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1. End of Summer - 2017
With every piece of clothing Ilya put back into his suitcase, Shane’s heart shattered a little more.
He knew he was being avaricious. Ilya had extended his stay at the cottage by over a month, waiting to leave until the very last day possible before he had to be in Boston for training camp. Shane had also pushed back practically all of his sponsorship work, mostly blaming it on his injuries from the previous season - even if he’d been totally healed for weeks now. He was somewhat shocked that his mom had been totally cool about him doing so, but it felt almost like an apology of sorts. It did mean that his September would be busier than ever before, but it would be worth it. If anything, having a totally booked calendar would hopefully distract him from how much he was going to miss Ilya.
He’d gotten more of Ilya than he ever dreamed he would. They were boyfriends, which was something that Shane had previously thought impossible just weeks ago. But now, Ilya was leaving, and they wouldn’t see each other again until mid-October, and the rose-tinted bubble they’d been living in for the last few weeks was bound to pop.
Going from spending practically every second of every day together to only getting stolen moments here and there throughout the coming season was certain to give Shane whiplash. Hell, Ilya was still moving about his cottage, and Shane missed him already.
Ilya’s flight was early, which was probably for the best. It had made them get up and get out the door without having time to think much about it. As he shut the trunk after loading Ilya’s bags, he turned to see Ilya staring wistfully at the cottage. The sun was rising over the lake, refracting rays of soft morning light through its many windows, illuminating Ilya’s face in a golden glow. He was the most beautiful thing Shane had ever laid eyes on.
He walked up behind his boyfriend, pulling him against his front. Ilya eased back into him and let out a shaky breath.
“This has been the best summer of my life,” he whispered. “I do not want it to end.”
“Me either,” Shane murmured into his shoulder.
He held him like that, just for a moment, before coaxing him around.
“C’mere,” Shane said, pulling Ilya into a kiss.
It was tender, yet desperate, echoing the kiss they’d shared months ago in a hotel room in Tampa. Ilya held Shane like he was going to disappear at any moment. Shane shared the sentiment. As much as he knew they had a timeline to adhere to, he couldn’t stop kissing Ilya.
“We should go,” Ilya said, eventually, even if he sounded like it was the last thing on earth that he really wanted.
Shane nodded, their noses bumping together, ever so slightly. He pulled Ilya in for one last long, lingering kiss, knowing they wouldn’t be able to do so again at the airport.
The drive was morosely quiet, only the soft din of the radio filled the silence. Shane spent the entire ride fighting tears, hand gripping Ilya's as if he'd slip away entirely if he let go. Ilya's face - which Shane had grown accustomed to seeing so open the last few weeks - had slipped behind his stoic mask that reminded Shane of before. If Ilya hadn't been clutching back on to Shane for dear life, thumb tracing over the back of his hand, he maybe would've panicked a little.
He pulled into the very same cell phone lot of the airport where he’d picked Ilya up so that they could have a few private moments together before he left. The car remained silent as he put it in park, cutting the engine.
“So, I’ll see you in October?” Shane finally said.
It would be Shane’s new mantra for the times in between when they were able to see each other. He’d just repeat to himself over and over again the next time they’d be together.
“See you in October,” Ilya confirmed.
He knew his eyes were welling with tears. He couldn’t see Ilya’s behind his sunglasses, but he heard him sniffle.
“God, this is gonna suck so bad,” Shane groaned.
“Yes,” Ilya agreed. “But in less than a year, we will be closer, and the time apart will not be so long. It will be worth it.”
“You're right, it will be. I love you so much.”
“I love you, too. And I will text you and call you so much until we see each other again, you will get sick of me,” Ilya promised.
“I don’t think that’s possible,” Shane countered.
Ilya took a shaky breath, a single tear sliding past his sunglasses and down his cheek. Shane was just brave enough to wipe it away, his thumb lingering where it brushed Ilya’s cheek.
“Text me as soon as you land in Boston, okay?” Shane requested.
“Okay.” Another sniffle. "I love you."
"Love you," Shane parroted.
His chest tightened the moment Ilya stepped out, grabbing his bags from the trunk. Shane watched until Ilya disappeared into the sea of cars in the lot. Shane gripped the steering wheel, taking a deep breath to ground himself. It was taking all of his control and common sense not to fling himself out of the car and chase after Ilya. Instead, he reversed out of his parking spot and started his long, lonely drive home.
Shane didn’t let the tears fall until he was on the road. It probably wasn’t the safest thing in the world, driving while crying, but if he’d let himself cry at the airport carpark he may have never left. His original plan had been to drive back to Montreal the next morning, but once he was back in the cottage, his plans changed.
