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“Stay the night, Juwon-ah?” Dongsik’s face in the dim light of the alleyway holds the same expression it did in the bright butcher shop, but his eyes hold a sudden spark now. Something akin to expectation and hope.
Juwon’s heart sinks at his words. The truth is, Juwon has never dated anyone before, nor has he ever sought it. For him, Dongsik’s words light something inside him, and it burns. It’s not the usual warmth he brings to Juwon’s cheeks; it’s sharp, unsafe to touch. He knows he cares for Dongsik, knows he loves him, but Juwon can’t give Dongsik what he is asking for. His chest stings at the realisation that he can’t be enough for Dongsik.
“Hyung, I’m sorry,” Juwon’s head hangs low. “I’m sorry.”
“Yah, Inspector Han, it’s okay,” Dongsik says with a lilt in his voice. “Don’t take this old man so seriously.”
Juwon hates himself for making Dongsik say those words. “I’m sorry—”
“Han Juwon, look at me.”
When Juwon looks up, the spark in Dongsik’s eyes is gone, replaced now with a dull look. His lips are holding a sly smile, the one he reserves for people he isn’t accustomed to.
“I said it’s okay. You don’t need to apologize. Go home now, okay?”
Before Juwon can say something more, Dongsik is already walking ahead. Juwon wishes he would look back, at least once, give him that big smile like he always did. This time, Dongsik doesn’t turn around.
“I’m sorry, Dongsik-ssi,” Juwon whispers to himself.
—
For the next few days, Juwon racks his head to understand what Dongsik had meant. He could’ve simply asked Juwon to sleep at his house because it was late. They had done that before, so why did Juwon have to take it the wrong way this time? Was it the expectation his eyes held for Juwon?
But what if Dongsik had meant it the other way? What if Dongsik had actually wanted to sleep with Juwon? Juwon was inexperienced when it came to sex, and to make it worse, he never had plans to engage in it anyway. Juwon had always accepted this fact and knew he didn’t want something more. But, what if it was Dongsik asking?
Juwon was aware of the feelings he harbored for Dongsik. He loved Dongsik, loved him indefinitely. Now, he questioned if his love was ever genuine if he couldn’t give Dongsik the one thing he had asked for? It pained Juwon awfully to deny the other man of something. He had never known how to do it.
So, the next time Juwon receives a text inviting him to a dinner at Jaeyi’s, Juwon resolves to get the answers. He reaches Manyang an hour early and waits in his car. When his eyes find Dongsik approaching, his heart picks up. He exits the car and rushes towards Dongsik.
“Hyung,” Juwon says to get his attention.
Dongsik’s gaze finds his, and he smiles. Juwon wipes his palms on his jeans as Dongsik walks closer.
“About the other night—” Juwon starts, before Dongsik interrupts him.
“Han Juwon,” his voice is guarded, a bit louder. “It’s all in the past. Why do you want to bring it up again?”
Juwon takes a step back at the words. He knows he has wronged Dongsik and needs to make up for it. “No, hyung. Listen to me.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
“Hyung,” Juwon whines. “Please.”
Dongsik’s face morphs into one of his small smiles again, and he pats Juwon on the shoulder once. “Let’s go eat, Inspector Han.”
And, yet again, Dongsik is walking away from him. Juwon touches the spot where Dongsik’s fingers rested a moment ago.
—
At the dinners, Dongsik behaves the way he always does. He looks at Juwon the same way, treats him the same way. He smiles at him when he needs to, makes jokes when he needs to. Juwon is almost starting to forget he had ruined something between them when he shows up at Jaeyi’s shop one day, and Dongsik isn’t there.
That is unusual, because Juwon is a little late and everyone else is already there. Jihoon keeps giggling, and his sister keeps hushing him. Her hands conceal a tiny smile playing at her lips.
Juwon helps bring Jaeyi the food to the table and sits down. The seat to his right remains empty.
