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Even when the prize isn’t something that would be impossible for you to obtain otherwise, there’s still something exciting about winning a raffle… That’s what Yoshiki imagines, anyway. It must be nice to have your name called when you weren’t expecting it, to be picked exclusively out of a pile of countless others… Maybe that’s why so many people participate, if it isn’t to receive the prize itself. Again, he’s not the person to ask; he never wins those things, even if he enters, which he usually doesn’t. Maybe it’d be exciting if he lived somewhere different, but the feeling of eyes on him has always been weighty and muddying, for how little he’s able to avoid it living in such a small town.
At any rate, Hikaru doesn’t have the same compunction, and he’s ecstatic when he shows up at Yoshiki’s door bright and early on a Sunday, two rectangular pieces of cardstock clutched in his hand. It’s so early and Yoshiki is so groggy that he can’t even make out what Hikaru is saying at first, just hears the indication of words and sees his lips moving, but eventually the two papers are thrust in his face and Yoshiki blinks his eyes open well enough to see them.
“Aquarium…?” Yoshiki reads groggily.
“Yeah,” Hikaru answers with a triumphant grin. He’s leaned into Yoshiki’s space—well, not really. He’s standing next to his bed with an arm behind his back, tipped over but not so close that they could be sharing breath. He’s careful about maintaining the distance between them, and Yoshiki is careful about not thinking about how much more he wants whenever they’re together, because he shouldn’t let nasty thoughts like that rot the air between him and Hikaru.
There’s something more important here anyway. “What kinda lottery was that, ‘nyways?” He pushes off his sheets and yawns, rubbing at his eye with his knuckle. Hikaru rolls his eyes.
“Does it matter?” Sort of, but Hikaru’s already dropping to sit on the corner of the bed. “Anyways, it’s a little ways out, but we can get a ride—you’ll like that, won’tcha? Headin’ to a bigger city for the day.”
It’s not actually what Yoshiki is after, but he doesn’t see a point in stressing that to Hikaru, who doubtlessly already knows with how many times they’ve talked about it. Besides, it’s not like he’ll say no to an aquarium trip. Yoshiki, being preferential to animals that look in any way strange and unsettling (or unconventionally pretty) is naturally a huge fan of fish.
“When?”
“Dunno. Next week maybe.” Hikaru shrugs. “Sometime we can both go… but hey!” He waves the tickets around again, and Yoshiki sighs, unable to keep from smiling. The source of his excitement here is evidently more that he’d won the raffle at all, less about the outing in their future… but Yoshiki is sleepy and still a bit warm on his futon and he doesn’t like anything more than getting to listen to Hikaru’s voice lilt when he has something to talk about, so he doesn’t mind, really. He folds his legs and drapes his arms over them as Hikaru segues into something else, always with a dozen conversation topics ready at hand, a particularly convenient conversational habit to have for someone like Yoshiki who often finds himself without much to add.
They plan to go to the aquarium in two weeks, on another Sunday. The weather forecast promises a dry day, if a cloudy one, which Hikaru calls ideal for an indoor activity like an aquarium visit; he wouldn’t want to pass by a window while they’re looking at the fish and find himself thinking about how much he’d rather be playing soccer. Or something like that. Yoshiki’s not sure he understands, being outside for too long when it’s hot can be unpleasant, let alone doing something super active like a sport, but he won’t complain about the cloud cover anyway. Sunday works.
Hikaru is excited for their outing right up until he isn’t. That is, he shows Yoshiki exhibits on his phone and they point out fish that they think look like each other. He nudges Yoshiki in class on the Tuesday before to ask if he knows what he’s going to grab Kaoru in the gift shop, and of course Yoshiki doesn’t without seeing what they have on offer, but it makes him happy to see Hikaru so excited.
Then, on Friday and Saturday, he doesn’t bring up the trip at all. When Sunday morning does arrive, there’s a knock on Yoshiki’s door right on time, but when he shuffles over (still in the process of getting ready, a toothbrush in his mouth) to answer it, he finds it isn’t Hikaru at all who’s standing on the other side.
