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Setsu shifts in their seat.
It’s only been a few loops. Nine loops - not enough to lose count, yet - of lying, being lied to, of confusion and loss and why am I here? But they bite down their worries and keep going, because it’s the logical thing to do.
Still, Setsu can’t get used to it. It’s easier to spot Gnosia, but there are times where they still “lose, “ waking in another world, their breathing shallow and heavy.
And the constant within it all, Yuri - their reassuring smiles and careful observation sustained throughout the loops - hasn’t spoken to Setsu in some time.
It almost feels lonely.
Day 0 is comforting: a world line without killing. A world for humans. A celebration for being alive. It’s a reminder of what they’ve been fighting for, and Setsu basks in it. They bask in the atmosphere, of Raqio’s poorly hidden kindness, of SQ’s brightness, letting themselves take it all in while they can.
If there is a presence distinctly lacking, Setsu doesn’t comment on it.
It’s rowdy and full, and Setsu hopes that when the loops are over, they’ll be able to find one like this, where everyone is allowed to live, where everyone gets to keep their authenticity.
And then Gina comes running in, and through panicked breaths, announces that Yuri hauled themself out of the airlock, and everything comes to a halt.
(Yuri has disappeared. The parasite relishes in knowledge.)
—
Setsu shifts in their seat.
It’s been too many loops - enough to lose count - of lying, being lied to, of confusion and loss and why am I here? They keep going anyway, for Yuri. Their morals are beginning to shift, and they can feel themselves going slowly insane.
Setsu’s gotten used to it. There are times where they still “lose, “ waking in another world, their breathing shallow and heavy. They have accepted this as the silver key’s punishment.
Yuri’s become a vice, of sorts. Love feels foreign to them, but maybe it’s the right descriptor. Their confusion in their first loop, their confidence, their fear. Yuri is real to them, and it’s all that they have.
And Yuri, Yuri, Yuri. The constant within it all - their reassuring smiles and careful observation, their innocence within their earlier loops - is going to kill themself this loop. Setsu knows this, because once, in a world without Gnosia, Yuri took themself out before Setsu could do anything.
They vow to change something.
Day 0 is comforting: a world line without killing. A world for humans. A celebration for being alive. It’s a reminder of what they’ve been fighting for, and Setsu basks in it. They bask in the atmosphere, of Raqio’s poorly hidden kindness, of SQ’s brightness, letting themselves take it all in while they can.
If there is a presence distinctly lacking, Setsu doesn’t comment on it. Instead, they get out, slipping away without much trouble, and go out to look for Yuri.
Setsu looks. They peer into rooms, and their pace quickens with every failure, until they’re running. Setsu looks, and wonders if they’ll fail to save Yuri this time, if they’ll have to add another regret to their long, long list of failures.
Finally, they find Yuri.
Yuri, who is bleeding out, knife by their side as they struggle to bleed. A poor attempt at slitting their throat, where the blood keeps gushing but it’s not enough to kill, and they are looking for something and nothing at the same time and Setsu sees this and gags, as desensitized they are to blood.
Because it’s Yuri. It’s Yuri, their light, bleeding out on the ground, twitching, eyes hazy and defeated.
Yuri is trying to say Setsu’s name but nothing comes out, and Setsu is against them, desperate to stop the bleeding, to do something, and nothing works.
Yuri will die in Setsu’s arms, because that is the way of the universe, and Setsu will fail once again. It’s in their nature, to kill and be killed for each other. It’s self hatred that Setsu is familiar with. Self hatred translates to blood, all over their hands and coat-
But what else could they have done, other than cursing Yuri?
—
Setsu shifts in their seat.
There is discomfort associated with celebration. It’s turned into a dirge for Yuri’s forthcoming doom. Setsu doesn’t know how many loops it’s been since the last time, and they haven’t ever gotten the opportunity to ask.
Setsu doesn’t know what loop it’s been, but they remember Yuri. Yuri, who silently leaves behind a world. Yuri, who can’t get anything to come out because their throat is bleeding out. Yuri, who’s rendered to nothing with a deafening crunch of their bones, of a bloodied hydraulic press dirtied with remains.
They remember Yuri, their eyebags and exhaustion and the way they plunge into the darkness, the way they want to be killed.
It feels like Setsu is the one killing them. The figurative knife is in their hands, and Yuri is accepting of it, a curse born out of the foreign concept of love.
It’s unconditional love turned into mania. It’s agape in its dirtiest form. It's Setsu, it’s yuri, and it’s the parasitic relationship between them, of taking and taking for themself.
It feels wrong. For the person to have helped them so much to be unsalvageable. Yuri’s lifeless body is burned into Setsu’s retinas, and stoicism fails in the face of their crumbling anchor.
So Setsu will associate day 0 with Yuri’s death. They will try to stop it despite it being fruitless, a purgatory of sorts born out of love.
And this time, it begins with the faint smell of burning flesh, enough to get the entire group to investigate, a nervous air encompassing them the way it always has for Setsu.
They will never get used to seeing Yuri’s dead body.
It’s memorable, in all the ways Setsu wishes it wasn’t. And this time, the entry wound caused by electrocution mangled the flesh around it, tearing through Yuri’s skin.
It isn’t just Setsu that’s there to witness it. It’s collective horror, and it’s panic. Everything is moving around them but their eyes stay on Yuri, and they wonder why Yuri looks so relieved to die, if this expression was something they caused.
Their eyes stay on Yuri, as if twisting the knife deeper.
—
Sometimes, Setsu wonders if Yuri is as crazed as them.
They wonder if Yuri thinks about them the way that they think about Yuri, and they wonder if it’s veering the lines of obsession.
Something in them is twisting, and they feel guilty for their codependency, but they can’t do this without Yuri, anymore.
The knife is in their hands. The blood is on them. Yuri loops out of Setsu’s selfishness, and Yuri dies out of Setsu’s selfishness. Yuri is something that is explicitly Setsu’s, a controlled response to an uncontrollable situation.
Togetherness is something that they’ve finally gained. No matter how murky the result is, togetherness is gained with Yuri.
They are breaking, yuri is breaking, and the world responds to it, a sick cycle of hatred and love in tandem, of cursing and cursing and cursing again.
Setsu does not have to wonder if Yuri is as crazed as them. They can tell, as the dirge gets louder, that they’re one and the same.
Setsu shifts in their seat.