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The hallway of the recording studio is dim, lined with gray carpet and soundproof foam that seems to stretch endlessly.
Kanghoon makes his way down the hallway, taking shallow breaths.
He's become skilled at walking in a way that conceals his pain. With his chin held high and shoulders back, he maintains an even stride. But inside, his body is rebelling against him.
It all started with a knee injury from a concert in Macau, then the three back-to-back nights in Kaohsiung turned the spark into a raging fire. His herniated disc has flared up with a vengeance. Each step sends a pulse of pain racing up his spine, spreading through his legs like shards of glass coursing through his veins. Even after the treatment he had last week, the discomfort has come back, more intense and cruel than ever.
As he reaches for the door handle, his hand shakes slightly, not from the chill, but from the exhausting effort it takes just to stay upright.
He’s lost weight, too. The strict diet for the upcoming 10th-anniversary album cover shoot and music video filming has left him feeling empty. He’s surviving solely on americanos, painkillers, and sheer determination. He's even deliberately putting off a visit to the hospital because there’s no room in the schedule. He knows he’s close to breaking, but he doesn’t know how to stop.
"Just one more week," he tells himself, clenching his teeth as a spasm tightens his lower back. "Finish the mixing. Get the photos done. Then I can finally rest."
Pushing the door open, he steps into the biting night air.
There, a familiar black sedan is waiting at the curb, idling quietly. It’s his lover, Kim Heechul.
Since they got back to Seoul, there’s been a tension between them, a cold war of sorts. No shouting or dramatic confrontations, just a heavy, stifling silence, ignoring each other existence. This is the first true clash they’ve had as a couple. With their contrasting personalities, he figured it was only a matter of time before this happened.
Kanghoon knows Heechul is upset, but he is just equally stubborn.
Taking a deep breath, Kanghoon opens the passenger door. He steadies himself on the frame, inhaling sharply as he lowers himself into the seat, trying unsuccessfully to mask his discomfort. Yet, Heechul notices anyway.
Heechul’s grip on the steering wheel tightens, the leather creaking beneath the pressure. He doesn't greet Kanghoon or offer his usual warm smile. Instead, he pulls away from the curb with a bit more force than necessary.
The silence in the car stretches into an uncomfortable and heavy ten minutes. Actually, Kanghoon has a million things he wants to say, but he’s at a loss for how to begin. He misses his hyung deeply—the warmth of his touch, his comforting presence, the jokes they share. He understands why Heechul is upset, but his mind is too scattered to address it. All he wants is a moment of peace, a break from the pain that seems to suffocate him.
“You’re moving like an old man,” Heechul finally breaks the silence, his voice low and devoid of its usual playfulness.
“I’m fine,” Kanghoon responds, his gaze fixed on the city lights passing by in a blur.
"You’re not fine, Kim Kanghoon. I saw the way you walk. You looked like you were stepping on broken glass," Heechul shoots back, glancing at him sharply in the rearview mirror. "I told you to take it easy on stage. I told you to just postpone the album release. But you never listen.”
"I can't push it back," Kanghoon snaps, fatigue fraying his patience. "The fans are waiting for it. It’s my 10th anniversary and very important to me, it has to be perfect. You know that, Hyung."
"So what?" Heechul's voice rises with frustration. "Is the anniversary more important than your health? Is an album worth sacrificing your well-being? And you're hardly eating! How much more weight do you intend to lose? You’re already in constant pain. What’s it all for?"
“For the fans! For myself!” Kanghoon turns to face him, his eyes fierce. “As long as I can stand, I will stand there! You know this better than anyone!”
Heechul slams on the brakes.
The car suddenly halts on the deserted road, causing Kanghoon to gasp as a jolt of pain shoots through his back.
Without a moment's hesitation, Heechul unbuckles his seatbelt and turns to face Kanghoon, fury radiating from him. His heart races as if it might burst. He looks ready to explode.
“And what happens when you can’t stand anymore?” Heechul demands. “What happens when you completely break?”
“I won’t break.”
“You said it yourself!” Heechul yells, throwing his hands up in frustration. “On stage! During the ment!”
Kanghoon freezes, the memory flashing through his mind.
“If I were to die now, I would have no regrets.”
Heechul repeats the words, his voice shaking with anger. "Do you even realize how it felt to hear you say that? Did you see the fans’ reactions online? They were terrified, Kanghoon! Why do you make jokes about death like it’s no big deal?"
“I was just expressing my passion, Hyung,” Kanghoon tries to explain, though his tone falters. “I was saying that I’ve given everything—”
“That’s not passion, Kanghoon-ah! It’s just you being stubborn!”
Heechul's voice trembles, the anger cracking to reveal a deep vulnerability beneath.
Tears stream down Heechul's cheeks as he's gasping for breath, staring at Kanghoon with a heart-wrenching despair that makes Kanghoon’s own heart drop.
“You say you have no regrets?” Heechul murmurs, his fight seemingly drained away. “What about me? What am I supposed to do if you break?”
