Work Text:
Taesan was minding his own business, headphones on as he listened back on the newest track he'd been working on, when he saw him.
Kim Donghyun.
Leehan.
His boyfriend.
Well… ex-boyfriend.
A relative stranger now when he'd once been the person Taesan knew better than anyone.
The drumbeat slowed in time with the realization, like his life had suddenly become a drama. A wave of painful nostalgia nearly knocked Taesan clean off his feet as he thought back on how they'd gotten to this point, a year and a half-long relationship and three years of friendship before that were tossed aside like they'd meant nothing when in fact they'd been Taesan's everything.
The cracks had been there already, longer than Taesan would have probably admitted to noticing.
There had been too much time spent apart, strained by obligation and responsibilities that they'd both been unable to avoid. Dates that had become fewer as their classes and part-time jobs had started to demand more of their time as they'd been approaching the end of their final year of university. Taesan couldn't remember who'd stopped their nightly ritual of staying on the phone until one of them feel asleep or when he'd decided that lyric arrangements meant more than pausing to text his boyfriend to ask him how his day had been on the nights they'd both been too busy to meet up. It had gotten to the point that they barely were able to see each other more than once a week and communication between them had become less and less until it was almost nonexistent.
All of it had culminated when emotions had run high late one night in Taesan's apartment after too many long days and even longer nights that had boiled over into the worst fight they'd ever had in the over four years they'd known each other.
Cruel words had been slung on both of their parts, sharp barbs that sought out the softest parts to cause maximum damage. They'd reached for each other's worst insecurities and used them like weapons because they'd known each other so well. It had felt like a war that lasted decades but in retrospect had been a mere forty-five minutes.
Maybe they could have fixed things if they'd both just backed off and given each other some space. But Leehan had been stubborn and Taesan had been tired and reactive, uncaring even in the face of what he would come to conclude was the worst decision of his life.
"This isn't gonna work anymore."
Taesan remembered in vivid detail the way the color had drained from Leehan's face until he was almost porcelain white when he'd said those five little words that had sealed their fate. How Leehan had flinched backwards and stared up at him for a long moment with this look on his face like he was begging Taesan to take them back. And when Taesan didn't he'd had to watch the way the light died out of the stars in Leehan's eyes like a galaxy collapsing on itself into a black hole before he'd rushed out of the apartment, not even remembering to grab his jacket in spite of the fact it had been mid-February at the time and there had been a snowstorm going on outside.
They'd both caused the cracks but Taesan had been the one to shatter them completely.
Sungho had fetched Leehan's things in the fallout of that catastrophic evening. He'd shown up one afternoon without warning holding a box of Taesan's stuff and Taesan hadn't been brave enough to look at him, afraid of the disappointment or worse pity that he'd find in the older's eyes. He'd just let Sungho into the apartment with his head bowed to allow him to grab the box that Riwoo had so painstakingly put together just that morning, full of the last vestiges of his ties to Leehan.
Taesan remembered just standing by the door, chest aching like a void had been ripped open inside of it as he'd watched Sungho double-check that everything was there. It had taken less than five minutes and then Sungho had gathered the box up in his arms to march past Taesan.
"You broke his heart, you know that? He trusted you with everything and you threw it back in his face." Were Sungho's final words to him, angry and protective until a soft almost sad look crossed his face when Taesan had finally looked up to meet his gaze with a broken one of his own. Sungho may have been Leehan's best friend but they'd been close too, just like Riwoo was with Leehan. The breakup was hard on all of them. The older's voice had gentled then, "I'm sorry, Taesan-ah. I… I just really wish things had turned out differently for the two of you."
"Hyung, I…"
Taesan didn't know what he would've said then— apologized, maybe, or perhaps pleaded with Sungho to help him get Leehan back— but he'd clamped his mouth shut before anything could come out, too afraid of ruining things more than they'd already been, and he'd let Sungho leave without another word.
Graduation had come too quickly after that.
He and Leehan had planned for their lives after university at length once upon a time. Leehan's internship at the aquarium had already offered him a permanent position as a Marine Biologist and Taesan had just passed an interview with an up-and-coming label called KOZ. They'd been looking into moving to a bigger apartment in a neighborhood located between both of their jobs and maybe even adopting a dog together one day.
