Work Text:
Ponyboy doesn’t remember how or when It came. Maybe It started following him after the death of his parents, or maybe when he realized that he was different from everyone else. Hell, maybe he was born with It, like a twin no one else but him could see. What he does remember, is being very, very young, sitting on the couch as his family chatters around him, and wondering why he feels so alone. What he does remember, are those infrequent, sudden moments when It would run a hand through his hair, and for a moment - just a moment - it’d feel like he was out of his body. A passive observer in the world that was supposed to be his oyster.
A lot of the time, It would take over him, when he opened his mouth to speak. To this day, he doesn’t know what he said wrong, but he remembers the first time the other kids looked at him weirdly. Like he’d broken some unspoken rule, or crossed a boundary. He’d just wanted to play marbles with a few of the girls. But no matter who he talked to, it was always that same look. Like he did something weird by asking the teacher a clarifying question, or speaking up during group work. The gang, thankfully, never looked at him weird. To them, that’s just ‘how Pony is.’ He doesn’t like it, being labeled as other, but it’s better than them looking at him weird and pushing him away all-together.
That’s not all It does, though. Sometimes, It makes his mind run faster than Ponboy runs at track, and whispers things in his ear that he’s never said aloud. It’s words dig a little pit in Ponyboy’s stomach, until the idea of moving from his bed makes his eyes sting and his lungs falter. Personally, Ponyboy thinks that Darry would hate It, but Darry doesn’t believe in things that he can’t see with his own two eyes, so he just thinks that Ponyboy is holding himself down. He doesn’t realize that Ponyboy is a twin, and his twin lays on top of him like a second skin some days. Mama used to look at Ponyboy all sad like, and run a hand through his hair, and have Daddy call him outta school on days like that. She’d never make him eat or drink water, or ask him to sit up. She’d keep the room dark, and would always know when he wanted to be alone and when he didn’t. Daddy would come home from work, say hi to however many boys were in the house, and then go straight to Pony’s room. There, he’d press a kiss to Pony’s forehead and sit with him for a few minutes with this strange, upset look on his face. Then he’d smile and tell Pony that they’ll make his favorite dessert tonight, before leaving the room.
But Mama and Daddy aren’t here anymore, and It lays on top of him more often than before, and Darry doesn’t understand, and Soda doesn’t either. Darry tries to force him outta bed, and grounds him when it doesn’t work. Soda just worries and cries. Ponyboy can hear them through the walls, sometimes, talking about how Mama and Daddy coddled him too much and now he can’t function without them. How he needs to toughen up. Soda cries during those talks too, and even though the sound makes Pony’s heart constrict, It never lightens enough to let Ponyboy stand. So he closes his eyes instead.
It doesn’t like Johnny or Curly much, Ponyboy thinks. It always backs up when they’re around, watches from a distance instead of curling around Pony’s shoulders and hissing things into his ear like It usually does. Darry and Soda don’t like Curly too well, but they’ll have to suck it up because Curly is one of two people who can chase off his twin, and Pony likes being around him well enough. Although, sometimes Ponyboy thinks that Johnny has his own invisible twin, because Pony can see the tiredness in Johnny’s eyes when he thinks no one is looking. The two of them haven’t talked about it yet, but Ponyboy thinks that Johnny already knows. Afterall, he’s always known exactly what to do on days when Pony can’t get up, and sometimes Johnny will mutter nice things to Pony while no one is listening. Johnny is the best buddy one could ask for, and Curly ain’t half-bad either.
But they can’t chase It away forever. It always snakes around his shoulders again. Ponyboy prides himself on his self-control; how he can stop It from speaking through his mouth, or how he can get away before It overwhelms him. When Pony was younger, he wasn’t able to do that. His Mama would try to get him into a certain type of fabric and he’d just wail his head off, or he’d see his food touching and refuse to eat the rest of the day. On the worst days, It would overwhelm him so much that he’d scream and yell and spit out It’s venom until he was sobbing on the floor and Mama had to pick him up and soothe him to sleep. Now, he can force himself into clothes without putting up a fuss, and he can tolerate food that touches, and…well, he’s not good at holding back It’s venom, but he doesn’t cry about it anymore.
The worst part about It, though, is the way It controls his attention. Sometimes, Pony will look at the guys’ switches and think about swiping them, or he’ll eye the long-forgotten medicine at the back of the cabinet. Sometimes he’ll throw up everything he eats, or eat as much as he can before crying in bed, and he’ll think about doing that every day until it kills him. Johnny - in rare, quiet moments - has talked before about killing himself, but Pony doesn’t think that’s the case for himself. Just…sometimes It can be heavy, and the pit in his stomach gets too deep, and Pony looks at the future and sees nothing but misery. Pony doesn’t actively want to kill himself, he just wants It to go away.
Without It, maybe Pony would have friends outside of Johnny and Curly. Maybe Darry wouldn’t seem so stressed all the time. Maybe Soda could’ve stayed in school, and would be able to go out without worrying about his clingy tag-along brother. But deep-down, Ponyboy knows that It is right. The cause of everyone’s problems isn’t It, it’s Ponyboy. And Ponyboy doesn’t wanna die, but he’s so tired, and he wants everyone to be happy.
So he’ll walk to the store and buy some medication he’s never heard of - Melatonin? The bottle says it’s for sleep, which is good because he wants to sleep. He’ll go to bed early tonight, and take the entire bottle in the bathroom while pretending to brush his teeth. He’ll lay in bed and listen to the gang laugh in the livingroom, wondering if this was the right decision. When Sodapop comes to bed that night, he’ll find Ponyboy already asleep, breathing slow as Soda slides into bed next to him. And when Ponyboy wakes up the next morning, he’ll cry in the bathroom. And when he goes to school, and comes back home, and talks to his brothers, he’ll wonder why no one noticed. And he’ll do that again, and again, and again, until It guides him to another medicine that should work better.