“...Uh,” Yoshiki blinks and takes the toothbrush out of his mouth.
“...Hi.” Asako lifts her hand, smiling awkwardly. She has the aquarium passes between two fingers. “Sorry, am I uh… too early?”
Yoshiki shifts onto his heels, but shakes his head, because she isn’t. That really isn’t the first issue he would’ve highlighted at all—and Asako at least seems cognisant of that fact when he moves to let her inside. She folds her hands at her skirt while Yoshiki shuts the door, glancing sideways at her.
“...Hikaru talked to me yesterday,” Asako admits after Yoshiki’s re-locked the door. “Somethin’ came up, so he can’t make it… He didn’t wanna cancel though, so he asked me if I could go with ya instead.”
It’s Hikaru logic at its finest, in that it doesn’t really make any sense whatsoever. The passes aren’t dated, which is why they’d been able to choose a day that worked for the both of them in the first place; if Hikaru had known that something came up he could’ve just told Yoshiki and they would have rescheduled. Unless he didn’t actually want to go to the aquarium at all, but Yoshiki has a hard time believing that when he’d talked so excitedly about it. Granted, Hikaru is good at lying, and he can be hard to read at the best of times… but Yoshiki knows when he’s happy about something. His real smile is easy to recognise, because it ain’t quite as perfect, but it’s equally captivating and it makes Yoshiki sweat buckets… He’d wanted to go on this trip.
Sending Asako had been a mean way to do it, too, because it isn’t as if Yoshiki can now say something like, well, I don’t want to go if you’re there. You don’t really say that to a girl, and he likes Asako. It’s not about her at all. The disappointment still tastes awfully bitter in the back of his mouth, so Yoshiki crams his toothbrush back in and nods to her.
“Gimme ten minutes,” he says, barely audibly even to his own ears, then goes to return to the bathroom. They agreed that his mom would drive them as she has the day free to wait around, and now Yoshiki is sort of wondering if Hikaru had planned that part too—so the entire outing would go seamlessly even without him present—but it makes Yoshiki nauseous to think of Hikaru plotting his absence so far in advance. So he doesn’t. He’s good enough at not thinking, when it comes down to it.
Asako’s become less awkward by the time Yoshiki is ready to go. She fusses over him, customarily, tugging at his collar and his sleeves so the wrinkles are adjusted. His mom takes the opportunity to comment on his hair length while they make their way out to the car, where Asako takes the front seat before letting out a faint giggle. She’s nice enough to say that she likes how Yoshiki’s hair looks, even though it must be a lie. Nobody can see his face this way, he knows that. It’s sort of the point after all… but girls will do that sometimes. They’ll tell you something looks nice even when it really doesn’t to spare your feelings. Maybe it would be mean coming from someone else, a neighbour or a teacher at their school, but Yoshiki doesn’t mind as much from Asako, really.
They drive for forty minutes to the aquarium, where Yoshiki’s mom drops them off at the front. Asako hands over the passes, but neither of them speak until they’ve made their way past the reception desk. A large tank of colourful fish greets them immediately upon entry, but before Yoshiki can approach the glass, he’s stopped by a tug at his sleeve.
“Sorry, Yoshiki,” Asako says. Yoshiki blinks at her, then checks his own face with his hands. He’s sure he hadn’t been pouting, but sometimes his face does things without permission… Then again, Asako is also intuitive, so even if he hadn’t shown anything, she might’ve noticed either way.
Still, Yoshiki asks, “What for?”
“I know you made plans with Hikaru…” Asako trails off and rubs her arm. “I told him yesterday he should tell ya he couldn’t make it and go another time, but he told me you really wouldn’t mind.”
“I don’t,” Yoshiki says, even though it’s sort of a lie. His stomach hurts delivering it, it’s not like he likes being dishonest, but Asako is a girl, and more importantly she’s his friend, so he should be nice to her no matter what. It occurs to him to wonder (on that note) whether Hikaru might’ve been being sneaky by setting this up, trying to put Yoshiki on a date with a girl… but if nothing else, he’s sure Hikaru wouldn’t put Asako into that kind of situation. It’s more likely that what he said to Asako yesterday was completely accurate: something came up, he didn’t want to cancel, he figured Yoshiki wouldn’t be bothered by it.
It just boggles the mind, is all, to think that Hikaru would even assume that.
“Anyways, we uh,” Yoshiki clears his throat and rubs at his ear, looks away, “y’know. Don’t do a lot outside of school anyways, right? So it’s good.”
Asako smiles at him, although her eyes are crinkled knowingly, like she can tell Yoshiki is sort of deflecting, even if she’s not going to call him out on it. “You’re awful nice sometimes. It’s crazy ‘cause you don’t look it at all.”
“I don’t look it? What’s that mean?”
Asako does not elaborate, lacing her fingers behind her back and making her way to the fish tank. Yoshiki sighs, but he follows her.
The fish themselves are enough to take his mind off his thoughts. An interactive digital sign explains that these fish have such vibrant, eye catching colours because they come from warm, tropical waters… Yoshiki finds schematics for coral and different kinds of seaweed, which are also present in the tank, even though neither had caught his eye as quickly as the moving creatures. Asako reads over his shoulder, so he tabs slowly through the different sections even though he’s done quick enough.
The next few exhibits are similar. Asako gasps and squeals when they come to a tank housing dozens of teeny jellyfish, small enough that they could probably fit in the palm of Yoshiki’s hand. And shock him, probably… he verbalises the thought to Asako, who giggles and cups her cheek in her hand, thinking it over.
“Ya think they can shock you when they’re this little? Think these are babies…” She wanders to the sign overlooking this exhibit, which also has sections for the other tanks in this area. The seahorse tank is particularly captivating. Yoshiki kind of likes the way that they look when they hook onto something with their tails, rooted in place but still swaying with the current… and their noses are cute, that’s undeniable.
After Asako finishes photographing the baby jellies at different angles, they find their way into the next room, which has a touch tank. There are careful instructions on how to interact with the fish, which Asako reads over three times to be thorough before she pushes up her sleeves and washes her hands. Yoshiki is… leery of the whole practice, but his nerves dissolve once he catches sight of one of the sea urchins. With his hands clean, he crouches over one of the tanks with his knees broadened for stability and runs the recommended single-digit over the creature’s spikes. They accordingly move and grasp onto Yoshiki’s finger, gently.
“Think it’s trying to eat you,” Asako says from over his shoulder.
“So cool…” Yoshiki trails off. “You think they have any plushes of these I could get Kaoru in the gift store?” His eyes drift to the edge of the tank where tube worms, with their feather-soft and strikingly coloured appendages fluttering in the water, are looking awfully appealing. When Yoshiki goes to stroke one, it retreats quickly into its tube. “Or maybe these would be better…”
Asako eyes him. “You don’t wanna do a seahorse? Or a clown fish…?”
Yoshiki does not, and in fact, it’s a ridiculous enough question that he doesn’t even acknowledge it. They wash their hands (with warm water, Yoshiki curling his fingers to return feeling to them) before moving on to the next section, where they have a number of microscopes set up to view slides of microorganisms. Also in this section are smaller tanks with several different types of invertebrates. Yoshiki is most drawn to the slugs, although Asako looks largely unimpressed.
“Why come to an aquarium to look at slugs?” she complains, nudging at Yoshiki’s arm. “C’mon, let’s go see the birds…”
“You don’t see enough birds?” Yoshiki frowns at her, but he allows Asako to drag him away with a sigh. Despite his mouthing off, the marine birds exhibit is sprawling and fun, a little more exciting because it’s open-air. The birds all stay on their side of the wire fences, but they could hypothetically fly over, and that fact is enough to make it a little invigorating.
Puffins are uniquely ridiculous creatures. They’re sort of… hypnotic, also, in that Yoshiki can’t help stare at the ones that are loafed up on the rocks, grooming their feathers ceaselessly. Asako takes no fewer than twenty photos of birds in identical poses, squealing all the time. Yoshiki can’t help pointing out that she’s probably never going to look at these pictures ever again, and eventually they’ll be cleared from her phone because they’re taking up storage space.
Asako just laughs. “You would’ve taken tons of pictures of that slug if I didn’t keep us moving.”
Well. True. But the slug is different. That thing was effervescent.
This aquarium doesn’t have a diverse marine mammal exhibit, which Yoshiki finds himself a little happy about, more than anything. Seals are fun with their chubby necks and ear flaps, but the truth is, he always feels a little guilty to see an animal that smart in a glass cage. Maybe he thinks too much into it… but his mind always wanders in those situations, picturing what it must to be like to live in a world where everyone stares at you, talks about you, and photographs you without caring an inch what you might be feeling or thinking. It’s the same way that Yoshiki feels at the market whenever they ask him about Kaoru’s attendance or his parents’ marriage; like a spectacle, just something to talk about.
Maybe Yoshiki is a bad person, though. He never considered that the shrimp and slugs might also be feeling that way. It’s hard to ruminate regardless because the sea lions that are housed in this aquarium are so entertaining. Their vocalisations are fun enough that he and Asako keep imitating them long after they’ve left the section, trading a couple idly back and forth as Asako unfolds their map and runs over it with her thumb.
“Lessee… just the cafeteria and the gift shop left, so we’ve pretty much seen all the fish.”
“You think they serve fish?” Yoshiki asks, unable to help himself.
Asako eyes him. “...Not from the tanks,” she stresses, but uncertainty flits over her face right after she says it, followed by a petulant frown that Yoshiki made her think of it. They do not, in the end, go to the cafeteria for lunch, instead option to go right to the gift shop for souvenirs.
It smells different from the rest of the aquarium, which sort of has a latent sea salt smell, like you get on the beach. The gift shop smells more artificial, like the gift section at a department store. Which isn’t surprising. All the plushies for sale are upwards of four thousand yen, which is absurd pricing and Yoshiki tells Asako so, but he nonetheless picks up a plush of a massive shrimp to bring home for Kaoru.
Asako tilts her head thoughtfully as she surveys a display of mugs. “...Should we get something for Hikaru?”
Yoshiki meanly thinks, If he wanted a souvenir, he should’ve come, then dismisses the thought. Whatever the reason, Hikaru was trying to be considerate… Never mind that Yoshiki might have wanted to go somewhere with him more than he wanted to go to an aquarium… and he’s had fun with Asako, nonetheless. There’s no way not to have fun at an aquarium, when you have animals to look at and signs to read. It’s just not possible.
Tugging at his sleeves, Yoshiki shrugs. “A hat maybe?”
They find a silly one with an embroidered lobster on the front, which is much more exciting and fun than the plain baseball caps with the aquarium’s name over the bill, so they pick it. Yoshiki pays and Asako gives him money for half, and she buys herself a jellyfish pendant and has Yoshiki secure it around her neck before they leave.
“It’ll turn your skin green,” Yoshiki points out.
“I won’t wear it all the time,” Asako responds, but she’s smiling. “...Yoshiki.”
Yoshiki stops when she says his name, because that sounds like an ‘I want to say something serious’ Yoshiki and and not a ‘something random just crossed my mind’ Yoshiki. He has a guess, too, what Asako is going to say, and for a second he thinks he should just hear her say it—it’s rude to tell girls you already know what they’re thinking—but then his mouth is opening and he’s speaking before he can think better of it.
“I had fun too,” Yoshiki says, “so ya don’t have to say thanks… or sorry.” He glances away. “If anything, you could thank Hikaru, since he gave you the ticket.”
“Right…” Asako looks away, frowning. “Can you tell me somethin’ though?”
