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Aelwyn has always known who she was supposed to be.
The perfect daughter. The perfect wizard. She would raise her family even higher, shine a beacon on their brilliance. She knew what school she would go to, what classes she would take, and when she would graduate since she had been three years old. And she knew what her life would hold, after she graduated as well. A job her parents approved of, most likely following in her father’s footsteps as ambassador if a better bath did not reveal itself. A house her parents approved of, cold and sterile, always clean and never appearing lived in, always ready to host people of the proper status. A husband her parents approved of- some high elf from a similar background, no nonsense and ambitious, just like Aelwyn herself.
Aelwyn has always known she wasn’t who she was supposed to be.
She could be a good daughter. The perfect daughter, even. Especially compared to Adaine- she knew she could easily surpass her sister. She knew she could always reach her parents expectations. Surpass them even. She knew she had to surpass her parents expectations. But she also knew, deep down, that she did not fit them. She felt her parents’ expectations, caging her in. Not like jail cells, no, the expectations were for her own good. They were more like a mould. They held her in shape, kept her being exactly how she was meant to be- Even when parts of her longed to seep out of the mould, take her own, unique shape. But that was failure.
And failure was not an option. So Aelwyn buried it. She always buried it.
Buried the way that her heart throbbed, whenever she and Penelope Everpetal met to discuss their plans. Buried the way that she genuinely liked the fact that Adaine’s friend liked her- even if he was going to Aguefort, and was weird and awful and strange. Buried the way that the idea of marrying some man that her parents approved of, boring and blank slate and with the same amount of personality as an oyster stung at her. At how much the idea of marrying anyone, anyone at all, stung at her. She wanted to- she wanted the chance to date, and not have to hide it, and have a messy first kiss that she could tell her sister about without worrying about her tattling to their parents.
Buried the way that she envied the way Adaine’s friends acted. They were silly, without ever having to hide it. It was embarrassing, obviously. They were terrible. They were ridiculous. What person with dignity would act like that? None, obviously. But… they made not having dignity look pretty damn appealing, was the thing. They- they cared about each other. They were open about wanting to kiss people, even- even Aelwyn herself. They were odd and strange and open and it threatened to shatter something deep inside of Aelwyn. So she buried it. She buried the hope she had to one day be able to feel that much, that openly. She buried it all.
Buried the evidence of the awful things she’s been doing. They were for the greater good, weren’t they? They would help Aelwyn grow in power, in reputation, in standing. She was doing what she needed to do. And even if her parents' wouldn’t approve of the partying- it was an important part of the plan. At least she could tell herself that much. The thoughts about Penelope, or Fabian, or the magic club leader at Hudol, they- they weren’t part of the plan at all. But at least she could tell herself that the partying, the secrecy, the lies- they were all part of the plan. They were all part of securing her future. Except, suddenly, her plans were shattered. Her future was gone. Everything she thought had been certain was suddenly gone. And-
And failure was the only option, now.
There was no way for her to hold up her parents’ expectations. Not when she had betrayed her mother, switched sides. Not when everything they had been planning was gone. So- Aelwyn had no choice but to be herself. Whoever ‘herself’ was. Aelwyn did not know who that was, just yet. And it was an odd thing- Aelwyn had been so certain of who she had been, before. Who she had to be. She was Aelwyn Abernant. She was a Hudol student. She was a future ambassador. She was going to do great things. She was powerful. She was the perfect daughter. She was the perfect student. She was the perfect elf. She was- she was straight. And Aelwyn had told herself this, every single day, for as soon as she had been old enough to think. But suddenly, it wasn’t true anymore. One thing went wrong, and then it all went wrong, and- And it was as if a dam broke. And suddenly Aelwyn didn’t know who she was, anymore. She just knew who she wasn’t.
Aelwyn now had to figure out who she was, really. Who she could be.
She got herself a job as a middle school teacher. She tried being social with other people, not to get something or boost her own reputation, just to- socialize. She tried things like letting herself like people, without burying it. Men and women, and- anyone. There were no rules. No marriage haunting her. Aelwyn didn’t know how to feel, without her parents’ expectations haunting her. She didn’t know how to be free. But she tried. She hooked up with people. She had one night stands. She adopted far more cats than she knew one person could adopt. She harboured crushes that were confusing and strange. She tried things. She let herself try things. Even when they didn’t work out. Even when it was hard. Even when it was terrifying, to do things that defied her parents’ ideal of a perfect daughter, even when her parents were far away and long gone. It was scary, sometimes. It was hard, sometimes. And yet, Aelwyn continued. Aelwyn tried.
Aelwyn was broken, and imperfect, but, most importantly, herself.