As soon as he stepped back inside, he realized there was no way he could stand being in the cottage without Ilya. Every time he turned a corner, he was still expecting to see Ilya there, grinning at him. Or hear him padding across the hardwood or humming in the shower. It felt so cold, so desolate without Ilya’s warm presence filling every corner. He couldn’t even imagine trying to sleep in the bed without him.
There was very little left for him to do to prepare to leave for Montreal, just a few things that needed to be done around the cottage and a bit of last-minute packing, so it wouldn’t be a big deal for him to head back that day.
Shane: Are you on the plane yet?
Ilya: We board in 10
Seeing Ilya’s name, his real name flash across his screen for the first time was a little jarring. He’d changed his contact the previous night - there had been no need to before, they hadn’t really been far enough away from each other to need to text one another. He knew he’d have to be careful with their text thread, especially around Hayden, but it didn’t feel right to keep Ilya in his phone as “Lily” anymore.
Shane: Okay. Have a safe flight.
And because he could now, he added:
Shane: Miss you already.
Ilya: Miss you too. Will text you when I land
Shane: Okay, I’m driving back later today instead of tomorrow.
Shane: I’ll text you when I’m back too.
Ilya: Everything ok?
Shane: Yeah. Just feels weird here now. Empty.
Ilya: I know the feeling
Ilya: I'll call you tonight?
Shane: Please. Doesn't matter how late, I'll pick up
Ilya: ❤️
Shane took a deep breath. It was going to be okay. They were going to make this work. It wasn't perfect, but it was certainly better than before, when he missed Ilya all while trying to suppress his feelings for him. At least now he could be open. Now, when he missed Ilya, he could just tell him instead of having to drown in the feeling alone.
If everything went to plan, Ilya would be in Ottawa in less than a year, which was practically down the road in comparison to him being in Boston. They'd have summers together. And one day, he wasn't sure when, but he knew it would come to pass, they wouldn't have to do this anymore. They'd be able to spend every day together.
Until then, he’d just have to get used to missing Ilya. Maybe, with time, it would get easier.
2. Valentine’s Day - February 2018
Ilya had never really paid much attention to Valentine’s Day.
The only commodified Western holidays he cared for were the ones that gave him an excuse to party. Halloween was always a fun time. And, after years of living in Boston, he’d grown fond of the certain debauchery that St. Patrick’s day always brought to the city.
For the first time, though, he had a boyfriend. A long-distance, secret boyfriend, but a boyfriend nonetheless. One that he loved beyond comparison. Not that he could actually spend the holiday with said boyfriend.
Shane would be ending a road trip in Minnesota on the fourteenth, and Ilya had a game in D.C. two days after, so it wasn’t like they could make a quick trip happen, either. They hadn’t even really discussed it, there was no point in doing so. February was a busy month, they each had three games a week. Still, even if Shane didn’t seem like a huge Valentine’s guy, Ilya still wanted to do something to let him know he was at least thinking of him.
He didn't think chocolate fit into Shane's macrobiotic diet, so instead he ordered one of those fruit arrangements - and specifically the one without chocolate strawberries because he knew they would go to waste - to be delivered once Shane was back from his road trip in a few days. He double-checked Shane's daily schedule a million times to make sure he'd be home for the delivery itself. It wasn’t much, but he hoped Shane would appreciate it.
Ilya had yet to hear from him that day, which was understandable. He’d had a morning flight followed by an early afternoon practice. He wasn’t too worried, they typically found time most days to talk on the phone, even if it was just for a few minutes. It was a day off for Ilya, though, which meant he was bored.
Sometime a little after lunch, Ilya’s doorbell rang, surprising him. On the other side was a delivery person, holding a huge bouquet - already in a vase - and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Ilya did his best to keep his composure as he signed for it, thanking the delivery person. Upon further inspection of the flowers as he set them on his kitchen island, Ilya was overcome with a wave of fervent sentimentality.
The bouquet was a mix of light pink and red roses, peppered with other greenery, but the star of the show was the huge white lilies that dominated the arrangement. Maybe it was a little silly to get worked up over something as simple as being sent flowers, but outside of the deaths in his family, he’d never been gifted them personally before.
He plucked the card from the stake in the center of the bouquet, the letters a little blurry as he read:
Ilya,
Happy Valentine's Day. I wish I could be with you today. Love you and see you soon.
Yours, always,
- S
Ilya clutched the card to his chest, breathing deep as he tried to wrangle his emotions. Fuck, he loved Shane so much. And he missed him like hell.
He immediately snapped a photo of the flowers and chocolate on his counter, sending it to Shane. Hardly a moment later, right as he was about to pop a truffle in his mouth, his phone rang with Shane’s designated ringtone.
"Hi," Shane said breathlessly.
