Work Text:
vii. Dan and Phil as told by James Marriott: Ventriloquist
https://youtu.be/QhT9h94TavQ?si=ynRA1-av0durMysU
2009
April
Dan stared at the brown walls that surrounded him.
The low, constant hum from the heater reverberated through the room and rang in his ears.
But it couldn’t drown out the raised voices of his parents fighting downstairs.
Dan squeezed his eyes shut.
He hated it.
He felt so stifled, so trapped. And at the same time, so uncertain about how to escape.
Was this all there was to life?
Everyone seemed to know what they were going to do after A levels.
He didn’t.
But he knew one thing. He was going to get the fuck out of here.
Away from this place that never changed.
Away from these people that never changed.
Away from the brown.
No matter what.
A call from out the window
A shirt I never cleaned
Sat in my apartment patiently
.
2009
June
Everything still felt exactly the same.
Even though A levels had ended, he still wasn’t able to leave.
He was back to staring at the brown walls again.
Sighing, Dan loaded up YouTube.
His eyes widened. AmazingPhil had uploaded a video. On his birthday, no less.
He clicked on every single one of the interactive buttons and watched every video he was directed to.
Dan found himself laughing harder than he had in months.
This guy was so cool. And kind of hot.
Maybe he wasn’t cool in the conventional sense, but he seemed so self assured. He was definitely confident enough to make stupid videos, and had so many friends to make the videos with.
Dan felt just a tinge of envy, and even a bit of longing. He needed that randomness in his life. The bright colours and whacky effects. Literally anything would be more interesting than his brown box in this tiny corner of South England.
Without thinking much of it, he commented on every Interactive Space Adventure video he could find.
And then he went on Twitter.
“@AmazingPhil I literally followed every single different path. That was one of the best things i’ve ever seen, was seriously worth the time.”
That didn’t feel like enough.
“@AmazingPhil As for the soundtrack.. I think I love you.”
Oh.
“@AmazingPhil I think i have a crush on you”
Maybe things were changing afterall.
.
2009
August
Fuck.
He didn’t get an A for his psychology A Levels. Which meant only 2 As and not 3.
Fuck fuck fuck.
Was he destined for a life stuck in Winnersh forever?
University was supposed to be his saving grace. A way out of this hell.
What if he couldn’t get into university anymore?
Dan felt his face and ears burn with shame, disappointment, and anger all at once.
He also felt the gaze of everyone in the hall.
The boys who bullied him relentlessly. The ones that punched and kicked and held him by the throat.
His parents. Desperate for him to “have a better life” than them, whatever the fuck that meant.
He closed his eyes, wishing for the darkness to swallow him whole.
He just wanted to go home and chat with Phil.
This stupid hall had brown flooring too.
A coat I couldn’t take off
A dog I couldn’t leave
Do you ever get the feeling
Everyone is staring at me?
.
2010
October
One year had passed.
He retook his psychology in February, and got an unconditional offer from the University of Manchester.
Of course he accepted it.
Anything to get out of there.
He’d had a taste of a life surrounded by green wallpaper and bright green carpeting and he sure wasn’t going to go back to brown.
And yeah, it definitely helped that Phil lived in Manchester now.
Phil. His…boyfr-?
No.
Probably not.
Maybe?
Phil was nice and all. And fun. And he wasn’t as intimidatingly cool as Dan initially thought.
Actually, he was a massive dork. One who rambled on way too much, and had to stick his tongue out every two minutes.
It was kind of cute.
Fine, Dan did feel really, really happy when Phil said that he loved him. How could he not?
His first…person. Someone who accepted him fully, and understood him so well.
For once, his life had light. It had colour.
He was jolted out of his reverie when the train jerked to a halt.
They were on their way to their first holiday together.
To Blackpool, not Portugal. But whatever, it was still something.
Dan glanced behind his shoulder. Just a few people away sat Phil.
He had told Phil to keep his distance, so the people on the train wouldn’t suspect anything.
He noticed the pain in Phil’s eyes when he asked him, but he had agreed anyway.
Phil gave him a small smile.
An overcrowded train ride
A friend I couldn’t meet
A stranger stood behind me quietly
Dan smiled back. And quickly turned around.
It was only temporary. They could be themselves again once they were alone.
.
They immediately started getting weird stares once they met up on the platform.
Dan hunched over, trying to shrink himself.
“What are they looking at?” Phil murmured uneasily.
Dan glanced around nervously at the men around them.
“Me. Us,” he corrected.
Something on my face
That you and I can’t see
Just as they were leaving the platform, a piece of toast came flying at Phil’s head. Or maybe it was a whole loaf.
It happened too fast for either one of them to react.
They both froze, eyes wide and stricken with shock and fear.
“Out of the way, f*gs!” someone jeered.
The people around them either backed away nervously or (mostly men) snickered at their expense.
Dan and Phil hurried away.
Dan felt his heart beat thunderously, and bile climbing up his throat.