All of those plans had gone up in flames after their breakup, obviously.
At the ceremony Taesan's feet had been heavy with regret when they should've been light with satisfaction and anticipation. Instead, the diploma had felt like lead in his hands and when he'd thanked the professors the words had tasted like ash in his mouth. Even his parents and siblings' proud faces in the crowd hadn't lifted the weight on his chest, especially not after he'd watched Leehan trudge across the stage in a similar manner not twenty minutes later looking as desolate and empty as Taesan had felt.
Taesan had wanted to reach out then, to try to say something, anything that might fix what he'd broken but Leehan had disappeared after the ceremony and when Taesan tried to call him, it said the number was unavailable.
The future had stretched out before him, blank and unending like Taesan had been walking off a cliff instead of towards something. But in lieu of allowing himself to be swallowed whole by the gaping darkness, Taesan had thrown himself into the one thing he had left: music.
KOZ had turned out to be incredible, full of like-minded people whose passion for music rivalled Taesan's own. The CEO Woo Jiho, also known as the artist ZICO, was super cool and gave him the freedom to do what he wanted with his work. Taesan had taken their intern— a guy a couple years younger by the name of Kim Woonhak who reminded Taesan of his little brother and was too cute not to tease— under his wing to the point that they'd actually become quite good friends in the last couple of months.
He still saw Riwoo often enough even though both of them were busy, between Taesan's work and Riwoo's schedules as a professional dancer, mostly because the older refused to let him become a stranger. Taesan was too afraid to lose someone else he loved after everything that had transpired so he did his best not to let things slip between them.
It had been almost seven months— precisely six months, twenty-seven days, six hours and forty-two minutes, not that Taesan had been counting— since that night. The last time he had truly seen Leehan. And yet here he was, in the most unanticipated of places: on the same train Taesan was taking downtown to meet up with Woonhak for lunch.
He looked thinner than before, like maybe he hadn't been eating properly since their split, and tired, eyes drooping in the way they always did when Leehan was truly worn out. Taesan desperately tried not to think about the protein bar and packet of gummies that he had stashed in his bag at that very moment, the habit of keeping snacks on him at all times being one he'd not yet been able to break. A part of him demanded that he march over there and shove them into Leehan's hands before telling him to go home and take a nap. He had to squash that frustrating urge down because he'd long lost the right to take care of Leehan in that way, no matter how much he wanted to.
In spite of his obvious exhaustion, Leehan was still too beautiful to be real.
Twinkling eyes, strong nose, high cheekbones and plush lips… Leehan's face was one that had truly been sculpted by the gods. His hair framed those lovely features in fluffy curls, half of which were currently tied up off of the nape of his neck in a short ponytail. He'd dyed it back to a rich chocolaty brown at some point since they'd broken up, reminiscent of when they'd first met. Distantly Taesan lamented the loss of the pretty shade of honey blond he remembered running his fingers through what felt like only yesterday, wondered if the change had come on a whim or as an attempt by Leehan to distance himself from the wreckage of their relationship.
He wore a blue and grey plaid flannel— the one that Taesan had helped him pick out years ago before they'd been anything more than friends— over a simple white t-shirt and a pair of baggy light wash denim shorts. The headphones his sister had gifted him as a high school graduation present hung around his neck, two small silver hoops dangled from his ears next to studs in the shape of stars. The strap of Leehan's bag was decorated with one of the many keychains from his extensive collection, today's a little green alien plushie wearing sunglasses.
Everything about him was achingly familiar in a way that made Taesan want to reach out and touch, just to verify if he was actually real.
But that fantasy shattered to pieces the second he realized that Leehan wasn't alone.
The guy sitting next to him was short— shorter than Leehan anyways— but maybe the oversized long-sleeved shirt he was wearing just gave that illusion. He was decently handsome, Taesan supposed, as faces went. Black hair fell across his forehead in straight wisps and brushed the tops of his glasses in a way that lent him a boyish, almost puppy-like quality. He brought a fist up to his mouth to cover a laugh at something Leehan said, the bright sound loud enough to reach Taesan's ears even over his music and the general din of the train.
