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Colin hadn’t cared about any sport other than football since he was nine and his coach told him that he had a future in this sport. He’d worked hard every day since then, developing skills, learning plays, and studying his opponents for weaknesses. His style of play required that knowledge. He was adaptable, able to change his playstyle in the match-up against any opponent. He was a chameleon; even his coaches said so. It was perfect. That ability to blend in, to fit himself into any team or play, meant that he was able to hide himself in plain sight.
Football players couldn’t be gay. Well, male footballers anyway. The women’s teams were far more accepting and supportive of their queer players. The Premier League… not so much. Colin had grown up experiencing dressing room after dressing room where slurs and homophobic phrases were thrown around carelessly. Sometimes in jest, other times in hateful seriousness. He’d been careful, though, and ensured that those words were never directed towards him.
He wasn’t proud of what he’d done to keep himself hidden. Sometimes he found a lesbian at a bar and begged her to leave with him, just to keep up appearances to his teammates. Sometimes he’d ghost a guy who tried to get too close to who Colin truly was. Sometimes he’d bully other players or the kitmen for his various teams. It was worth going home and being ashamed of himself later if it meant he could carry on playing football. Because there were no gay men in football. His years in the younger leagues had forced all of those young men to quit. Not Colin, but that just meant he couldn’t let himself be anything other than what everyone expected.
He spent years like that, believing he would never have a place in professional sports as an out player. He was twenty when he finally allowed himself to hope for something more.
In June of 2017, Colin’s world shifted on his axis. He’d just come off a solid season at Cardiff City FC. He was on vacation, at home with his parents for the weekend, when an evening news show reported the news. Mashed in with all of the random information from across the globe. The American President had made another outlandish statement. There were continuing memorial services planned for those who died in Grenfell Tower. And the NHL had their final game of the year in the US. The team for New York had won and their team captain had brought a man, presumably his partner, down onto the ice and kissed him. In front of the cameras and God and all the homophobes in the crowd. They showed a bit of the footage of the pair kissing. Just a second or two before the anchor shifted to the next tidbit of news. Something about a mosque being destroyed in a terrorist attack. Then it cut to another shocking story.
He stood up and took his phone with him, leaving the room while his parents remained, claiming a teammate was calling to catch up. Instead, he went back to his childhood bedroom, quickly entering “hockey player gay kiss” into Google as he sat down on his bed. He took a deep breath as he hit enter and waited for the results to load.
“New York Admiral’s Scott Hunter Comes Out After Cup Win” flashed up at Colin as the first result. He clicked on it instantly.
The video was clearly someone recording their own tv set. Colin could hear the muffled voices of people talking in the room, celebrating their team winning the cup. On the TV screen in the video, the camera followed a player who Colin figured must be Scott Hunter. The captain had the cup raised above his head as he circled around the rink. The group watching the TV cheered as well, someone ran in front of the screen with their arms raised.
Hunter circled around and handed off the cup to another player who skated off with it. The commentator on the TV narrated throughout, giving some brief stats about the player that now held the cup, before finally announcing that various family members had come down to the ice to meet their various players. Colin watched as the camera panned to various players rushing over to hold their wives and kids, rejoicing in the win of a lifetime. Then he noticed how Scott Hunter stood alone. No one rushing up to hold him, not even his parents.
The camera wasn’t following Hunter specifically but Colin couldn’t take his eyes off of him. He watched Hunter’s face fall, even as players passed behind him to give him a pat on the back. The captain’s gaze drifted to the side and held, looking at something, no, someone in the audience. He turned back to his team and gave a little smile before drifting on the ice like a magnet towards the side of the rink.
“Hunter seems to be looking out to the fans,” the commentator said.
Then he stopped, staring intently at the audience. He twitched his head in a little “come here” motion to someone in the audience. Then he skated closer, raising a hand and waving someone down. He yelled something too but the camera didn’t pick up what he said. Hunter turned to glance back towards his team one last time. He almost seemed to draw the camera to himself as he did. The angle shifted and Colin saw less of the entire team now, instead the focus being on someone coming down from the audience.
“Is it a fan?” A commentator asked.
“Big moment for that fan, if true,” another replied.
Colin watched as the camera was finally able to focus in on the moving figure in the audience. He wore a plain jean jacket with a fur collar. He was handsome but his movements made it clear even from a distance that he was uncertain of what he should be doing.
