Chapter Text
The first time Akimichi Chouji met Hoshigaki Kisame, he punched him in the face.
Now, as one was a ninja of Konoha and the other was a ninja of Kiri, it wasn't all that surprising. Meetings between leaf and mist ninja ended in fights all the time, most of them far more deadly than punches.
What was surprising was that Chouji managed to hit a Swordsman of the Mist and live to tell the tale.
Chouji would maintain that it was Sasuke's fault. They had been sent on a two-man mission, C rank, nothing complicated. It was picking up correspondence from one of the Fire Country nobles and bringing it back to Konoha. Walk in the park. Easy as pie.
Only then they'd both sensed weird chakra. And while Chouji cited that they needed to return to Konoha quickly, Sasuke correctly identified the chakra as Mist ninja and decided they were too close to the border to be up to any good.
While he had no doubt that this was true, Chouji reminded Sasuke that they were chunin and probably outnumbered.
Sasuke informed Chouji that he was a coward.
Chouji did not rise to the bait and threatened to tell Itachi. This was his ultimate trump card, and it would have worked, if the damn Mist ninja- and the person they were chasing- hadn't come barreling right into the two arguing Leaf ninja.
Chouji had been right, they were outnumbered, four to two. That was annoying.
One of their opposing number was clearly a jounin, which was doubly annoying.
That jounin was holding something that was either a really weirdly wrapped bolt of silk or a freakishly large sword and that boosted the whole situation from annoying right up into Nara Troublesome.
There wasn't much of a fight to speak of. Sure, Sasuke was a genius, and Chouji thought (privately, very quietly, and exclusively to himself) that he could hold his own, but there was only so much you could do when water missile jutsus were being thrown around like it was a midsummer balloon fight.
The big guy, with the bolt-of-silk-or-sword, honed in on Chouji, which was great, just great. Exactly what he needed. Chouji did his best to keep his distance, cursed himself five times over for being a short range fighter, and swore to every ancestor he had that he'd learn better defensive jutsus if he just survived the next ten fucking minutes.
He was pinned by the weird sword and wondering just how much shark teeth would hurt while ripping his face off when it happened.
The jounin grinned at him- grinned, or leered?- and said, "What a cute piggy you are."
For a moment, Akimichi Chouji's world came to a screeching halt.
Then it started up again, and his fist- with enough power behind it to level a small boulder- was beelining over the top of the weird sword and straight at the fish-man's face.
Impact, when it came, was immensely satisfying.
Chouji moved back as quickly as he could, made to regroup but there was no need.
Their teachers had arrived.
Chouij went nearly boneless in relief. In fact he fell flat on his ass and stared at the pool of water into which the fish-man had submerged.
He looked up and the first thing he saw was Sasuke, soaking wet and looking at least slightly guilty, which all Chouji could ask, really.
"This," he said, "is your fault."
Kakashi sauntered over from the bodies of two of their attackers as Asuma helped Chouji to his feet. "That was beautiful." He told the chunin. "Really, I wish we had it on camera."
"Had what on camera?" Chouji's ears were ringing.
"You just punched Samehada Kisame, kid." Kakashi said, clapping Chouji on the back. "It was stupid as hell. I'm amazed you're still here!"
"Kakashi!" Asuma hissed. He turned his attention to his student. "Chouji? Are you here?" He waved a hand in front of Chouji's face. "Earth to Chouji. Hello?"
Chouji blinked slowly. "I punched who?" He asked.
He didn't like the answer any more the second time he heard it.
The perimeter was secured, they were dutifully chewed out for their lack of attention and entering a fight unprepared, and Asuma led Chouji home with his brow creased in concern. Chouji ate absentmindedly that night and, the next morning, looked at Ino and said, "My name doesn't even MEAN pig! Yours does!"
He endured the immediate attack upon his person with bravery. Shikamaru gave him a long, considering look.
"Asuma told me you punched a Swordsman of the Mist." He said over clouds later. "In the face."
Chouji groaned and shoved more chips in his mouth.