Work Text:
You were always jealous of me, Felix.
You always seemed to be upset with me, merely for being more successful.
You acted like it was my fault.
Merely for naturally doing better than you.
You despise me, and for what?
All I want is for you to be my brother.
Guide me through the world.
You act like I did something wrong, like I hurt you, when all I want is for you to care for me in the way our father does not.
You should know I envy you.
You are able to do things I cannot. Feel things I cannot.
Yes, professionally I am "more successful", as you are all-too aware of, but socially? Emotionally? Mentally?
I am lost.
I need you to help me, Felix.
I am sorry if my fast progression through the world of physics and engineering makes you feel less-than, but I am more than willing to help you, but only if you help me.
You think I like being lonely?
You are my brother.
Help me, Felix. I love you.
I'm sorry.
---
I finish getting my thoughts together. That is what I will say to you. I hope it does not sound repetitive, or cold, or emotionless. I hope it is deep. Feeling. But unfortunately, I know you will not see it that way. I will stumble over my words. Embarrass myself.
Anger you more.
Drive you further away from me.
I reach out my frail hand to your face.
You stare at me, blankly.
Like normal, I cannot read your expression. I never can with ease, but you feel particularly unreadable today.
Your eyes narrow.
Are you upset? Sad? Contemplative?
I cannot tell.
Is there even a difference between those feelings?
You need to help me.
"There are many, many things I know, that I know that you will never understand."
Your face remains unreadable.
Your mouth tilts to a slight angle.
"Where are you going with this, Paul? I am tired of you always flaunting your superior intellect. It hurts, you know."
Your eyes are darker. You're angry, perhaps. Hurt?
"Felix, let me finish speaking."
You nod, begrudgingly at best, mockingly at worst. You do not care about what I have to say.
"There are many things that you know, too. That I will never understand. I would like you to help me. Be my brother and my friend."
You start to turn away.
I clear my throat, I suppose it is time for my speech.
"Like what? What do YOU possibly not know that I do..?"
You're hurt. I know that for certain now.
"I prepared a speech for you. Please just listen."
You sneer at me.
I can't do this. I'm too nervous. I feel too guilty, and for what?
I open my mouth, but am unable to speak.
"I'm sorry..."
You turn back to me.
Your hand is on my shoulder.
You care, I think.
"I'm sorry I don't understand you."
I'm sorry.