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Sam really didn’t mean to see it. Despite what some might claim, (Natasha, which is really rich coming from a spy) Sam is not a deliberately nosy person. He’s just perceptive and has a talent for reading others. It’s what makes him a good soldier and also what made him a good counselor. Not to mention that Sam is a patient person, which came in handy when working with people who had traumas as deep and painful as Steve or Natasha. People who lived with pain as long as this group were reluctant to give those stories up, but Sam could wait until they cracked, and then help them cope.
Tony isn’t a person who lets people see him crack. It’s even rare for Tony to show any vulnerabilities around a group he cares about as obviously as he cares about the Avengers. The fact that he’s so good at dissembling and acting, despite the years and even decades of traumas Sam knows he’s faced, bothers him. Sam muses to himself sometimes that it must be like when a mind-reader meets one of the first people his powers don’t work on. It puts you on edge, makes you nervous. Clint? Hard to read but trustworthy enough that it’s not alarming. Bruce? Not hard to read at all. Steve? Not easy to read and generally quieter about his grief, but once you get past his initial defenses, he'll be open with you. Wanda? Easy. She’s still so young it would be weird if she was more deceptive. Vision? He wasn’t trained to deal with whatever entity Vision is. Rhodey? Average difficulty, good soul. Thor? Well, Sam wasn’t sure if he’s met enough Asgardians to be able to say how easy to read the guy was. Natasha? When he first met the warrior, before he got to know Tony, Sam would’ve said she was the hardest to read. But she’s so clearly trying to change and to learn to open up that Sam will let the fact she still keeps some stuff secret go. Everyone needs secrets, and he sees her revealing as much as she does to them as the sign of trust that it is.
But Tony? He’s confusing as all get-out for Sam.
He’ll deflect, dissemble, baffle, or amuse with ease. He’s charismatic and witty and is sometimes the only person on the team who can deal with the press, even on his worst days and despite his obvious distaste for the media. (Sam doesn’t really think him being able to see that aspect to the guy proves he can read him, everyone knows Tony and the media have a rocky relationship, and Tony’s announced it to the group at large in many colorful and admittedly hilarious ways.) And just when Sam has resigned himself to only seeing the mask Tony uses as skillfully as his suit of armor, Tony will slip and show the Avengers some bit of vulnerability. He’ll stumble into the communal kitchen in the morning, despite the fact he has a private one, after a three day long session in his workshop, and clutch the coffee mug someone hands him like it’s the only thing that can keep him going. He’ll absently rub at the spot his reactor used to be in the dark during movie night. He’ll look at Pepper like she’s his lodestar, the only thing that he knows will lead him home. He’ll go to talk to Jarvis then falter when he remembers the A.I. is gone. Moments like those are when Sam will find himself lost again on what to think of Tony Stark.
So when he happened upon Tony in the living room, he wasn’t planning on snooping. He was just going to propose a new idea for Redwing (Sam was sick of Tasha gleefully shocking Redwing out of the sky during practice fights, and wanted to see if he could get some electricity of his own. Maybe Tony could install EMP pulses, or give Redwing shocks like Black Widow uses!) when he saw Tony bent over one of those holographic tablets he was so fond of. Sam guessed he wasn’t working in the workshop because he had come up for food or caffeine and gotten distracted. The billionaire was muttering under his breath so he didn’t hear the fellow flier’s approach, and Sam was able to catch what he was saying when he got in range to see what the genius was working on. He clearly hadn’t slept for a while, and his ramblings were the clear product of exhaustion, insomnia and a total lack of awareness for his surroundings.
Sam’s eyes widened at the videos playing on the holograph. He was watching footage from the fight with Ultron.
“Friday, focus in on Tasha there, yeah, I was right, she still needs greater mobility in that terrain, make a note in her file and remind me later to talk to her about new gear she might want. Skip to sector 4 of the fight and find Clint when- yeah, thanks Friday, when he uses his last explosive arrow. Goddamn, I know he likes the bow but I wish he could use a weapon that didn’t have such limited ammunition. You have the fabrication units running in the basement with that new bow design, right? The one that he can switch into a melee weapon? I still don’t know what we can call it.”
“Yes sir, it’s being made despite Clint’s numerous protests that he is quote, “retired”.”
“Friday, the fact he keeps responding to my emails and sending me ideas of his own is proof he can never turn down new bow modifications, retired or not. Let’s see… Steve’s armor did okay in the fight in Sokovia, but it can be better. Bring up the specs for the new compound I was working on last night.”
“It was actually three nights ago, sir.”
“Whatever, Friday. Damn, how’d you get to be sassier than Jarvis?”
“Certainly not because we learned the trait from our shared creator. Also, Mr. Stark, Ms. Potts just sent a reminder that the board wants the new specs on the next generation Starkphone and laptops on Thursday.”
Tony let out a muttered curse, and rubbed his eyes, weary. “And it’s Tuesday today. Yeah, tell her I’ll get to it tonight. I need to work on the new compound right now.” His voice gained strength as he focused back in on the data lighting up around him.
Sam shook his head in awe. He knew for a fact that Steve had loved the new armor, despite his disappointment at having to use it so soon, and Sam had seen that thing take massive damage in training sessions. Yet Steve would always walk away with nary a scratch. Tony must’ve spent, hours, no, days, even weeks poring over the disaster in Sokovia, from the familiar way he flipped from moment to moment in the fight. Sam was about to leave, guilty about adding more to Tony’s workload, (and quietly plotting a way to make sure Tony got to sleep tonight. Sam suddenly felt a responsibility to watch out for the older man, and Natasha could probably let Pepper know just how wiped Tony really was.) when he froze in place. Tony had pulled up the footage of Pietro, saving Clint and the kid. Sam tore his gaze from the hologram to watch Tony where he slumped on the couch. His sigh seemed to echo in the quiet room.
“Damn. Just… Damn. Friday, that new compound, fabricate some so I can start stress testing it to withstand bullets of that caliber and velocity.”
Tony rubbed at his eyes again, and when he next spoke he sounded old beyond his years. “I’m never going to stop getting people killed, huh.” It wasn’t a question, and Friday seemed to know it. She was quiet. Sam wasn’t even sure Tony meant to say it out loud.
He shook his head. “I could use another scientist around to help.” He then snorted. “Or some Vibranium, but that’s not going to happen if the Wakandans keep acting like fucking Tolkein dwarves-“
He cut himself off. Sam held his breath, frozen and terrified of breaking the fragile quiet in the room. He knew that Tony would be mortified if he saw Sam there.
“Play the footage back again, Friday. Bring those old calculations I started on a possible synthetic Vibranium compound and work them.”
“Yes sir.” The AI was quiet and Sam began his retreat from the room, hastened by the sight of Tony’s spine curved in defeat. It wasn’t something Tony wanted others to see, and Sam was beginning to think he knew why. He just didn’t understand why Tony was still so afraid to show people how deeply he felt things.
As he slunk out of the room, he faintly heard “Just not enough of us…” and knew what he had to do.