Work Text:
“Hey, Brainiac… how old are we anyway?”
“Well, duh, Raphael… We’re teenage mutant ninja turtles. It’s right there in the name!”
“That in human years? What about turtle years?”
“Unfortunately, that answer is more involved than the studio budget allows me to discuss in detail. So you’ll just have to suspend disbelief and go along with the plot.”
“Well, I can’t believe some random pet shop sold older turtles!”
“That’s fair. Since 1975 the USA FDA banned the sale of turtles with shells less than four inches long.”
“Makes sense, I doubt anything longer than four inches would make it past the censors.”
“No, I mean that size is a practical measurement for minimizing the risk of Salmonella transmission. Although that typically ages a red-eared slider within three to five years old.”
“Aha! So we SHOULD have had a childhood! Well, a younger childhood and not just straight into awkward teen years.”
“I dunno, Raphael… Splinter would probably be all gray by now if he had to deal with us as toddlers. Besides, that would make him more like our father than our teacher.”
“Well, history will say we are roommates.”
“What else would we be? Brothers?”
“All I know is, getting to BE a kid was way easier than having to play parent. And everyone always thinks Leonardo is the well-behaved boring turtle!”
“That’s true. I still can’t believe he ran straight into traffic with Michelangelo!”
“I can’t believe Irma is a worse babysitter than April is at being an aunt!”
“Oh yeah… Despite the fact we spent most of the time taking a nap, it’s crazy how much chaos we caused in her apartment.”
“Not as crazy as the fact we had to actually bribe Michelangelo with ice cream to get him to eat pizza with the antidote!”
“Considering he got stuck with all three of us, you could say he got his just desserts…”
“Ugh, Donatello—don’t quit your day job!”
“Why would I? I need my beauty sleep at night.”
“And don’t you look adorable for it,” the comedian teased before crossing his arms behind his head thoughtfully. “Wonder why Leonardo got de-aged twice?”
“Probably because he’s the most serious of us as well as a highly skilled ninja master. We wouldn’t have much of a story if the most responsible one kept us out of trouble.”
“Fine. But if we ever get de-aged in any future crossover episodes, I call dibs on being not-it for dad duty!”
“That’s the exact kind of thing you say which will get you chosen for just that! Episode writers love irony almost as much as fanfiction writers.”
“Surely we can’t always be little shellions… What do little kids do all day besides eat pizza and draw in coloring books?”
“They have toys and play pretend a lot. Like playing house.”
“Playing house? We live in the sewers, so that would be a lot of imagination.”
“Well, Generation X is the epitome of ennui considering the current parenting styles.”
“Bet our fearless leader would play dad just so he can sit and read a book,” Raphael grinned.
“Imagine if we had anything to dress up in… Like a tie for little Leonardo—”
“And an apron for Michelangelo since he likes to cook the most! He can play mom with one of those Easy Bake Ovens!”
“Give us a break after putting up with them,” Donatello chuckled.
“So we get the easy job of being kids playing ourselves as kids… Bet we’d have a collection of Hot Wheels cars!”
“Absolutely! I could make a racetrack for them with ramps and all sorts of obstacles!”
The two smiled at the fond thought of imagining all four of them as young children playing without a care in the world. After a minute, an inquisitive expression crossed the inventors face…
“You know, Michelangelo will be cooking dinner soon…”
“And Leonardo usually reads on the couch nearby in case he needs any help…”
After a brief moment, their eyes lit up and they pointed at each other excitedly.
“I’ll go build a racetrack!”
“I’ll go find some race cars!”
~*~*~*~*~
