Work Text:
v. Dan and Phil as told by James Marriott: Car Lights
https://youtu.be/gr3M4RYJtd4?si=pzBkrdsHuMOt8DOw
2009
Dan stared at his reflection in the dingy train bathroom, obsessively combing his fringe down with his fingers.
Why am I here
Could you come instead?
I’m ten good miles, out of my depth
Three hours. And a half. From South to North. All to meet a stranger off the internet.
He readjusted his trapper hat again.
It took a whole lot of convincing for his parents to let him come here. He’d told them it was to shadow a senior doing Law at the University of Manchester.
That seemed to work.
He’d just smiled and nodded the whole car ride to the train station. No matter what his father said.
It was going to be worth it. He was going to see Phil.
Some more fake smiles, I’ll just nod my head
For one small glimpse of your breath
He slid open the bathroom door and started getting off the train, not realising he was the last one off.
.
2011
July
“We can’t turn into goblins. We need some kind of structure now that I’ve… Let’s just come up with some rules,” Dan decided, placing a blank sheet of paper on the table along with some markers.
He needed some sort of order after dropping out of university.
Dan didn’t want to admit it, but he was terrified of his future (or lack thereof).
How were they going to live? Could they even afford rent?
Phil nodded wordlessly, already drawing up a chair and picking up a marker.
Dan watched as Phil wrote “THE RULES” at the top and underlined it.
Stained shirts and cigarettes
I failed again, tried my best
“Go…to bed…before… What are we thinking? 3?”
“2,” Dan said definitively. “Let’s not turn into feral night beasts.”
Phil wrote what he said down. “Alright. Get up before 10.30am?”
“That sounds reasonable.”
Dan turned around and stared at their messy space. Bottles all over the kitchen counter, cupboard doors ajar, and random cereal boxes piled together.
“Dan, what’s wrong?” Phil asked, snapping him out of it.
Just lay your mind on my chest
Dan didn’t want to look at him. He felt so naked in that moment.
Phil had seen him at his worse, and had even comforted him through it. He couldn’t help but feel like such a failure. Phil had two degrees, and Dan couldn’t even get through one year of university.
What if Phil decided he was too much and left?
What would Dan have then?
“Are we sure this is a good idea?” he asked, voice trembling.
Phil offered a weak smile, but his voice was strong when he said, “Yes, Dan. This is going to work. We can earn money doing YouTube. How cool is that? You can actually do the thing that makes you happy.”
He looked down at their list.
“Now then, do you think we'd go to the gym?”
.
August
Dan wasn’t supposed to move in. He was only supposed to do his laundry here. Maybe have some free meals. Play some games.
And now here he was. With his own bespoke room and mug, his own side of the couch and bed.
The rules were more for himself than anything else. For him to play safe. He couldn’t, no, he wouldn’t be swayed by this guy. This guy who always made everything fun and who always made everything feel better.
Made him feel better.
That’s the problem with moving in with your best friend-person. And being self employed. You just want to hang out and have fun all day with them.
Especially if that person was Phil.
You seem like that kind of guy
To play me tonight
I hate what you’re doing, I hate that it feels so right
.
August
Dan was the first to notice the cameras. How could he not? He could feel their gaze on them, watching hungrily, desperate to catch something. Simply watching his videos wasn't enough anymore; people had started trying to break through the screen.
They were here at their first Muse concert, live at Reading festival. It should have been sacred.
It was ruined now.
“Phil.” He fiddled with his earring, refusing to look at Phil directly. “Don’t look now, but there's people filming us. Don’t look, I said!”
Phil fought hard to stare straight ahead. “Oh my God. I can’t believe them.”
Dan was restless. He hated it. The gaze of everyone on him.
“Please let’s move.”
You sure we’re out of their sight?
They’re staring, through the car lights
“I can still see them,” Dan murmured to Phil.
Phil gently knocked Dan’s head with his. “Just watch the show, Dan. Look at it. Isn’t it amazing? Imagine if there wasn’t Muse, I’d never have met you,” Phil replied, eyes starry.
Dan stared straight ahead. Phil was right. He could just be in the moment.
“Love is our resistance,” rang around him.
He felt Phil leaning on him slightly, his warm body close and soothing.
I hate what you’re doing, I hate that it feel so
.
November
But I’ve been in your garden again, until it’s four
Conversations have started, what could this be?
Phil liked to think they both fell hard and fast, but he was certain he fell first.
How could he not? Dan was magnetic. Sure, he was hot too, but his mind was just so…
When they were together, it felt like anything was possible. He never made Phil feel like any idea of his was too weird. He never felt too weird when he was with Dan.
He wanted to be everything for Dan too.
Don’t you be so startled that I wanted more
I could answer your troubles if you let me in
“How’s abouts I get you some hot cocoa?” was his line in Dan’s video about dropping out.
That was quite similar to what happened in reality, but what no one else knew was that Dan cried in his arms, trusting Phil wholeheartedly to comfort him and help him through his crisis.
He never said it, but he was so…happy to be included in that video.
To be shown publicly as Dan’s protector and comforter. That Dan was comfortable with showing that side of their relationship.
I’d be out here for longer, but it’s just too cold
And with nowhere to hide us, it won’t come true
Phil was out before he met Dan.
And sometimes he did wonder how life would be. Without the hiding and secrets, without having to restrain from talking to Dan freely when they were out.
What if he had never been a YouTuber? Would that have been better?
All call for the finish before we get old
And you sicken the tone with where you’ve been
The Valentine’s Day video getting released back in September nearly killed them.