An ugly feeling swelled in Taesan's chest as he watched the mystery guy wrap a familiar arm around Leehan's shoulders and tug him against his side to whisper something in his ear, noting the easy way Leehan leaned into him as he giggled in return. A dismayed scoff escaped his lips at the scene.
So he'd already found someone else then.
Taesan tried not to let the thought hurt him, though he was unsuccessful. It had been months after all, Leehan was well within his rights to have started dating again. Nevermind the fact that Taesan hadn't been able to stomach the idea of meeting someone new when his coworkers asked why he never went on dates even though he was single. He ignored the little voice in the back of his head that was screaming in agony because he'd been holding onto the hope that maybe, eventually, he and Leehan might find their way back to each other someday.
That silent wish seemed foolish now, staring at the sight in front of him.
Leehan looked… happy.
Almost like he'd forgotten everything between them, both the good and the bad. It made Taesan's stomach turn in upset and envy.
So it had been just that easy for him to find someone new?
How long had Taesan agonized over what could have been while Leehan had been out living his life with his new boyfriend?
…Had their relationship not meant as much to Leehan as it had to him?
Taesan hated himself a little for that last thought as memories of the last moments they'd shared together flashed in his head again.
Leehan had loved him back then, he knew that without a doubt. That's why the breakup had hurt so much.
But Taesan still loved him even now, which was why seeing him with someone else felt like he'd been dropped into the pits of hell.
Taesan turned the volume up louder in hopes of drowning out Leehan's boyfriend's laughter with the bass, squeezed his eyes shut tightly like it could erase the memory of seeing his favorite smile directed at someone else. He'd made the choice for both of them seven months ago. He had no right to be jealous now.
If only his traitorous heart would agree with him.
₊ ⊹⋅₊˚₊
Leehan's boyfriend got off at Daebang Station.
In spite of knowing it was a bad idea, Taesan couldn't tear his eyes away as he watched the man press a kiss to the top of Leehan's head and felt sick when Leehan's face scrunched up in an adorable pout as he pushed him away playfully with blatant affection in his eyes. He used to look at Taesan like that once.
He tried to focus on anything else to distract himself from the tempest of emotion rising inside of him and looked around the train. The car had started to fill up more over the last few stops, only standing room remained now. Taesan never bothered sitting even on an empty train, he'd always preferred to lean against the opposite doors so that he had a clean exit when it was his turn to get off.
He watched as the final few passengers trickled onto the train and his eyes caught on an elderly woman with a cane. She cast her gaze around briefly to see if there were any open spots but her shoulders heaved with a sigh when she saw they were all taken. Taesan pulled his headphones off and was about to make a move towards her to offer to help her find a seat when someone else beat him to the punch.
Six months, twenty-seven days, seven hours and one minute since he'd last heard it: Leehan's low, dulcet voice filled Taesan's ears.
"Here ma'am, you can take my seat."
He said the words like it was a suggestion but there was a look in his eyes that Taesan could recognize from a mile away. A smirk pulled at the corner of his mouth despite himself. Leehan may have been speaking politely but there was no way this was going to end any other way than with that little old lady sitting in Leehan's seat.
He had always been charmingly stubborn like that.
"Oh!" The old woman's eyes widened, a surprised but pleased expression spreading across her wrinkled face, "Why thank you. What a kind young man you are."
Taesan felt his face soften as he watched them, fondness blooming at seeing Leehan's inherent thoughtfulness in action. He'd always been so kind to everyone, couldn't even pass by a dog without stopping to give them a pat and reassure them that they were good. It was Leehan's tender heart and obstinate nature that had allowed them to get close in the first place, those discerning yet gentle eyes that had looked past Taesan's mask and seen down to the real him. Taesan hadn't stood a chance even when he'd tried his hardest to push Leehan away.
It felt bittersweet, knowing that in the end Taesan had finally gotten his way right when he'd wanted to least.
Leehan smiled sweetly and held her bag for her while she settled into the cushions. His eyes turned into crescents when she reached up to pinch his cheek as if he were her own grandson, "It's my pleasure. I hope you have a lovely day, ma'am."
"You as well, dear."
