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It was another one of those nights. The ones where you stood listlessly up at the ceiling alone with your thoughts with your eyes seemingly unable to close for more than a second. The ones where you were either too hot or too cold with seemingly no inbetween. The ones where you started questioning one too many things about yourself.
Were you being too much?
An annoyance?
Would she be better off without you…?
You felt your breathing quicken and your eyes sting as you let out a tiny, yet uncontrollable sob. You didn’t want to admit it. You needed comfort. Desperately so. Nothing else made you feel quite so loved, quite so validated, like being cradled gently in her arms. But…surely, she would get sick of it? Anybody would after dealing with you for so long. You dreaded losing the love that she felt for you. You needed to be less dependent on her, that you knew for sure. You needed to be strong for her. But at that moment, you couldn’t have felt tinier. Lost, defenseless, and weak. Why was it so hard to repress these urges? To be big for once in your life. Why couldn’t life just be easy?
Eyes still watery, you bundled up your blankie and trudged on out of your bedroom. You knew it would be rude to wake her up at this hour, but you just needed someone to cry to before you did something you’d regret. Your legs shaky, you entered Rosalina’s lavish purple bedroom, and saw her peacefully sleeping away, her soft body rising and falling with her breathing. With a sniffle, you gently tugged on her arm, every fiber of your body one degree away from a meltdown without her presence.
“Mmh…? Baby…? Is that you?” she groggily moaned. Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, your soft guardian looked down on you, her eyes widening as she saw you about to cry a river.
“Oh, baby…! What’s got you all sad, huh? Oh, honey…” she cooed, gently lifting you up onto her tummy. You could barely get in a single word before you just let go and cried your little heart out.
“Shh…it’s okay, it’s okay…shh…” she continued, concerned at how sad you truly were. You occasionally had fits whenever you took a tumble or had to be left alone for a little bit, but nothing had left you this shaken to her.
You choked out, “…voices…mean…” to her, trying in vain to articulate your thoughts.
“Voices? What voices, baba?”
“…useless…”
“Oh, no, no, no…baby, you are not useless…you are not annoying, you are not a burden, and you are certainly not useless…poor thing…” she consoled, the weak confession nearly breaking her heart.
“But always little…” you hiccupped, “…can never be big for Mama…”
“Oh, dear…you know I love it when you express your little side to me. Those wide, bright eyes of yours are brighter than any star I’ve seen, and I wouldn’t trade these experiences with you for the world, baby. I know it may feel like you should be doing things for yourself more often, and you’re welcome to be big if you truly want to, but trust me, you are giving me enough happiness just being the way you are, in your core.” She continued, gently pressing a finger to your chest. “Getting the chance to spoil you has made me so happy, little one. Remember that.”
“Mmm…” you hummed, the tears fading at her soft voice and kind words. You rubbed your eyes, bloodshot from the tears and lack of sleep.
“Oh, you look so tired…couldn’t sleep?” Rosalina whispered.
You nodded.
“Just…left awake with your thoughts for too long, huh? Poor thing, I didn’t know you suffered from those kinds of thoughts…what could’ve caused this, eh?”
“Dunno…” you whined.
“You feeling sick?”
You shook your head.
“Too much energy?”
No again.
“Did you eat today?”
Oh. She was right. You hadn’t eaten that much today, if at all. It was getting to be quite the bad habit. Guilt slowly started to spread across your face.
“Baby, did you eat today?” she repeated, more sternly this time.
You nodded with a whimper, Rosalina holding you just a little bit closer to prevent another meltdown.
“That’s probably it, baby.” She sighed. “You can’t be skipping meals, love. Your body gets sad if it doesn’t get food…tell you what, I can go get you some snacks from the kitchen and your favorite bottle, and once you’re finished eating, you can snuggle with Mama till morning, okay?”
You nodded. Snacktime sounded nice.
One trip to the kitchen later, and Rosalina gave you your bottle, which you started sipping with gusto, as well as a small bowl of Star Bits.
“Now, I’m being nice here and giving you treats, but if I catch you skipping meals again, it’s going to be brussels sprouts next time.” She warned.
You made a small “bleh” noise at that, hating the idea. Slowly, you popped a few of the Star Bits into your mouth, the sweet, honey-like morsels melting in your mouth. No wonder Rosalina liked snacking on these herself. Down the candied bits went, filling your stomach as it growled hungrily. By the time you were done, your fuzzy pajama shirt rode up on you a tad, full of milk and honey and feeling oh so warm.
Rosalina chuckled at your tummy, giving it a loving rub. “Aww, there we go. Doesn’t everything feel better with your cute tummy all full? So chubby and cute…if you eat too many of those, you’ll be quite the pudgeball, huh? Although maybe that’s hypocrisy on my part.”
You could only manage a small yawn, making grabby hands towards your caregiver.
“Oh, yes, of course. Little one needs their snuggles, can’t forget.”
She smiled, gently tucking you in and pulling you against her. She started to gently shush you as you felt more and more drowsy, occasionally sprinkling in quiet praise such as “Cute little baby” and “My little star”. As you finally fell asleep proper, you could hear Rosalina saying one last thing before you slipped into dreamland once more.
“I love you. More than anything in the world, I love you. No matter what.”