“Stop making fun of Ahjussi, will you?” Jaeyi says to Jihoon as she takes a seat.
Juwon looks between her and Jihwa, trying to find out what is going on. Jihwa catches his eye and smiles.
“Inspector Han, did Dongsik tell you?” She says, teasingly.
“Tell me what?” Juwon looks around confusedly.
Jihoon giggles again, and Jaeyi gives him a stare.
“That he is going on a date.”
A date? Dongsik on a date?
A strange feeling twists inside Juwon’s stomach, and he suddenly loses his appetite. Dongsik went on a date without mentioning it to him. He told everyone else but him. Why? Who is he going on a date with? Is this their second one? The third one? Is he going to ask them to stay the night?
Juwon’s insides curl; he feels like throwing up. He pushes his bowl away.
“So, you didn’t know,” Jihwa muses, picking up her chopsticks. “Don’t worry, Inspector Han. We only found out yesterday, too.”
“Who is it?” Juwon looks down at the table, trying to focus.
Jihoon perks up at that. “It’s someone from Hyung's old workplace in Seoul. That guy has had a crush on Hyung for ages; everyone at our station knows. Can you believe Dongsik-hyung finally gave him a chance?”
He wants to ask more questions, but Jaeyi gives him a look, and he realizes that she knows more than she’s letting on.
“Eat up, Inspector Han,” Jihwa says to him.
He nods back.
—
Juwon waits for a text from Dongsik telling him that the date was just a joke or that it didn't work out. Anything to soothe his racing mind. He waits, and waits, yet Dongsik never reaches out, and Juwon’s heart doesn’t calm down for weeks.
Instead, he receives a text from Jaeyi asking if he could deliver some supplies for her shop from Seoul the next time he visits, mentioning that the charges are too high to get them delivered. The following day, Juwon is at the store picking up the stuff and leaves for Manyang. He tells himself he just wants to help Jaeyi, deep down knowing it’s an excuse to drive by Dongsik’s place. He hasn’t seen him in weeks now, and the thought that someone else has been going out on dates with him all this time gnaws at him.
Relief washes over him when he finds Dongsik sitting inside the butcher shop. The older man is looking down at his phone, a smile splayed over his lips. Juwon’s heart falters at just the sight of him. He enters the shop, hiding his smile with his head down.
“Juwon, you’re here,” it’s Jaeyi who notices him first.
Dongsik looks up, clearly surprised to see Juwon. He hides his surprise quickly with a familiar smile.
“Han Juwon,” he says softly.
In this moment, Juwon could fall in love with Dongsik all over again. His heart relaxes at the sound of Dongsik saying his name. He bows slightly in response.
“Put that down,” Jaeyi tells him, and he complies.
“Sit. I’ll bring you some food,” Jaeyi says as she moves back into the kitchen.
“I’ll help you set up,” Juwon follows behind her.
When he comes back holding the utensils, Dongsik is back on his phone again. That same smile from earlier at his lips.
“Ahjussi, can you stop texting him already? You went on a date with him just yesterday,” Jaeyi speaks from behind him.
Juwon stumbles at the words, losing his balance. Dongsik quickly stands up and catches Juwon by his shoulders. Juwon freezes in place.
“Yah, Jaeyi,” he quickly scans Juwon’s face before he stares at Jaeyi.
“What?” Jaeyi asks, putting the food down at the table.
Dongsik notices he’s still holding onto Juwon and lets go. Juwon ignores the way his cheeks are burning up and busies himself with setting the utensils down. Dongsik turns around when he places a pair of chopsticks at his side.
He looks at Jaeyi when he says, “I’m going out to eat.” He sounds almost guilty.
“I’m sorry,” Juwon utters lowly and picks up the chopsticks.
Jaeyi glances towards Juwon before she speaks. “With him?”
Dongsik doesn’t respond, and that's enough of a response. Juwon looks up at Dongsik, searching his face. Juwon is the reason this all began. Why is he looking for Dongsik to come back?