"Hi," Ilya repeated.
"You got the flowers."
"I did," Ilya confirmed. "They are very beautiful, Shane. Thank you."
“Okay, good. I wasn't sure if it was too much,” Shane admitted. “I don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to… any of this. I asked my dad and he said you could never go wrong with flowers."
“Your dad was right. If it makes you feel better, this is all still new to me, too,” Ilya reminded him.
“I know. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you,” Shane said, then paused as if considering something. “Are the lilies too on the nose?”
Ilya laughed. “No. They are perfect.”
“I’m glad you like them.”
"No one has sent me flowers before," Ilya admitted. "So this is nice. Every first I have with you is nice, even when we are not together."
“Ilya Rozanov, the romantic,” Shane teased softly.
“It is my deepest secret. Do not tell anyone.”
“I wouldn't dare,” Shane promised. “I know Valentine's is basically a made-up, commercialized holiday, but I've never had anyone to spend it with before so I never really cared until now.”
“Same for me,” Ilya said. “Is a bummer we can't spend our first as a couple together, but there will be plenty more, yes?”
“Yeah, there will be,” Shane agreed, voice thick. “Still wish I was there with you now, though.”
“Me too. I always wish you were here with me,” Ilya admitted quietly.
Shane sighed wistfully, then cleared his throat.“I, uh. I have a room to myself. If you wanted to video call tonight after my game.”
Ilya gasped in faux astonishment. “Hollander. Are you propositioning me with phone sex?"
“Not if you're gonna be an asshole about it,” Shane said.
“No, no, I take it back!” Ilya said quickly.
Shane laughed. “Fine. I’ll text you later when I’m back at the hotel.”
“And I will be here eagerly waiting,” Ilya said.
“Every goal I score tonight will be for you,” Shane said.
“Oooh, romantic,” Ilya cooed.
“No, it's just so I can catch up in the scoring race,” Shane countered.
Ilya burst into laughter. “Keep dreaming, Hollander. And good luck tonight. Call me later when you are back in the hotel.”
“I will. Love you,” Shane said.
“Love you, too. Bye.”
After they hung up, Ilya took the box of chocolates with him to watch TV on the couch. He felt like the heroine of some American rom-com as he lay there, eating bonbons while thinking forlornly of his faraway lover.
He loved Boston. He loved his team. But his love for them paled easily in comparison to how much he loved Shane. He would miss both when he left, but he missed Shane more, to a point where it was a constant, daily ache. Boston had never truly felt like home to him in the first place, even if he had a lot of fond memories here. Moscow hadn’t felt like home since his mother died. He’d realized, very quickly, over the past summer, that home to Ilya now just meant wherever Shane was. In the long stretches between when they could see each other, Ilya felt homesick in a way he hadn’t known was possible.
It had been almost a month since he’d seen Shane in person, at the All-Star game in January. Even if they’d spoken literally every day since, he wouldn’t see him again until they played each other in March. The distance was really fucking hard, and it only continued to worsen the longer they were together, and the deeper Ilya fell.
He kept reminding himself that they just had to make it through this season, and they'd be driving distance apart. Ottawa was still not nearly as close as he'd like to be to Shane, but they'd be able to see each other way more. When he felt overwhelmed, he would compare Ottawa and Montreal’s schedules, cataloging all the time they’d be able to spend together during the season next year. Moving to Ottawa wouldn't totally quell the ache he'd felt since the day he left Shane's cottage, maybe nothing would until they were at a point where they could live in the same city, but it would at least ease it a bit.
At the very least, things were markedly better than they’d been a year ago. Back when he’d been in love with Shane, but convinced they had no future together. Now, Shane was his boyfriend, and they had a plan. It was more than he’d ever thought was possible. Even if it wasn’t always perfect, he knew it would be worth it. Being with Shane was worth it.
Two days later, while he was getting ready for his flight to D.C., a message came through from Shane. It was a picture of a very boring (in Ilya’s opinion) looking omelet - egg white with veggies and not a single suggestion of cheese - but next to it on the plate was an assortment of fruit.
Ilya smiled to himself and spent the rest of the morning daydreaming about the day when they’d be able to share breakfast together every morning.
3. All-Star Game - January 2019
Unlike a lot of other players, who typically didn’t really care, Shane had always looked forward to the All-Star Weekend. Partially, since he did enjoy the events, mostly because he was good at a lot of them. It was also because, before he and Ilya had become official, it was just another excuse to see and hook up with him. Now, it just meant he had a few extra days with his boyfriend in the middle of the season.
They’d announced the Irina Foundation just a few months ago, which meant this year he and Ilya could actually be friendly with each other and hang out in public without it being a huge deal. Except Ilya wasn’t at the All-Star Weekend this year, so Shane was immensely bored.