He chokes back a sob.
"The terrifying feeling of you collapsing in my arms is still vivid in my mind, and now I have to witness your suffering every single day. I have to live with the fear that today could be the day your body gives up again. And you know what's worse? I couldn't really do anything about it, even after we were together. I could only stand there watching you wince in pain at the slightest movement, trying desperately to hide it from everyone else. It kills me, you know? It truly feels like I'm dying inside."
The car falls into a heavy silence, filled only by Heechul’s ragged breathing.
Kanghoon sits paralyzed. He's seen Heechul angry or annoyed countless times, but seeing him like this, so scared and vulnerable, feels entirely different. He watches as the light in Heechul’s eyes dims and the facade of composure completely gone.
The tension of their argument begins to fade, leaving Kanghoon with a heavy, chilling realization.
After being together, his life is no longer only his. His pain is not his alone to bear. With every ache he feels, he drags Heechul down too. Each time he tests his limits, he pulls Heechul closer to the edge, threatening to bring them both crashing down.
His walls of defense cumble down, what was once stubbornness gives way to a wave of guilt.
"Hyung..."
Kanghoon reaches out, his hand shaking slightly as he brushes the tears away from Heechul’s cheek with his thumb.
"I didn’t know," he murmurs, almost a whisper. "I had no idea you were feeling this scared. I’m so sorry, Hyung."
Heechul leans into the touch, his eyes fluttering closed as fresh tears cascade down onto Kanghoon’s skin. "I love you too much to stand by and watch you hurt yourself. I just can’t bear it, Kanghoon-ah. I know you’re strong, but it pains me to see you suffer."
A mix of warmth and guilt surged in Kanghoon’s chest. Somehow, he can’t quite wrap his head around how much he means to Kim Heechul, his shining star he once never dared to hope to possess. And it frightens him, the way his own pain seems capable of dulling even that brightness, just as it is doing now.
Ignoring the protest of his aching back, Kanghoon unbuckles his seatbelt and leans over the console, resting his forehead against Heechul’s.
"I wasn’t trying to be suicidal, Hyung," he speaks softly, nudging Heechul to meet his gaze. "I meant what I said, but not in the way you think."
His hand finds its way into Heechul’s hair, his tone steady and sincere.
"I’ve traveled the world, stood on countless stages. I’ve created the music I’ve always wanted to make. And now... now I have you."
A bittersweet smile spreads across his face.
"That’s why I said I have no regrets. I truly feel like I’ve accomplished everything I could have ever wished for in this life. You’ve made my life even more meaningful, Hyung. You’ve made it whole."
Heechul sniffs loudly, wiping his eyes before giving Kanghoon a playful glare, though there’s no real anger behind it.
"Well, cancel that thought," he says, his voice thick and congested. "You’re not allowed to feel complete yet. Let's make more wishes, more plans, more dreams, as much as we can. "
With a firm grip on Kanghoon’s shirt, he pulls him closer.
"If you die, I die too," Heechul declares. It sounds somewhat humorous, but the seriousness in his eyes is unmistakable. "I mean it. I’ll haunt you. I’ll make your afterlife a living hell. I’ll sing at your funeral until everyone leaves and my soul gives up."
Kanghoon lets out a shaky, genuine laugh. "Alright. No dying, I promise."
"And no dancing until your knee is better," Heechul adds, a firm tone in his voice.
"But, Hyung..."
"No dancing."
"Okay," Kanghoon gives in. "No dancing."
The tension in the car melts away, replaced by the comforting warmth of reconciliation.
"We’re going to get some food," Heechul announces, wiping his face with his sleeve. "Real food. Not just salads and greens. And you’re going to the hospital tomorrow."
"But I have the mixing—"
"I’ll burn down the studio and carry you to the hospital if I have to," Heechul warns. "Hospital it is."
"As if you you're strong enough to carry me," Kanghoon replies with a playful tone. "Okay, hospital it is, but you must go with me for check up too."
"Aish this brat! I've started going to the gym you know!" Heechul lets out a small laugh. "Okay, hyung will go with you. Let's get a check up and therapy together."
Heechul reaches for Kanghoon, pulling him into a gentle embrace, carefully not to put any pressure on Kanghoon’s back, holding him as if he’s made of delicate porcelain at the brink of breaking.
Heechul plants a soft kiss on Kanghoon’s forehead, then on his temple, and finally his lips. The kiss carries a taste of relief and a promise for better days.
"Let’s live for a long time," Heechul whispers against Kanghoon’s lips. "I want to be that annoying old man with you."
"You’re already halfway there," Kanghoon teases lightly.
"Shut up."
They separate but keep their hands intertwined on the console. As Heechul shifts the car back into gear, Kanghoon closes his eyes, feeling the sharpness of his back pain ease just a bit under the reassuring warmth of Heechul's hand.
Kanghoon makes himself a quiet promise to to take a better care of himself. He’s not going to die anytime, not with this much left to live for.