Chapter Text
Liara rubbed sleep from her eyes as she stumbled out of the medbay. ‘I’ll just shut my eyes for a second’ had been her final, treacherous thought before she was awoken to a disapproving Chakwas and the slight imprint of a datapad on her cheek, again. Because she had a bad habit of getting caught up in her research. She was now on strict orders to ‘get some sleep in a real bed, T’soni.’
As she passed the mess hall, her stomach growled. Forgetting to eat was another bad habit of hers. Surely Chakwas would approve of a quick snack before bed? And if she ran into the Commander, who used the mess hall as her office, well that would just be a delightful coincidence. Chakwas also insisted she should socialize more. She was simply following Doctor’s Orders.
What she had not been expecting was to find the rest of Shepard’s ground team sitting around the dining table playing Skyllian-Five while Kaidan and Shepard were situated in the small galley. The two seemed to be… locked in a battle of wills.
She padded up to Tali’s shoulder, and the quarian motioned for her to take the seat beside her. Although the rest of the crew was nice, she had found a quiet friendship with Tali. They were both young (for their species) and still trying to prove themselves. It meant Liara wasn’t alone amongst the more militarily accomplished members of Shepard’s ground team.
Ash was to Liara’s right and had a face like thunder, her mouth pinched. To Tali’s left sat Garrus, his sharp eyes narrowed at his cards with a similar air of frustration. Rounding out their table, Wrex had an indiscernible expression, but based on his tapping fingers, Liara was willing to bet he wasn’t thrilled at his current hand either. Only Tali appeared to be pleased with the current round.
Tali let out a triumphant ‘ah-ha!’ and pushed a few chips into the center of the table. Garrus stared at Tali incredulously and then folded with a sharp click of his talons on the table. Wrex similarly folded, but Ash continued the game, placing another bet.
Liara cleared her throat, “What’s going on?”
“We’re playing Skyllian-Five,” Tali supplied, her suited fingers clicking in a slow rhythm on the table top. Ash shot her an annoyed look and scowled at her cards.
“I meant,” Liara gestured at the galley.
“Oh! Kaidan is teaching Shepard to make scrambled eggs.”
“Does the Commander not know how to make… scrambled eggs?” Liara glanced over at Kaidan and Shepard. Shepard had her arms crossed and her mouth in a thin line. What Liara had originally taken for challenge was actually concentration. Shepard was staring at Kaidan with the same face she got when they were discussing military strategy. Like she was taking in his every word and formulating a plan of attack.
“Shepard cooks as well as she drives,” Garrus responded flatly, edging himself over to take a peak at Tali’s cards. Tali shoved his face away with a hiss.
So. Not well. Liara shuddered. She avoided missions like the plague if they involved Shepard anywhere near the Mako. The icy drive on Noveria had been enough to convince her that Shepard knew how to drive in theory… but not in practice. Liara turned to Garrus, “How do you know the Commander can’t cook?”
“Because he’s in looove with her and watches her every move,” Tali quipped, grabbing the handful of chips in the center of the table. Ash was cursing under her breath with some words Liara wasn’t sure were translating properly.
“What’s that little curse you love to use? Bosh’tet? Don’t be a bosh’tet, Tali.” Garrus growled at her, rolling his eyes. He leaned towards Liara, stage-whispering, “I watched her burn water the other day.”
“You can’t burn water.”
“Commander Shepard can do anything.” Wrex chuckled dryly. He was shuffling the cards again and offered a pair to Liara. She gently refused. She understood the rules of Skyllian-Five in about the same way Shepard understood driving.
Ash took one look at her new hand and threw them across the table, “Fold.” She turned her attention to Liara, “10 creds per bet, whoever gets it right gets the whole pot. If two things happen, the pot gets split between the winners. You want in?”
Liara wrung her hands. Betting against Shepard was rarely a wise decision, she had a tendency to view it as a challenge. And Shepard rarely lost a challenge. She cleared her throat, “What…um… what bets have been placed so far?”
“I bet that Shepard will successfully make a plate of eggs. I have placed a second bet that someone will face bodily injury before this is over.” Wrex supplied. His eyes sparked with delight at the prospect of a fist fight in the galley.
Garrus said nothing but pulled a fire extinguisher out from under the table and thumped it unceremoniously down.
“My bet is that Kaidan will accidentally tell Shepard he’s in love with her.” Tali turned towards her mischievously, “My second bet is that if the first happens, Mr. Grouchy over here will have a conniption.”
“The bets should only be contained to Shepard and Kaidan, only.”
“You’re just afraid she might pick Kiadan over you,” Tali shot back. A taloned hand shoved against her helmet and Liara made out a whine that sounded like ‘stop!’.
Liara gave a half-smile to Tali. Probably best to not bring up her own infatuation with the Commander. She was hard not to fall in love with. Kind, strong, a paragon of humanity. Bright, smart, extremely attractive. Liara mentally kicked herself. She turned to Ash, hoping to change the subject, “Your bet, Ash?”
Ash smirked, “That Kaidan loses his cool and cusses at Shepard.”
“Oh-“ Liara started to reply but was cut off by a clipped tone from behind them.