Things had been a lot better since Ilya had moved to Ottawa. He honestly wasn’t sure how he’d survived their first year together with Ilya all the way in Boston. They’d only been able to see each other a few times in person during the season, and the time in between had been agony. So, maybe he’d gotten spoiled, being an easy drive’s distance from his boyfriend. Now that he was accustomed to spending more time with Ilya, it only made him miss him more when they were apart.
He understood why Ilya had chosen to skip the weekend. Attending Duncan Harvey’s funeral was understandably important to him. Even if Ilya hadn’t known him personally, Harvey had taken his own life, and it had really struck a chord with Ilya. Shane highly respected Ilya’s choice to attend.
One of Harvey’s Chicago teammates, his captain at that, was at the games this weekend. The way he was acting was not, in Shane’s opinion, indicative of someone who’d just lost a teammate. It irritated Shane more than it probably should have. Someone on his team had died, and he’d chosen to go to the stupid All-Star Game instead of his funeral.
Shane tried not to glare at him from where he sat with some of his Eastern Conference teammates. He’d spent most of the night at the hotel bar, just chatting and catching up with a select few of them. Across the room, Dallas Kent’s obnoxious laughter grated against Shane’s ears, which did make him glare.
“God, that guy sucks,” Carter Vaughan muttered.
“Carter, enough,” Scott chided.
“What? He totally does. He ruins the vibe,” Carter said.
“He’s not wrong,” Wyatt Hayes defended.
Hayes was the Centaur’s new goalie, but he’d previously played with Kent in Toronto, so he probably knew better than anyone else. Wyatt had been traded literally just weeks ago, but from what Ilya had told Shane, he was a nice guy and a great addition to the team.
“See! I’ll take Rozanov over him any day. At least Rozy’s fun. Honestly, it’s kind of boring without him here this year,” Carter said, then threw a quick look to Shane. “Don’t tell him I said that.”
“Why are you looking at me?” Shane asked, doing his best to act casual.
“You guys are buds now, right? I mean, you started a whole charity together,” Carter said.
“Where is he anyway? I know he was chosen to be here,” Scott asked.
“He went to Duncan Harvey’s funeral,” Hayes replied solemnly, saving Shane from having to answer. Even if they were just friends, he wasn’t sure if that was information he should technically be privy to.
“Oh shit,” Carter whispered. “That was today?”
Shane zoned out as the conversation around him continued. He’d hit his social wall a bit ago and was just waiting for an appropriate time to retreat to his room. As the conversation drifted away from the topic of the funeral, Shane’s phone buzzed in his pocket.
As if summoned by the conversation surrounding him, it was a text from Ilya, letting Shane know he’d made it back to Ottawa. Shane made an excuse to the others and quickly escaped to his hotel room. Once he was behind closed doors, he let Ilya know to call him whenever he was ready. Shane had barely taken his shoes off when the call came through.
“Hey. How’d it go?” He asked, putting Ilya on speaker so he could change out of the clothes he’d worn to the bar.
“It was okay,” Ilya said. “Not as many people there as I would have thought. Hardly anyone from the NHL.”
“Yeah, his fucking captain is here instead of at the funeral. How fucked is that?”
“Very fucked,” Ilya agreed. “Some coaches were there, but none of his teammates.”
“I expected better from Clarke, honestly,” Shane said. “Like it’s a stupid All-Star game. He was his captain, and he's here laughing and drinking like an asshole.”
“Many such cases in the NHL,” Ilya sighed.
“Speaking of which, Dallas Kent is here, too. He’s been a mega douche all night," Shane said as he pulled on a fresh t-shirt and a soft pair of shorts, mostly to change the subject. He knew how much Ilya disliked Kent.
“Mega douche, huh?” Ilya asked. Shane could hear the smile in his voice.
“Am I wrong? Like, I know he's the new, young hotshot, but even you were never close to being this bad when we were younger,” Shane said.
“Wow. High praise from Shane Hollander himself.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do,” Ilya agreed, then chuckled. “Last time we played Toronto, I called him a goblin. He did not like that.”
Shane burst into surprised laughter as he settled on top of the bed, easing back into the downy pillows. God, Ilya was so effortlessly funny. "Wait, seriously?"
"Yes. He told me to eat his nuts. I told him no, thank you," Ilya said. "One, he is gross. Two, there is only one person's nuts I want in my mouth."
“You are gross,” Shane said, but he was laughing even harder now. He took Ilya off speaker, holding the phone back up to his ear. It made it feel like Ilya was closer, this way.
“Mmm, that's not what you said the last time I had your balls in my mouth.”
“Oh my god, enough about my balls,” Shane said, face heating. “How are you doing? After today?"
