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The water was just the slightest bit too hot, each drop burning their way into his scalp as he sat beneath the shower head, but Riku could not find it within himself to let Sora know. There was something about the scalding heat that felt almost nostalgic for him, though the source of that nostalgia served to make the guilt in his chest sink further into his system.
He didn't deserve this.
Ever since they returned back to Destiny Islands, Riku found himself having an impossible time taking care of himself. Getting dressed for the day was a monumental task as he despised looking at his skin, and don't even get him started on eating three square meals a day. The year of waiting for Sora to wake up, alongside the few months of hiding from him had done a toll on Riku's personal upkeep and it showed. He ate when he could, he bathed sparingly, and he barely bothered to wash the dirt away from his hair.
His hair became the most noticeable problem to others. It was tangled, sticking up in all sorts of directions when Riku wasn't swimming in the sea. When he did go swimming, his hair became dry and frizzy, yet he didn't do a thing about it. It was why he stayed home often these days, unable to handle the pitying looks from Kairi and Selphie or the teasing comments from Tidus and Wakka.
He didn't deserve them.
Sometime in the afternoon, Sora had shown up at his house with a small basket of hair care items. He didn’t really say much, just that he was “here to help” before shoving his way into the house and pulling Riku into his own bathroom. Riku initially tried to shoo Sora out of the house, saying that he appreciated it but "didn't need any help," but Sora wasn't buying it one bit.
Since Sora didn't have the foresight to bring a chair into the bathroom, too worried about starting the shower and getting a towel wrapped around Riku's shoulders to notice the obvious problem of Riku being a bit too tall to lean over the sink, he improvised by forcing Riku to sit next to the bathtub and lean his head over the edge. Sora sat himself on the edge of the tub, leaning over Riku's head and humming.
The scalding hot water had moved away from his head, and Riku could hear Sora lathering the shampoo in his hands before beginning to scrub his scalp, starting with his hairline before slowly scrubbing back. It smelled good, the hint of coconut telling Riku that Sora definitely borrowed it from Kairi. She was always so generous with her things, letting Sora and Riku take whatever they wanted with the promise that it will be brought back to her. They had borrowed so many of her products in the past, mostly to mess around with during sleepovers.
He didn't deserve her friendship.
The scalding hot water returned, rinsing the first round of shampoo down Riku's hair, falling to the bottom of the tub as a waterfall and taking the oil and dirt along with it. The water made its way down Riku's face and neck as well, only thwarted in its path by the towels Sora had delicately laid across his shoulders.
Sora has never been delicate a day in his life, yet he treated Riku like glass as he meticulously placed the towel around his neck. He hummed as he did so, smiling so softly at Riku that he could barely stand it. Riku refused to look into his eyes when he did so, averting his gaze towards the bathtub until Sora had reached up to pat his cheek and turn his attention back to him.
He didn't deserve his smile.
The scalding water had been replaced with Sora's hands yet again, but water continued to pour down Riku's face. Only this time it was cold, landing in splatters against the bottom of the tub. His breathing came out in little gasps, as though he was drowning and trying to come up for air. He tried to take a deep breath, but it felt like it was getting stuck in his throat.
The shower head was all Riku could hear. He desperately listened for it, internally begging for it to come back over his head again. He wanted to shroud his face behind its cover of water and soap, distort his features until no one could make out the person behind the stream. He wanted Sora to stop rubbing his back already and leave.
A whine left his throat, making room for shame to enter. He clenching his fists and desperately trying to hold his breath, but it was to no avail as sobs began to pour forward. The shower head was so loud, why couldn't it hide these sounds? Why couldn't its heat quell his trembling? Why didn't Sora leave him to his shame already? He didn't deserve for him to be washing his hair, he didn't deserve for anyone to be so caring about him.