“Phil, I think I might be sick.”
“We’ll be fine once we get to the house. We’ll be safe.”
Dan resisted the urge to grab onto Phil.
One day, he told himself. One day they would be able to walk around without fear.
Just maybe not today.
Things hadn’t changed yet.
Do you ever get the feeling
Everyone is staring at me?
.
2014
“I don’t think I ever want to get married,” Dan blurted out.
They were meeting up with their gay friends from Manchester, and of course the only thing on their tongues was how same-sex marriage was legal now.
The table went silent. Their friends (unsuccessfully) sneakily glanced over at Phil, who didn't look up from his sugary drink.
“Yeah, obviously not right now, but not even in the future…?” one friend asked, tone incredulous.
Dan sighed. “Nope,” he said definitively. “I hate feeling trapped.”
“Oh.”
.
Phil was quiet on the way home. Dan bumped their shoulders together.
“You alright?”
Phil nodded immediately. “Yeah. Just…thinking.”
Dan paused. “Was it about what I said? About…you know.”
“Yeah. I mean- I never even thought I would be able to get married anyway. So I’m alright with it, honestly.”
Dan’s heart dropped. “Wait, when I said ‘trapped’ I didn’t mean-”
“I know,” Phil interrupted. “I know you hate it when people think they know all about you, or judge you based on one little aspect. And that it feels suffocating when people put you in a box.”
“Wow, you really picked up on all that?” Dan asked, genuinely impressed.
Phil chuckled. “Dan, it's been six years. I know you. And other people might know you too, if you just…opened up.”
“I open up plenty! All I do is overshare on the Internet to a bunch of strangers.”
“I know. But you really avoid talking about…other things.”
“…Maybe. But you know, what can I say, people can’t handle my multitudes, anyway,” Dan tried to joke, but his heart wasn’t in it.
Truth was, he was scared. Of course he was. How could he not be?
To be open, about his sexuality, personal identity, whatever, would be to open floodgates for a bunch of strangers to pick him and his life apart.
His most private and personal of moments. Moments no one had any right to.
The Internet giveth and the Internet taketh away. He managed to generate income and build a career, but he was not going to soon forget the Valentine’s Day Video incident, or the stalking, or the people hunting down and spamming his younger brother.
This cage of toxic parasociality that he was trapped in was horrible but rewarding, so why should he leave?
Why not sprinkle some crumbs here and there?
Why leave when it was familiar?
Who’s to say coming out would be easier?
.
2025
“You hate PDA? Why?” Dan’s therapist asked.
Dan exhaled a long breath and rubbed the leather armrests, suddenly caught off guard.
“I mean,” he began. “It’s not ‘hate’, per se. I just…dislike it.” He fiddled with the hair on his nape, not looking his therapist in the eye. It was getting longer, beginning to form a proper mullet.
“Why?” she pressed.
Dan shrugged his shoulders. “Occupational hazard? Childhood trauma? You tell me.”
“But you’ve come out. And so has your partner.”
“Well, yes, but we haven’t actually come out about being…together. Gay. Collaboratively.”
“And why not?”
“Because the Internet would lose its shit? And our lives will get upended?”
A dust that lines the handle
A longing set of keys
Another blind excuse to never leave
His therapist nodded slowly.
What she said next blew his mind.
“Dan, you love being in the closet.”
He couldn’t believe his ears.
“Excuse me?”
“You spent so long not being authentic, and being trapped in a situation, that you are comfortable being miserable in an environment where you just…choose not to do the thing that would make you feel better.”
And everything I hated
Was all I couldn’t be
Dan was at a loss for words.
She smiled sincerely. “You are in a cycle of never-ending closets. This whole…situation is just another thing that you are trapped inside.”
Do you ever get the feeling
Everyone is staring at me?
He had never felt so perceived.
“You can’t confront your issues,” she continued, “because you’re so scared of all the bad things that might happen.”
“So you’re saying, I should just rip the bandaid off and not give a fuck?”
“If that's what it takes to leave, sure.”
.
“Phil call me back ive got something to tell you,” Dan texted upon leaving the office.
.
2026
“Nearly Valentine’s Day,” Phil commented, zipping up his bright blue, cloud patterned fleece.
Dan looked him up and down. “Do you like your fleece, you twunk?”
“I love it so much,” Phil replied instantly, grinning widely.
Dan couldn’t help but smile too, instinctively mirroring Phil and zipping up his grey black fleece.
Time really did change everything.
Phil added so much colour in his life. A green feature wall here, coloured lights there, even a mysterious red bathroom.
He got out. His surroundings would never be brown and dull ever again.
Phil, his literal ray of light. He really wouldn’t have gotten where he was without him.
Maybe Dan wasn’t completely okay, and probably wouldn’t ever be, but what did it matter?
He could take his own advice, to embrace the void and have the courage to simply exist.
Because Phil always made him want to be brave.
But I’ll
Make this walk look easy
Make today look easy
Make it all look easy
For you