Leehan bowed politely before he moved to find himself somewhere to stand. It wasn't rush hour but the train was crowded enough now that he had to squeeze past people with quiet apologies and rueful smiles. It was just when he nearly tripped over a businessman's briefcase only a few steps away from where Taesan was standing that it happened.
Leehan lost his balance and Taesan instinctively reached out to catch him around the waist before he could tumble to the floor. Leehan's hands grasped at his biceps to steady himself. He tried not to think about the other times Leehan had held onto them like that, how long it had been since he'd last felt the younger's familiar warmth.
Not when it felt like he was going to jump out of his skin at a moment's notice.
"Thank you. I'm so sorry, I guess I didn—" Taesan knew when Leehan realized exactly who had caught him when he heard his breath hitch and felt the way he stiffened under his hands, "Ah. Dongm— Tae…Taesan?"
Taesan dropped his hold on Leehan's waist to allow him to back away. He didn't get far though because the other passengers had filled the gap he'd left behind, forming a wall that didn't allow Leehan to move more than a handful of inches.
The train rocked suddenly as it took a corner and knocked them both off balance this time. Taesan had to catch himself against the door with both hands, effectively trapping Leehan between it and his chest. Bambi eyes stared up at him nervously, like Leehan was afraid of something. Not that Taesan could blame him for being scared after everything.
He was terrified too.
This close Taesan could smell Leehan's perfume, the same one he'd used while they were still dating— Taesan's favorite scent in the whole world. The familiar blend of vanilla and amber mixed with the slightest hint of sea breeze filled his lungs when he inhaled and it made his chest ache. It invoked memories of late nights cuddling on his couch, of dates trailing Leehan around aquariums, of Leehan splayed out on the sheets when they made love— Not the time, Taesan!
"Leehan… Hey."
It seemed like a blasé opening but what was he supposed say to his former best friend turned boyfriend whose heart he'd broken less than a year ago? They hadn't talked once since then and Leehan had a new partner now.
Hey was neutral, at the very least.
Leehan watched him cautiously for a moment, like he was waiting for Taesan to say more. Taesan had a lot he wanted to say but none of it felt right.
I thought I'd never see you again.
You're still so beautiful.
Are you doing well? You look exhausted.
I wanted to rip my eyes out, watching you with your boyfriend, because I'm pathetic and I'm still not over you even after this long.
There was a confession that sat at the tip of his tongue, desperate to be said but clumsy in a way that Taesan worried it would never be enough to matter.
I didn't mean all of those horrible things I said to you that night. I was tired and stressed and my mouth just ran away from me because I… I didn't feel like I was enough.
We hadn't gone on a date in over a month and every time I had to cancel, I felt more and more guilty. I'd fucked up something in the inventory at work and the jackass who ran the place had threatened to fire me. Again. I hated that stupid job anyways. He always looked at you funny every time you came in to visit me, like you were dirt dragged in off the street and not the person I love more than anything in the world.
My professor had been giving me shit all week and kept telling me I'd never be a proper music producer, even though I was at the top of the class. I never told you because you were so anxious about your own courses, it didn't seem fair to burden you with my problems too.
I was worried about too much. Frustrated because I felt like I was screwing everything up. Work, school, our relationship… And I took it all out on the one person I shouldn't have.
You.
I should've told you what was going on with me but when you asked me to let you in, I panicked. I said the worst things I could think of because… Well, there was no good reason really. I pushed you away because I was scared and I've hated myself for it every day since.
I should've chased you into that snowstorm, brought you back and kept you warm. Apologized a thousand times until you forgave me.
I should have fought for you. For us.
And I'm sorry that I didn't.
I'm so sorry, Donghyun-ah.
I'm—
"I'm sorry."
Leehan's quiet whisper should have been lost in the cacophony of noise on the train but Taesan heard it as clearly as if he'd shouted, still so attuned to everything about the younger man even after so long apart. It felt like they were in their own little bubble all of a sudden, all other sound cut out.
"You—" He felt his eyebrows furrow as he stared down at him incredulously, "You're what?"
"Sorry." Leehan repeated, "For my part in what happened that night. We were both under a lot of stress, I knew that but I still pushed you. And then I ran because I was upset and scared I'd ruined everything and… Yeah, I'm just— I'm so sorry, Dongmin."