He was disgusting, he was despicable, he was quite possibly one of the worst things to ever come from Destiny Islands. He was so quick to embrace darkness, so quick to hurt others. He had a small taste of freedom and took advantage of it so quickly that he had betrayed the ones he loved. He was so underserving of their care. He didn't deserve the soft treatment of Kairi's hugs, he didn't deserve the cheers from his friends on the play island. He didn't deserve for Sora to care about him so much, especially not after how he had treated their friendship. Sure, Riku had put Sora back together, but if it wasn't for Riku's betrayal of him, he wouldn't have had to put him back together in the first place. It doesn't matter how much good Riku did, it doesn't erase the evil that he had facilitated and participated in.
Riku's sobs grew hysterical as he began to punch the side of the bath tub. The skin on his hands beginning to split with his strength, stinging as he kept striking the tub. It was uncoordinated, it was loud, and it finally drowned out the sound of the shower head. Or maybe it was turned off. Riku couldn't tell, he could barely even see.
All he could do was apologize. Each strike of his bleeding fists punctuated by a wailing apology, each more garbled than the last. He apologized for being jealous, for feeling trapped, for every single way in which he imposed his "superiority" over Sora. He apologized for the darkness within him, for letting it spread and turn him into nothing but a void of hatred and hurt. He apologized for the fact that Sora was here, washing his hair with Kairi's favorite shampoo and treating him with a gentleness that he never deserved. He apologized for the sheer fact that he was born, and that Sora has had to deal with his presence all of his life.
Sora grabbed Riku's wrists firmly before he could let out another apology, and pulled Riku into a hug. This was not a friendly half hug that Sora was known for, but a full body hug, folding Riku over his body and forcing him to rest his head against Sora's shoulder and bury his face in Sora neck. He could not stop wailing, his bloodied hands gripping the back of Sora's t-shirt for dear life. The shampoo in his hair did not matter. The water dripping over Sora did not matter.
Riku just had to convey how truly sorry he was.
Sora ran his hands up and down Riku's back, shushing him and soothing him with whispers that everything was going to be okay. That he's got him and is not going to let go until Riku's ready. That Riku has made up for the mistakes of the past. That he is so happy to have Riku here with him. That he is so glad they got to grow up together. That he is so grateful that Riku was born.
And eventually, the sobs calmed down to whimpers, and the whimpers became shuddering breaths, and the tears had soaked into Sora's shirt and were sticking to his skin. The bathmat was damp with the drippings of Riku's hair, and Sora had stopped whispering and just held Riku tightly, rocking them back and forth as Riku shuddered in his arms.
When Riku had backed away, he wanted to hide his face behind his hair forever, covered in tears and snot and shampoo. Sora just smiled, took the towel from Riku's neck, and began wiping it all away. The towel was scratchy, but Sora's motions were soft as they gently traced the tracks of tears from Riku's eyes to his chin. It took everything in Riku not to cry again, clenching his fists as a few stray tears fell down his face despite the effort.
And Sora took those fists and gently placed them in his lap, grabbing the first aid kit from under the sink and cleaning away the blood and water. The antiseptic stung, but Riku barely even flinched as Sora whispered a cure spell after he had finished cleaning. The skin threaded itself back together, as though Riku hadn't burst it open in the first place, and Riku let out a breath that sounded like a sob.
Riku leaned back over the tub after his wounds were healed, and from his place on the floor, Sora finished washing Riku's hair. He even combed and blow dried it, all while Riku sat on the bathmat. The position was making his muscles sore, but Riku refused to mess up Sora's concentration. If he cried more while Sora combed his hair, that was nobody's business but his own.
When his hair was clean and soft again, Riku found the ability to rise from the bathmat with Sora's help. Sora dragged Riku to the kitchen to get him a glass of water, forcing him to drink it right there, before dragging him all the way back to his bedroom and shoving him into his bed. When Sora had turned off the light, Riku realized that it was already dark outside and felt embarrassment fill his gut over crying all day.
As he went to apologize, Sora shut him up by climbing into bed with him and pulling Riku into his chest. Sora even nuzzled into Riku's hair, commenting that it smelled really nice thanks to his handiwork, and Riku laughed hysterically for the first time in a long while.