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“Not anymore”.
Ilya kissed Shane’s chest and then he popped his head up and they looked into each other’s eyes before sharing a sweet kiss.
Ilya put his head back on Shane’s chest, finding the sound of his love’s heartbeat comforting.
They stayed like that for a while. But soon Shane rolled them over. He started kissing Ilya’s chest. He leaned in and sniffed where he had just kissed.
“You smell so good”, Shane murmured.
Ilya was conscious that he had been crying and was a bit sweaty. His father always had high standards of hygiene.
“I haven’t had shower yet Hollander”, he deflected.
Shane smiled up at him.
“I know. I like how you smell, just you”.
Ilya’s heart clenched. This man really loved all of him.
“I like how you smell too”, Ilya admitted shyly.
“Yeah?”, Shane’s smile could light up a room.
“Yes. I like everything about you Hollander”, it felt good for Ilya to be able to be completely honest with Shane and not have to fear rejection.
“Even my boring”, Ilya knew Shane was trying to flirt with him but he needed to clarify something.
“Especially your boring. Your boring makes me feel safe. I haven’t felt that in a long time. Your boring makes me feel wanted, needed, loved”.
“You are. Wanted. Needed. Loved”, Shane said it like it was the easiest and simplest thing in the world. But Ilya had never felt he was easy to love. His father had made sure of that.
He had been telling himself to stop listening to his father and listen to Shane.
Silence again. But it was filled with so much. Gazing into each other’s eyes, wrapped in each other’s arms, they had a million silent conversations.
I love you.
I love you too.
You’re safe with me.
You don’t have to change anything about you.
You’re enough.
You’re my family now. I will protect you and care for you.
You’re my family now. I will never make you feel the way they did.
Shane leaned up and rubbed Ilya’s cheek.
“When did you know?”, he looked away when he asked. Still not ready to keep eye contact while asking deep questions. Ilya vowed to help him get there. Just as Shane had taught him that crying didn’t make you less of a man.
“That I love you?”, it could only be that.
“Yeah”, Shane said nervously.
Ilya thought for a minute.
“I think I have known a long time. Deep down. Since the night I went to your house and we fucked properly for the first time. You kissed me after and I knew then you meant more to me than a fuck. But it wasn’t until Scott kissed his boyfriend that I let myself feel it”.
Shane nodded in understanding. That had been a turning point for him too. He owed Scott Hunter a beer. Or a thousand.
“I think I have been falling for a long time too. Maybe since the start. But I realised it in your house, the day you made me a tuna melt. I realised and it scared the shit out of me. I hadn’t accepted I was gay”.
Ilya knew Shane still regretted his actions that day. He rubbed Shane’s neck, silently reassuring the Canadian that it was ok, it had all worked out.
Shane cleared his throat.
“If I hadn’t run away that day. If I had stayed in our bubble. Would you have said anything. About how you felt?”.
“I don’t know. I wanted to. That moment between us, looking into your eyes. It was perfect. But there was so much going on with my father at the time. I didn’t want to drag you into that. And I still thought of Russia as home and that meant we could never be together”.
“And now?”, Ilya knew Shane knew the answer but was happy to indulge him.
“Home is wherever you are Shane”.
Ilya thought Shane’s smile couldn’t get any brighter. He was wrong.
Shane kicked his feet with giddiness and launched himself at Ilya, kissing him with everything in him.
Eventually their kisses slowed.
“We’re going to figure this out Ilya, ok? We’re going to be together. And one day we’ll come out. I don’t know how or when, but we will. One day I will get to shout from the rooftops that I love Ilya Rozanov and he loves me”.
“Can’t wait!”, Ilya said sincerely.
Silence. Shane shifted in Ilya’s arms to more of a spooning position. It felt right. Like it was where Ilya belonged.
“I should really tell my parents. About me. And us. I don’t want to keep this from them now. I want them to know you. To love you”, Shane said thoughtfully.
Ilya chuckled.
“That could take a while. Your mother has never liked me. I don’t think I ever told you this but I saw her that first night. On my way to room 1410”, he hoped Shane remembered their lore as much as he did. By the squeeze Shane gave his hand, he knew he did.
“Yeah?”
“Yep. I was in elevator on my way to you when she appeared. I told her elevator was going in the opposite direction. She tried to introduce herself but the doors closed”.
Shane laughed.
“That explains a lot. She has disliked you since before our rivalry started”.
“I was so nervous. I was on my way to you for the first time. And then she was there. You look so like her. It freaked me out. Like she could guess what was happening”.
“She’s going to love that story one day”.
“I hope so”, Ilya nearly cried at hearing Shane talk about their future so casually. He kissed Shane’s neck. His favourite spot.
They fell asleep in each other’s arms.
A couple of hours later Ilya woke. It was nearly sunrise. He always loved that time of day. The hope of it.
He shifted out of Shane’s arms. The movement woke him.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going to watch the sunrise. Go back to sleep. I won’t be long”.
Shane muttered something unintelligible.
Ilya smiled at his love, pulled some clothes on and headed out.
He sat down and lit a cigarette. It was so beautiful here. He hoped this would always be a place for himself and Shane to escape to.
He took a deep breath and spoke in Russian.
“He loves me too Mama. Shane. I finally got the courage to tell him. And he loves me too. Thank you for sending him to me”, his voice started to tremble. He wiped a tear from his eye, “I love you. I miss you. I told Shane about you. He said he would have loved to have known you. You would have loved him Mama. He’s everything. He takes care of me. Like you did. I’ll be ok now. With him. I’m never going to let him go”.
He sat in silence after that. At peace for the first time in a long time.
He heard footsteps. Shane. With a blanket and a coffee.
They cosied up together. Not saying anything. Just being together. Finally.
They didn’t need words. The symbolism of the sunrise was understood by both. This was the start of the next chapter of them. Unknown in lots of ways but with the guarantee of love.
Eventually Ilya started to get cold even with the blanket. His cigarette and the coffee were long finished.
He leaned in to whisper in Shane’s ear.
“Let’s go inside. I want you again”.
Shane blushed.
They went inside.