“Okay, I think,” Ilya replied. “Even if I am sad on Harvey's behalf that more people did not show up.
“That’s understandable. I’m glad you went.”
“Me too,” Ilya said quietly. “Ryan Price was there, too.”
“Really?” Shane asked.
“Mmhm,” Ilya confirmed. “I think he may retire soon. I asked if he wanted to coach with us this summer. He is nice guy. Not so scary off the ice. He used to volunteer with Wyatt at some community center in Toronto.”
“Oh, nice call!”
“I think he will be good with the kids. And he is gay, too, so he will fit right in.”
Shane chuckled. Ilya’s side of the line went quiet for a little. Shane didn’t want to push, but he did want to check in with Ilya. He was sure it hadn’t been an easy day for him.
“You sure you’re doing okay?” He inquired. “I know it couldn’t have been easy.”
“I am okay. Thank you for asking,” Ilya murmured.
“I think it's a very honorable thing for you to do,” Shane remarked.
“Honorable?”
“Yeah. The fact that some of his teammates didn't go but you did just shows a lot about who you are as a person,” Shane explained.
“Careful, Hollander. You might make me blush with all this sweet talk,” Ilya teased, though his voice was thick.
“Just saying. You’d better be careful, or one day, other people are going to put the pieces together and realize just how much you actually care. Maybe they'll all start to see you like I do.”
“No one sees me like you do,” Ilya whispered.
Shane's breath caught. It still put him off guard a bit when Ilya said such heartbreakingly romantic things like that. He had a tendency to throw them into conversation so casually, and always said them like they were irrefutable facts. Right now, with Ilya a thousand miles away, hearing it made Shane’s chest ache.
“While I am glad you did that, because I know it's an important cause for you, I really wish you were here,” Shane said wistfully. “All-Star weekend is so boring without you.”
"Awwww, you miss me?"
"Always, yeah," Shane admitted.
"Miss you too," Ilya sighed. "Miss your balls in my mouth more."
“Will you stop it with that?” Shane groaned. “If you're trying to get me hot and bothered, it's not working."
"You sure of that?" Ilya asked suggestively.
Okay, maybe Shane was a little turned on. But he wasn't going to tell Ilya that. Ilya took his silence as confirmation and started laughing.
"Asshole," Shane muttered, even as he palmed himself through his briefs.
Ilya only laughed harder on the other end, and Shane put him back on speaker, placing his phone on the bed.
"Are you sure you're feeling up to this?" Shane asked.
“Shane, this is not the first time we have had phone sex shortly after a funeral. Is practically tradition."
"Jesus, you are something else."
"I could use the distraction," Ilya said, sounding more earnest this time.
"Okay, fine. Take your pants off.”
He could hear Ilya unzipping his fly on the other end, he’d clearly also put Shane on speaker. “I thought you’d never ask. Now hang up and video call me back. I want to see that pretty face.”
Shane rolled his eyes, but obliged.
4. New Year’s Eve - December 2019
Everyone around him was chanting, counting down to the New Year. Ilya was pleasantly buzzed, the bar had a shockingly great selection of vodka, and as happy as he was to be surrounded by his teammates, there was still one thing missing.
They’d won their game that night against Carolina, so the entire team was in good spirits. The dive bar they were currently in was located just across the street from their hotel, so it seemed the most viable option to celebrate at. The locals either didn’t know or didn’t care that their usual haunt was full of professional athletes. The bartenders had seemed wary at first, but warmed up once they realized what good tippers the Centaurs were.
One of the TVs above the bar was playing the New Year’s coverage from New York. The other had been playing a string of random action movies all night. He focused on the monitor showing Times Square, joining in on the chanting for the last ten seconds. The bar erupted into cheers as the clock struck midnight, everyone wishing each other a Happy New Year.
He was surprised when he felt his phone vibrate, even more so when he saw it was a text from Shane. Ilya had expected him to be long asleep, even if they were in the same time zone, midnight was far past Shane’s usual bedtime.
He used the chaos to his advantage, slipping through the crowd and outside to the designated smoking area. It was thankfully empty, probably in equal parts due to the cold and the fact that everyone was inside for the ball drop. Opening his message log with Shane back up, he pressed the call icon in the corner.
“Happy New Year,” Shane greeted.
“Happy New Year to you, too,” Ilya replied. “I am surprised you are awake. Are you still at Hayden’s or back home?”
“I’m home. We watched that kids’ broadcast that does a ball drop at 9 pm, so I left shortly after that so he and Jackie could put the kids to bed.”
“Ah, a 9 pm celebration is perfect for your sleep schedule as well,” Ilya teased.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m an old geezer who goes to bed early. I’ve heard it all before,” Shane said.