“Oh, he’s here already,” Jaeyi mutters.
Juwon follows her gaze and finds a car parked outside the shop. Juwon’s hand shapes into a fist, his nails digging into his palms. He watches as Dongsik grabs his phone and walks towards the car. Dongsik opens the door and turns around, meeting Juwon’s eyes. His dark eyes search Juwon’s as he tilts his head. Then, it’s over. Dongsik gets inside the car, and it drives away.
“What have you done, Han Juwon?” Jaeyi stares at him incredulously,
Juwon’s eyes well up with tears as he realises he doesn’t want to let Dongsik go. He has never wanted to let him go. Watching Dongsik walk away from him to some other man hurts more than anything. Juwon wants Dongsik back. He will give him anything he asks for. All he wants is Dongsik to come back to him.
—
Han Juwon knows he looks desperate waiting at the porch of Dongsik’s house, but he knows if he doesn’t do this today, he may never get another chance. His head jerks up when he hears the gate open.
“Han Juwon?” Dongsik sighs.
“Hyung,” Juwon says, breathlessly.
Dongsik doesn’t respond and instead moves past Juwon to open the door. Juwon’s heartbeat quickens as he stands to hold Dongsik’s wrist. Dongsik turns around, and he smells of expensive cologne. Juwon knows it’s not his because Juwon knows the smell of all the colognes Dongsik wears. Juwon’s grip tightens around Dongsik’s wrist.
The tears reach his eyes before the words reach his lips, “Hyung, I can’t do this. I can’t do this anymore.”
“I can’t do this anymore, hyung. I want you back, please.”
Juwon releases Dongsik’s wrist, bringing his hands up to hide his teary face, but Dongsik grabs both of his hands in his own.
“Juwon-ah,” he says gently. “What are you talking about?”
“That night— I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have let you go. I love you, hyung. I know I do,” Juwon tries to get his hands out of Dongsik’s hold, but Dongsik just holds them tighter. Juwon can’t get himself to look at Dongsik. He stares at his hands in Dongsik’s instead. “Hyung, say it. Tell me to stay the night, and I will do it this time. I’ll do anything for you.”
“Han Juwon,” Dongsik’s voice is so soft that Juwon could melt into it. “Look at me.”
When Juwon takes no action to do that, Dongsik frees one of his hands and holds Juwon’s chin up. Dongsik’s eyes meet Juwon’s with the warm gaze that he had so earnestly longed for. The one Juwon had gone without for weeks.
“You don’t have to do anything, Juwon.”
Juwon’s eyes flush with tears again. “No, you don’t understand. I have to make it up to you. I love you. I will do it for you.”
“Juwon, I love you. I would never force you to do anything for me.” Dongsik’s hand gives one last squeeze to his before moving it to hold Juwon’s face. Dongsik’s hands cradle Juwon’s face as he says, “Do you understand?”
The weight of Dongsik’s words takes a few moments to settle in his chest. When realisation seeps into Juwon, he searches Dongsik’s face for a while. He takes in the soft look, the small smile, and the slight crow's feet around his eyes. “Will you still go out with him?”
Dongsik’s face breaks into a big smile, and he laughs. He squeezes Juwon's face gently. “Why would I when you’re right here with me?” He leans in and leaves a quick kiss on Juwon’s cheek.
Juwon flushes at the sudden kiss and stands frozen.
“Was that not okay?” Dongsik asks, worriedly.
Juwon’s heart softens, and he shakes his head. “It was more than okay.”
Dongsik laughs again, and Juwon stares at him. Dongsik seizes another opportunity and kisses his other cheek.
And, before Juwon can react, Dongsik steps inside. He holds the door open, waiting for Juwon. Without making him wait any longer, Juwon enters. He knows there will be a lot more to talk about, but he is certain they will figure it out, just as they always have. Han Juwon will always find his way back to Dongsik.