"Leehan…"
Leehan's fingers fiddled with the sunglasses on the alien as he bit at his lower lip, a nervous habit that he'd had as long as Taesan had known him. His eyes looked suspiciously wet as he gazed resolutely down at their feet, "You don't have to say anything! I just… I just wanted you to know."
Despite his better instincts telling him not to, Taesan reached out to cover Leehan's hand with his own. His skin was so soft and warm, the little scar on his pointer finger from a kitchen incident in their sophomore year still visible. Leehan felt solid and small under his touch, like something precious that Taesan desperately wanted to protect even if he didn't have the right to any longer. Not when someone else had taken up that coveted position.
"I'm sorry too." He lowered his own voice to a whisper too, half-hoping that Leehan wouldn't hear the tremble of vulnerability in his voice, "I… Donghyun-ah, I—"
Leehan lifted his other hand and his fingers gently touched his lips to silence him. Taesan swallowed heavily, partly grateful that Leehan had stopped him before he'd devolved into a blabbering mess. Those beautiful doe eyes looked up through thick lashes to meet his, "I've missed you."
Something sour churned in Taesan's stomach at those words and he pulled away enough for Leehan's hand to fall away from his face.
"You looked happy," he jerked his chin towards the window, indicating the outside world where Leehan's boyfriend was now walking around freely, "With him. I'm glad you were able to find a replacement for me so quickly."
He forced venom into his voice to mask the pain that cut through him at the reminder of just how much things had changed between them. It was the worst kind of agony imaginable because it felt hopeless, like the universe was telling him that it was time to let Leehan go once and for all. For Leehan's good as much as his own.
He loosened his grip on Leehan's hand even as every fibre of his being screamed at him not to.
"Replace—?" Leehan frowned up at him, a small amount of hurt mixed in with confusion. He followed his gaze out the window, understanding dawning in his eyes, "Are you talking about Jaehyun-hyung?"
"If that's your new boyfriend's name then yeah."
Leehan's eyes went so wide that Taesan worried he'd hurt himself for a second, "Boyfriend?! You think I'm dating Jaehyun-hyung?"
"I mean… isn't it kinda obvious? You two were," Taesan felt bile rise in his throat and he turned his face away again in hopes that Leehan wouldn't see the jealousy that clouded his expression, "You were being all flirty and cute before he got off the train. He even kissed you goodbye."
"Taesan…" A gentle palm cradled his cheek and turned Taesan so that he was looking directly into Leehan's eyes again, sparkling and sweet and still a little heartbroken. But there was something else there. Something soft and familiar that made Taesan's pulse flutter. "Taesan, no! Jaehyun's a friend, that's it. There's— there's no one else. It's… It's always been you. It could never be anyone but you."
The train came to a halt at its next stop and Taesan felt like the entire world had been turned upside down.
It's always been you. It could never be anyone but you.
Taesan's body moved on autopilot.
He didn't even wait to hear what station they were at before he tugged Leehan through the doors and out into the street. They were somewhere near Gangnam, that he knew for sure. He was supposed to have gotten off two stops ago. Woonhak had to be wondering where he was by now. Taesan couldn't bring himself to care in that very moment, he'd apologize to the younger later.
He kept a firm hold on Leehan's hand and led them in through the streets, mind racing a mile a minute, until they happened upon an empty park. He dropped Leehan's wrist when he sat down on the first bench he found and put his head in his hands, clenching his fingers in his hair as he tried to figure out the words he wanted to say.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw Leehan hovering in front of him, fidgeting anxiously with the edge of his t-shirt.
Taesan gathered his nerve and raised his head to meet Leehan's trembling gaze, "I… I wanted to apologize so many times. After graduation I tried calling you but…" His voice came out gravelly and shaking.
Leehan sat down next to him, his own voice just as unsteady, "That night, after I ran from your apartment, I slipped in the snow and dropped my phone. It was damaged too badly to fix so I had to get a new one and they changed the number. I put yours back in my contacts after but… I was just too afraid to ever call it."
