Work Text:
vi. Dan and Phil as told by Mitski: I Will
https://youtu.be/A2LEaF1jCeA?si=2pA1R0PU0dlKdl5o
2010
Phil opened the door to find Dan standing outside, hair a mess, eyes slightly bloodshot and a suitcase by his side.
“Are you finally moving in? What’s going on?” he asked.
Dan didn’t look him in the eyes. “Could I use your washing machine?” he mumbled.
“What?”
“I need to please use your washing machine the one at my hall is so old and I don’t know how to use it and it’s been a week and I don’t know what’s happening and I just can’t—”
“Dan,” Phil interrupted, grabbing him by the shoulders. “Of course you can. Come in, I’ll help you.”
Dan nodded, eyes still downcast as he wheeled his suitcase in.
I will take good care of you
I will take good care of you
Phil glanced over his shoulder back at Dan as he loaded Dan’s clothes into the washing machine.
He was still being very quiet, which was unusual for him. Phil’s heart ached to see him so crestfallen.
He decided then and there that he would help Dan with his laundry for as long as he could.
.
2017
January
Dan was miserable.
He worked hard not to show it, and he was doing great for the most part.
But he couldn’t fool Phil.
Phil could tell that something had changed after their tour ended. Dan’s smile didn’t quite meet his eyes anymore.
Their individual channels and joint gaming channel were getting more and more popular, but Dan just seemed to become less and less interested in filming videos.
They were thrown into the public eye so much more often now, and even hit mainstream audiences.
They were even planning another tour. They should be happy, but Dan was just more distant than ever.
Everything you feel is good
If you would only let you
Phil knew he was a perfectionist. The stress of creating new and original content every single time was eating him alive…besides the other thing.
One day, Dan came into the room with his hair wet and unstyled, his curls out at full force.
“What do you think?” he asked.
Phil smiled cautiously, feeling a sense of unease. “I like it,” he said. “I love your curls, Dan, you know that.”
Dan looked at himself in the mirror and mussed his hair. “You don’t think I look too poodle-y?”
That made Phil laugh. “Not poodle-y enough. But why the sudden change?”
Dan didn’t answer at first. He just stared at his reflection.
“Just wanted to stop pretending I’m something I’m not, I suppose.”
Phil knew it wasn’t just about his hair.
“Well done, Dan,” he said softly. “You look great.”
I will wash your hair at night
And dry it off with care
Phil helped to pick out the right products for Dan’s hair. It took a bit of trial and error, but after a few calls with Louise, they both worked out a perfect routine for Dan’s new hair.
Dan looked really good. But he still seemed exhausted.
And there was still a weird tension between them, like a penny in the air.
.
2017
April
The next shock came when Dan decided to change his branding and his channel name.
“That’s not who I am anymore. I don’t feel like me when I make videos these days,” he told Phil.
Phil nodded, unsure what to say at first.
Nonetheless, he reassured Dan that it was a great idea, and that he would support Dan every step of the way.
As Dan and Phil scrambled to change links attached to every video they’ve ever uploaded, Phil realised it had been a while since Dan seemed excited about anything.
The penny was still in the air.
.
2017
September
Phil knew Dan had long struggled with depression. In March, there was a week when he had run out of antidepressants and suffered the most horrible withdrawals for almost 10 whole days.
Dan had based his entire Internet career off of being “dead inside”, but no one seemed to realise how serious it was for him. What others said to be “quirky” or “edgy” or “cool and mysterious” was a nightmare reality for Dan.
The people of the Internet surely didn’t know. A comment under his video, “RIP danisnotonfire”, said that if he was becoming more authentic and wanted the new username to reflect him, surely it should be “danisdeadinside”. Dan chortled when he read it and hearted the comment, but there was barely any mirth in his eyes.
So when Dan came and asked for help to film a serious video about his struggle with depression, Phil said yes before he even finished speaking.
They filmed and edited the whole thing together.
Phil kept sneaking peeks at Dan as they were editing the video, checking on him every step of the way. It was so incredibly vulnerable and honest of him.
Phil never felt prouder.
It did hurt to watch Dan reenact his bouts of hypersomnia, lying lifelessly on the ground, or listen to him discuss his negative self talk.
But it was also kind of fun to pour popcorn on his head.
“I want other people going through mental health issues to know that they can talk about it, and it can get better, which for me, it has.”
Phil paused the video to turn to look at Dan. “Has it?” he asked.