“Well, at least you are self-aware.”
Shane chuckled. “Congrats on the game. Your goal in the second period was incredible, by the way.”
“Thank you. Maybe is a good omen for the rest of the season,” Ilya said, even if he didn’t fully believe it himself.
“What are you guys up to now?” Shane inquired.
“At some dive bar near the hotel. Raleigh is strange, the stadium is nearly in the suburbs, so the bar is in a strip mall,” Ilya said. “But, they have good vodka here and our curfew is 1 am because of the holiday, so I can’t complain.”
“Sounds like you guys are having a fun night.”
“We are. You have morning practice tomorrow?” Ilya asked, like he didn’t already know the answer. He’d practically memorized Shane’s schedule.
“Yes,” Shane said, which he followed up with a yawn.
“You should sleep, is far past your bedtime. I am shocked you are still up.”
“I wanted to tell you Happy New Year,” Shane said. “It's the first time we've been in the same time zone for the holiday.”
“It is,” Ilya agreed.
The last two years, they’d been on totally opposite sides of the continent for the holiday. The NHL loved scheduling games for both the eve and the day. Maybe one of these years, things would work out, and they’d both have home games or something and be able to actually spend the eve together. New Year’s was one of the biggest holidays in Russia, and was often even celebrated twice in observance of both the Julian and Orthodox calendars. It was a bigger deal than even Christmas to most. Even if Ilya wasn’t a huge holiday person, he’d like to be able to share it with Shane at some point in their relationship.
“You know, one of these days, I’d really like to be able to kiss you at midnight,” Shane murmured, mirroring Ilya’s thoughts.
“Would you?”
“I mean, duh,” Shane said. “It’s stupid that we have games practically every year. Then again, I guess that’s the cost of being a pro athlete. At least we get Christmas off, unlike the NFL.”
“It could be worse,” Ilya agreed.
“You guys get back from your road trip at the end of the week, right?” Shane asked.
“Yes. And we will have a couple of days of overlap before you leave for yours,” Ilya said.
“Trust me, it’s already in my calendar. We can make it up to each other for not being able to kiss tonight.”
“I like the sound of that,” Ilya murmured.
There was another, longer yawn from Shane’s end.
“You should sleep,” Ilya said.
“Yeah.”
“And I should go back inside,” Ilya continued, even though he’d happily stay out there all night, freezing his ass off it it meant he could hear Shane’s voice.
“Okay,” Shane said.
They said their “good-byes” and “I love you’s” and as soon as Ilya hung up the phone, the familiar ache lodged back into his chest. He made his way back inside, joining his rowdy teammates near the bar.
“Where’d you sneak off to, Rozy?” Wyatt asked.
“Just outside to have a smoke,” Ilya lied.
He didn’t even have a pack on him, and he certainly didn’t carry the telltale aroma of someone who’d just had a cigarette, but if Wyatt saw through his lie, he didn’t call him out on it.
“All good?” He asked instead.
It wasn’t, not really. The strain of being apart from Shane for so long was starting to weigh heavily on him. Things had gotten better for a while, when he’d first moved to Ottawa. Going from seeing each other a few times a year to being able to spend multiple days together every month felt like coming up for air after a deep dive. But now, it was almost like the more time he spent with Shane, the more he wanted to be around him. And every moment he was with him, he was bracing for the inevitability of the emptiness that came from being without him.
It was something he’d just have to continue to endure, probably until one or both of them retired. And it was better than the alternative, which was Shane not being in his life at all.
Instead of lying to him again, Ilya just clapped Wyatt on the shoulder. “One more round on me before last call, hm?”
Wyatt agreed and didn’t push further, even if he did watch Ilya carefully with a discerning gaze the rest of the evening.
5. Shane’s 29th Birthday - May 2020
Having a birthday in May as a hockey player was always a coin toss for Shane. If they were kicked out of the playoffs early enough, he was home or at his cottage for his birthday. When the Voyageurs were still in contention, if he was lucky, his birthday would fall on an off-day. Not that he was able to do much thanks to the back-and-forth travel and overall exhaustion that came with the playoffs, but it was still better than being on game day.
Sometimes, if he was very unlucky, his birthday would fall on an away game, which was currently the case for Shane. He’d never made a big deals of his birthday, and honestly, the closer he got to 30, the less he felt like celebrating. Still, he’d much rather be spending his night having a quiet dinner with Ilya, followed by incredible birthday sex, than stuck in a hotel room in Toronto.
Speaking of which, he had a new, unread text from said boyfriend. Ilya had already wished him a happy birthday that morning, so Shane was extra curious as he opened their thread.
Ilya: I snuck your birthday gift into your suitcase.