Dan wouldn’t even look at him for days.
It felt like people had taken something so precious and so dear to them— their most intimate of moments— gotten it dirty and then just left it on the ground for the whole world to scrutinise and comment on.
Phil knew that it would take a lot of convincing for Dan to stay. And it did.
“It’s down. People won’t talk about it if we don’t.”
Dan closed his eyes. “You know they will.”
“Not for long. The Internet moves fast,” Phil insisted.
“Phil.”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”
Phil understood what he meant. Dan wasn’t just talking about YouTube. Phil began crying too. “Dan, please.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, before turning and going to his room, locking the door behind him.
Phil was out before he met Dan.
And now he was back in the closet.
PJ did express concern for him. Was Dan worth it?
You seem like that kind of guy
To play me tonight
I hate what you’re doing, I hate that it feels so right
Phil didn’t care.
He didn’t care. He wouldn’t care.
You sure we’re out of their sight?
They never went out, just the two of them alone.
Or if they did, Phil just had to ignore the people filming him in a Tesco.
They’re staring, through the car lights
Maybe he did care a little. Maybe he did wish that he could live a normal life and hold hands in public and just be happy.
But…Dan. Dan who provided structure to Phil’s chaos. Dan who never shamed him. Dan who would stare at him so fondly when he rambled on about anything and everything. Or Dan quietly putting away the hair straighteners, tidying the house, loading the dishwasher.
I hate what you’re doing, I hate that it feels so right
Maybe Phil could have had a normal life. And sometimes he really, really wished he did.
But he couldn’t imagine one without Dan.
.
2023
They did it. They survived it. The hiatus, lockdown, moving.
Dan could stand on his own feet again.
And so could Phil.
The gaming channel was back on. And it wasn’t a chore, or just a means to an end.
They were having fun again.
Dan stared at Phil’s smile while he edited their Halloween baking video. When was the last time they laughed that hard?
Phil’s face flushed. Him giggling saying he was “horny on main”.
Dan laughed again at Phil’s “Oppenheimer” joke.
Phil was genuinely the funniest person he knew.
And he felt that urge again.
That feeling of pride. Of wanting to show off.
I’m not scared there’s nothing to run from
I’m not scared there’s nothing to run from, well
I feel like I’m falling for someone
I feel like I'm falling for someone
When he suggested they go on another tour, Phil didn’t have as many reservations as Dan thought he would.
They both knew what this meant for the “them”.
‘Back from the dead’, then ‘Terrible Influence’.
There was only one thing left to do next.
I’m not scared there’s nothing to run from
I’m not scared there’s nothing to run from, well
I feel like I’m falling for someone
I feel like I’m falling for someone else
.
2026
They went out together. Just the two of them alone.
The restaurant was dimly lit. Couples were all around.
You can hold my hand
In a crowded place
Phil rested his arms on the table but didn’t do anything. He just looked at Dan.
How he’d grown. From a neurotic, jumpy boy to a confident man. Phil just wanted to stare at him all day.
And he could. They could do that now.
2011 was 15 years ago.
But just hold me close and hope that they don’t see my face
Dan didn’t notice at first. He’d spent so long repressing any form of public affection that he knew exactly how to keep his face blank and expression neutral, and not to linger on Phil’s face for too long.
He scanned his environment, carefully avoiding Phil’s love eyes.
A smile creeped onto his face regardless.
This was nice.
Until a waiter came and was struck by a serious case of Love-eyes Lester.
Oh, fuck.
Phil forgot to turn it off. He was still practically radiating, beaming even, when he placed their order.
Dan saw the waiter’s face slowly brighten with interest.
Was that how Dan looked to everyone else?
He let it go. For now.
Phil will get an earful (and other things) for it later.
He leaned back on his chair, thinking about how they were just two years ago.
How they still had to be cautious while on tour.
How he was still antsy when they went to a gay bar and danced together.
He had buried his face into Phil’s neck, wishing for the moment to last forever, but also unable to fully enjoy it because he was scared of someone spotting them.
Why don’t you come right here?
Let’s see how you taste
Then just hold me close and hope that they don’t see my face
.
2025
“And look, there were points where I just thought, ‘Maybe I’d be happier without all this.”
“Yeah, fair,” Phil agreed.
“2017,” Dan continued, "I'm thinking, ‘My solo comedy content is killing it on Youtube. I- this could just be my life. I could be like every other YouTube boy…and just enjoy this, without the apocalyptic constant stress of this Dan and Phil dating conspiracy.’”
“The problem is I’m just too fun,” Phil said gleefully.
Dan paused for a split second. That was not part of the script.
“Essentially,” he agreed.
“Yeah.”
“…But for a moment, I was like, ‘Maybe the me and Phil thing…just needs a clean break.’”
“Yeah,” Phil chimed in, recalling their extended arguments back in 2018.
“…Cause I don’t see a way to get out of this situation.”
“But how sad would that be to let the bad guys win?” Phil said, getting more animated by the second, all his pent up frustration being let loose. “We have so much fun, and what I had to keep reminding Dan was, ‘It’s only a small minority of the audience.’”
Dan smiled as he watched Phil wave his arms about.
“You’re right,” he assured gently, leaning in close.
“I’m right!”
You seem like that kind of guy
To play me tonight
I hate what you’re doing, I hate that it feels so right
You sure we’re out of their sight?
They’re staring, through the car lights
I hate what you’re doing, I hate that it feels so