“I can hear you,” Shepard was leaning slightly around Kaidan, her arms crossed. “I’ll remind you chucklefucks that I am an extremely well-decorated member of the Alliance Military. Hope for Humanity. Ring any bells? I am perfectly capable of scrambling a few eggs.”
“Scrambling brains? Sure,” Garrus remarked, “eggs, however, are another story.”
“Oh, does the big, bad turian want to try his talons at cooking?” Shepard sneered at him, “Show a girl how it's done?”
Liara frowned at Shepard’s antagonism. She usually reserved that level of incivility for the bad guys when they were out on the field. Were Shepard and Garrus fighting? The pair was usually inseparable.
Garrus merely picked a piece of lint off of his shirt and inspected it, “You aren’t getting out of this now by picking a fight.” Shepard muttered ‘worth a try’ under her breath. Liara caught the hint of amusement on Garrus’ face, “You’re the one who very boldly declared that cooking was a basic talent of a Bare Minimum Functioning Adult,” He looked up sharply at Shepard, “So. Suffer.”
Ah. Shepard and Garrus’ ongoing ‘adulting’ competition where they tried to one up each other to prove who was the better adult. Last week had been a shooting competition and a declaration that real adults can hit a 1cm target from 100 meters. Whatever the real definition, Liara wasn’t sure why the two most accomplished members of the ship were competing over something they clearly both were. She looked quizzically at the group, “How did this turn into the Commander getting a cooking lesson from Lieutenant Alenko?”
Ash leaned back in her chair, “Vakarian and the Commander were arguing about it and Alenko, ever helpful, offered to teach Skipper a basic meal so she could reclaim her title.”
“And now the coward is trying to back out,” Garrus taunted, “Which means she’s not-”
“Coward!?” A spatula pierced through the air with enough precision and force that Liara ducked under the table. She heard the flat of it hit what sounded like plating. The accompanying cursing proved her theory. Garrus was gently rubbing the side of his head as she came back to a regular sitting position.
“Just admit you can’t cook,” He leveled a matched glare against Shepard, “and that I am the Bare Minimum Functioning Adult.”
“I am literally proving to you that I can cook!”
“Kaidan is literally teaching you how to make scrambled eggs! A five year old could make scrambled eggs!”
“You’re literally a five year old!”
Kaidan cleared his throat, evidentially done being talked about like he wasn’t there, "Ready to start, Commander?”
Shepard shot a final glare at Garrus and turned to Kaidan, “Ready.”
Liara settled back in her chair and glanced periodically between the poker game and the kitchenette.
“Okay, crack two eggs into the bowl.”
“The bowl, Shepard.”
“Use the bigger eggshell pieces to get out the smaller pieces.”
“That is… a sufficient… amount of salt.” Kaidan looked slightly pale.
“Beat the eggs with the fork until combined.” A heavy sigh. “This is not a meringue.”
“The hell is a meringue?” Shepard asked.
“It’s when you beat egg whites and sugar together to form stiff peaks for- Actually nevermind. You can turn the stove on now.”
A sharp yelp startled everyone at the table. Shepard cradled her hand against her chest and glared at the offending stovetop. Kiadan was now staring directly at the ceiling. “Okay, Basic Kitchen Safety Rule 1 - Stove is hot if it is red.”
“Pour a little oil -A little!- into the pan. Now wait for it to heat up.”
“Do not touch the hot pan or so help me.”
Ash was half out of her seat, ready to intervene, “Really, Skipper, how do you not know how to use a stove.”
Shepard levelled her spatula at Ash, “I will have you know there is no standard cooktop on Alliance vessels.”
“Use the spatula to stir the eggs, Shepard,” Kaidan forcibly lowered the spatula to the pan.
“I think I’m going to turn up the heat. This is taking too long,” Shepard poked at the pan with her spatula, frowning slightly.
“No, they are cooking at the correct rate.”
“But I want them crispy.”
“That’s not… Shepard, that’s not how cooking works. You’re going to burn them.”
“I know what I’m doing, Kaidan.”
“I can fucking assure you, you do n-” Kaidan’s final protestation was drowned out by the sound of the kitchen fire alarm going off. The two of them stumbled away from the smoke, Kiadan rubbing his eyes, “Basic Kitchen Safety Rule 2 - Synthetic cooking oil has a very low smoke point.”
A voice crackled over the intercom, “Please tell me my ship isn’t on fire, Commander.”
“All good, Joker, just a slight mishap in the galley.” Shepard looked in the direction of the speaker. She still had a hold of the pan and her mostly burnt eggs.
“Would this be a Shepard-induced mishap?”
Shepard shrugged and plunked herself and her pan down at the table next to Wrex. She grabbed up a fork and went to stab at her burnt eggs. The pan disappeared from the table. Garrus lifted the pan over and away from Shepard, an alarmed trill to his voice, “Do not eat that!”
The whole table erupted with laughter as Shepard tried to climb across it to retrieve her eggs, completely disrupting the ongoing card game.
“So who won?” Liara asked tentatively.
“I did.” Shepard, Garrus, Wrex, and Ash responded at the same time.
The ensuing four way argument lasted over an hour.