A wet laugh escaped Taesan, "I've been afraid too. I was fucking terrified that if I ever saw you again I would turn back into that insecure dumbass who broke both of our hearts that night. And I knew— even if you really had found someone else— that I'd be unable to do anything but love you just as fiercely as I have for the last six months, twenty-seven days, seven hours and nineteen minutes."
Leehan's watery eyes stared at him in shock, "You were… You were counting?"
"I know it sounds pathetic." Taesan sniffled and wiped roughly at his nose with his sleeve, "I tried not to but it didn't make it hurt any less."
He felt Leehan's head lean against his shoulder, a comfortable weight that felt so nice that Taesan couldn't resist resting his cheek on those soft curls, eyes slipping shut as he felt a tear slip past his defenses.
"I didn't count the exact minutes," Leehan whispered, voice blurry at the edges now like he was trying not to cry too, "But every time I thought about you, all of those missed seconds would hit me like a tidal wave. Even just doing something normal, you know, like grocery shopping or feeding the fish… Your face would pop up in my head and then I'd remember everything we had together and it felt like someone was tearing my heart out of my chest all over again because I missed you so much."
Sunlight filtered through the trees gently. Taesan watched it shimmer on the ground as a warm breeze rustled the leaves.
The moment felt fragile, like one wrong move would break it. Leehan's hair brushed up against the edge of his jaw soft as silk and vanilla filled his senses once more thanks to the wind. It felt so right, like he'd never lost any of this even though it felt like an eternity had passed since he'd felt so at peace.
Taesan basked in it, just in case he'd never have the opportunity to again.
"Do you…" Leehan's voice filled the silence hesitantly, like he didn't want to break the tranquility either, but with a note of determination that rallied Taesan's full attention, "Do you think we can try being boyfriends again?"
It seemed like a silly question.
It was all Taesan had wanted since the moment he'd torn them apart.
But now… something about that exact phrase didn't sound quite right.
Just trying didn't seem like enough.
And maybe what had been broken couldn't be fixed.
"I don't want to try again, Donghyun-ah."
Devastation wracked Leehan's face and he flinched away violently as though Taesan had struck him. Horror rendered Taesan momentarily speechless as he realized how that had come out. When Leehan shot off the bench and made to leave the park, Taesan caught the tears that had started spilling down his cheeks and it startled him into action.
He scrambled to hit feet and reached out to grab Leehan by the shoulders, anxiety turning his voice high and strangled as he tried to walk the statement back, "Wait, wait! That's not how I meant it to come out, Donghyun! I, what I meant was—" Taesan took a deep breath to calm himself, "I want to rebuild what we had together and make it into something even better. I'm not the same guy I was seven months ago and I'm sure you're not either. I want to take you on dates, relearn your favorite color, your favorite foods. I don't just want to try being your boyfriend again, I want to be your boyfriend. The boyfriend that I was at the start, the one you always deserved."
"Dongmin," Leehan's face had become blotchy and his eyes swollen but he was still so beautiful that it took Taesan's breath away, "I want that too. So much, you have no idea. But only if you'll let me do the same. I want to take you on dates too, spoil you and relearn everything I can about you. I want to make up for the time we lost together. You should have the boyfriend that you've always deserved too, the best possible version of myself that I can give you."
"I love you." Taesan didn't regret saying it even if it was probably too soon. He just wanted Leehan to know. "Twice you've wandered into my life, right when I needed you most. I don't think I have enough words to express how grateful I am for that."
Leehan smiled up at him, full and beaming with his eyes crinkling into adorable crescents in Taesan's favorite way that'd he missed so much, "I love you too, Dongmin. And thank you. You've always been able to find me, even when I didn't want to admit that I was lost."
Taesan leaned their foreheads together and let his eyes slip shut, contentment and anticipation settling under his skin. Leehan brushed a thumb across his cheek and giggled cutely when Taesan nuzzled into the touch, smiling into the curve of the younger's palm with sheer, unbridled happiness. The afternoon sun filtered through the trees and dappled their faces with its warmth.
Taesan was fully aware that everything wasn't suddenly fixed as if by magic. There were wrongs that needed to be righted and hurts that needed to be cared for and soothed on both their parts. But the prospect of the future didn't seem so terrifying anymore.
Even though there was still a long road ahead, at least now he was walking it with Leehan by his side again.