okay.”
He leaned forward slowly, giving Sanghyeon time to change his mind.
Their foreheads brushed first. It was warm and comfortable. Their noses barely touched. Sanghyeon’s breath mingled with his.
Anxin’s hand slid up from his wrist to rest against his jaw.
And then their lips met.
It was gentle. So gentle it almost felt like it might disappear if Sanghyeon didn’t hold onto it.
Sanghyeon froze for a split second.
Then his body caught up to his heart.
His hands lifted instinctively and grabbed the front of Anxin’s shirt to ground himself.
The kiss deepened slowly.
Their mouths moved together in a quiet, unpractised rhythm.
There was no rush in their movement, it was slow and deliberate. Anxin licks the bottom on Sanghyeon lips to test his reaction and Sanghyeon moans into his mouth.
Anxin swallows the sound and Sanghyeon makes a quick note to ask him where he got all his experience from.
When Anxin tilted his head slightly, Sanghyeon followed without thinking. He trusted him completely.
After what felt like forever (closer to 2 minutes) when they finally pulled apart, their lips stayed close.
Sanghyeon’s breath trembled.
Anxin rested his forehead against his.
“…You don’t have to become someone else for me,” he murmured.
“I think I finally understand that.” Sanghyeon let out a shaky laugh.
Anxin smiled softly. “You trying so hard just to be liked…” His thumb brushed under Sanghyeon’s eye again. “That was already very you.”
Sanghyeon’s eyes watered.
“…I really am cute, then?”
Anxin laughed quietly.
“Yes, Xiao Zhu. You’re very cute”
He leaned in and pressed a quick, soft kiss to the corner of Sanghyeon’s mouth.
“And sexy.”
Sanghyeon groaned and hid his face against Anxin’s shoulder.
“Hyung…”
Anxin laughed heartily while wrapping his arms around him easily lle it had always belonged there.
And for the first timesince the photos, since the silent watching and guessing and copying, Sanghyeon finally stopped wondering who Anxin was looking at.
Because now he knew.
It was him.