Dan took a deep breath and nodded. “It is getting better, I think. You know I’m still seeing my therapist, anyway. I just think there’s still so much stigma surrounding it and being open about your vulnerabilities and asking for help,” Dan said.
“That’s true.”
“And so many people don’t understand it, or want to demonise it or even romanticise it. I just want to…share this thing that’s such a big part of me, you know?”
Phil nodded and continued to watch the video, pleasantly surprised that Dan had included their outtakes. He stared at Dan’s pure and genuine smile and listened to his own voice from behind the camera, replaying those few seconds over and over.
Dan had found a way to include him, as if to say that Phil remained a huge part of helping him feel better and get better. That he was still staying with him and being with him through his worst.
I will see your body bare
And still I will live here
Phil felt tears pool in his eyes.
But the penny was still in the air.
.
2017
November
Dan wasn’t getting better.
“The trailer is up,” he said, monotone.
Phil looked up at Dan, whose expression was unreadable.
He had an entire bottle of Rosé and cried on their balcony just a week ago.
“It’s not too late to call it off, Dan,” Phil said, voice so soft it was nearly a whisper. He wanted to talk as gently as possible, as if placating a child.
“No…We’re doing this. We’re going to give the people what they want. And then I can do what I want. Which is to fuck all the way off.”
Phil said nothing, and stared off into the distance.
Dan suddenly sat next to him. “Look, what if…” He ran a hand through his hair and took a breath to steady himself. “What if I move out? You know? Get some proper work done. I feel like we don’t get anything done when we’re together.”
“We did a whole tour. We’re going to do another one,” Phil replied weakly.
“Well, yeah, but maybe some healthy stress and time apart might be…good. For us.”
Phil finally looked Dan in his eyes.
“No.”
“What?”
“No, Dan.”
Dan made a guttural noise. His shoulders began to shake.
The penny finally dropped.
“I just don’t know if I can do this anymore Phil. I’m so fucking tired,” he wept.
Phil took his hand. Tears were freely falling down his face too. “Dan,” he choked out. “Don’t leave me. I’ll give you time, space, anything. Just don’t leave me. You can’t leave me, Dan.”
Dan hugged him, burying his head into the crook of Phil’s neck.
“I’m sorry, Phil. I’m sorry I’m like this.”
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Phil soothed. “Talk to me. Lash out at me. Scream, cry, I don’t care. Just don’t leave me.”
So stay with me, hold my hand
There’s no need to be brave
They held each other, crying profusely.
And all the quiet nights you bear,
Seal them up with care
“I’ll always be here for you, Dan.”
No one needs to know they’re there,
For I will hold them for you
“I know, Phil. And I’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry. I always feel so horribly about how much you had to give up because of me, and how your life got worse—”
“No,” Phil interrupted. “There’s nothing to be sorry for, Dan. I accepted it. I accepted you. My life isn’t worse, Dan. It’s better with you in it. I need you.”
Dan rested his forehead against Phil’s. “I need you too. I do. I’m sorry. I just thought, for a moment, that I wanted to be free of all this. The eyes. The questions. The stress of it all.
But I need you so much, Phil.”
Phil reached up to cradle Dan’s face. “Then stay with me,” he pleaded.
Cause all I ever wanted is here,
All I ever wanted
All I want is
Always you, it’s always you
.
2019
Dan and Phil came out.
But what was next? Dan still needed more time to figure things out, but he had direction now. He had a purpose.
And Phil was there for him every step of the way.
And we’re not out of the tunnel
I bet you, though, there’s an end
They were getting through it together.
.
2021
They finally moved into their new house.
And it was the first night sleeping in their new bed.
Dan couldn’t sleep. He just turned over and stared at Phil, whose mouth was slightly open, eyes twitching sometimes.
He gently took Phil’s hand in both of his; Phil’s skin soft and cool to the touch.
Stay with me, hold my hand
There’s no need to be brave
He once tweeted at Phil, “i want to be there so you dont have to be brave.”
But it was Phil that was the brave one. Phil who always stayed strong, feeding him snacks through his existential crises.
He knew he’d never make it this far without Phil.
Phil was his safe space, a literal ray of light in his life.
He pressed a light kiss into Phil’s palm.
He would be brave again for Phil in the morning. But for now, he didn’t have to.
Dan closed his eyes and let sleep take him, still holding onto Phil’s hand.
And while you sleep, I’ll be scared
So by the time you wake, I’ll be brave
I’ll be brave
I’ll be brave
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo