Work Text:
Donna Hayward kisses James Hurley, and they both pretend they're not thinking about Laura Palmer.
"I'm not her," Donna says, suddenly, pulling away.
"Yeah," James says. "I know."
He pulls her back in, and she lets him. She wants to ask, did you kiss Laura like this, she wonders if this is what it felt like for Laura, and she tries to imagine that she is Laura and she is the sort of person who regularly kisses people like (Bobby Briggs) (Leo Johnson) James Hurley.
She cannot imagine it for long. She hears Laura's voice in her head.
I'm not her, Laura says, almost mockingly, but then Donna imagines her laughing a real laugh, as if to say, I didn't know you had it in you.
She closes her eyes and before she can stop herself she imagines that James is Laura instead, and a small noise escapes the back of her throat as he slides his tongue in her mouth.
Past the sunglasses, and the leather jacket, and the motorcycle, James is safe, and boring, and tastes like nothing.
Laura Palmer would taste like cigarettes, she thinks, and lets her teeth find James's bottom lip.
"Ow," he mumbles.
"Sorry," she whispers. She keeps kissing him.
He's not me, Laura's voice says.
Yeah. I know. You're dead, you left us, you left me, this is all that's left of you, and I'm kissing your ex-boyfriend because-
Oh, he wasn't my boyfriend, Laura says, breezily. I really don't mind. I'm just wondering why-
"Shut up," Donna says, out loud.
"I didn't say anything," James says, confused.
---
How did I get in my house? How did I get in my bed?
Life is full of mysteries, Donna.
There's a night Donna doesn't remember, just a haze of alcohol and cigarette smoke and boys and Laura and-
Laura had cried the next morning, told Donna don't be like me.
Donna had tried to ask what exactly happened, and Laura was evasive, and kept saying "it's good that you don't remember," and, finally, "nothing really happened, I promise, I didn't let anything happen to you, you know, I would never let anything happen to you."
Laura wouldn't look her in the eye, and Donna wonders if she got drunk enough to kiss her.
Donna wonders if it's better if she did, if she got to do that before Laura died, or if it's better if she didn't, because she doesn't remember, and it's too late, because Laura Palmer is dead, and all of her memories of Laura, all of them, the normal, sober ones, too, are going to fade into alcohol and cigarette smoke in another few days weeks months years.
The world will keep turning, and Laura Palmer will still be dead, and Donna cannot really imagine past the woods of Twin Peaks. When she imagines Seattle, she can only imagine New York City as she's seen it on television, New York City with the Space Needle looming.
Donna heard the FBI agent say he was from Philadelphia, and did not know - could not imagine - how far away that was. (She did end up asking him, and he cheerfully replied, "Twenty-six hundred miles!" as if that number could possibly mean anything to her.)
Sheriff Truman, at least, will remember Laura Palmer, Donna thinks, but the man from twenty-six hundred miles away will solve the murder and return home and move on and forget. He doesn't seem like the cops on television who've seen too many murders and don't care anymore - he's too clean-shaven, and she's never seen him drink anything but coffee - but still, she wonders how many murders - how many dead bodies - how many people who were just like Laura - he's already investigated and solved and forgotten by now.
She had lied to his face when they'd met, lied about the video, to protect... James, she supposed.
Laura had always told her she was a terrible liar.
Maybe she had lied to protect Laura, in some way. She wanted the killer caught, of course, but having the federal agent prying into their lives - into Laura's life - into Laura's life which was over now because she was fucking dead - felt like killing her all over again.
And then he'd fly back to Philadelphia and forget.
Donna wants nothing more than to remember, to hold onto every last scrap of memory of Laura, because someone should, and shouldn't that be Donna's job, as the best friend?
Still, when James talks about getting on his motorcycle and just going, getting as far away from Twin Peaks as possible, she kind of understands that, too.
Holding on to only-half-remembered memories in this place could be the death of her, too. People like me don't get to live long, Laura had told her once, but you're not like me, and you should get the fuck out of this town as soon as high school's over.
She wonders if twenty-six hundred miles would be enough.
---
Donna puts on Laura's sunglasses and smokes cigarettes until her mouth feels filthy, and runs her tongue along her teeth. She watches James, notices the way he looks at Maddy Ferguson. She's not her, Donna thinks, and wonders if somewhere, somehow, Laura is telling James that, too.
It's been too long since the funeral for Maddy to still be here. Donna wishes she'd go away. Missoula, Montana is two hundred and seventy miles away. More or less. Not far enough. Maddy Ferguson could be Laura Palmer's twin, if not for the dark hair. Maybe that's far, or close, enough. Donna wishes she'd stay in Twin Peaks forever.
---
Donna takes off Laura's sunglasses, leans in to kiss Maddy. She doesn't let Laura's voice in her head say, She's not me, but Maddy hesitates, and says, "I... I'm not her."
"Yeah," Donna says. "I know."
Looking like Laura isn't enough, so Donna closes her eyes, pretends that Maddy is blonde and pretends that Maddy tastes like cigarettes and alcohol and cocaine and danger and death, but Maddy kisses softly, and properly, and nothing at all like how Donna imagined (or maybe actually did one time) kissing Laura would be like. Maddy is as boring as James, in her own way. Donna thinks that she remembers the Palmers saying Maddy works in insurance.
Donna breaks away. "I'm so sorry."
"No, I'm sorry, I thought-"
"No, it's okay, I- I'm sorry-"
They both break into awkward laughter that, mercifully, seems to break the tension, and they both start laughing, for real.
"So," Maddy says, finally, "were you and Laura, like..."
Donna shakes her head, but says, "I don't know."
Maddy has nothing to say to that, so instead she just says, "I'm going back to Missoula soon."
Donna has nothing to say to that, either, so she just says, "Oh."
She thinks, oh my God, I have to tell Laura, I just kissed her cousin, how weird is that, and then remembers that Laura is dead and that's the whole reason any of this even happened.
She wonders how long it will take Maddy Ferguson to forget Laura, to forget Twin Peaks, to forget her. How boring an insurance job in Missoula, Montana must be. She wonders if it's nice, to be boring like that forever.
---
end.