Yoshiki makes a faint hum to encourage her.
“Did he hurt your feelings?” Asako rubs at her forearm, a crease between her brows. “I don’t wanna thank him if he made you upset.”
Oh.
That isn’t something Yoshiki entirely knows how to answer. Yes, because he’d wanted Hikaru to be here? No, because Hikaru did something considerate? Feelings like this are so complicated even when you’re not a disgusting and greedy person like Yoshiki is. The truth is that of course he is upset, he wants to do things like this with Hikaru all the time… and all those thoughts he had earlier that were like, ‘maybe Hikaru set this up so he’d go out with a girl,’ ‘no Hikaru would never do that especially not to Asako,’ they only came up in the first place because a part of Yoshiki…
His hands squeeze into fists. The answer has to be ‘no’, because he has to be filthy in order to say yes. Isn’t that true? Would Asako be able to tell if he said it, even if it’s the right thing, because it is a lie? Yoshiki chews on the inside of his cheek.
“I dunno,” Yoshiki admits, “but I still liked doin’ it with you… and you should say thanks anyhow. I will.”
Neither are lies. He likes Asako. Yoshiki’s not quite got so little self respect that he would spend time with someone he doesn’t like at school. Asako and Yuuki and Maki are all some of his favourite people, even if none of them are Hikaru because nobody could be Hikaru, and he’d like going to the aquarium with any of them. If Hikaru had, in the first place, said something like, ‘I won these tickets but I don’t want to go, you should go with Asako’, he would’ve been happy about it. He would’ve been excited, too.
Asako relaxes. She must’ve deemed Yoshiki to be speaking honestly. “‘Kay. I will then.” She nudges her shoulder into his and adds, “But thanks to you anyways, ‘cause I did have fun.”
A smile makes its way back across Yoshiki’s face. He likes seeing her happy enough that all the other complicated emotions just fizzle at that; when they get back to his mom and she offers to bring them somewhere to grab a bite, Yoshiki agrees readily, because it means the time with Asako won’t end quite as soon. At the end of the day, after Kaoru’s plush has been delivered and Yoshiki’s washed his hair, he feels happy enough himself, if not wholly satisfied… That’s plenty for him to get to sleep and not have nightmares.
Someone at the front door pulls his attention before he can start to doze, though. Yoshiki is thinking he’s had a long day and deserves to rest, but his mom calls for him to open it, so he finds himself slumping back into the front of the house. He’s muffling a yawn with his hand as he reaches food the doorknob, but once he’s gotten the door propped on his knee, the yawn itself dries up and disappears in the back of his throat.
Hikaru looks—more than anything—a little bit flustered. Tired, maybe? His hair’s messy in a way he wouldn’t let it get at school, not the purposeful boyish tousle but a genuine disarray like he’s been running his hair through it. And his collar’s popped. Yoshiki stares at that a moment before he finds himself looking back up into Hikaru’s face, and Hikaru just smiles at him, as if he didn’t have those details to be noticed at all.
“Hey, sorry,” Hikaru says, rubbing at his ear. “Know it’s kinda late…”
“‘S fine,” Yoshiki replies automatically. “...You wanna come in?”
“Naw, it’ll be quick.” Hikaru leans into the door frame. “I, uh…”
Yoshiki waits, but Hikaru doesn’t continue. His lower lip gets snagged between his teeth, and his hands fall to his front. The most anxious of a gesture he’ll do, really. Yoshiki thinks to ask, ‘are you alright’, but the offer to let him in had covered that, he should think. Hikaru said no quick enough that Yoshiki’s pretty sure he knows what the answer will be anyway, if he does muster the courage to broach it.
He clears his throat. “Then…”
“Just wanted to ask if you had a good time,” Hikaru says. “Today, I mean. Figured you would, with Asako, but just, uh, wanted to…”
This is really odd. Yoshiki leans slightly closer (as close as he can get without being weird) to scrutinise his expression. Does Hikaru feel guilty? No. Hikaru is the type who gets quiet when he’s guilty. This isn’t that, this is something else, but Yoshiki doesn’t know how to parse it and he’s realising he might be a little too hurt to even try… He bites the inside of his cheek, then decides to just say it.
