Chapter Text
Shoya woke up (he wishes he didn’t.) lately he just felt numb. He knew didn’t deserve to feel that way, he deserved to feel the pain. Every jab thrown at him, every word scrawled on his desk, every time his stuff was thrown into the pond outside, every rumor, every whisper, but recently he just couldn’t find the energy. He never felt anymore, he just looked at the floor, walked and did his work. In the end he knew he deserved this, besides what could he even do to stop it. He couldn’t tell the teachers, what would they do, they wouldn’t care. Suddenly he was snapped back to reality, realizing that he was being called on,
“Shoya? SHOYA!” The teacher screamed, causing Shoya to jump out of his thoughts and back to reality.
“Huh, yes sorry” he mumbled
The teacher sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “you need to pay more attention, now, what is the answer to number 2?” The teacher chastised, causing giggles to erupt from the class
“I-um is it 67.” He stuttered out shrinking in on himself.
The teacher sighed once more, “no Shoya that is not the correct answer, and maybe is you payed attention more instead of acting all edgy and depressed you would know that! Now can someone else tell me the correct answer”
Shoya dug his fingers into the back of his hands, making crescent moon shaped marks appear (useless spoiled brat) he though bitterly to himself. (Why did he even bother living) soon he got back to work. But what was the point, it’s not like he will amount to anything. He’s just a horrible bully. He came back to himself and started writing once again, solving the problems up on the blackboard. Starring at the back of his hand he realized something. He could hurt himself, he can hurt the same way he made Shoko hurt. Hurt himself for the mistakes he makes in his life. During lunch that day he looked at the phone that his mother got for his 14th birthday and typed in ‘ways people hurt themselves’ in the search bar.
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After one hour and too much reaserch into mental health. He knew what he would do…
He was now sitting in his next class, math, conviniently enough. After a few minutes he casually purposely broke his pencil, he didn’t have a sharpener at home so he would have to get one somehow. Slowly he raised his hand, “yes Shoya? What do you need?” The teacher questioned.
“Miss I seem to have lost my pencil sharpener, is it all right if I could borrow yours” okay maybe he was lying, he wouldn’t be giving it back, but she didn’t have to know that!
She sighed and Shoya braced to be reprimanded but it didn’t come, instead the teacher smiled softly, “sure you can have one, you can keep it if you want.” Ah right she was a new teacher, so she didn’t have a personal vendetta against him yet.
“Thank you mam” he said before coming up and grabbing the sharpener from her desk. Before walking back to his desk and sharpening his pencil. She continued the class and he prepared himself. The rest of the day passed in a blur of some off handed insults and schoolwork, everything bluring together into the nightmare he could never escape.
When he got home he went through the motions, he told his mom he was doing fine, he played with his nephew, and ate dinner before finally having the chance to go back to his room. But before he went in he carefully went to the drawer where his mom kept the tools and took out a small screwdriver. He then grabbed the first aid kit from the top shelf and took out a roll of gauze.
He walked to his room, closing the door and locking it. He sat down and slowly, deliberately he took out the screw that held the blade in place letting it silently fall to the floor. Slowly he picked up the blade. It glinted in the light, shining tauntingly in his face, as if screaming ‘use me!’ He just stared at it for a few seconds before slowly pressing it into his bare thigh, Shoya knew he couldn’t use anywhere as obvious as his wrist, that would be noticed immediately. So Instead he chose his thigh, not many people would be able to see it and with his school having a uniform he could easily hide it.
Shoya watched as a small bead of blood formed on the surface of his sliced skin before slowly sliding down his leg and to the floor. That was for not knowing the answer in class today. He slowly brought down the blade once more, watching the skin split open as he dragged the blade deeper, that was for making shoko bleed by pulling out her hearing aids. He dragged the cool blade against his skin once more, that was for being a burden to his mom. He dragged the blade across his flesh a few more times, each time listing off different things he had done that made other people’s lives harder. When he finally stopped his leg felt numb and he felt a bit dizzy.
Shoya grabbed the bandages sitting next to him and wrapped them around the cuts. Hoping it would stop the bleeding because if it didn’t he didn’t have a backup plan. It did not in fact stop the bleeding, and within 30 seconds he could see small splotches of blood seeping through the gauze.
“Fuck” he said under his breath. He needed to stand up and see if there was anything else he could use to stop the bleeding. He stumbled up, trying not to put pressure on his injured leg but it didn’t help much, because the shifting seemed to make the blood seep through even faster. As he spotted the tissue box he stumbled over to it. Ripping out a lot of tissues he shoved them under the gauze. Finally he didn’t see anymore blood soaking through. He breathed a sigh of relief, laying down on his bed he put the blade in a small box he had on his nightstand. Letting himself relax for a moment he closed his eyes. The mutilation of his body finally let him breath, giving him something to focus on other than the negative thoughts that he could never escape. He felt calm and at ease for the first time since 6th grade. He thought, thought about shoko, thought about his mom, about everybody important in his life. Before finally succumbing to sleep.