Hunter didn’t seem unsure though. He twitched his head again as if to tell the audience member to keep going. Sure enough, the man did. Hunter skated forward to the wall to meet him.
“Hunter now trying to get someone’s attention. Apparently inviting someone from the crowd down to the rink,” the commentator droned again. Colin hated sports commentators sometimes. It’s like the didn’t trust the audience to use their own fucking eyes to see what was happening.
Hunter grabbed onto the wall right as the man from the audience got closer. He gave the man a little wave to hop over the boards as he opened the door for him.
“He just hopped the boards,” the commentator observed.
Colin watched as Hunter took the other man’s hand and led him onto the ice. The other man looked around nervously. His mouth moved as he said something to Scott. Hunter didn’t seem concerned though, he seemed like he was holding back a smile as he answered. The camera didn’t pick it up but Colin knew enough to tell Hunter had said “Yes. Yes, I do.”
Hunter moved them a bit further onto the ice before spinning and putting a hand on the other man’s shoulder with one hand and still holding his hand with the other. They were still saying something. Hunter gave a little head shake and stared at the other man for a beat.
The screen switched to a different camera angle. This one low and close enough to really see both men’s faces. Right as Hunter put his hand on the other man’s neck and they leaned together for a kiss.
Colin felt his heart soar. He had always wanted that for himself. Maybe not some big spectacle like this. But he wanted, desperately, to be able to kiss his own male partner after a win. To just be himself and share his joy with a person he loved like everyone else on his team. Hunter was getting to live that dream. And even if Colin couldn’t yet, maybe never would, he couldn’t help the wave of joy that came over him at seeing a fellow queer athlete get that happy moment.
The kiss probably only lasted for a few moments but to Colin it felt like years had passed. Like he was a completely changed person just from watching the kiss. Eventually Hunter and the other man separated, smiling at each other like they were the only two in the world. Then they leaned in and kissed again and again. Completely lost in each other and uncaring about the cameras or the fans around them.
When they pulled back again, Hunter spoke and the camera was finally close enough to pick it up, though it was muffled.
“I love you so fucking much.”
“I love you too,” the man answered.
Then they were kissing again and the crowd both on the TV screen and from the room where this were recorded started screaming and losing their minds.
“You don’t see that every day.” The commentator continued even as Hunter and the man started properly making out on the ice. “And listen to that crowd!”
“They are loving this!” The second commentator replied.
“Good for him! Good for Scott Hunter!”
Colin couldn’t take his eyes off the screen within his phone. Hunter finally pulled away and was clutching onto the other man, his face pressed into his neck. Holding each other. When they finally separated, they were smiling and laughing and looked so happy and full of love it made Colin’s chest ache even as his heart beat fast in excitement.
He couldn’t imagine the joy and contentment that they must be feeling. Not to mention how supportive the audience was as well. No boos or heckles, all cheers and shouts of joy for these two men and their love. Colin allowed himself for a moment to dream of what that would be like for him. There would be no ice, just a grass field. And he’d be surrounded by fans, probably just one player in a crowd of many. A man would come out of the crowd and rush over to him and they’d embrace and kiss each other. No one would sneer or antagonize them. He wouldn’t even need a bunch of cheers, just the simple act of being able to do it at all would be enough.
Would he ever be brave enough to kiss a fella in front of the world like Hunter had?
He watched as the camera shifted angles again, this going wide to show all of the New York team rushing over to Hunter and his man. Surrounding them in a giant group hug of support and pure joy. Not a single player avoiding the swarm or even making it seem like they would want to. All happy for the captain and accepting of him being queer or gay or whatever.
Colin couldn’t imagine that. His team now was fine. Solid, but in a way with some distance still. He’d go drink with them and play a video game or two but he knew they didn’t care about being in his life forever. No one asked him a lot of details about himself. He never had been on a team that was as close as Hunter’s seemed. A team was a work group to Colin, not a family.
The video cut out and Colin couldn’t help himself, he dragged the cursor back to the start and watched again.
Maybe someday he could have that. Not today, probably not any time soon. But queer players existed in men’s sports all over the world. Even if they were hiding now, Colin hoped maybe he wouldn’t have to hide forever.