Work Text:
Dana kept things pretty private after her divorce. She didn’t want her choices to haunt her like her marriage did. So when sweet, beautiful, doe-eyed Emma tumbled into her bed, she didn’t mention it to anyone. Apart from occasional lingering touches or nod of her head, she let Emma run free in the Pitt, away from her. After all, Emma had learnt everything from Dana.
The hard part was having to pretend to care less than she did.
Emma was taking blood from a patient by herself. She felt giddy with excitement at finally being trusted enough to do things alone. Yet deep down, she knew that she would probably run straight to Dana afterwards to tell her all about it. The small whisper of “That’s great sweetheart”, and gentle hand on her back would give Emma enough energy to get through the next couple hours. Then when they went home together, Emma could whine and beg all she wants for more delicious praise as Dana takes care of her needs.
“Do you even know what you’re doing?”. Emma’s head snaps up. Right, the patient.
“Of course sir, I have had all my training”, Emma tells the man. He lets out a quick huff as Emma leans over his arm trying to find a suitable vein. As she inserts the needle, the man flinches away harshly, shouting, “GET THAT THING THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME”. Well shit. Emma stands up moving subtly towards the door trying to explain how they need blood to help the man. He refuses, standing up as well, his mouth moving but no words coming out. Emma’s hands go out, “Sir please sit down, I’m here to help. Maybe I can get you some hula-hoops".
Dana’s head whips around, her eyes trying to zone in on where that cursed word came from. She shakes her head, clapping her hands together as she runs in the direction of her girl’s terrified voice.
Time seems to slow down as the full-length window next to the door smashes, Emma’s body falling through it. Her head hits the floor with a sickening thud, her neck bending in an almost beautiful way that Dana might have appreciated if she wasn’t too busy running to Emma’s side. She drops to her knees, cradling Emma’s head in her hands. “Wow kid, some a-hole did a number on you”, Dana scoffs, her fingers combing through Emma’s hair to check for cuts. Emma lets out a tiny hum, her eyes closing as she lets her head roll into Dana’s hands. It was the same tiny movement she did after Dana had taken her sweet time letting Emma get what she wanted in bed. “Not now darlin’,” Dana whispered, ever so softly, “keep those beauties open for me”. Emma opens her eyes, slowly and then winces at the bright hospital lights and tries to close them again but doesn’t at Dana’s head shake. “I know it hurts sugar, but you gotta stay with us”, Dana whispered as she turned Emma to her side, leading to the younger girl letting out a distressed whimper as she is lifted onto a bed.
Emma was more stressed than anything. She had enough knowledge to know her injuries weren’t serious but that didn’t take away the anxiety of all those faces on her, hands touching her hair, her skin. She just wanted Dana’s hands on her, Dana’s warmth surrounding her. She wanted to be held so she could cry and sob about how terrified she was. The flush of saline on her head and arm broke Emma from her overthinking spew. “Did I get glass on me?”, Emma asks, her eyes naturally being drawn to Dana for the answer.
“You’re okay kid, just need to make sure nothin’ makes home in there” Dana reassures Emma, turning her head towards her in a way that makes Emma forget about the surrounding ED. Dana stands behind Emma’s head watching everything that they do to her. Her mind races.... she was too late. On the first day Emma had worked here, Dana had told her if she said the safe word, they would all come. And yet no one got there in time, Dana didn’t get there in time. She had failed the one person in this forsaken department she cared most about. Dana’s hand drifted to Emma’s shoulder in a small comforting touch; a reassurance of her presence. She waited for the doctors and nurses to leave before drawing the curtain and sitting on the bed alongside Emma. She wrapped her arms around the smaller one’s body whispering into her neck, “You sure you’re okay sweet pea?”. Emma gave her a small nod without moving too far away from Dana’s shoulder.
Dana allowed herself two sweet minutes holding onto her girl before she had to whisk herself back into the chaos. She decided the best way to cope was to stay as busy as possible, which wasn’t that hard here. If she thought about it too much, she would get into her head about how she failed.