Shane: It’s not anything weird is it?
Ilya: Just a silicone mold of my dick since you have missed it so much during playoffs
Shane: Fuck off
Shane: Wait is it really?
Ilya: No I have more class than that
Ilya: But if you want one I’m sure we can arrange that
Shane: Shut up.
Ilya: That wasn’t a no
Shane: Want me to call you before I open it?
Ilya: If you have the time
Shane: Only like 15 mins if you can spare it.
Ilya: Yes. Always for you
Shane opened his suitcase, digging through it until he found a simply wrapped package. It was decently heavy, but didn’t make a noise when he shook it. He took it with him as he sat at the desk in the room, propping his phone up so that both he and the package were in frame as he video-called Ilya.
Shane’s heart fluttered as his boyfriend’s handsome, smiling face took over his screen.
“Happy birthday, sweetheart,” Ilya said, the pet name making Shane’s stomach flip.
“Thank you. What are you up to?”
“Just hanging at your parents’ house,” Ilya said with a grin. “We are going to eat dinner later, then watch your game.”
At this point, Ilya spent more time with his parents than Shane did. It didn’t bother him in the slightest, in fact, he really, really loved it. There had been a time when simply introducing Ilya to his parents had felt like a fantasy. Now he was practically like a second son to them.
“Hi, honey!” His mom’s voice called from somewhere behind Ilya.
“Hey mom,” Shane replied. He’d already spoken to his parents a little earlier when they called him to wish him a happy birthday. “So can I open this mystery gift of yours now?”
“Be my guest.”
Shane pulled carefully at the wrapping, making sure the paper tore cleanly. He flicked his gaze up to his phone screen to see Ilya watching him, amused. As he uncovered his present, a book it seemed, he let out a delighted gasp when he saw the familiar title.
“This is that new book I was telling you about!” Shane said, excitedly. “The one about the history of hockey in the Olympics.”
“Yes, sounds incredibly boring, so I am sure it’s right up your alley,” Ilya teased.
“I couldn’t find it in any of the big-name stores in Montreal,” Shane said.
“I know. I had to get it special-ordered to the bookstore here,” Ilya explained.
Shane’s eyes welled with tears.
“This was really thoughtful, Ilya,” he murmured. “Thank you.”
“You are welcome,” Ilya replied softly, eyes fond. “I wish I were there with you today. We can celebrate for real at the cottage after the playoffs are over.”
“I was looking at the playoff schedule. If we make it to the finals and win by game five or even six, I can be home just in time for your birthday.”
“Hmm, winning the series by game five is ambitious,” Ilya said, raising his brows skeptically.
“Ambitious, but not impossible,” Shane replied.
“If you are home before my birthday, we can do a double celebration,” Ilya said.
“You don't want something all for yourself?” Shane asked.
“No, anything we can do together makes me happy.”
Shane closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, overwhelmed as he sometimes was, by Ilya’s sheer devotion.
“One day we'll be able to do everything together. No more holidays or birthdays apart. I know it's probably long off, but it's something i focus on when we have to be apart for another important day.”`
Ilya’s face was impossibly tender as he replied. “Yes, one day. That sounds nice.”
Shane checked the time and sighed. “I gotta go. But I love you, and I’ll see you tomorrow when I get back?”
“Yes,” Ilya confirmed. “Love you, too. Win the cup so that it’s worth it, hmm?”
+1. September 2021
In a rare feat, Ilya woke before Shane did. The morning sun was just starting to filter through the bedroom’s curtains, casting the room in a soft glow. Ilya stretched his arms, careful not to jostle the bed too much, so he could take a moment to just watch Shane as he slept.
He was facing Ilya, lashes grazing the tips of his freckled cheeks, full lips parted. Shane was so breathtaking that it still knocked Ilya on his ass sometimes. Even more so when he remembered that Shane was his husband now. It had barely been two months since their official wedding, so it was still a novelty to Ilya.
He peeked at the alarm clock on the bedside table. He only had a minute or two before Shane’s phone alarm went off, he’d have to look his fill while he could. Resisting the urge to trace his thumb over Shane’s freckles, Ilya settled for roving his eyes over Shane’s face.
His heart felt buoyant in his chest. Today was the start of the Centaur’s training camp, and for the first time in their entire relationship, they would be spending the entirety of their workday together. They would eat breakfast together, drive to practice together, and drive home together. They probably wouldn’t be apart for more than a few minutes at a time today.
It all felt a little unreal. It was still sinking in for Ilya that this was his life now. That, after years of missing Shane being such a deeply entrenched part of his daily life, he didn’t have to anymore.
The alarm went off, jarring Ilya from his musings, but it meant he got to watch as his husband woke, blinking adorably against the morning sunlight.