“Why didn’t you just reschedule?” Yoshiki asks.
“Huh?” Hikaru blinks at him.
“Didn’t have to be today.” Yoshiki looks down at the front step. “Could’ve been… y’know… next Sunday. Or the one after.”
There’s a conspicuous pause in front of him, and then Hikaru says “You wanted me there?” in a quiet voice and one breath, like he almost doesn’t mean to. When Yoshiki looks into the earnest shock in Hikaru’s face, he thinks he ought to slam the door shut and ignore him for asking such a mean question, but he doesn’t. Mainly because he can’t when it’s Hikaru… and Hikaru looks apologetic a second later, rubbing at his cheek. “...Ah. Sorry then.”
Despite his question, Yoshiki hadn’t expected to get an apology. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Hikaru tugs at the front of his shirt. “Didn’t really wanna be busy today, actually. An’ I wanted to go… but the…” His expression clouds over, and he shakes his head. “Nevermind. Had to be today. And I thought, I left it so late, and you were lookin’ forward to the trip… It felt mean just to cancel on ya. So…”
It’s exactly the reasoning that Yoshiki knew he had, and that Asako explained in the first place. Still, hearing it somehow makes the knot in his stomach loosen. Whatever it was that Hikaru did today—the fact that he didn’t want to is sort of a consolation, a cool balm over his hurt feelings even though that’s entirely unfair and immature. And knowing that he knows now, Yoshiki doesn’t think he’ll do it again. Hikaru’s not that type.
“It’s fine,” Yoshiki says, and means it. “We’ll get more passes and go another time. You sure you don’t wanna come in?” There’s plenty they can still do together tonight, games to play, but Hikaru shakes his head again. To his credit, he looks genuinely remorseful, and he doesn’t meet Yoshiki’s eyes.
“...Gotta finish up some stuff back home. Just wanted to run over and—anyways. See you tomorrow.”
It won’t be that long until Yoshiki does see him again, he supposes, so he decides not to be disappointed by it. Or, well, tries. It’s not as easy as choosing to or not to, but at the very least, he knows he’ll be sleeping for most of the time they’re apart. Instinctive disgust curls in his stomach at the thought alone, because it’s so needy—so too much when Hikaru’s always ever been just shy of just enough, but there’s no taking it back now. And at least it won’t show on his face.
“‘Kay,” Yoshiki says. “Tomorrow.”
He waits for Hikaru to leave before he shuts the door. It occurs to him at that moment that he has the hat sitting on his desk, the one he and Asako grabbed, but—well, he’ll pass it over tomorrow. Might’ve been nice to give it to Hikaru just now, but it’s not like he was expecting the visit, so… it’s not a big deal.
The warm glow of the good day has faded somewhat by the time Yoshiki returns to bed. He’s thinking of Hikaru now, again, which isn’t so abnormal for him really, and not impossible to fall asleep to, but… at the very least, they aren’t stressful thoughts. It’s weird to see Hikaru doing something ‘rash’ in that way like coming over here late, and it’d been reassuring in its own right. It doesn’t strike Yoshiki as odd that he’d had to cancel, or whether he should wonder what it was that Hikaru had to cancel for, because… well, it’s Hikaru. He has his reasons.
Sleep overtakes him while his mind is still running, and by the time he wakes up again, Hikaru’s already back in front of him… standing right by his bed the way he had with the aquarium passes in the first place. Yoshiki’s mom must’ve let him in. It’s like no time passed at all between seeing him at the door and seeing him now, and Hikaru looks perfectly normal, no longer exhausted or stressed in the slightest, so any lingering concerns that Yoshiki had been harbouring fade away into background noise.
When Hikaru grins at him, Yoshiki straightens and smiles back… then stretches past him to grab his cap off the desk.