An hour after the incident, Dana was looking through various test results when she spotted a familiar doe-eyed girl walking around.
“Sweet baby Jesus, are you trying to give me a heart attack Miss Emma?” Dana hisses at the younger nurse. In the space of a second, Emma contemplates making a run to the nearest patient room with some excuse. However, a single glare from Dana makes her fold, not surprising. Emma’s weak for Dana; she knows that and wouldn’t change it for the world. So, she is forced to do the walk of shame over to her superior.
“I’m okay-”
“Like hell you are missy, you just went through a window” Dana snaps back, not unkind, just that familiar commanding tone that almost made Emma drop to her knees. Dana leans close to Emma and says strongly, “You better take yourself to the breakroom for the rest of shift before I drag you there myself”. Emma pitifully nods, her mind not even computing the dragging comment as she feels tears sting her eyes all over again. She makes a break to the lockers before Dana could even begin to call her back.
She should have sent Emma home.
Though she was aware that some part of her would rather keep Emma here where she could watch her. As opposed to not knowing what state Emma could be in whilst alone. Dana doesn’t know why she was so worried, she thought the Pitt had hardened her fully. But never underestimate the power of a doe eyed cutie.
The end of shift couldn’t have come quicker for Dana. Her eyes kept darting to the breakroom, wanting to catch even the smallest sight of Emma, just to check she wasn’t gone or worse. She grabs her things before marching into the breakroom.
“You’re coming home with me”
“But I-”
“Not a choice honey” Dana cuts in before turning to leave, expecting Emma to follow. Which she does, of course. Dana doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t trust herself to say anything as she opens the door to let Emma into her car.
The drive to her house isn’t a long one but still was just as awkward. Dana could feel Emma’s nervous energy radiating off her, even worse than usual. Emma was staring out of the window so Dana couldn’t even get a good look at her. She wondered what Emma was thinking about, whether it was something she could fix. The one thing the Pitt had yet to take away from her; needing to fix everything, needing to make sure no one else feels what she felt, what she feels. Though maybe Emma was, maybe she was feeling all of the same fear and worry that Dana felt in the night after her own assault. Will Emma become the same cold nurse that she now is? Snapping and fighting back at the smallest signs of aggression? No, Emma couldn’t spend the long carer she has left in fear, constantly thinking about worst case scenarios with every patient, taking the humanity out of the job that needs so much of it.
Her inner monologue was disturbed when she was forced to pull up at her house and face reality. Dana parks up her car and turns to Emma saying in the softest tone she could muster in the prospect of emotional turmoil, “Come on baby girl, I’m gonna look after you”. Emma doesn’t respond, not ideal but expected, and leaves the car without waiting for Dana. Dana sighs and follows her, her fists clenching at her sides as she makes a mental list of everything she wants Emma to succeed at before going to bed.
Dana opened her door, took her shoes off and started putting her things away without saying anything to Emma, maybe she knew what she needed, what she had to do to help herself. It was bold thinking, which Dana soon realised when she hadn’t heard a sound from the other woman since they entered her home. In fact, Emma was standing frozen, her expression blank or maybe numb (Dana silently prayed for the first option).
“I don’t know what to do with myself”
Emma had whispered it in such a broken tone that Dana thought her heart might break in two. “Just make yourself comfortable, safe”, Dana exaggerated that last word, trying so hard to let Emma know that she isn’t going to snap, isn’t going to hurt her. Emma took the guidance as an excuse to curl up on Dana’s sofa, wrapping herself in the older woman’s blanket. She took a few deep breaths to ground herself and surround herself with Dana. Dana smiled as she moved towards her kitchen. A distressed whine escaped Emma’s mouth, her breathing quickening, curling herself around the blanket even further. Dana rushed back to the sofa, kneeling down in front of Emma, “It’s okay baby, I was just gonna grab some food for you”.
Emma shook her head. “Okay, I’ll stay, we can get takeaway”.