“Morning,” Shane said, voice still hoarse with sleep.
“Good morning,” Ilya replied, unable to contain his grin.
“What’s got you all smiley so early?”
“Mmm, nothing. I just think it will be a very good day,” Ilya said.
Shane laughed, and Ilya pulled him close under the covers, planting a wet kiss on his cheek.
“C’mon, let’s get up, we have a busy morning,” Shane said.
Ilya sighed dramatically, but followed him to the bathroom. He couldn’t resist the urge to give Shane a playful slap on the ass when he took his place next to him at their double vanity to brush his teeth.
Once dressed, he took Anya on a quick run to try to wear her out a bit, since it would likely be a long day. When he got back, Shane handed him a mug of coffee, and they got started on breakfast. They took Shane’s car, preloaded the night before with their gear, and held hands the entire drive.
Walking into the practice facility together felt like walking into a dream. Shane blushed profusely as Coach Weibe introduced him to the team while listing off his many accomplishments. Not that he really needed any introduction. Most of the players who hadn’t spent time with Shane already were still a little starstruck, and Ilya couldn’t blame them. Even so, it was clear Shane would fit into the team easily.
Ilya didn’t want to jump the gun, it was only the first day of practice after all, but if they played like they had at the end of their last season, with the addition of Shane to their lineup, he had a feeling they were going to be strong contenders for the Cup this year. Montreal had fucked up beyond belief when they’d let Shane go. And, frankly, the rest of the league should be worried, too. The two of them on the same team would be unstoppable.
After they got home later that day, they took Anya on a long sunset walk before making a simple, healthy dinner together. Nothing too extreme, like before, but it was officially the hockey season again, so Shane was being a little more thoughtful with his food than he’d been over the summer. Ilya had been pleasantly shocked the first time Shane had gone for a second helping of paella while they’d been in Ibiza on their honeymoon. But it seemed they were back to chicken and veggies, though they had made some roasted potatoes as a side, which was a big step for Shane.
As they ate dinner, he couldn’t help but stare at Shane. The gnawing, aching thing in his chest that settled in the day he’d left the cottage all those years ago had finally been silenced for good. It didn’t mean life was perfect. Ilya saw Galina semi-regularly and was still getting used to his antidepressants, but Ilya had never needed perfect.
All he’d ever wanted was love, security, and belonging. To be understood. He had that now, and more. He had a family - both in the Hollanders and in his team - that he’d made on his own. He had a life partner who gave just as much as he received from Ilya. Who loved Ilya unconditionally, even on the hard days. That was all he’d ever needed.
Finally feeling the heat of Ilya’s stare, Shane glanced up from his dinner, looking at Ilya curiously.
“What?”
“Nothing. Just thinking about how this is our life now,” Ilya said. “We get to spend pretty much every day together.”
“You don't think we'll get sick of each other?”
“No,” Ilya said confidently. “I think we have spent so much of our relationship apart, missing each other, we will never be sick of each other.”
Shane's cheeks went pink, and he ducked his head with a smile.
"I agree," Shane said, meeting Ilya’s gaze with tender eyes. "I think I could spend every second of every day with you, and it still wouldn't be enough."
“Wow, we are disgusting,” Ilya said.
“We’re not disgusting, we're newlyweds in love,” Shane teased.
“We are,” Ilya agreed seriously.
“Yeah,” Shane said softly. “We are.”
They ate the rest of their dinner in companionable silence, then got to work cleaning the kitchen together. Ilya had just finished loading the dishwasher when a thought occurred to him.
“I think we will annoy the shit out of everyone else around us, with how disgusting we will be,” Ilya said, even as the thought made him smile.
Now that he and Shane could be fully out and open, Ilya planned to be obnoxious beyond belief about it. After years of having to tamp down his adoration for Shane, of hiding who they were to each other, he was never going to shut the fuck up about how much they loved each other.
Shane laughed. “I think we deserve to.”
“Mmm. I agree. I feel bad for whoever has to room next to us on road trips,” Ilya said salaciously. “Maybe we invest in noise-cancelling headphones for the whole team.”
“Stop,” Shane said, but he was blushing as he held back a laugh.
“Am I wrong?” Ilya asked, feigning innocence. “I know how you get when you win. And we will be winning a lot this season.”
Ilya watched as Shane considered that, flush spreading to his ears, eyes unfocusing.
“See!” Ilya said. “You are getting horny just thinking about it!”
“Am not,” Shane countered, but when he was focused back on Ilya again, he had that familiar spark in his eyes that Ilya knew only meant one thing. Shane’s lips curled into a challenging smile, and Ilya’s heartbeat picked up.
“Race you upstairs?” He asked.
“You’re on.”