Now Dana had Emma curled up in her lap, blanket tightly wrapped around the both of them. The TV was on playing some show neither woman was paying attention to. Emma’s head had ended up in Dana’s chest, the constant thump of her heartbeat providing reassurance that they were okay. The food arrived, accompanied by more distressed noises from Emma and whispers of safety from Dana. But eventually they found themselves to be able to go back into their cocoon. Emma took some bites, after Dana clocked that she would only have them if fed to her by Dana. Dana didn’t make a big deal out of it, just fed her spoonfuls of food between her own bites, followed with gentle praises of “good girl”.
Dana decided when Emma should go to bed. If she could, she would carry her girl in a heartbeat. But Dana was beyond that by years. So she was forced to resort to gentle coaxing and careful hand holding turned guiding. Dana doesn’t protest when Emma tightly clings to her hand or refuses to part with the blanket. She just carefully pulls the younger woman into the bed and back into her arms. Emma’s blank expression had yet to disappear, so Dana took a deep breath and asked the difficult question.
“Are you okay?”
God, Emma wished she had never asked that because now she couldn’t stop the tears that were falling down her face. Her body shakes with every sob that escaped her no matter how hard she tried to hide it. She instead resorted to hiding in Dana’s chest as if Dana wouldn’t address it if she didn’t see it. Dana didn’t push, which Emma was glad for, instead just rubbing small circles on her back. Emma didn’t think Dana had much patience, she often heard as such through the Pitt, but she was always so different around Emma. Not that Emma understood why, she didn’t deserve the special treatment, not after constantly messing up at everything. She couldn’t get one thing right so why was Dana practically worshipping her.
“I didn’t calm him down, I didn’t de-escalate", Emma’s voice was so small, Dana had to lean in to hear her. The volume didn’t stop the words for being any less disturbing.
“Jesus Emma, did someone plant that ridiculous idea in your perfect head, that is completely incorrect. It’s not up to us to control people’s actions, we can divert or lead, but at the end of the day their choices are their own. Nothing can be done ‘bout that”. Dana looks at Emma with such a fierce yet gentle look that reminded her of the way Dana looked at her on that first shift outside the showers. Just like then, Emma was now a stuttering mess. Dana cupped her face and whispered, “Baby trust me on this, don’t fall down this path, don’t end up like me”.
“It would be an honour to end up like you”
Seriously, now Dana was crying, “Kid, you need to stop before I do something stupid”. She leans forward pressing her lips to Emma’s shoulder and keeping them there. Her gaze wanders back up to Emma’s eyes. It was frustrating, annoying and yet somehow heartwarming for Emma to say that. Is Dana really the kind of nurse people want to be, Emma wants to be? Dana could tell Emma wasn’t sure what to do about the tears now wetting her shoulder.
“Its okay kid, you just caught me off guard”, Dana reassures her. Eventually, she moves away from Emma’s shoulder, only to then reach up and capture her lips in a soft kiss. It was unrushed and familiar; Dana taking control and carefully moves her lips against Emma’s whilst she just sits and looks pretty (so pretty) responding to the kiss just like Dana had taught her.
Eventually they part, both panting and wet with a mix of saliva and each other’s tears. Dana looks at Emma, pausing, thinking. She wanted to tell Emma just how much she had changed her and thawed her cold heart. Those big bug eyes melting any defence she built over her years as a nurse. How badly she wanted Emma just to be hers, to let her love someone again, free of fear. But now wasn’t the time, not when she was watching the tears still falling down the younger’s face.
“Everything that happened today was scary and you have every right to be a mess. So, if you need to cry, then cry, or you could sleep. No matter what, I’ll be here holding you and keeping you safe. You don’t have to perform for me”.
It takes Emma thirty minutes to stop crying. She doesn’t say a word the whole time, just curled up next to Dana, soaking her shirt with her tears. Dana didn’t say anything because she just didn’t mind. And when Emma eventually cried herself to exhaustion, Dana would keep holding her, no matter what.
And if the next morning came with a long deep discussion followed by coming to work hand in hand, Dana wouldn’t mind either. Because now, she’s proud of her choices.